Author's note: the italics is owned by Hilary McKay
Daddy is in London, which has lost all its magic and where he is personally Burned Out.
Caddy is miles away, choosing names for guinea pigs.
Michael is dodging us.
Mummy is resting on her bed, and do you know what she said before she went up? She said, "I'm sorry you've quarrelled with Darling Saffy, Rose"
Darling Saffy!
Indigo and David were cooking in the kitchen.
Darling Saffy is at Sarah's house. Good riddance too. I am never going to speak to her again and I will not listen to anything she says.
She lost her bag when she was in town yesterday morning.
Can't say I'm interested.
She panicked. And went back to everywhere she had been. In a flap.
Who cares?
And she didn't notice the time going by until LONG after two o'clock.
I did.
And then it was much too late.
Dear, dear.
Because it was baby-sitting time.
Huh.
She did try to explain, when she telephoned, but I would not listen.
OH WELL HOW SURPRISING IS THAT?
And now I'm sitting here with the sudden realisation of how lonely I feel. How broken and alone and unwanted I am.
Once upon a time I was a sick baby and no one expected me to live...but I did, I got better from my hole in the heart and big scary illness beginning with a p...maybe no one wanted me to get better...
Maybe I was just something no one wanted and didn't die when expected.
Daddy was never here, moved out long before I was born probably knew I was coming soon and didn't want to be with me. He never wanted to take me to New York, he wanted Samantha instead. He never wanted me in London, Caddy was allowed and I bet Saffy, darling perfect Saffy was allowed and Indigo...not me...
Mummy always lives in her shed, she hates it when I drag her out and even when she said she hated it which I find untrue and came from some who is not my mother's mouth. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just a pain to her when I take her to the supermarket.
Indigo acts like I'm a pain. Especially when I wake him up in the middle of the night after a nightmare or I can't sleep because I'm thinking too much. He used to always be with me and do things only big brothers do and now he prefers flipping fat David over me.
Saffy never wants to spend time with anyone in this house, let alone me.
Caddy prefers bloody animals from far away places than me.
Let's not go into everyone else, especially Darling Tom who is in New York which is not here.
I found myself moving, almost like I'm not thinking what I'm doing...I'm just DOING. I haven't moved like this for years, after Tom first went back to New York...i just...started taking things.
I got my empty school bag in my hands and I'm putting my sketchpad and pencils in, some undies, pair of jeans, a t-shirt and that's all nothing else. I'm putting my shoes on now and my coat and my gloves and my hat and scarf.
I'm walking out of the door now.
Down the street.
I'm not sure where I'm going.
But I'm still alone.
Still unwanted.
PRPRPRPRPRPRPR
It's raining? I hadn't really noticed, I just keep replaying everyone's disappointed looks and voices for not telling them about David living in his dead Granddad's attic. David's disappointed look when I started shoplifting. Caddy's heartbroken look when I ruined her wedding to the prat. Michael's look of disgust when he first met me.
It's raining and my hair is very, very, wet. I think I lost my hat.
My hands are ice cold. I went to the loos in the shopping centre...i think and must have left them there by the sink.
Oh look my hands are almost blue, rather interesting colour actually sort of purplish round the nails.
It's very dark now and while I'm not scared, I still don't like it especially since everything is so empty and quiet from before.
I'm so tired, my legs ache and I'm yawning a lot. I haven't realised before, the numbness earlier where I felt so empty and...Well not here has gone and now...
I don't know where I am.
Bugger! I don't care if Daddy thinks it's rude for me to say, I'll say it anyway! Bugger! Bugger! Bugger!
I looked round it was a street of houses that looked empty because there was no lights in the window, houses always look empty when there's no light especially in the winter when it's raining and cold and dark. One house looked very empty but there was a little porch thing, a mini roof you could say.
No one is home and I doubt they'll be back soon...right? I sat under the mini roof and rested my back against the hard wall, no the most comfortable place but I can live here, wander round during the day and sleep here a night. Have to nick a sleeping bag though
My eyes shut and the pounding sound of rain on the roof soothes me to sleep....
PRPRPRPRPRPR
Warmth, comfort, softness, hot, too hot...too hot!
I struggle to open my eyes, I'm fighting to, I really am but the soft comfortable bed was making it hard for me and I feel so T-I-R-E-D!!!!
A cool hand rested against my forehead and I sighed in relieve, leaning into the hand. My eyes fought harder to see this person because as strange as it sounds from a family that's very touchy, touchy like mine (lots of hugs and kisses and hand holding and patting on backs) it's been a long time since I had such contact.
Everything blurred, like a chalk picture of mine left out in the rain, black white and red slowly cleared up to form such a familiar face.
"Why where you outside my house Rose?" Michael, darling wonderful lovely Michael who has been gone for far too long was here. "In the rain, no hat or hood to keep you warm, why are you here Rose"
"Didn't...know" I whispered, my throat was so sore and it hurts too much to speak let alone scream in delight or cry. I was too tired to hug him.
"Were you looking for me?"
"No....'ooking for my 'appy ever after" I whispered, I wasn't even standing up and I felt too dizzy and tired. "Too hot"
"You got a fever" Michael said crossly. "What you get for sleeping out in the rain"
Whatever lecture he was going to give me I did not hear for I fell asleep again and didn't wake for a very long time.
PRPRPRPRPRPR
I was living a life of blackness, whispered words and half memories. The world was either too hot or too cold, I do not think I ate or drank or did anything other than sleep. Sometimes I heard arguments that made no sense, something about a baby, me, rings, drums and painting sheds. Mumbled words about London burning lost Christmas presents and homeless Davids.
I swore for a moment I saw yellow bars, bright yellow bars above me and sad indigo coloured eyes watching me in curiosity and hope and something else.
Someone is holding my hand I'm sure.
"Getbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbetter" a whispered prayer breathing on my hand. Rather annoying really. Getbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbettergetbetter"
I will if you shut up.
PRPRPRPRPR
I woke up in the most fairy tale way any girl would want to wake up to. Also a way no girl would want to wake up to just in case it isn't the Prince Charming you want and someone like David or a local loony, I think Kieran said her cousin woke up being kissed by an asylum escapee.
But then again she was probably lying.
A pair of dry lips pressed against mine and I deliberately refused to open my eyes because it might be David...nah David would have slimy lips that are sugary from the marshmallows or whatever sweet it is he ate.
I breathed deeply, relieved that it no longer felt hot or achy anymore. I wondered if it was all a strange dream and Indigo is going to start banging the pots in the kitchen to wake me up for icky horrible school.
"Happy now Frances? I kissed Princess Rosie Pose but it seems that I was not Prince Dashing enough for her" an American drawl said in a mocking sad voice.
"It's charming" I muttered. "Not dashing, get it right"
"Open your eyes then"
I opened them slowly and let out a delighted gasp.
"TOM!"
I shot out of my bed and hugged him tightly, from the corner of my eye I could see Tom's cute little sister sitting on the foot of my bed in a very white room.
"Where am i? What happened? Where is everyone? Why are you here? Is this all a dream?" I asked desperately hoping it wasn't.
Tom laughed. "Slow down Rosie Pose, you need to breathe! Now get back to bed before the nurses come and strap you down"
"Nurses?"
"Bed now!"
"I'm going! See, here's me in bed" I said plonking my self on top of the very big white bed, bigger than mine but not as big as Mummy's. "Now where am i?"
"Hospital" Tom said. "Caused a right panic running off like that, everyone was looking for you, your dad came from London and took care of your Mum and painted her pictures while taking to the police and making your missing posters-"
"Daddy did?" I was shocked.
"He does care for you Rose" Tom said softly. "Even when it appears he doesn't, he does. I should know I thought my dad didn't care for me but...he did"
I nodded and waited for him to speak again.
"Michael found you and tried to look after you but you got too sick and in blind panic he just took you to the hospital. You had that illness again, scared everyone. Caddy who saw the missing posters came running back-"
"CADDY SAW THEM?! HOW???"
"She's been here for the past few months apparently. She had a baby, Buttercup, strange name for a boy but then again your whole family is weird. Caddy and Michael had a big argument and then made up, they're going to get married in the summer but first they want to know if you have any problems with that?"
I glared at him, if I was out of the bed I would have stamped his foot.
"Everyone else hasn't left your side, Indigo spent nights over here holding your hand and whispering get better. I only convinced them all to have a dinner because I promised to stay by your side. They'll be glad to see you awake"
"Are you sure?" I asked nervously. "They haven't...wanted me for a very long time"
"Oh Rose" Tom breathed. "They've always wanted you, who wouldn't? I want my very own Permanent Rose to take home with me. They've just been busy with their own things and trust me they're feeling very guilty about not paying you enough attention"
"Why did you kiss me?" I asked deciding I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
"Pwinces have to kiss pwincesses to wake them up!" Frances piped up. "You're a pwincess aren't you Wose? You been sleeping like one"
"See Princess Rose? I was being your Prince Charming that makes the happy ever after happen" Tom said grinning.
I smiled back.
It wasn't Happy Ever After like I wanted, I can tell that from a mile away. I'm still going to have to talk to my family, tell them everything and let them have their say. I got to get out of this horrible too clean, too white place and I have years till Prince Charming can whisk me a way and marry me.
So I guess...it's a Happy Ever Beginning instead.
