It was a normal day, the same as any other days within Russia's house hold. My back burned from the lash marks that were less than twelve hours old, as they always did after one of my punishments. As Ivan's favorite, I, of course, had many opportunities to be punished. Just a slip up or small mistake would often lead to punishment. Though there were of course times when Ivan was just in the mood to beat someone up, I also got the brunt of those beatings too.
I sighed as I cleaned thoughts going in every which way before pausing to look out the window. I watched as snow gradually fell from the clouds that covered every inch of the blue sky. Shaking my head I went back to work.
Snow... it reminded me of Ivan. As did many other things such as sunflowers or an angry kitten. I wish I could hate him. I wished it with my entire being. I wish I could, but even though he hurt me, my people, and my brothers I couldn't hate him. I didn't know what I felt towards him any longer. Before yes it had been hate, but I hadn't known him then. At first it had been hate, I hadn't yet seen the pain he had to bare.
I didn't know why he was the way he was back then. I hadn't seen past the mask of innocence, yet cruelness, he showed the world. I was ignorant and I didn't care at that time, I just wanted to hate him for everything. But after being with him so long, being so close to him as his favorite that hate died down. I still don't know whether it was by his hand, holding my chain and the whip, or my own. But never the less I couldn't hate him after piecing together his childhood. What he had been put through by the hands of General Winter and the very people would would become his so called children.
He was like an abused, terrified yet angry young lion. He was powerful and acted upon impulse, but still very much just a scared kitten underneath it all. How anyone could bring themselves to hate someone who had gone through so much was beyond me. I'm sure that for most people with a heart they would find it quite difficult without a large amount of guilt attaching itself to them. But for people like me it was impossible, not matter what pain that person, or animal, brought to them.
I sighed as I moved from the now clean room into the hallway and found myself wondering if Latvia was doing his work without being distracted by something. Quite often he would space out and not get everything done, or at least not done up to Russia's standards and I would be punished for it. Of course I didn't blame Latvia, he always cried after it happened and I knew he was sorry he hadn't meant to cause me pain.
I paused my line of thinking as I heard something from down the hallway as I walked towards the source I found that it was defiantly the sound of sobbing but it didn't sound like Latvia. He cried quite often and quite loudly. As I reached the source of the sound I found myself standing right in front of Ivan's room. I would normally been worried, for someone crying in Russia's room wouldn't be a good sign at all. But I knew for a fact this wasn't either of my brothers, it actually sounded quite like Russia.
The thought seemed absurd at the time though. Russia never had cried before, at least as far as I or any of the other nations knew. I couldn't even manage to bring up a picture in my mind of Russia crying.
But something was defiantly up so I cautiously pressed my ear against the wooden door. "... No one would care." I heard him say between sobs. My eyebrows raised in surprise at the dead tone of his voice. It was said in a way that I had never heard him speak before. It sounded tired, weary, depressed, and bitter when normally Ivan's voice would be full of fake innocence and childish charm.
I heard something click and wondered what he was doing. Suddenly an image filled my mind, one of a handgun being cocked. My jaw nearly dropped in disbelief, he couldn't being trying that. Not the powerful Russia that I knew. The one that kept me and my brothers in line with his whip, the one whom could cause someone to surrender with a mere cruel yet childish smile. Yet the words I heard fit along with the sobs, the handgun fit in perfectly with the two.
The thought that Russia, Ivan, would attempt suicide hurt. I don't know why, but the mere thought made my chest hurt. It made me wonder why he'd do such a thing. But I pushed such thoughts aside as I busted into the room. "Russia-san what are you-" I said despite my suspicions, I couldn't be sure after all but after seeing the gun in his hand pointed towards his brain from where he had it in his mouth all doubts vanished.
He looked like a wreak, his coat and scarf were off, folded on the bed reveling scars on his neck and the visible skin on his arms. His hair was a mess and his purple eyes were red and irritated. Despite the silent tears still running down his cheeks he took the gun from his mouth and smiled a cracked and broken smile at me. It hurt, just looking at that broken and sad looking smile made my chest hurt.
"Did you come to watch Toris? I'm sure you'll be happy at the end of the show." He said just smiling as he put the gun back into mouth. I felt sick to my stomach as he finished saying what he did. I didn't hate him, couldn't he see that I wasn't able to, no matter what he did? Even if my people wished for independence I would always be there for him whether we got it or not. Couldn't he see I cared for him?
"Russia-san.... Ivan please don't do this!" I yelled at him. I couldn't help the tears that fell as I moved towards him. He closed his eyes and before I reached him, it what seemed like slow motion, he pulled the trigger.
I stopped in front of him as nothing happened, tears running down both our faces in the silence of the room. He pulled the gun from his mouth and stared at it. Tears poured down his face as he looked at it dumbstruck before I heard him utter one word. "Why?"
His expression changed from dumbstruck to anger in almost an instant. In a childish fit of anger I watched him throw the gun angrily at the ground. The next thing I knew was a loud shot followed by an increasing amount of pain in my abdomen. I clutched at it attempting to put two and two together despite my pain clouded mind.
I heard a startled shout, presumably from Russia, but my vision was fading fast. I fell to my knees and onto what I presumed to be his chest. In my last coherent moments I reached up to his face with a now bloody hand. "Your wrong... I would care if you died." Everything went black after I managed to heave out the words, blood flowing through my lips as I did so.
Author Notes: Well hello everyone out there on fanfiction! Its nice to meet you all. This is actually my very first fanfic I've ever written and decided to publish anywhere. It was written during my Trig class for the most part after reading some suicidal Russia fanfics earlier, so I'd appreciate some constructive criticism, but please no flames! They don't really do anything but make me sad, while constructive criticism helps me improve, which I think would be better than making me sad. xD
Any way I hope that you like the story thus far. The main pairing will be RussiaXLithuania though that will be switched every once a while. I like the concept of seke couples better than just the typical semeXuke pairing. I'm still thinking about minor pairings and I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me what you'd like to see!
As for warnings beware I am planing to write a lemon for this fanfic much later. Along with maybe some Russia torturing poor Liet as well. There might be some language too. Oh and do be aware this is going to be a Yaoi if you haven't guessed already. XD
Well I believe thats all I have to say! Thank you for reading!
~Oh and no I do not own Hetalia. Otherwise I wouldn't be making this, and I would know much more about history than I do. xD
