Disclaimer: Not mine…tear.
A/N:This is basically a series of one shots telling ten secrets of each of the cannon characters. Thanks to Niki (Fred Weasleys Angel) for betaing a few of the secrets.
MAUREEN
Rainy day and a Monday? You have got to be fucking kidding me! It's like the worst day ever in Madonna song-verse. Or something like that. Since it isn't like I listen to Madonna or anything. I am way too hip to listen to that stupid whore who only is famous for making fun, catchy, totally loveable pop songs. But I don't love them. Oh no, I don't for sure. I hate those wonderfully bubbly and outrageously fun and girly pop songs…okay, well maybe I lied. I love Madonna songs. Secret number one that I would never let anyone in the entire world know: I love Madonna. Laugh all you want, the songs are fun and I'd totally go fully lesbian if she asked me to be.
So anyway, back on topic, it's a rainy day and a Monday. And Joanne is at work. Which leaves me with nothing to do. I should be memorizing a monologue or something, but it's boring and stupid. I don't even want the part that badly. I would have to be Dorothy in some weird production of The Wizard of Oz. I totally hate Dorothy. I think she is a stupid, stuck-up bitch that needs to stop crying and give the Witch the fucking slippers. I always lied when I was little and said that she was my favorite character. But it's called lying for a reason. The Wicked Witch of the West was. And if I can be completely blunt, I used to want to be her. I would make up stories as to why she was so 'bad,' which were usually about how all she wanted was to have her sister's shoes as a memento. Secret number two I'd never let anyone in the entire world know: I hate Dorothy and think she should've melted instead of the Witch. Oh and I also think that the Scarecrow was totally sexy and I'd go completely straight if him and his sexy straw-ness asked me to do so.
I think I am going to call Mark. You know why? Because I can totally get him to do whatever I want. Poor guy, he is still totally obsessed with me. And I know if I ever wanted to, he would totally take me back. Which scares me because I still kind of want him. Like sure, loving a girl is fun, but who wouldn't want Mark? Well, I guess for a good part of the time I was dating him, I didn't want him either. But now he's totally adorable and I just want to drag him into my room and fuck him into oblivion. I can totally think of a bunch of kinky shit I could do with that scarf of his…whoa, wait. Let's keep this PG-13. Secret number three I'd never let anyone in the whole wide world know: the real reason I want to call Mark right now is so that we can hook up. And that doesn't make me feel the least bit guilty.
Maybe the reason why I have never felt guilty about cheating is because I am a total slut. No really, I am. No matter how much I try to deny it, I know it's true. I am a complete, just under the ranks of prostitution whore. And the fact of the matter is, if I weren't dating Joanne, I'd probably be a prostitute. Well, maybe not. Maybe just a stripper. Like Mimi. Mimi is a good stripper and she makes enough money to live off of. Not that I'm bad off with Joanne. It's just that Joanne is boring and blah. A stripper is such and exciting job. You get to be a whore and dance around to totally obscene music and be naked. And all of these are things Maureen loves to do. And Maureen really, really wants to be a stripper now. And Maureen really needs to stop referring to herself in the third person. Where was I? Oh yes, I was on the fourth secret about myself. Okay, secret number four I wouldn't ever let anyone in the world find out: it has always been an ambition of mine, just below acting and protests and all that jazz, to be a stripper. Oh and Mimi is totally my idol, just so you know.
Maybe I should plan another protest. Protesting making prostitutes legal. And then strippers won't seem like cheap whores and I will finally have a protest where I actually a) know what I'm talking about and b) actually care about the thing I'm protesting. This is going to make me seem like the biggest hypocrite in the world, but the fifth secret I'd never let anyone know: I never actually know what I'm talking about or have any belief in what I'm protesting. I just protest it to make myself look aware and scene. I want so badly to defy everything, and really, I don't ever know what I'm talking about and I'm willing to do anything for attention. Maybe if I do this, I can actually put my passion into something I believe in, instead of just being scene.
But I'm not scene. I mean, look at me! I listen to Madonna, I analyze a children's movie, I want to bang my ex-boyfriend whom I left for a girl, and it is my secret ambition to become a stripper. And I am a hypocrite who apparently has useless protests just so she can be scene and deviate from what's normal. And there is secret number six no one in the world can ever find out by penalty of law: I will do anything to defy the rules, even if it's stupid and irrational, and it is my main mission in life to be edgy. I think it started with my attention whore-ism and it just hasn't stopped since. Because I will do anything for attention, I try to pick what's edgiest. But I'm not edgy, which is the reason why these aforementioned secrets and the four more you are about to learn are secret.
Okay so I have deviated from the main topic quite a bit. Anyway, it is a rainy Monday, which we have already established as a bad Madonna song day or whatever. Rain is fun though. I like it. I love feeling the rain on your skin and just dancing in it. It makes me feel invincible. I used to get really sick all the time when I was younger and my mom could never figure it out. And I never told her it was because I'd dance in the rain like no one was watching, which of course they weren't since they obviously didn't know what got me so sick. Secret number seven (you know what goes here so why even bother): I adore the rain. And I don't really know why it's such a big secret. It just is. Although I must admit, if I went and danced in the rain right now and Mark somehow found me, that'd be pretty hot. No Maureen, you will not screw Mark. We went over this. Oh screw it, I probably would.
Calling Mark seems more attractive by the moment. Then I wouldn't be lonely, and Pookie won't be home until late, so I'd be terribly lonely. Pookie is such a stupid nickname. I don't know where it came from. Actually, yes I do. I was eating a cookie one day when Mark came in and asked me what I was eating. I said "Cookie," but I guess it came out sounding like the nickname. Secret eight: I hate the nickname Pookie. But I still use it, just because people expect me to do so. I think it's retarded. That was mean, but it seriously needs to be in the Special Ed class of nicknames. I hate it.
This girl in the apartment below ism playing samba, and while it's loud and very annoying…I like it. I adore Spanish music. I adore Spanish dancing. I adore Spanish food. My favorite of all Spanish dancing is the tango. It's so sexy and symbolic. I always have, too. Secret nine: I love to tango. And no one can know this since I know what they say behind my back. That my love is like a complicated tango or whatever. Maybe that's the irony or symbolism or whatever. I love to tango.
I am all secreted out. Well not really. I just tend to go blank when I'm bored. So I will leave you with one parting secret. A secret full of secrets. One that describes me and everything about me perfectly. Secret ten I'd die if anyone found out: I'm really not that full of secrets.
