In Too Far: Volume Three
Summary: Third in the In Too Far series. Barty is struggling to hold his relationship with Gwen together as the Death Eaters' demands get more dangerous and Sander comes closer to finding out the truth.
Rating: M. I think I may have just about got away with a T rating for the most part in the previous two volumes, but this one is easily going to be the one that most needs an M rating.
A/N: Here it is at last, the start of Volume Three. I am so sorry for how long this took. I tried and tried and tried to get this chapter written, but it just felt like swimming in custard. The harder I tried the more difficult it got. Despite knowing exactly what I want to happen none of it flowed properly, I was really struggling with how to express what was happening, and in general I just didn't find writing this easy. So, I apologise that after the long wait the end result isn't very good. However, I just don't think I could work on this any more without completely killing off the fun of writing it, so if you don't mind this chapter being a bit dodgy then hopefully I'll have got back into the swing of things a bit more by the next one.
This is essentially a rewrite of the end of Volume Two, but more from Barty's point of view and it covers some of the stuff you didn't see last time. I'm not sure if you'll think it's any good or not, but if you've read this far already I hope you like it enough to want to continue.
Disclaimer: I still don't own any of this, other than any characters that aren't recognisable from the books.
Part Three, Chapter One
As he pushed the door to their suite open Barty could tell Gwen was about to say something. She had a look on her face as if she was about to ask a question, but he didn't want to let her finish. If she started asking questions he knew he was going to have to lie to her again, and he hated having to do that. Better to not let her say anything at all.
The moment he'd shut the door behind them he leaned in to kiss her again, silencing the words that were just forming on her lips. Initially she seemed a little taken aback, but then he felt her relax and she opened her mouth to kiss him back eagerly. That's better, he thought, let's not talk, let's just do this.
He pulled her over to the bed, enjoying the taste of her as he lowered her down onto it. This was what he wanted. The entire boring evening would be worth it just for this. No thoughts of Death Eaters, or Karkaroff, or his father…just Gwen. In this moment she was all he needed.
For the first time in a long while he realised he was completely at ease. All the thoughts that had been plaguing him for days suddenly seemed to have been silenced, and he was just happy to enjoy being with her. As she pulled him down on top of her he let out a faint moan, taking time to enjoy the feel of her soft, warm body beneath him. They weren't in any rush. He just wanted this to last for as long as possible.
Gwen moved her hands up to undo his bow tie, and although for a second he was happy to just let her carry on he suddenly realised what it meant and pulled back abruptly. Judging by the look on her face he thought he might have alarmed her, but he couldn't mess up by letting her see his Dark Mark now. It might be a good idea for him to switch out the lights before they started doing anything. "Just a second," he muttered to her as he reached for his wand, and was taken by surprise when Gwen suddenly reached out a hand to stop him.
"You, er…you know you don't have to," she murmured, and he saw he blush bright red as she always did when she felt self conscious.
The state of contentment he'd just been in quickly evaporated and he suddenly felt anxious again. Why did she have to suggest this now? She'd been too shy and awkward about it for months, so why was she suddenly alright with not doing it in the dark? He stared at her for a moment, a little surprised and unsure how to react. It wasn't so much that he minded leaving the lights on – in fact, he would have quite liked to have left them on, except that it was so damn risky for him. "Really? You're sure you're alright with that?" he asked her, trying to disguise his own discomfort and hoping she would change her mind.
She looked uncertain for a moment, but her response disappointed him. "Yes."
So she was sure about this then. Did he have any choice but to go along with it? He wasn't sure what she'd think of him if he objected. "Just give me five minutes," he said as he clambered off of the bed and headed to the bathroom, trying to work out what to do. He didn't look at her as he shut the door behind him, but hoped he hadn't come across as being too nervous. He couldn't let her start to suspect anything was wrong.
He took off his suit jacket and hung it on the back of the door, and then undid his left cuff and rolled up his sleeve to expose his inner forearm. The Dark Mark glared up at him, much fainter now than it had been when the Dark Lord was at his full strength, but still quite clearly etched onto his skin. He knew he couldn't get rid of it. There wasn't even any way for him to use magic to hide it. He'd tried to before – concealment charms, masking charms, disillusionment charms…but nothing worked. The Dark Lord had been clever when designing the Mark of his followers. He wouldn't let them have an easy escape should they find themselves arrested or facing trial. They were forced to bear the mark as a sign of loyalty, and there was no way they could try to deny it or try to hide their allegiances should the aurors come for them.
Some people might have thought that arrogant or stupid, that Lord Voldemort made it so difficult for his followers to conceal themselves, but Barty liked it. There was something profoundly special about having been marked personally by the Dark Lord, and he had once thought that anyone truly loyal to the Dark Lord would never wish to conceal it and would bear the Mark proudly. Part of him still thought that, but with the Dark Lord gone now he knew it was more important than ever to keep this secret. He couldn't be of any use to the Death Eaters in helping find their master if he ended up in Azkaban.
And more than that, he still wasn't sure how Gwen would react to knowing the truth about him. He could try and explain it to her – try and explain the politics and beliefs that had attracted to him to the Death Eater cause in the first place, but he just didn't know if he could ever make her see things the way he did. Right now, he didn't want to risk it. Even though he still dreamed of the day he'd be able to display his Mark in public and be proud of it, he knew that right now he had to keep it hidden.
But doing that wasn't exactly easy.
He gave a frustrated sigh as he examined the Mark on his arm, wondering what he could possibly do about it. It wasn't anywhere near as vivid now as it had been back in September, but it was still very much noticeable. But if it had faded, did that mean a masking charm might be more effective on it now?
Barty slid his wand out of his pocket and then pressed the tip of it onto the tattoo, muttering the incantation for the spell even though he wasn't entirely convinced it would work. He was disappointed, but not at all surprised, when the Mark remained just as vivid as it had been before.
Letting out a frustrated sigh, Barty let his arms fall back to his sides and he glanced up at himself in the bathroom mirror, running his tongue nervously over his lips as he did so. He noticed his reflection seemed rather worried, and he tried to put on a much calmer front. I'm just going to have to cover it up, he thought to himself, put a bandage over it and think of a story to tell Gwen. She won't be too curious about it, will she?
He didn't know for sure, but he didn't much like entertaining the notion that she wasn't going to buy into it. He'd just have to keep her distracted. He raised his wand again and murmured a spell to conjure a ribbon of gauze from thin air, which he then wrapped round his arm to fully conceal the mark before pulling back down his sleeve. That was going to have to do.
Despite trying to convince himself everything would be fine, he still felt worried. His face felt rather flushed, and he splashed some cold water on it from the tap to try and calm himself down. He wasn't sure he looked entirely calm yet, but he couldn't keep Gwen waiting too long. It was time to get back to her.
Barty swallowed anxiously, still feeling uncomfortable, and he reached up to undo the top couple of buttons on his shirt before snatching up his jacket and walking back out into the bedroom. Just try and act casual, he told himself, it won't be a big deal as long as she thinks everything's normal.
Gwen was sat on the bed waiting for him, and he gave her a smile as he crossed over to her. "Sorry. Anyway, where were we?" he said, and was surprised by just how calm he'd sounded. That thought immediately made him feel better, and he relaxed a little more as he leaned in to kiss her. However, he immediately tensed up again as she suddenly stiffened and didn't respond. He pulled back from her and gave a slight frown, using up all his self control to not show just how panicked he was. "Gwen?"
The moment of panic quickly passed as she looked confused for a second, and then gave a small shake of her head and muttered, "Sorry," before leaning in to kiss him again.
Now this is much more like it, he thought, calming down immensely as he realized everything would be alright after all. He pushed his tongue forward into her mouth, letting himself relax and once again just enjoying the sensation of doing this with her. She lay back down on the bed and he climbed on top of her, giving a faint growl of pleasure as she moved her hands to his back and pulled him closer to her. Everything else had disappeared from his mind again and all he could concentrate on was her. Her taste, her scent, her body…
He wanted her now. Craved her. Even though he kept trying to pretend that this was about what she wanted, about making it up to her after the other night, he knew that it wasn't. This was about what he wanted. He wanted to please her just so that he knew he had something that bastard Westerbeck would never get. She was his. She wanted to be his and she was never going to want to belong to anyone else…
Gently, he lifted her off the bed again as he moved his hands to her back and tried to undo her dress. He wanted it to be straightforward, so it wouldn't have to interrupt them, but as he fiddled with the fastenings he felt himself growing increasingly embarrassed at his inability to get them undone. In the end he just gave up and pulled back from her with a huff. "How the fuck does that work?" he muttered irritably, glowering as if it was the fastenings' fault.
Gwen just seemed to be amused by it, and she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer to her again, "Hook and eye and a zip. It's not that hard," she teased as she resumed kissing him. He made a faint grumbling noise of irritation, but it died in his throat as one of her hands went to the back of his neck and the other went to his chest, undoing the rest of his shirt. He sucked in a gasp of pleasure at the sensation of her cool fingers lightly brushing over the skin underneath, and then she pulled the shirt off his shoulders and tossed it to one side. He was kissing her more aggressively now, growing impatient, and his hands went to her back to try and undress her again.
His eyes were closed and he'd almost managed to stop thinking about the risk of what she'd say when she saw the bandage, but then he felt her suddenly pull away from him and his eyes snapped open again. This was going to be the difficult part, he knew, and he hoped it would be over with quickly.
He held his breath as he let his hands return to her waist and studied her expression nervously, waiting for her to speak.
She had a rather apprehensive look on her face that was reflected in her tone. "Barty, what's that?" she asked him, having noticed the bandage.
Act casual. "It's nothing," he replied, but even to himself that had sounded incredibly forced. Why was he struggling with this so much? He never had trouble lying to other people, but with Gwen it suddenly became so much more difficult. "Don't worry about it. It isn't important," he said, hoping that would be enough to satisfy her. He leaned in to kiss her again before she had chance to say anything else, but she put up a hand to stop him.
"No, seriously, Barty. What did you do to it?" She had spoken firmly and was looking at him with an expression of concern. He was beginning to sense that she wasn't going to buy into his explanation readily, and that irritated him. Why couldn't they just carry on with what they'd been doing and not bother about this?
"I spilt revealant potion on it at work. Got burnt a bit, that's all. It's not bothering me." That was a perfectly reasonable explanation, he knew, and he really hoped she'd stop asking now.
But by the look on her face he could tell she wasn't satisfied. "Really?"
Come on, twist the truth a bit. You know you're good at that. "Look Gwen, I know my father's a bastard, but he's hasn't been quite so horrible that he's driven me to slashing my wrists, if that's what you're thinking," he said, managing to laugh, but he knew already that what he'd said had sounded altogether too sinister.
Gwen looked even more uneasy once he'd said that and didn't speak again for several moments. The silence only gave him more time to start panicking, but then she quietly muttered, "Alright," and leaned in to kiss him briefly. He didn't react, not trusting himself to not make the situation worse. "Sorry, I think I need five minutes too," she said before getting up off the bed and crossing to the bathroom.
He watched her get up without moving, his mind racing as he tried to work out what to do. At the last second he felt a rush of panic and thought he should try and stop her, but then he realised that would probably be the worst possible thing he could do. As she closed the door behind her he let out the breath he been holding and collapsed back down onto the bed. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
She wasn't buying it. So what did he do now?
He gritted his teeth and balled his hands into fists as he thought about how everything had gotten so messed up. Why the fuck couldn't this one thing just go right for him? With all the other shit he was having to deal right now with why couldn't this one evening have gone the way he wanted it to?
Rolling over, he slammed his fist into mattress and almost let out a cry of frustration, which he managed to silence at the last second. Don't panic, he told himself, stay calm and think. You've got to do something before she gets back.
Even as he considered all his options he was beginning to realise there was only one real course of action. He'd told her he'd burnt his arm, and he had to make the lie believable…
"Oh fuck," he muttered quietly to himself, but he knew that she was going to be back in the next five minutes and he didn't have time to think of anything else. He was going to have to do this.
Taking out his wand, he ripped off the bandage and pressed its tip to the inside of his arm. No time for anaesthesia spells, just get on and do it. Quickly. He didn't think about what he was doing. If he had, he probably wouldn't have done it. Instead, he just tried to focus on remembering the incantation, taking a deep breath and screwing his eyes shut before muttering, "Incendio."
White hot pain seared across his arm as flames licked at the flesh. He almost cried out, but then managed to muffle it into a choking sound, scared that Gwen might hear. His eyes were watering but he forced himself to look down at his arm and see the damage he was doing. The skin was turning red and shiny where the flames seared across it, but the Mark was still showing up. "Fuck," he gasped, breathing quickly as he tried to get a handle on the pain. He pushed the tip of his wand harder into his arm, letting out a faint sob as his flesh began to swell and erupt into blisters. The Mark almost appeared to be melting, the inky black lines spreading out like oil across his skin. Its shape became distorted and began to blend in with the angry lines of red that were now forming as he dragged his wand across the outline of the tattoo.
The pain was almost unbearable, but he knew it was necessary. Gritting his teeth, he looked down at the absolute bloody mess he made and felt a sense of relief as he realised the Mark was barely recognisable any more. Unless Gwen knew what she was looking for there was no way she'd be able to tell what it was. But fuck that hurt.
Still, he was sure he could heal it later. But right now he didn't know how much time he had. He quickly used his wand to get the bandage to tie itself back around his arm, wincing at the pressure it applied. Glancing at the bathroom door nervously, he decided he had time to risk casting a numbing spell. There was no way he could keep up the act of anything being normal in this much pain. He quickly pointed his wand at his arm again and whispered, "Analgesio." It took the edge off, but didn't numb it completely. He sucked in a deep breath again and grimaced at the throbbing ache in his arm, but he didn't have chance to try casting a stronger spell before he heard the handle on the bathroom door turning again. He quickly shoved his wand back into his trouser pocket and positioned himself on the bed so that he was watching the door, and he couldn't help but lick his lips nervously as he waited for Gwen to come out.
As she opened the door and glanced up at him she looked incredibly uneasy, but tried to give him a smile. "Sorry," she said quietly as she walked back over towards the bed.
He quickly stood up in front of her and grabbed hold of her shoulders, determined to try and put an end to this now. He knew he couldn't tell her the truth, but he didn't want her to be upset. "I'm sorry, Gwen. What I said was stupid," he said sincerely, not finding it difficult to be solemn when his arm hurt so bloody much, "I didn't mean to trivialise something serious, but I just don't want you worrying about me. I'm fine." He wasn't convinced that simply telling her that was going to work, but he had to try. "Don't think about me anymore now. I just want this evening to be about you, so please just try and relax and have fun." Those last few sentences sounded a little more desperate and pleading than he would have liked, but he genuinely meant them.
She looked up at him and gave a small shake of her head. "Barty, no. You can't tell me something like that and expect me to just go along with it. Of course I'm going to worry about you. If you've burnt yourself just let me have a look at it, make sure it's alright. I'll feel much better if you do."
To him she sounded nervous and worried, and that only made him even more uneasy. He knew he could show her the burn now, but he'd made such a mess he was worried about how she'd react. "Gwen, no, really. It's fine."
"Well, just let me look," she repeated, and began to reach out towards him arm.
He reacted in panic, snapping abruptly at her as his own hand went to grab her wrist. "Gwen, stop it."
She let out a slight gasp as his fingers closed round her arm, but it didn't register with him straight away. Why the fuck did she have to do this? He kept trying to get her to drop the subject, but she was just refusing and making everything so much worse. A mix of pain, anger, and frustration was clouding his brain and he was finding it difficult to think straight. He had no idea what he was supposed to do.
Gwen gave a slight whimper as she next spoke. "Barty, please…" she whispered, and with a sense of horror he realised how tightly he was gripping her arm. It hadn't been intentional – it was only in response to the pain he himself was in – but it suddenly dawned on him that he must have been hurting her. With a sense of self-disgust he quickly let go of her arm and looked down at the floor.
He hadn't meant to do that. He genuinely hadn't intended to hurt her, no matter how angry he was, but she was making things so difficult.
Barty let out a long, shuddering breath as he tried to decide what to do next. He could show her. She wouldn't like what she saw, but at least it wouldn't find out the truth. It would be easier to handle her freaking out over how bad the burn was than have her freak out over realising he had the Dark Mark.
Slowly, he reached out his bandaged arm towards her, resolved with himself that this was the only real option he had. "Go on, then. If it means that much to you, take the bandage off."
Her eyes flickered from his face to his arm and back again as she bit her lip nervously. She looked a little uncertain, but then gave a small nod. "Alright," she said, reaching up to gently unravel the bandage.
He grimaced slightly, but tried not to react to the fresh waves of pain she caused. As the layers of fabric came away he saw her eyes widen in horror as she slowly uncovered more of the livid burns underneath. He held his breath, waiting to see what her reaction would be but reconciled with the fact that the evening was already ruined by now. He just hoped that this would be enough to get her to believe him.
She looked up from staring wide-eyed at the burns to his face again, wearing a horrified expression. "Barty, what the fuck?"
A/N: Grr. I hate this chapter. I just feels really slow, clunky and flat. I don't know if that's how it came across to you, but that's the way it felt writing it. Not how I wanted to start of Volume Three at all. I'm hoping I'll get back into it a bit more next time.
Sorry about how little new action there was in this. I knew it was going to be a recap, but I had hoped to get more of Gwen's reaction in at the end. But since I struggled with this so much I thought it might be best not to try and force myself to write any more. I think this has been a bit of a problem chapter due to how much I was having to make it match up to the last one, and I think I'll find the next one easier as I'll have more freedom to write whichever way I like again. I hope you all enjoyed it more than I did and didn't think that was a completely disappointing start to this volume.
On a more positive note, there is now a second video to go with this story which I've linked to in my profile page. It's a bit short and I'm not quite as pleased with it as the last one, but it's tied in more to the events of this particular volume. It focuses more on Barty worrying about Karkaroff's trial, about how far his involvement with the Death Eaters goes, and about how he eventually gets caught. There's not so much of Gwen in this, but you do get a very brief glimpse of Sander if that's enough to tempt you into watching it.
Thank you immensely to all my reviewers who have put up with the long wait for this chapter. I can't thank you enough for sticking with me, no matter how long this story's gone on for. It's always really encouraging to know that people who've read it since chapter one are still interested fifty or so chapters later.
