A very bored seventeen-year-old Severus Snape watched Lily Evans as her frown deepened, gazing into her almost-perfect Memory Potion. Her head tilted slightly, and a tiny crease of concentration appeared between her eyebrows as she stirred the mixture three times clockwise, watching it go from muddy brown to emerald green. Snape winced for her, knowing it was meant to turn a slightly lighter hue, closer to lime green. Forgot the extra feathers, Snape thought. He knew how hard Lily was on herself when she made mistakes, especially in Potions – because she hardly ever did – especially if it prevented her from getting an Outstanding N.E.W.T in Potions. Lily was a natural at potions – almost as good as Severus Snape himself. So, he picked up a Jobberknoll feather, very conspicuously, and twirled it around in his fingers, hoping she would notice. After all, he had finally finished his Veritaserum potion roughly twenty minutes ago, after waiting the whole lunar phase to brew it for his N.E.W.T examination. Not that he was concerned, or even the slightest bit worried that he wouldn't get an Outstanding for Potions.
Lily peered up from her potion, looking in the direction of James Potter, who had sprouted a long white beard, reminiscent of that to Dumbledore's. Snape guessed that his Ageing Potion had worked then, although it seemed he had consumed much too much of it. Although, it wasn't surprising that he had managed it, seeing that a fourth year could brew that in their sleep. Brave choice, Potter, Snape thought. Lily giggled at his ridiculous beard, and Potter rumbled his hair arrogantly, which was now wispy and white. He blew her a kiss, and winked lazily. She grinned, and quickly looked down as she hastened to finish her Memory Potion.
Snape felt like he might throw up.
"Mister Snape! Looking a bit ill today, I see! Or is there something you wanted from Miss Evans' table, hmm?" his examiner asked him loudly, waggling his eyebrows. Lily looked up at the mention of her name, slightly disoriented, panic in her eyes as the end of the exam drew nearer. Potter glared in Snape's direction, although it failed to intimidate him in the least, as his eyebrows had also grown long and bushy, but retained their jet-black colour.
Yes, there is, Snape thought, there is something I would like from Miss Evans' table... Suddenly, a collection of wild fantasies he had been trying to hold back over the years broke through his barriers, stunning him to say the least, but he quickly remembered, with a jolt of pain, that none of them could ever come true. Don't think of it! Snap out of it, Severus! She doesn't want you, she wants Potter. Remember what Bellatrix said about Mudbloods last Christmas...
"Severus." She said, her lips pouting slightly. Any other male besides Snape would have found Bellatrix extremely attractive when she did this, but he knew what he liked, and it wasn't her. Plus the whole seduction thing was getting old for him – he knew what she was after and yet he still refused. "Join us. Join me. Think of what you could do, think of the power... you would be a precious asset to the Dark Lord, I know it. Severus..." she hissed, "Don't think about that Evans girl, she's just a Mudblood, you're too good for her. Think of what you could do – you could kill people like that blood-traitor Potter! Join us, become a Death Eater; think of what you could do..."
Snape chuckled darkly, remembering the conversation, and knowing that he could never lie to himself about that. Just another thing Bella was wrong about. Lily was too good for him. That was the simple truth, and nothing could change that.
Narcissa, one of Snape's good friends, had once questioned his choice in not joining the so called 'Death Eaters' (what a pathetic name, he thought), but he remained adamant in his decision. While he was fascinated in the Dark Arts, that was true, he knew Lily's perspective on Bellatrix and fanatical followers like her. He was not going to jeopardize his relationship with Lily any further than he could help. Plus, the whole Mudbloods-are-useless thing was completely ridiculous, seeing as the main point of his existence was, in fact, Muggle-born. Although, the thought of killing Potter was appealing...
He suddenly noticed he had been chuckling and muttering aloud in front of everyone like an idiot – not that there where many seventh-years taking N.E.W.T level Potions, but there was still a considerable amount of people shooting him questioning stares. Don't make a fool of yourself, he thought, play the part. What would you say if you hated her? He saw Potter's arrogance sneer out of the corner of his eye. What would you say if it was Potter?
"I was just noticing the obvious mistake in the brewing of her Memory Potion, sir. I believe the potion should be lime green, not emerald green." He snarled, pretending it was Potter he was criticising, instead of the green-eyed beauty he knew he would love until the day he died. She bit her lip and looked down into her potion, looking utterly confused.
The examiner only chuckled, while almost everyone was glaring at Snape with vicious anger. That was, of course, excluding the Slytherins, who were all smirking proudly in his direction. Meanwhile, Sirius Black was doing an over-the-top impersonation of Snape, which included dunking his head into a cauldron of Essence of Dittany to achieve the greasy-haired look when his examiner wasn't looking. Snape rolled his eyes.
Oh, hilarious. Does he now know how rare Essence of Dittany is? And how did Black even get into N.E.W.T level Potions? That idiot...
The examiner strolled over to Lily's cauldron and peered inside, his eyebrows twitching. "Well, well, well, it would seem that Mister Snape is right! Perhaps you... forgot," the examiner snorted loudly at his own joke, whilst the students groaned in response, "the extra Jobberknoll feathers added after the original feathers have been stirred six turns anti-clockwise, hmm?" He waggled his eyebrows again, looking more and more ridiculous as the exam went on.
The crease between Lily's eyebrows only increased in size as she noticed her error. She shook her head, muttering to herself. Snape knew her – used to know her – only too well to know what she was thinking. Doubting herself, of course, wondering why she was such a failure. He saw moisture forming in Lily's beautiful green eyes, and oh my God I made her cry, what the hell is wrong with me? and he felt a sudden jolt in his chest, and he had the sudden urge to reach out to her and comfort her and –
There's nothing you can do, you idiot! Just leave it alone!
"Time's up!" Professor Slughorn boomed, from the other end of the Great Hall, "Leave your potions, if you will. You may go."
Snape quickly picked up his books and hurried out of the Great Hall, knowing what was coming for him, and likely with bushy black eyebrows.
"SNIVELLUS!" Potter roared, flanked by his usual. The 'Marauders' (can't wizards think up decent names these days? Snape thought), as they called themselves. They, however, did not look their standard immature selves – perhaps even worse – seeing as Black's hair was still soaked with Essence of Dittany, giving it a fluorescent green glow, Potter still had the Dumbledore beard and bushy eyebrows, Pettigrew's eyes were madly twitching – no doubt some potion of his had backfired, the boy was an idiot – and Lupin looked like the living dead, his eyes drooping madly, probably from the recent full moon. Potter ran forward and slammed Snape into a nearby wall. All magic forgotten, he took a swing at Snape, his eyes sparkling with rage, landing a solid punch into the side of his face. Snape's nose started gushing blood as Potter continued punching him and bellowed abuse Snape was used to, "YOU GREASY GIT! HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO LILY! IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS! DON'T YOU KNOW –"
Suddenly, Lupin and Black grabbed Potter's arms and pinned them behind his back. Potter struggled against them, his eyes still full of revenge. Pettigrew was hiding behind a nearby bookcase, whimpering, his eyes still twitching madly.
"Prongs, no! Look, we can get him later – James, McGonagall is right there!" Black whispered coarsely, nudging his head in the direction of the Professor, trying to calm Lily, who was in near hysterics about her blunder of the Memory Potion. Both were completely oblivious to the unfolding scene.
"I DON'T CARE! HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO HER? I'LL KILL YOU! YOU SON OF A –"
McGonagall was no longer oblivious. Neither was Lily.
"James! What the hell are you doing? What happened to his face? You didn't. How could –"
"Potter! What on earth do you think you're doing, starting a wrestling match in front of –"
All five of them turned to see Professor McGonagall and Lily, striding towards them, both screeching over top of each other. It was a terrifying sight – it was difficult to say who was more frightening. Lily's dainty fist was in the air, shaking, and McGonagall's face had turned a brilliant red, the colour or Lily's hair. Lupin and Black's arms dropped as they edged away, trying to escape their wrath of fury.
"How dare you?" Lily screeched, right in the face of James Potter. His expression was absolutely terrified. "You think you own me? You think you can just break his nose, because he pointed out my mistake? What is wrong with you?" Lily screeched at him, all but ignoring the silently escaping Snape, trying to avoid Lily's wrath.
"You four! Yes, you too Pettigrew, my office. Immediately!" McGonagall roared, all but yanking Snape's arm off as she dragged his slowly retreating body away, along with Lupin, Black and Pettigrew towards her office. "Oh, and Lily, I'll leave you to deal with Potter." She said with a wicked gleam in her eye. Potter audibly gulped, his eyes wide with fear.
"But, Professor," Snape complained, trying to ignore the searing pain in his nose, "I'm not even in your house!" Snape was losing feeling in his right arm. He tried to wipe away the blood coming from his nose with one of his sleeves, but it only smeared the blood over his face more. Black sniggered.
"As I am well aware, Snape! However, due to the circumstances, I think it would be fair if I spoke to each of you. Separately. In you go, Remus."
Lupin quickly entered McGonagall's office, his face pale as a sheet, leaving Black, Pettigrew and Snape outside. Black leaned against the wall arrogantly, sneering at Snape.
"What the hell is your problem? You bloody idiot! What's Lily ever done to you?" Black snarled, running his hand through his now bright green hair.
"Nothing at all, sadly." Snape sighed, then promptly realised he had spoken out loud. His cheeks flushed.
"Oh, that's right, your little crush on Evans? Well good job on that one. She bloody well hates you now! Why do you always bloody –"
"Can it, Black." Snape interrupted. He had no desire to hear knew how much Lily hated him.
Black snorted. "Not bloody likely. How did you think you even had a chance? Well, even if you did, that chance is gone. James is pretty damn protective of her. Although, technically they're not together – yet – it's bloody likely she'll be his girlfriend sooner than later. He's been taking her to Hogsmeade every weekend, on dates. My estimate is by Christmas, at least. Gryffindors are taking bets, you know, on –"
"His WHAT?" Snape roared, feeling like he might pass out at any second. His thoughts ran mad. He hadn't heard anything after Black mentioned the word girlfriend.
His girlfriend? It couldn't be. No! They don't even like each other! Lily hates Potter – how can you go out with someone who you hate? It can't be. Black is wrong. He's wrong!
"Will you stop bloody interrupting me? As I was saying – oi, Snivellus! Snivellus!"
Snape sprinted out of the McGonagall's office, his eyes bulging out of their sockets madly, all but forgetting his bloody nose, desperately searching for Lily to confront her.
It's not true, it's not true, it's not true, it can't be, it can't be, it can't be...
"Lily, you know I –" James was trying to defend his case – brave, but stupid – but Lily kept interrupting him, damn it!
"Don't start with me, James! I expect that kind of thing from Severus – he's a bloody Slytherin, for Merlin's sake – not from you. You can't go and beat up every person that's rude to me! You'd have to practically kill every Slytherin on this side of –"
Now it was his turn to interrupt. "I was just trying to protect you! He was being a right git!"
"And as you very well know, I don't need protecting!"
"Well, obviously you do need protecting!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, for the love of Merlin, woman, you were practically sobbing! What was I supposed to do, pat you on the back saying 'There, there, time heals all wounds' and give you a lemon drop? I did what any decent man would do, fight for his woman!" James yelled victoriously, proud of himself.
Lily blushed, but continued her interrogation, "Why would you do that if you knew it would get you at least a month's worth of detention with Filch?"
"Because, Lily, I love you, and I'd do anything for you!" he practically roared. Lily was left utterly speechless at his declaration. James was a little light-headed himself. "I – I mean, I don't know how you feel, but I know we've been seeing each other for a while, and I know you were a little unsure at first, but I just feel... I mean, it feels right, you know? At least, it does for me..." James paused, waiting for some kind of approval to continue. Lily smiled and nodded slightly, motioning for him to continue. He took a deep breath, and said, "I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." James said, sincerely. He was blushing deeply, noticing that she didn't return the declaration of love. He looked down, feeling rejected.
Lily seemed satisfied with his apology, but was still shocked from his blunt announcement. "That's quite alright, James, I – I feel the same way about you, too. I love you, too," she said quietly, hastily removing the effects of the Aging Potion with a flick of her wand. Once his hair had returned to its normal length and colour, she reached up onto her tippy-toes and kissed him straight on his shocked mouth. Their mouths jolted with electricity at their first kiss. James responded a little too excitedly, forgetting they were right outside the Great Hall, and wound himself around her as he knotted his hands in her red hair. Lily became increasingly aware of the stares of people in the corridors, and unwillingly untangled herself from James. She cleared her throat as he readjusted his glasses, "but if you ever do that again I will be forced to castrate you." She said, taking advantage of his comically shocked face.
"Wait, what?" James asked, a little too late, as he was dazed from the kiss, but Lily had already run away, giggling. Normally, he could have easily caught her, with his running abilities improved from late-night races with Mrs Norris, Filch's cat, but he was feeling quite dizzy. He staggered, "Hey! Come back! Lily!" as he ran to catch up with her, bumping into some second-years on his way.
Snape arrived back outside the Great Hall, just at the spot where Potter had broken his nose, which was still throbbing painfully. Snape panted – he had run the whole way from McGonagall's office and he was no athlete – his scrawny frame was not built for running. He arrived just in time to hear Potter confess his love to Lily. What an idiot, he thought.
"Because, Lily, I love you, and I'd do anything for you! I – I mean," Potter mumbled on, something about seeing things and being right, rejection clear on his arrogant face. Clearly he expected Lily to run to his arms, sobbing and returning her love for him in a passionate embrace. Pathetic, Snape thought. Lily smiled a little, obviously trying to ease his rejection before she told him she thought he was a disgrace to the male population. Potter apologised, blushing deeply and waiting for some sort of approval. Pathetic, he thought again.
Lily started talking again, very quietly, but a group of noisy fifth-years passed at that very moment so Snape couldn't hear a thing. Probably just telling him to go jump off the Astronomy Tower, he sneered. Snape leaned closer, to hear, "James, I – I feel the same way about you, too. I love you, too," Snape stood back, alarmed at his deteriorating hearing ability. First my nose, and now my bloody ears? He did not believe that she said I love you, too, for one second. He snorted at the thought of it. The next thing Snape knew, they were kissing. Potter was getting into it, of course, he practically groped her at any chance he got. Lily pulled away, gently, and cleared her throat. Potter looked stunned at his own good fortune. Snape didn't hear what Lily said next. He was too busy running for the boy's toilets, and violently vomiting into the closest sink. All he could think was no, no, no, no...
After Snape was done being sick, and had cleaned himself up the best he could, he felt a sudden urge to rip Potter to shreds, to burn him until his bones turned black that Snape had never felt before. Sure, he had hated him, but not this. This was the need to kill Potter right then and there. But he couldn't. Of course he couldn't. Because it was his own fault that he pushed her into him. If he hadn't been such a bumbling fool than they might still be friends, and then maybe, after a while...
The thought that Lily might have kissed him like that caused Snape to fall to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. What the hell is wrong with me?
Then he remembered what Bella had said, "Think of what you could do – you could kill people like that blood-traitor Potter!" His mind whirled in crazy circles, intoxicated by the idea of killing Potter. He knew what he had to do.
"Bella," he spat, as he entered the Slytherin common room, furiously looking for the one person who could get him what he wanted. He spied Narcissa in the corner, and strode over to her, again demanding, "Bella."
"You'd think you'd know my name is Narcissa by know, Severus, or should I start calling you James? And what on earth is that smell? Is that blood –"
"DON'T YOU DARE MENTION THAT BASTARD'S NAME IN FRONT OF ME, NARCISSA!" Snape was panting again, his face red with rage, "He took – he just, I just want..."
"Okay, Severus, calm down. I was joking. What do you need from Bella?"
I want her to teach me how to torture and kill. I want to rip Potter's life so far apart that he'll never see the sun again. And Lily will see what he really is.
Snape grinned, but it was a horrifying grin. His eyes bulged, he still had dried blood smeared on his dangerously crooked nose, and vomit in his greasy hair, and his yellowed, crooked teeth were bared. Altogether it was a terrifying expression. Narcissa slowly backed away as Snape told her what he wanted. His tone rang with finality.
"I've decided to join to Death Eaters, Narcissa."
