I regret everything, finding the Death Note, taking the power and going mad with it. Playing Misa like I did and lying to everyone I cared about. Most of all I regret having L killed. I knew as soon as I started playing Misa that L would die. She thought I loved her and she loved me. So when I gave the order I knew that she would follow through no matter what, I couldn't tell her not to because I love him, because then she would kill him out of anger. I couldn't kill her because Rem would kill me, killing herself at the same time.

Whichever route I went down it would have ended badly. So now here I am, at L's grave. It's simple and boring so it wouldn't have attention drawn to it, it simple says L on the tombstone. I come here every week or so and lay down flowers and make sure it looks nice for him. I don't know where he is now and I don't want too either. I want to be with him.

He didn't know how I felt for him, I was getting round to telling him but couldn't bring myself to do it. He never thought I loved Misa but he would never have guessed that loved him. He's a great detective but not that good. It's funny really; the world's greatest detective couldn't solve the simple mystery behind a 17-year-old's crush on him.

It started out that way, a simple crush I thought I would grow out of but it never went away. Soon I found myself looking at him at base and when we were together. I wanted him. I had dreams about him and fantasies that would never come true. Soon enough it was love. I wasn't too sure about it at first but in time I realised that it meant something. No one knew, I didn't dare tell anyone. My father wasn't a homophobe or anything but I just didn't want him to know.

It was my other secret. I never liked the fact that no one knew. The Death Note was a lot to carry and I wanted to scream that I was Kira on many occasions but restrained myself. I wanted people to know that I shamelessly loved another man. No one did though.

If I could go back I would change things. I would tell my father first off and I would've never ordered Misa to kill L. Most importantly I would've told L that I loved him. If he loved me back then we would've had that secret relationship that people dream about. If he rejected me then I would've taken it.

I'm not afraid anymore of people finding out I'm Kira. They will figure it out on their own in time. I would be sent to death. Maybe I would re-join L.

I think too much I know, but love is that serious mental disease that clouds everything over. It hurts and I know that effectively I killed him. I killed the man I loved to save myself and I hate myself for it. I can't even look at Misa anymore. I want her to hate me so badly. If she left me alone then I could mourn and grieve in peace and wait for Death.

The death of criminals is on the rise and I'm not going to stop until people know that I am Kira. I'm not going to walk out and say it.

To tell the truth I want to die but I won't kill myself in that way. I feel like I'm already dead though. Mentally I'm dead, I feel nothing when I kill or when I talk to people or even when I'm with Mother and my sister. My body is still working though sadly so I can't leave the world.

This is where I stand and I won't cry and I won't die just yet. I still have both my secrets and once the first comes out the second will follow.

I love you L.