Disclaimer: Golden Sun and The Lost Age are property of Nintendo and Camelot. Fruit Pie the Magician is property of Hostess.
Special thanks go to Lachesis at the Temple of Kraden for inspiring me to write this. Nom nom nom.
The dark energy of True Collide surged from Dullahan's outstretched palm and enveloped the blonde boy in its smothering grip. The Venus Adept let out a muted cry as the energy was drained from his body, and when the dark energy left him, he fell to the ground, completely spent.
As the boy's energy reinvigorated him, Dullahan surveyed the chamber. All eight of his challengers lay scattered about. Both Wind Adepts had fallen to his Formina Sage, and the brown-haired girl lay crumpled in a heap where Charon had dropped her. He'd decapitated the boy with the tall hair, and the blue-haired healer girl he'd stabbed through the chest. True Collide had defeated both his last opponent and the blue-haired man, and he'd Condemned the other Venus Adept to death.
"You fought well," Dullahan told his lifeless opponents. "Very few of you mortals have ever given me a real challenge, and you came to closest to defeating me that anyone ever has. I will not soon forget this battle."
Dullahan continued to gaze at the carnage. Soon he would have to clean up his small cavern.
"But first..." said the headless knight, "some tasty refreshments to celebrate my victory!"
"That's right, Dullahan!" said Fruit Pie the Magician, appearing from nowhere in the middle of Anemos Sanctum. With his top hat, cape, and magic wand, the advertising icon looked severely out of place in the blood-stained chamber.
"Why, Fruit Pie the Magician!" Dullahan cried in delight. "Are you here to tell me about the fruity deliciousness in every bite of a Hostess fruit pie?"
"I sure am," said Fruit Pie the Magician. He whipped his hat off his head and held it out. When Dullahan looked inside, it was brimming with various flavors of brightly-packaged Hostess fruit pies.
"Golly!" exclaimed Dullahan. "How can I choose?"
"Each flavor of Hostess fruit pie is filled with a different fruity taste," chirped Fruit Pie the Magician. "Why don't you try good old apple?"
Dullahan plucked an apple-flavored fruit pie from the top hat. "It looks delicious," he said, unwrapping the treat with uncommon delicacy.
"Go on, take a bite," encouraged Fruit Pie the Magician.
Dullahan pulled the fruit pie from its wrapping and dropped the pie into the neck of his armor. "Nom nom nom," came the sound of processing food from inside the chest of Dullahan's armor. "Nom no- Ugh! Uh..." Dullahan's hands shot to the neck of his armor and reached inside, feeling around for the fruit pie that was blocking his airway (or other breathing aperture).
"Is something wrong, Dullahan?" asked Fruit Pie the Magician. Dullahan waved his arms wildly. Fruit Pie the Magician stood looking on, beaming all the while as Dullahan staggered around his lair, trying to dislodge the lethal fruit pie.
Finally, Dullahan banged into a wall. He fell over onto his back and writhed around a bit until he went limp. Fruit Pie the Magician went over to Dullahan and banged on the chest of his armor. The deadly fruit pie rolled out the neck of the armor, covered in some sort of bodily fluid that was probably equivalent to saliva in a giant, anthropomorphic suit of armor.
Fruit Pie the Magician looked around the chamber. Besides the recently deceased Dullahan, there were eight slightly-less-recently deceased humans. The situation was decidedly awkward.
Fruit Pie the Magician then noticed Dullahan's sword leaning up against the wall. The anthropomorphic fruit pie picked it and gave it a few experimental swings and then grinned. Fruit Pie the Magician liked how the sword felt in his grip. He let out a decidedly malevolent laugh.
"No longer am I Fruit Pie the Magician," Fruit Pie said, pulling some armor off of Ivan's corpse and strapping it on himself. "Instead," he said, taking Isaac's bloodstained scarf and wrapping it around the lower half of his face, "I am Fruit Pie the Avenger, harbinger of doom!" He raised the sword and teleported outside of the Sanctum. "And those bitches at Hostess had better watch out! I'll show you for retiring me!"
And so a new age dawned on Weyard.
