TITLE: Dear David
AUTHOR: Goddess Isa
EMAIL: godessisa@aol.com
SUMMARY: A very important letter to Mr. Boreanaz, from yours truly
RATING: TV-C, for CRAZY
DISCLAIMER: David owns himself. I own myself. Bern owns herself. I think Sandee owns herself, but David might actually own her. I'll lyk.



Dear David,

Hello.

Happy Birthday!

When you see the card I've made you, covered in pictures of you and my head on Buffy's body, and when you see the stationary this letter is written on, covered in pictures of you as Angelus, and when you read the erotic stories of Angel and Buffy that I've enclosed, you'll probably think I'm crazy. Well, you have NO idea.

My name is Lisa, but EVERYONE calls me Isa and you will too if you value your life as a mortal human being (I have contacts with the Mayor). I'm crazy Cult Ho #1 of the SGCAA. That stands for Salty Goodness Cult of Angel/us Addicts. Like I said, I'm Cult Ho #1 and PROUD of it. I'm also the guardian of Angel's ass (only because we aren't guarding anything that isn't a part of Angel or Angelus. I have nothing against your ass.). No one has claimed Angelus' ass yet, but I'm sure it'll happen soon. I can mentally see Katie and Bern fighting for it now! No, Bern, no! Leave his spiky hair alone! That's Sandee's! We've been over this. If you two can't play nice I'm going to have to seperate you! Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Sandee is probably your Spiky Hair Ho, and Bern is MCS. No one knows why, and no one asks.

Despite the uniqueness of their titles, I quite like mine. It's not overbearing, but at the same time it's easy to distinguish me from the lowly minions. There are many people in our Cult of all ranks, and we've chosen to guard many things related to you on our own, however the Cult also joining guards some things such as Angel and Buffy's wedding, your body, your love for Buffy (and Sarah!), the fact that Ingrid does not exist, and Sandee wants me to mention again that she guards your hair.

My reason for writing is that we as a Cult would like you to give us a gift for your birthday. You may think it's ridiculous, but let me tell you right now, we aren't a rational group. We would like to ask you to PLEASE stop pretending you have a wife!!!!

We know Ingrid isn't real. We know you screw Sarah Michelle Gellar every chance you get. Since you and Sarah are used to be so close, my friends and I want to suggest that you two just share a trailer this coming fall. Granted, it'll be a bit hard since you'll be working on two different shows with two different schedules, but even so I should think you would want to be as close to each other as possible. That way, you won't have to run around the studio from one trailer to another when you feel the need to get some Sarah Lovin'.

Please take these things into concern and have a very happy birthday with your Slayer. Feel free to contact me any time @ goddessisa@aol.com. You can also reach my voice mail @ 1-800-Angels1stho!


Isa