I don't own anything Harry Potter related. So this may be a oneshot, and it may not. If I feel inspired by reviews, or just plain inspired I may write a second chapter about what Remus Lupin is feeling. So anyways, this is just something that happened off the top of my head at 3 in the morning when I was feeling angsty. Please read and review.
Chapter 1: Raining In Heaven
I'm so sorry.
No one alive or dead can possibly know how sorry I am that I had to leave you… but I couldn't help it. I guess it was my time. But that doesn't make it any easier.
I've watched you for weeks now. I've watched from above as you cried by yourself for hours over my death. I've watched you drink yourself nearly to death. I've watched you curl up on our bed for hours, just staring straight ahead of you, without any emotion.
It's almost too much for me to bear. I want to scream at you, shake you, tell you that you're not the only one that's hurting. I want to enclose you in my arms, and feel your warmth against my body. I want to look into those brown eyes again, and see nothing but love staring back at me.
That was what always amazed me about you from the moment I met you. You've had every aspect of yourself under control. You were a werewolf, a beast of the moon, and yet you were the calmest person I've ever met. Perhaps that's what attracted me to you in the first place. You were collected, and charming, and kind… everything that I wasn't. You were my other half. It seemed as though you could handle anything with ease. But every time I looked into your eyes… I could tell what you were really feeling. They hid nothing from me. Fear, anger, sadness, happiness, love, hate… it was all there, in your amber eyes.
I want to kiss your elegant lips again, and feel the passion of our love like we used too. The way we kissed- it used to overwhelm me. I would find myself asking if it was real, or if it was only fantasy. I wondered if you were just a figment of my imagination. Did I just make you up to appease my insatiable loneliness, or boost my ego as to think I could have someone so divine?
And as if he could read my mind, you ran your fingers through my tangled hair, and murmured in my ear, "I love you Sirius. I will never leave you."
I smiled, and traced my finger across your jaw line, and up to your cheek. I held your flushed cheek in my palm and gently brushed my lips upon them. I was reassured that you were real, and what we had was real. And I responded, "I love you too, Remus. And I promise I will never leave you. Ever."
You never left me, just like you said. Sweet, trusting Remus… but I left you. And the guilt of that tears endless holes in my heart. It doesn't matter that I didn't intentionally leave you. The fact is, I did. I left you in a cold, depraved world, all alone. You were always a frail and delicate person, I was always there to protect you. And now, I can't even feel your warmth against my skin anymore.
I can't feel anything but cold. It's almost like being back in Azkaban, except worse because I know I can't escape and come back to you. All day and night here, it rains. It never stops. I don't know whether this is hell or heaven, or someplace different. I haven't found Lily or James. I haven't even tried looking. All my time is spent torturing myself because I can't be there for the only person I lived for.
I would do anything just for one more chance to speak to you. To hold you, and kiss you, and tell you how miserable I am up here without you. I want to assure you that I'll wait for you. I'll wait for you forever, however long that is. I don't want you to despair like this. I want you to enjoy the rest of the years that you have in front of you. I want to see that shy smile that I love so much grace your lips.
I don't want you to suffer anymore Remus. Can't you see, I'd take that pain away from you in a second, and keep it as my own? I'd suffer any amount of pain for you. I only wish I could. I am stuck with my own pain, which is worsened by watching you sob for hours, alone.
I just don't want you to think that I'm selfish because I'm up here in this place, without you. I don't want you to think I just left you there to rot on Earth. If you only knew what it's like up here, Remus, seeing you, watching you, but not being able to ease your pain, or help you at all. All I do is cry and watch you. The rain washes the saline from my cheeks, and I'm not even sure of which or tears or which or raindrops. My heart breaks every time I see you alone, all the passion gone from your heart. You've affected me so much that you cause heartbreak, even when my heart has ceased beating.
I'd give up forever just to feel your cheek against mine once again. I want to let you know that I'll never let our passion and love die.
The biggest lie is when they say that it's better when you leave everything behind in death. I want to tell you that also, Remus. I'm so much more miserable now that I'm up here in this place, rather than down on that despairing planet with you.
Heaven isn't a possibility for me. How could I experience something better than my moments with you, Remus? My heaven was with you. Heaven isn't a place that you go to when you die. Heaven for me was the moments when your lips breathed life into mine with a simple kiss. Heaven was feeling your fingers intertwined in mine. Heaven was feeling your hot breath upon my neck on those nights when we both couldn't sleep.
You are my heaven. And you always will be.
I'm still up here, still marveling at your beauty. I'll never forget you. I'll love you, always.
I just wish you knew how it rains all day up here without you.
