AN; i know i should be working on furry silver lining, the truth is, i have just lost the inspiration for fluffy stories, so i am ging to write this one instead with alot more angst. i hope you love it :) anything underlined is supposed to be struck out but you can't do that on here so i had to underline it instead. please don't read if anorexia affects/offends you, i don't want to trigger anyone in recovery or offend anyone. please no flames either, this is an issue close to my heart and i want to write about it to let go of my own frustrations.

please review!


Daddy isn't around anymore. He hardly ever comes home now. He says he's too busy at work. Mummy believes him. I know better. He doesn't love her. He doesn't love(s) us. I heard him one night when I went to his office.

Breathing. Heavy breathing.

Mum had asked me to go find him, ask him if he was coming home that night. No one else was in the auror office. No one but him. And her.

Moaning. Breathing. Moaning.

He says he stays at work. He says he has lots of missions to go on. Uncle Ron covers for him. I'm never sure why. He had an affair with a man. He always covers for him. He tells Mummy what she wants to hear. Maybe it's because she's his little sister. Daddy threatened to tell the family. I heard them talking one night.

I love Daddy and Mummy but I wish they would just admit what's going on. I'm pretty sure mummy isn't as naive as she makes out. I wish they would just get a divorce. I wish they would stop putting us all through hell.

I wish I wasn't ill.

I wish I didn't have to depend on the bathroom scales. On the mirror. On the toilet.

No, I'm not ill. I'm strong. I am skinny. I am my bones are beautiful. I know Teddy loves them too. The way his fingers dance over the bones. The way his lips ghost over my throat and collar. The way he can pick me up as though I was a feather. He loves that I'm not fat. He loves my bones. He loves the gap between my thighs. He loves that I'm cheap to take out. I never eat. He only has to pay for the water. Bottled. As always. I refused to have water infused with the dirty copper of the pipe it came from. I refuse to pollute my body with anything but the tiny amount of vitamins in the water. 0 calories. Light. As. A. Feather. I will always be light as a feather. So light I could fly.

I told Teddy once that I wanted to fly. He told me it's impossible without a broom. I told him I'd prove him wrong. I will be weightless. I will defy gravity. I will fly. Higher than the clouds, the sun and the moon. I want to be so light I can dance through the air, twirling, climbing, jumping. Dancing.

Heavy breathing. Moaning. Breathing.

I want to be able to fly so high I wouldn't have to stare at Mummy's face and lie to her. I wouldn't have to tell her that Daddy is just working late. I wouldn't have to tell her that I don't know where he is. I wouldn't have to tell her that I didn't find him when she sent me to. I wouldn't have to see the hurt in her eyes when she had to throw away his dinner. Again.

He told me not to tell.

Teddy doesn't know either. He cuddled me until I had stopped crying. He asked me what was wrong. I told him that it was nothing. He wouldn't give it up so I lied. I had become good at that lately. Lying. I lied about dad. I lied about weight. I lied about caring. I lied about everything. To everyone. Including my boyfriend who was nothing but worried for me. I. Just. Lied.

He told me not to whisper anything. To anyone.

"Lily! Dinner time!" mum shouted from downstairs. My hands started to clam up as I slowly descended the stairs, trying to delay the family meal time.

Don't tell.

:Don't eat: Stay strong: Tiny bites: Tiny waist:

Dinner was a full family affair in our house. Tonight we had Mum's brothers and their wives and offspring around Teddy was here too, sat in the seat next to what was usually mine. I loved these family events. It was easy to relax and not be noticed to be eating a small amount. Unless you were sat next to Grandma Molly. But that was fine because she was sat with Uncle George at the other end of the table talking about how Fred II was getting married in the fall. Uncle George was bored, I could tell. But he wouldn't dare say no to Grandma. Not since Fred I died.

I took a small bread roll, two scoops of salad and a small spoonful of rice. Carbs are bad. Carbs make you bloat. But one scoop will fool the family. I have been vegan for almost a year now. They eat less calories that omnivores. And my family don't question why I pile my plate high with salad and no dressing. I say no to the potatoes, claiming mum cooked them in beef dripping. The rice sits at the twelve o'clock position on my plate. The roll at nine and the salad at three to six. A sizeable gap between them all. I wait for the conversation to start up between those around me before eating some of the lettuce (8 per cup) and a couple of cherry tomatoes (6). I periodically spread the rice around on my plate, making it look like I had eaten some. I eat half of my roll, no butter (50) and sneak the other half under the table to the dog brought over by Louis. I finish the salad, leaving a couple of leaves to cover some rice, (20) and then put my knife and fork at the five o'clock position on my plate. Just to be polite.

Total calories of my meal; 83. I chug my water quickly, making myself feel like I am full. I'm never full. Empty is good. Empty is strong.

I need to eat.

I won't eat.

Healthy won't make me gain weight

Calories are bad

I need food.

I will be like a feather. I will defy gravity. I will not make footprints in the sand or snow.

Skinny is weak.

Skinny is strong.

I am strong. I will always stay strong.

Don't breathe a word, not a sound to anyone. She is too happy to know.

Dad isn't here as per usual. He said he was called in on an unavoidable emergency. He said he was sorry. He isn't sorry. Mum made the excuse to the family and now they're all happily talking, bantering back and forth. I stare at Lucy. She stares back, nodding slightly as if to tell me she was successful. I nod back letting her know I also stayed in control.

Skinny sisters to the end.