I: October & April
"Like light and dark, worlds apart; This fatal love was like poison, right from the start," October & April, The Rasmus
The sun was just finally shifting the last of its rays beyond the horizon, letting the moon settle into place in the middle of the new night sky. It wasn't quite the midnight blue I was used to, the weak light from the sun watering down the rich quality of the darkest hours of night, but it was pretty in a bleak way, nonetheless. I sighed, distracted by the direction my thoughts were rapidly racing towards. I hadn't come out here to fall apart, I had come out here to try and keep myself together.
I was finding it increasingly harder to keep myself together, ever since arriving back at St. Vladimir's from Spokane. Wherever I looked, another reminder of our attack would slide into focus and another burst of guilt would rise up in my chest, making it all the harder for me to move on. I had dreamed of the day I would be able to kill Strigoi all my life, and now that dream had been tainted with the cruel reality of pain and loss and blood. All I had stopping me from walking off over the edge was Lissa. Knowing that she was depending on me to protect her eased the guilt that I was cradling, the guilt that maybe I had caused the death of my best friend, the guilt that I had scarred the minds of three others and the guilt that I had betrayed someone I never wanted to betray.
Sliding down from the tree brought me crashing back to the here and now. I grabbed my kit bag and headed towards the training room that I would spending the morning in. The moon was growing in strength as I crossed through the melting snow, silvery moonlight lighting my way. I walked with strength and purpose, my mask back in place, ready to face my mentor and heartache.
Dimitri was leaning against the doorway of the gym, his eyes closed as he let the light fall onto his face. I paused a few feet away, watching his hair skim his shoulders in the wind. He didn't usually wear it down, and I was mesmorised by the way it made him look older and more beautiful in the same breath. Stubble darkened his face where he hadn't shaven and there was a rough edge to the way he was dressed. He had his brown duster on, and that was when the alarm bells started ringing in my head. He didn't look like he was dressed for training. He looked like he was dressed for some serious journeying.
"Roza." He opened his eyes slowly, and my heart froze in my chest as his intense gaze grazed my face as slowly. He never called me Roza, not unless he was getting ready to unleash emotional turmoils on me, whether they be the calming kind or the romantic kind. Either way, I knew I wasn't fit to take any kind of emotion. I tried not to look directly into his eyes, skimming the snow with the tip of my foot. "Are you alright Rose?" His voice was more concerned as he finished his survey of me. I tenses as his arms grabbed mine and pulled me closer.
"You're leaving." There were only two ways those words could have come out; sad and small or snappy and cold. I wasn't about to fold in front of him, not so easily, and the words were like blades slicing through both of us. He dropped my arms like they were burning him. "You're leaving with Tasha, aren't you?" I added, and this time more fire burst into my voice. I had been feeling a lot of crap things lately, been beating myself up about a lot of things too, and now all of those emotions were about to be let rip on the one person I didn't want to see them.
"Yes." It seemed like it was a day for one word answers. We were both stood in the snow, staring at each other with accusations in our eyes. I didn't want to be hostile, but I didn't want to collapse at his feet in tears either. He was the only person to see me for who I was, the only person who could get inside my head and make me feel vulnerable, and I hated and loved at the same time. And now he was leaving. "I'm leaving with Lady Ozera in a few hours."
"Should have known," I replied bitterly. "You've probably had your eye out for an older woman to take care of you, as much as you'll take care of her. That, or you knocked her - " The wind was knocked from my lungs as a hand swung around and threw me into the snow. My eyes stung, and not just from the slap, as my hands grazed the asphalt beneath the ice. I didn't move for a whole minute, trying to steady my breathing and lock my emotions back into a cage at the bottom of my chest, all before Dimitri apologised and helped me up. I didn't have to wait long for the inevitable. Whispered, rushed words of Russian breezed past my ear, hands covering me and holding me as I was lifted back to my feet.
"Roza, Roza, Roza," he repeated as he moved us nearer to the brick building, the shadow hiding us from seeing eyes. His hand brushed my hair back from my face, making my shining tears obvious to his heightened Dhampir senses. He traced the path of my last tear, catching it before it fell from my chin. "Don't say that Rose. It's not like that. It's complicated."
"That's what all great players say when they're finished with their latest toy." I turned away, heart hammering at this close contact with Dimitri, whilst another part of me died as I realised that it would be the last time I had close contact with Dimitri. In fact, it would be the last time I had any contact at all with Dimitri. My breath caught in my throat as a whimper climbed out.
"Rose," Dimitri said, startled. "Did I hurt you?" Yes, I screamed mentally, you broke my heart. Smashed it, destroyed it, and now you're leaving with what ever is left. But out loud, I didn't say anything. I stared up at him, knowing what I had to do, and hating myself for it all the more.
"You have places to be, Guardian Belikov," I said as coldly as I could. It came smoothly, my anger for myself changing over to him easily. And with those words came more anger at myself and my betrayal of him. His dark eyes hardened and I found myself balanced against the brick wall on my own.
"You're right, Rose. I do have places to be. And people to be with." Ouch, my gut twisted viciously as I swallowed his words like ice cold water. "I don't have time for you immature ways anymore. I have tried my hardest to work with you, and there has been improvement in your physical and academic skills, but I cannot spend any more time on you trying to iron out your attitude. I am no longer your mentor. You no longer require a mentor."
I raised my head, letting the words flow around me and bury themselves within me. I didn't know what was going on; one minute he acted like he loved me and the next he was making the age gap between us clear. And I couldn't help but be wounded by the callous way he spoke of our time together. I couldn't figure out the truth from the lies and it was making it hard for me to look at him. I tried to find something to reply with, something sarcastic and witty, but my attitude had left me. He had effectively "ironed" it out. Shame he wasn't going to be sticking around to see the change.
"I understand, Guardian Belikov. We all have our duties as guardians. But don't think that because you've left, and suggested I don't need a mentor, that I won't be putting extra hours in. I hope that you and Lady Ozera have a safe journey." Cold words slipped out before I could stop them, replacing the angry, childish tears that were threatening to fall again. He's leaving. He's leaving. He's leaving, danced around in my head as I hungrily tried to commit his face to memory. But it was hard and I didn't want to remember him hurt.
"Dimitri?" Another voice broke through our glaring contest and Tasha Ozera walked into viewpoint. She looked apologetic as she took in our stances and walked over to Dimitri, placing a hand on his forearm. "The car is here Dimitri, and we need to leave soon if we are to get to the airport in time." She looked at me. "Sorry to be stealing your mentor from you Rose," she said, no sincerity in her voice. I smiled back, as warmly and as widely as I could.
"No worries Tasha. As a novice guardian, I understand that Royal Moroi need protection and you have an important campaign ahead of you. I hope your campaign goes well." I turned my eyes to Dimitri, taking in his appearance one last time. "I'll see you, comrade."
The walk into the training hall seemed longer then it should have been as I kept Dimitri and Tasha Ozera behind me. I waited until the door was shut and my training combats were on before I let the tears start, falling forwards onto a punch bag at the same time, letting my fists fall onto the leather at the same time as the sobs became animalistic cries. I had effectively lost everything that mattered to me in a short space of time.
I kept fighting until I could no longer stand, falling onto the crash mat with heavy breaths. I rolled onto my back and raised my shaking hands to my cheeks where the tears had dried. My chest rose and fell as I tried to get a grip on myself and control the pieces of me that were getting out of reach. The clock told me I had an hour until my classes started, but I couldn't find it in me to move or care. Why should I care now? Right on cue, a twinge of despair, that wasn't my own, bit at the back of my throat, bitter like the taste of metallic. I felt the pull, and then found myself staring at Lissa's tear-streaked face.
