disclaimer: yes, the same things we write every time! I don't own the Patriot or any of the characters, alas! (Well, actually "Lady" it's me, so SHE IS MINE, uahahahahhaah!) But Colonel Tavington and the others are not mine.

The patriot

PART ONE: CHAIRS, SILICONE AND STARS

Mel: I've long feared... that my hunger would return to visit me... and the weight is more than I can bear...

Ben's farm.

Nathan: Look, post rider.

Samuel: Who cares.

Emmerich: Oh my.

-Thomas arrives with Gabriel-

Thomas: LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!!!!!!!!!! POST RIDER!!!!!!!!!!

-He runs forward trying to reach the horse-

Horse: What a smart one, really.

Post rider: Come on, horse! I don't wanna be reached by that idiot!

Horse: You're right.

-The horse speeds up-

-Thomas falls in the grass-

-Thomas dies-

Emmerich: Cut!!! Thomas, you have to die later!

Thomas: Ok, sorry.

-Thomas reburns-

-The horse reaches the porch where Margaret is teaching the alphabet to his brother William-

Margaret, showing him an illustred card: What is it?

William: An R, idiot. Do you really think that I don't even know the alphabet?

Margaret: Oh, look. Post rider.

William, sarcastically: What a wonderful news.

-Abigale appears on the porch-

Abigale: Hello. What an idiot and useless role I have, really.

Post rider: And what am I supposed to say?

Horse: And I, then?

Abigale: Let's ask the director.

Emmerich: Abigale, you have an important role. You are a slave and in the beginning of this film you're making bread. You feed Martin's family.

Post rider: And what about me?

Emmerich, nodding: Yeah, you're quite useless.

Horse: Right, I won't ask anything.

Emmerich: Shall we go on, then?

Abigale: Ok. Hi post rider. What are you carrying?

Post rider: You're quite smart, do you know? What do you think I'm carrying?

Abigale: Post!! Yeah! Have I guessed?

Post rider, rising his eyebrows: Take it.

Abigale: Thank you!!! (Turd man)

Post rider: Duty. (bitch)

-Margaret reaches Abigale-

Margaret: Oh, what is it? Post from Gabriel?

Abigale: Gabriel in not at war yet. (stupid girl)

Margaret: So, what Thomas is so excited about?

Abigale: Don't ask me.

-Thomas arrives, yelling-

Thomas: POOOOOOOOOOOST RIDEEEEEEEEEER!!!!! LET ME LOOK INTO THE MAIL!!!!!!!

-Gabriel arrives and enters the house as Thomas is reaching the mail-

Gabriel: Thomas! Wait for father while I'm eating this piece of bread.

Thomas: Why??? I wanna look into the post! That idiot of my father is building a chair! What I care about him??

Abigale: Gabriel, watch out! The bread has just been into the oven!

-Gabriel, as his tongue burns-

Gabriel: Bitch! In your view is normal to leave the bread on the table when it's still hot??

Abigale: And in yuor view, son of a bitch, it's normal to take a piece of bread when it's just been in the oven?

Gabriel: I couldn't know that.

Abigale: Next time don't eat.

Gabriel: But I'm hungry!

Abigale: God, save me please from the hungry masters.

Gabriel: God, save me please from the stupid servants.

Emmerich: God, save me please from the foolish actors.

-Everyone turns to look the director-

Emmerich: Sorry. (But I'm right)

In the barn.

Mel: Alright. World, look!! Look what a wonderful thing I have made! A chair!

Susan: God, is really this desperate one my father?

Mel: SUSAN! YOU'RE TALKING!

Susan, shaking her head: ... (Fuck you)

Mel: Alas. Well, let's try this beautiful chair.

-Mel sits on the chair-

-Mel falls-

Mel, laughing: It works! It works perfectly!

-Samuel and Nathan enter the barn-

Samuel: Father! What are you doing on the floor?

Mel: I'm testing my chair. My beautiful chair.

Nathan: (Good heavens) Oh, good work.

Mel: Have you two finished with the fields?

Nathan: Oh, yes. Less than half than half than half.

Mel: My good lads. I'm very proud of you.

Nathan: (That's because you're stupid) We know, Father.

Samuel: Come on, Nathan. Let's see what Thomas has found in the mail.

Nathan: Don't you have any hobbies, Samuel?

Mel: It works! It works! My chair is working!

Susan: Please! Take me with you! I really don't want to stay here with this mad one!

Mel: WHAT I'VE HEARD! YOU'RE TALKING!

Susan, nodding her head: ... (Go to Hell)

Mel, crying: Oh. Well, at least my chair works perfectly.

-Susan sighs-

In the garden.

Mel: I was so intelligent to place my wife's tomb in my garden.

Wife: Why have I married this one?

Mel: My dear wife, I'm here to tell you something, because I know that you can hear me even if you're dead, and because God protects you, blah blah blah.

Wife: Please, let me sleep!

Mel: But the thing that I have to tell you is... Emmerich, smiling: This is a moment of great suspence. What a excellent director I am.

Mel: Dear wife, I'm here to tell you...

Wife: What??

Emmerich: What??

Mel: That my chair is working.

Wife: Christ, please, let me reach the heaven without stay here anymore!

Emmerich: Problems between wife and husband are frequent.

Wife: Not when the wife is dead!

Emmerich: Well, that's right.

Mel: And my chair is working.

Susan and Margaret's bedroom.

Margaret: Look, Susan. There are stars in the sky.

Susan: NOOOO!? REALLY??

Margaret: Our mother is over there.

Susan: Was our mother a star?

Margaret: No, Susan. When people dies they become stars.

Susan: I didn't knew. Are you sure?

Margaret: Well, this is what was written on the script.

-Mel enters the room and Susan stops immediately to speak-

Mel: Hi, girls. What were you talking about?

Margaret: Mother. I was explaining Susan that our mother is a star, now.

Mel: I didn't knew. Margaret, how she can be a star if I talked to her this morning?

Margaret: Have you talked to her?

Mel: Yes. She was in her grave, as usual.

Margaret: What have you talked about?

Mel: Different things. I said that now that she's dead, she's protected by God, because she was a good woman, and an excellent wife... blah, blah, blah.

-Susan and Margaret fall asleep-

Mel: ... and then I said that my chair was working... Oh! You are asleep! Good girls, I'm so proud of you.

Susan: (Mental, this one)

Downstairs.

Thomas: Gabriel, is useless that you try to pretend you're reading. Everyone knows that you can't read.

Gabriel: Sot ap!

Thomas: Oh, I forgot. Your tongue is still quite wounded, is it?

Gabriel: Fuck ghyou.

Thomas: Next time you'll permit me to open the mail.

Gabriel: Fuck ghyou aghein.

Thomas: Of course.

-Mel enters the room-

Mel: Ah, Gabriel! What are you reading?

Gabriel: Uh, I dod't nouuw.

Mel: Good. I'm very proud of you.

Thomas: Can we open the mail, now?

Mel: The what?

Thomas: The mail, father. We have wait for you.

Mel: Oh, you can.

-Thomas and Gabriel run toward the post-

Gabriel: Firsst!

Thomas: Give me my letter!

Gabriel: Thergh aren't andy lectters vor yough.

Thomas: Oh.

-Mel wears his glasses and checks the post-

Mel: Oh, there is a invite for me.

Gabriel: Pather, Peder Cuppin had joined the coddinentals. Why I'm not?

Mel: Because you're too young. Wait until you'll be seventeen.

Gabriel: Budd I'm eideen!

Mel: They want me to Charlestown. We're leaving tomorrow.

-No answer-

Mel: Hey! Lads, have you heard me?

Thomas: Yes, we are going to Charlestown. I've already read the post. Do you really think that I would wait for you?

Gabriel: Budd I want to go to the dwar.

Mel: I'm proud of you.

The day later, at Charlestown.

Margaret: Look! There are boats! Aren't they wonderful?

Susan: (Someone help me)

Samuel: I can't wait to see aunt Charlotte.

Nathan: I can't wait to see aunt Charlotte's breasts.

Susan: (God, why am I here?)

Mel: Nathan, you are a very mature boy.

Nathan: Thanks, Father.

Mel: I agree with Nathan.

Margaret: About what?

Mel: Nothing, Maggie.

-They reach Aunt Charlotte's house-

Children: Aunt Charlotte!

Charlotte: Good to see you, lads. Wait a minute, I'm filling my breasts with this silicone...

Mel: (Oh, so this is her secret)

Nathan: (Yak)

Margaret: What's silicone?

Emmerich: CUT! Charlotte, there's no silicone in 1776.

Charlotte: Until now.

Emmerich: Go on, please (God, help me please)

Mel: It's wonderful to see you (and your silicone breasts)

Nathan: Are there any presents?

Charlotte: No. Is not enough that I keep such wild beasts as you in my house??

Mel: Always so nice you are, darling.

Susan: (Fiuuw no stupid dolly this year)

Evening.

Thomas: Oh! Gabriel! Are you?? Gabriel! Look, everyone! That guy down there is my BROTHER!

Gabriel: Hi! (Finally my tongue is healed)

Margaret: Who is he?

Thomas: He's Gabriel!!!!!!!

Margaret: HI GABRIEL! I'M HERE!

Gabriel: Hi! (God, what stupid brothers and sisters I have)

-Gabriel sees Anne Howard-

Gabriel: (Uh, there is Anne!) Hi Anne.

Anne: Shush, stupid! I'm listening to my Father.

Peter Howard: King George cuts off my leg.

Gabriel: Cool.

Anne: Oh, Father! He's right, he is not?

Gabriel: Oh, of course. Do you remember that I'm the one who put ink in your tea when you were eleven?

Mrs Howard, hitting him with her bag: GO AWAY! PORK!

Anne: Shush, Mum, Father is talking again.

Gabriel: (What an exciting life)

Charlestown again.

Judge: I don't know who I am, but I'm here to do the most boring scene of this movie.

Man, standing up: I disagree!

Judge: Do you think that this scene is exciting?

Another man: I disagree!

Judge: God, help us. We are here to discuss about something, but because I'm really boring, let's talk Captain Something from the blue coats and let's listen what he has got to say.

-Harry stands up-

Harry: Thanks very much, Judge. (Fuck you) Well, I'm not an orator...blah, blah, blah... Bunker Hill, blah, blah, blah, Green Dragoons, blah, blah, blah, England, blah, blah, blah, war...

Judge, yawning: Alright. Let's listen to Benjamin Martin, now.

Harry: I've not finished yet.

Judge: Sit down.

Harry: Anyway, I'm not an orator.

-Mel stands up-

Mel: My wife is dead and I don't know if she's a star or not. My wife's sister has silicone breasts. My oldest son has his tongue burned and my other son read the mail without wait for me.

-People cries-

Judge, sighing sadly: Awful.

Harry: I'd like to know your wife's sister.

Mel: She's here.

Every man in the room, even mr Howard: WHERE???

Charlotte: We are here, indeed.

Judge: We?

Charlotte: Me and my breasts.

-People faint-

Charlotte: Have I said something wrong?

Outside.

Man: Why we are out here while everyone is inside?

Other man: I don't know.

Child: Twenty at twelve!

Everybody: Yuhu!

Gabriel: Yeah! Now I can go to the war!

Mel: I don't think so. You're hurt.

Gabriel: My tongue is okay.

Mel: I won't give you the permission.

Gabriel: To write to Anne?

Mel, sighing: Even if you go, I'm very proud of you.

Gabriel: I hate you, Father.

-Gabriel queues-

-Harry arrives-

Harry: What a fool son you have, Ben.

Mel: Thanks, Harry. He's my pride.

Harry: However... I will assign him to the barns or something like that.

Mel: Thanks.

Harry: (Like father, like son)

The scenery changes: now Charlestown is an English possession.

Tavington: Hello. I'm William Tavington. Pleased to kill you.

Emmerich: Jason! You're not talking in this scene!

Tavington: Look, sometimes may happen that an actor kill the director.

Emmerich, trembling under Tavington's icy glance: A-Alright. As you wish.

Tavington: Good. Now I'm descending the stairs with this fat, old and stupid man of Lord Cornwallis'. But in the next scenes you will know me. Ah, there's another thing. I'm really an hot guy.

Lady: That's right.

Tavington: And who are you?

Lady: The writer.

Tavington: Cool.

At Martin's farm.

Mel: It's such a good thing and a wonderful hobby to seed the fields. Oh, look! My sons are running toward a bloody river! I'm so proud of them!

Nathan, seeing the river: Cool! Would you like a bath?

Samuel: Good idea!

At the porch.

Thomas: I'm reading Gabriel's letter.

Margaret: Oh, it's so exciting!

William: Yawn.

Thomas, reading: "Pray for me but above all pray for the cause".

Susan: (What the Hell is the cause?)

Margaret, crying: Oh, I will.

William: (Mental, this one) Yawn.

At dinner.

Nathan: If they take our home, they'll rape Abigale, Margaret and Susan.

Samuel: Why?

Nathan: Because they're women.

Samuel: Abigale, are you a woman?

-Abigale hits both Samuel and Nathan with a frying pan-

Susan: (What means rape?)

In the corridor.

Mel: Yeah, I'm here in the shadow with a pistol to shot everyone would come into my house! I'm really prudent.

-A black shadow enters the house-

Mel: So lucky that I'm just here. And so luckily I have a pistol, too. I'm very proud of myself.

Shadow: It's Gabriel, stupid.

Mel: Oh Gabriel! My son! Get over here.

Gabriel: I can't walk.

Mel: And how can you get here?

Gabriel: Ask the director.

Emmerich: Gabriel is tired to walk, so he falls on the ground.

-Gabriel falls on the ground-

Gabriel: (I'm feeling quite stupid, really) OH! Uh! I'm sooooo wounded!

Mel: Oh God! He's dying! He's dying! Someone help me!

-Margeret arrives-

Margaret: I read your letter, Gabriel. Beautiful. I'd like it very much.

Emmerich: Cut! Margaret, don't say foolish things like that!

-Margaret gets out the room crying desperately-

Gabriel: Oh, I'm really hurt.

Mel: I have to open his shirt.

Samuel: NOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm frightened!

Mel: Abigale, take the children upstairs. I don't want them seeing this.

Gabriel: I'm dying.

-Amy Lee and the others Evanescence enter Ben's farm-

Amy: I'm dyiiiiiiiiiing prayiiiiiiing bleediiiiiing and screaaamiiiing!

Emmerich: Damn! What are you doing in my movie?

Amy: Now I will tell you what I've done for you...

Mel: Abigale, the Evanescence.

Abigale: Evanescence, come, upstairs.

-The Evanescence get upstairs, still singing-

Margaret: Good song.

Nathan: Good singer.

Gabriel: Fa... fa... ther...

Mel: I'm here, son.

Gabriel: I'm dying, really.

Mel: OH, God. I though that you would be killed by a Green Dragoon.

Gabriel: Really?

Mel: Please! Don't die now!

Emmerich: That's right. How can we go on without Gabriel?

Lady: Oh no! It won't be the famous "Shaving scene".

Emmerich: What's the hell is the "shaving scene"?

Lady: You'll see.

Gabriel: Ok. I won't die now. But I'm still seriously wounded.

Mel: Don't worry. It's just a scratch. I mean... oh no! Your wound is soooo deep!

Emmerich: Can I hang myself?

Lady: No, Roland. Wait until arrives JayJay.

Emmerich: I hope that he will be good.

Lady: He IS good. More than Mel Gibson.

Mel: Hey!

Gabriel: Please... call a doctor.

Mel: Where's my cell phone...

Emmerich: CUUUUUUT! There's no cell phone in 1776.

Mel: Really?

-Gabriel screams desperately-

Mel: I'm here, son, I'm here.

Gabriel: I KNOW YOU'RE HERE BUT DO SOMETHING!

Mel: Yes, of course. I'm going to do something.

-Mel opens Gabriel's shirt-

-Everyone around them vomits on the ground-

Gabriel: That was likeable, people, thanks very much!

Lady: (Poor Anne) Director... can I suggest something?

Emmerich, his face violet: What?

Lady: Can we do a scene like this with Jason? I think it would be more enjoyable.

Emmerich: "The Patriot" is a cruel film, Lady. We can't get in such happy scenes like that.

Lady: Oh. What a rotten luck! (But it would be so exciting!)

Emmerich: Can we go on with the film, now?

Lady: Of course.

Gabriel: Father! I'm still dying!

Mel: Who did this?

Emmerich: (An intelligent question, at last)

Gabriel: They were all around me. They were Green Dragoons.

Mel: Oh my poor son! And you have fight them all alone, haven't you?

Gabriel: (Of course, we were 5 thousand!) Yeah, father...

Mel: And...

Emmerich, yawning: Ok, stop with this scene. It's really boring. Let's go on.

TO BE CONTINUED.

_______________________________________

No flames, please. This is my first fic!! Hope you all liked it! I'm going to write part 2 when I will have time to do so! In the meantime, bye bye and review, PLEAAAASE!