Happy Anniversary, Mr. J

"It's seven years to the day," murmured Harley Quinn dreamily. "Seven years since me and Mr. J first got together. Right here, in this office. On this couch, in fact. And it's a good, sturdy couch, let me tell you, Johnny. Can take a heck of a lot of pounding."

"I'll take your word for it, Harley," replied Dr. Johnny Bryan, her psychiatrist, friend, and former colleague. He had also harbored romantic feelings toward her for a few years now, but was too nice a guy ever to give voice to them when she was with someone else.

"Nobody makes me feel the way he do, Johnny," she sighed. "Nobody else in this whole wide world is as special and wonderful as he is! Such a perfect, handsome, strong, smart, amazing man! I'm a lucky girl, Johnny. The luckiest girl in the world."

"It's great that you feel that way, Harley," he replied. "I love seeing you happy. And I'm afraid that hasn't always been the case these past seven years."

She shrugged. "Mr. J and me have had our ups and downs, same as any other couple. There was that time he tried to kill me. And that other time he tried to kill me. Actually, he's done that a lot. But then I did try to kill him a couple times too. And I went through that horrible sane period where I tried to give him up, you remember, Johnny, when we met. Which was the only upside of that time in my life, by the way," she said, smiling at him.

He smiled back. "Yeah, I'm glad you tried to rehabilitate yourself, Harley," he replied. "For my sake, anyway. My life would be a lot emptier without you in it."

"Aw, Johnny, you're such a sweetheart," she said, grinning at him. "When are you going to find a nice girl to settle down with? You really deserve one, you know."

"Well, since you asked, Harley, I am actually seeing a nice girl at the moment," he replied. "We met at a dinner party a few weeks ago and we've been on a couple dates. She's smart and funny and sweet. I think you'd approve."

"Aw, Johnny, that's great news!" she exclaimed, beaming. "You should bring her round so I can meet her sometime."

"Actually, she'll be picking me up after work later today," he said. "We can swing by your cell, if you want."

"I sure do!" said Harley, beaming. "Aw, I'm happy for you, Johnny. Romance is the greatest thing in the world. Well, aside from Mr. J, of course. It's a shame we have to celebrate our anniversary in this dump. Don't get me wrong, I love that it's where we met and everything, but last year he'd set up champagne on the roof of a building with a view of the Gotham hospital, and then blew it up just for me. Said the explosion and the screaming and the sirens was what was going on in his head every time he looked at me. So romantic! But it's kinda impossible to be romantic locked up like this and surrounded by shrinks and guards. Probably won't even be able to sneak a quick playtime, and on our anniversary too!" she sighed.

Johnny smiled and stood up. "Well, I've actually got a surprise for you, Harley. I know you think I'm a nice, sweet, honest guy, but I'm afraid I told a few lies and broke a few rules and arranged a little something for your and the Joker's anniversary."

He went over behind his desk and brought out a bottle of champagne, two glasses, and a cake with the words Happy Anniversary written on it. "And I may have told the guards I'd escort you back to your cell personally so they weren't needed. I may have also brought Joker's appointment with me forward to right after yours, and I might have to step outside for a while during our session. So you can see if the couch is still as sturdy as you claim," he added, smiling.

Harley gaped at him, speechless. "Johnny," she breathed. "You did all this for us? Why?"

"Well, to see the smile on your face, I guess," he replied. "It's thanks enough for me, anyway."

She beamed at him. "Oh, Johnny, you're the sweetest, nicest guy in the whole entire universe!" she cried, leaping into his arms and hugging him tightly. "Thank you! Thank you so much! I won't forget this, and if there's ever anything I can do to pay you back…"

"Harley, don't worry about it," he replied. "Just enjoy your anniversary."

There was a knock on the door. Harley hid as Johnny opened it. "I've just returned Quinzel to her cell – bring him in," he said to the guards.

They shoved Joker into the office and then left, shutting the door behind them. Harley emerged from behind the desk to see Joker gazing in astonishment at the champagne and cake. "Wow…Doc…this is really sweet of you, and I'm really flattered, but I'm involved with a guy already, y'know, and I think Bats might be the jealous type."

"Aw, puddin', you're such a kidder!" exclaimed Harley, rushing over and hugging him tightly. Johnny smiled.

"I'll leave you to it," he said, opening the door. "Have fun."

"We always do!" replied Harley. The door shut, and Harley bent down and kissed Joker tenderly.

"Happy anniversary, Mr. J," she whispered.

"Gee, thanks, Harl," he said, still puzzled. "How did the shrink know?"

"It's all I've talked about for months," she murmured.

"Yeah, it's pretty impressive," he agreed, grinning. "Didn't think it would last this long. Thought one of us would be dead by now."

Harley laughed. "Aw, puddin', I love you!" she exclaimed, kissing him. "You want some champagne, sweetie?"

"Love some, Harley baby," he said.

She picked up the bottle and realized there was no corkscrew. "Gee, Johnny must have forgot the…"

Joker took it from her and smashed the neck on the table. "We can pick out the broken glass," he said, smiling as he poured it into glasses. "Or not. I know how my Harley girl loves her pain."

He lifted the glass. "On this day, a wonderful, magical thing happened to me, and I met the person who forever changed the course of my life. I hope we never stop fighting. To us."

"Oh, puddin'," breathed Harley. "God, I love you so much."

Her eyes drifted over to the couch. "I still remember it as if it were yesterday," she murmured.

He laughed. "Well, I'm sure I remember it a lot better than you do, Harl! Yep, the euphoric, miraculous feeling of suddenly being free, freed from the chains of sanity and plunged into madness, glorious, spectacular madness!"

"Yeah, that's how I felt too, puddin'," she murmured.

"And I never thought then how much we'd go through together, all the fights and battles and yet here we are, years later, and still needing each other! It just makes a guy glad to be alive, I tell ya!"

Harley beamed at him. "You wanna drink the champange on our couch, Mr. J?" she whispered. "We could maybe talk like we did when I was giving you therapy. I could play doctor again and you could play patient and we could just see where our session takes us."

He grinned. "You're a sweet kid, Harley," he said, pinching her cheek. "That sounds like the perfect climax to my anniversary!" he laughed. They went over to the couch and Harley began kissing him tenderly. "Bit warm in here, isn't it, Mr. Joker?" she whispered, as she began to undo her top. "You won't mind if I just undo a couple buttons, will you? And then the doctor can give you your medicine."

"Think you might be doing the swallowing, Doc," he whispered, grinning.

"Mmm, it's such a big pill, I'm not sure I'll be able to swallow it all," she murmured. "But I'd love to try," she whispered, devouring his mouth again.

He sighed. "This is real nice, baby. But I can't deny there's a tiny part of me that wishes I could see him today."

"Him?" she murmured, continuing to kiss him as she reached down to undo his belt. "Who, puddin'?"

"Batsy," he replied. "It being our anniversary and all."

She drew away, puzzled. "What's the Bat got to do with our anniversary?" she asked.

"Our anniversary?" he repeated. "It's our anniversary today, Harley. Mine and Batsy's. Ten years ago today he knocked me into that vat of acid and created the happy soul I am today."

She stared at him. "You…and Batman? You think this is all for you and…Batman?"

"It isn't?" he asked, confused.

"No, of course it isn't!" she shrieked, suddenly furious. "It's our anniversary, yours and mine, you ungrateful jerk! Seven years ago today! Seven years of my life wasted on a selfish creep who can't even remember the most important day of his life!"

"Hey, I remembered it was the most important day of my life!" he retorted. "Just not for the same reasons you think it is!"

"I can't believe you thought this was all about you and Batman!" she shouted. Then a realization suddenly struck her, and she gaped at him. "Which means you picked this day, seven years ago, to seduce me…because it was special to you and Batman?!"

"I picked it so I'd only have one date to remember, all right?" he snapped.

"Well, you didn't remember it!" she shrieked. "You slimy, manipulative bastard! You thought I was going to give you time on the couch for Batman?!"

"And for me!" he retorted. "It's the day I became the Joker, Harley! Your Mr. J, whom you adore! I thought you were just showing me how much you loved me!"

She glared at him. "You disgusting creep!" she shouted, standing up and bursting into tears. "You can't even remember the one day that's extra special to you, our day, when we fell in love, because you're fixated on yourself and your relationship with a flying rodent! You don't love me! And I hate you, Mr. J! You sick, twisted monster! I hate you!"

"Harley, you're blowing this out of propotion…"

"You forgot our anniversary!" she shrieked. "There's no way I can blow that out of proportion! It just proves how meaningless I am to you! But of course, how could I ever hope to compete with Batman?! Well, you can have him, Mr. J, and I hope you're both very happy together! I never want to see you again! Never ever!"

And she rushed out of the room, sobbing. Joker sighed, standing up and picking up the cake and the bottle of champagne.

"Who wants cake?" he muttered, dumping it onto the table in the Rec Room. Two-Face, Edward Nygma, Jonathan Crane, and Jervis Tetch, who were seated at the table, all eyed it suspiciously.

"What's in it?" muttered Two-Face. "Some kinda frosting that makes you laugh yourself to death?"

"What? No!" snapped Joker. "That wouldn't be at all funny, would it, Harvey? A laughing cake? That's not a joke! It's hardly a fish, is it? If I had made it, I would have put candles on the top that exploded when you blew them out. Y'know, make a wish, and bam!" He chuckled. "Talk about being careful what you wish for! But I didn't make it, so it's just a boring, standard, everyday cake which I can't eat all on my own, so I thought I'd share with my bestest buddies."

"And what precisely is the occasion?" asked Crane. "Whose anniversary?"

"Mine and Batsy's," he replied. "Ten years we've been punching each other out."

"Congratulations," said Nygma. "Oh wait, ten years and you still haven't killed him yet. Doesn't really seem like a cause for celebration to me. More like a testament to your monumental and repeated failure."

"It's also mine and Harley's anniversary," continued Joker, ignoring him. "Seven years the little minx has been clinging to me like a leash around a puppy. One of those choking leashes that keeps tightening and slowly strangles the puppy."

"You arranged for them to be on the same day?" asked Two-Face, puzzled.

"Look, I only wanted to have to remember one date!" he snapped. "But I forgot it was also mine and Harley's anniversary, and was under the impression that she was being all sweet and romantic because of mine and Batsy's anniversary, and now she's rushed off crying and saying she doesn't want to see me again. But I didn't want to waste the cake. Or the champagne."

He took a swig out of the broken bottle, ignoring the shards of the glass that cut into his face.

"It would really be quite jolly if we only had some tea," said Tetch. "We could have quite the merry party and discuss the twinkling little Bat, and where he's at, up above the world so high, like a tea tray in the sky."

"We could certainly discuss why J hasn't been able to get rid of him in ten years," snapped Nygma. "He's an intellectually inferior being, which must make you, J, even dumber than he is."

"Maybe I don't want to kill him, Eddie," retorted Joker. "Maybe he's more funny to me alive than dead. Maybe he makes me smile with his silly little antics. Like the joy you get watching a baby play with a toy before it explodes in their face."

"My working hypothesis is that you're afraid of life without him," retorted Crane. "Afraid of the emptiness that would fill your life with his death. You would have no point and no purpose – a villain without a hero is a truly tragic figure."

" 'But the snail replied "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance - Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance," murmured Tetch, quietly.

Everyone stared at him blankly. "We were discussing tragedy," he muttered. "And the emptiness of life without a dance."

"We were discussing Batman, not snails," retorted Two-Face. "And frankly you're all talking crap. The Bat ain't dead because he's lucky. When a guy's got luck on his side, there's nothing anyone can do. And she's a harsh, merciless bitch."

"Speaking of harsh, merciless bitches, maybe you had better go see Harley's ok," said Nygma.

"She's fine," snapped Joker. "She's only doing this for attention. Let her have a cry, and a night to sulk, and she'll be all smiles and affection tomorrow."

"Are you sure?" Nygma asked.

"Of course I'm sure!" he snapped. "She's been my personal ball and chain for the past seven years! I know how her little mind works. She never stays mad for very long."

"She's gotta be permanently mad to put up with you as a boyfriend," retorted Nygma.

Joker grinned. "Here's a riddle for you, Eddie. Why do I have a girlfriend and you don't? Any guesses? Hmm? Because you're a socially retarded loser who talks in goddamn riddles, that's why! So just shut up and worry about your own non-existent relationship rather than sharing your opinions about mine! In fact, the last thing I want to do is talk about women surrounded by this pack of dateless wonders! Between you, the absent-minded professor, and the guy who dreams of dating children in Wonderland, your input is about as useful as Barbara Gordon's legs! So beat it!"

They all three glared at him. Joker smashed the champagne bottle again, so that both its edges were serrated, and then held it above his head. "I said beat it!" he growled. "Leave the men to talk like grown-ups while you still got legs that work. That Barbara Gordon reference really made me hungry to paralyze someone again."

They obeyed reluctantly, leaving Joker and Two-Face alone. "Waste of good champagne," sighed Joker. "I tell ya, Harv, it makes you wanna cry."

"Think we actually need something stronger if you wanna talk about women," muttered Two-Face, standing up. "Got something in my room."

Joker followed him into his cell, where Two-Face moved a stone in the floor and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. "Double malt, I should have guessed," said Joker, smiling as he read the bottle.

"22 year old vintage," said Two-Face, nodding. "I'm nothing if not consistent."

"Don't like being predictable myself, Harv," said Joker, taking the glass he poured for him. "Makes life so boring. The fun's in the spontaneity and surprise."

"Yeah, it must be real fun for you having to deal with Harley's emotional moodswings all the time," retorted Two-Face. "That must be a barrel of laughs."

"She's always entertaining, I must admit," replied Joker. "Life's never dull with her around. Why do you think I've kept her for seven years?"

"She ain't bad-looking," retorted Two-Face, shrugging. "Got a nice ass. And a nice pair of tits."

"Trust you to notice the pairs, Harv," replied Joker, grinning. "But I ain't a superficial guy. There are things that matter more to me than looks."

"Such as?" asked Two-Face, sipping his drink.

"Good sense of humor," replied Joker. "That's the most important thing. And a penchant for pain. Harley really enjoys her beatings, the harder the better," he murmured, grinning as he sipped his drink.

"Pammie said the two of you were really sick," muttered Two-Face.

"Pammie ain't one to talk," retorted Joker. "You know what she gets up to with those plants, right?"

"I don't like to think about it," he growled.

"That's right, I forgot you two used to date," said Joker, grinning. "That must be hard, Harv, knowing you drove the ex to vegetables."

"Serves her right," growled Two-Face. "Bitch tried to kill me."

"Yeah, Harley's done that a couple times," said Joker, nodding. He took another drink. "Kinda hot when they try to kill you, isn't it?" he murmured, grinning.

Two-Face stared at him, then looked down into his drink, swirling it. "Yeah," he muttered. "Yeah, it kinda is."

Joker chuckled. "I'm afraid I may have misjudged you, Harvey. You and me are the same type of men. Oh, there are differences to be sure - you're a half-deformed freak with an obsessive-compulsive disorder, and I'm the greatest criminal mastermind this city has ever seen, but we both get a thrill out of the fight. And sometimes, much as we don't like to admit it, we get a thrill out of losing the fight. Out of being beaten, in both the figurative and the literal sense. Maybe that's why we fight Batsy – because we know we're going to lose. And maybe sometimes that's just what we want."

"You're crazy, J, you know that?" retorted Two-Face, downing his drink.

Joker grinned. "Yeah, so I've heard. Completely out of my mind."