RESIDENT EVILNESS 4


Rated M for lotz of curse words in it. A crackfic by Cataclyptic. This story contains nothing except sheer insanity. You have been warned…


Chapter 1: The Good, The Bad, The Gorgeous and The Leon

"My name is Leon S Kennedy." said Leon S Kennedy in the most dramatic voice he could muster, "and I like to narrate my life because it's awesome. My back-story is this: I was a cop, and then things went to hell. SO NOW HERE I AM.

My mission is simple: To rescue the President's daughter form the evil Mexicans that kidnapped her."

"HEY ESTUPIDO!" yelled one of the drivers in the front seat, "No es Mexico! Es Espana sus nostrotros!"

Leon S Kennedy paused. The blonde haired American only spoke American as a language, and as consequence, had no idea what his escort just said.

"The last sighting of the President's daughter was in a rural area of Mexico. These two Spaniards who refuse to speak English are taking me there."

"Esposa, que detras de tu conmigo tercera?(Why is that guy narrating when it's so stupid?)" one of the Spaniards said to the other, causing him to laugh uncontrollably. Leon ignored him, pretending to feign ignorance by trying to ignore him.

"No puede montando ni segura montar sin al fondo con queso!(He can't understand a word we're saying! It's hilarious!)"

"Shut up, I can't understand what you're saying!" said the secret agent, feeling left out.

Suddenly, the second one clutched his stomach in pain, rambling something about enchillada's. The first man stopped the car and the second ran out and shat a boatload of diarrhea next to their car.

"…why the hell did we need that scene!?" Leon turned at the camera angrily. The second man got back on the car. The zombie who had been weatching him said "Ouurgh ourgh ourrrgh!"

Which translates from Zombie to English as: "F*** THAT! I AIN'T GIVING HIM A PLAGA!"


We interrupt this program with a friendly brainwashing infomercial from our sponsors at the Religious Cult of Religion:

"Hello, I am Osmund Saddler," said a man in a large purple cloak, "the head clergyman of The Religious Cult of Religion.

Have you lost your faith? Want to rekindle with God? The look no further than our central church. We will help you regain your spirit and save your soul by shoving a two foot long parasite up your anus to take control of your body.

Some may think I'm crazy for shoving parasites up people's asses to reconcile with the lord but let's face facts here: it makes more sense than Scientology.

Anyway, come to our fine institution and truly discover the exhilarating experience of divine love. By shoving parasites up your ass. Thank you for your time."


During the commercial break, Leon had conveniently arrived at the house where the presidents daughter was last seen.

"Alright, you two stay with me." he said to the men behind him, "Something fishy is going on, and I don't the body count to-"

The guards and their truck were in the distance, running away from Leon.

"SONOFA-" Leon stamped his foot, "WELL FINE! YOU'LL PROBABLY DIE ANYWAY YOU STUPID MEXICANS!"

Leon was so mad that he actually forgot what he was sent here to do. "Sh*t!" he cursed. Then, he saw a house. Deciding he was hungry, Leon busted down the door yelling for food.

"Que pasa!?(What the?)" yelled a surprised farmer at Leon's intrusive entrance "QUE MIEDO! UNA ROBERANDO! (OH SH*T! A ROBBER!)"

"I forgot what I was here to do! Please give me food!" said Leon S Kennedy, making the universal hand sign of shrimp with caviar to signal he wanted a cheeseburger.

"NO PUEDE ME ENTIENDO QUE DE TRATAS SENIOR ROBERANDO!(I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE SAYING MR. ROBBER!)" yelled the farmer back at him. Suddenly, he noticed his axe was in reaching distance. He grabbed it and flew at Kennedy.

"DE MI FAMILIA!(FOR THE SAFTY OF MY FAMILY!)"

Leon shot him with his gun. He was killed dead in shot.

"Word of advice…" Leon pulled up a pair of shades, "Don't bring an ax to a gunfight."

However, the sound of Leon shooting Farmer Jenkins alerted his neighbors. Looking through the window and seeing the atrocity the robber had committed, they raised arms and tried to fight off the man using shovels, forks and spoons.

Leon shot them all.

"Word of advice…" Leon pulled up a pair of shades, "Don't bring shovels and kitchen utensils to a gunfight."

Luckily, killing people jogged Leon's memory: he remembered he had to find the President's daughter, and that her name was Ashley Graham.

"Aha!" Leon smiled triumphantly, "Thank you for helping me remember my mission, amigos!"

The dead people stared blankly at him. Leon ran away to find a village. And in no time at all, he found one. But these villagers were different: they had reddish orange eyes. And pale skin. Which could only mean one thing in a Resident Evil story…

"The entire village got high!" Leon gasped at their abuse of drugs. Peering closer with his binoculars, Leon saw two men tied to a pole being burned to death until they died. Their limbs were being eaten by some children.

"The entire village got so high they burned two men and turned cannibalistic!" Leon gasped at their abuse of drugs. Looking closer, he realized it was the two men who escorted him here in the first place.

"HAH! SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU ASSHOLES!" Leon laughed.

The entire zombie village noticed him.

"Graaahhh!" they yelled, running at him.

"SH*T!" Leon ran away as fast as he could. He killed a couple to make a path to a house, where he barricaded the door.

"Alright Leon, calm down…" the ex-cop said to himself, "Surrounded by zombies… no big deal right? It's not like it can get any worse."

And then a giant zombie with a chainsaw appeared.

"F*** YOU IRNOY!" Leon shouted. Having no other choice, Leon reached into his back pocket and pulled out a rocket launcher. He got on top of the roof and shot half of them and the chainsaw dude in one go.

Unfortunately the resulting rocket impact caused the house to collapse, leaving Leon stranded on the very top of the house. A million zombies lay at the ground, and Leon was all out of rocket launchers, bullets and gum.

Watching all of this was a strange woman with woman parts and a red dress to show off her woman parts. This was Ada Wong, who had also been sent here on a mission. Her secret spy phone which she stowed in her boobs rang. Reaching into her cleavage she opened it.

"Hello Ada. I am Albert Wesker." said a badass blonde haired man with shades.

"…yes, I know." Ada was confused.

"I am your boss." said Wesker.

"…I know?"

"Ada, your mission is to eliminate the most handsome people in this story so that I, Albert Wesker, will be the most beautiful by default." said the man,

"The targets you must eliminate are: The village chief, Luis, and Leon. Oh, and blow up Saddlers' base while your at it. The prick forgot my to feed my pet goldfish."

"Why are you telling me all these things I already know?" asked the woman in red.

"IT'S CALLED EXPOSITION YOU DUMBASS." Wesker snarled. Ada rolled her eyes, not having a clue what Wesker was talking about. She looked back at Leon, who was still gripping the one pole standing with all his might. He could fall into the pool of ravenous zombies at any minute, and Ada would never see his ass again.

His toned, firm ass…

"Ada, stop fantasizing about Leon's hot ass and go eliminate your targets!" Wesker commanded.

"I was NOT fantasying about how great it looked!" Ada huffed, "Anyway Wesker, I'd love to but uh… gotta do something else first!"

"Oh, okay." Wesker noted, "Wait, if you even THINK about saving Leon-"

Ada closed her phone and put it back into her breasts. Neither Leon nor the zombies had noticed her, which meant it was time to save Leon!

Using her awesome grapple hook thingy she flew to the top of a roof, pulled out a sniper rifle and sniped the church bell from 1000 meters away. Because Ada Wong is THAT F**KING AWESOME.

The zombies, being strict religious folk, immediately turned their heads to the church and began marching to it. Soon the village was abandoned and Leon could climb down safely.

"Holy poop." Leon was surprised, "Where's everybody going… BINGO NIGHT!?"

*Insert laugh track here*

"Heh, I'm funny…" Leon smiled, "But why did the church bell ring? And why did I think I hear the sound of a sniper rifle? And why and I getting turned on for no apparent reason?"

Somewhere, Leon thought he heard a sqee of joy.

"Hm. Truly, there are many mysteries to be solved…" Leon noted, "But for later. For now, the president's daughter. If only I had a clue as to where she was…"

Just then Leon's pants began vibrating. He pulled out his phone. "Talk to me."

"Leon, this is Agent Hunnigan, I'll be your plot device for a few days."

"Cool!" Leon grinned.

"We believe Ashley is in the church. Go find her before those religious nuts do something stupid like shove a parasite up her ass or something." said Hunnigan.

"Got it. Leon out." he walked over to the door leading to an underground road, presumably to the church. When suddenly, he remembered something.

"Ah sh*t all those zombies are attending church now!" he sighed "Crap. I'll need weapons first…"

Leon took another route, where eventually he saw another house.

"Yays! I love looting houses!" Leon sqeeed. Unfortunately some zombies got angry at a giant rock. So angry that they pushed it off the cliff, where it started to roll towards Leon.

"AAAGH!" Leon screamed, running away from a clear Indiana Jones ripoff. The boulder was too fast- Kennedy could not outrun it. Thus, he resorted to reasoning with it.

"Rock, why are you angry at me?" he asked sincerely.

"It's because of my father." the rock replied, "He never loved me like a son… only as a tool for him to make profit."

And so, Leon and the rock talked out the rocks problems. This seemed to help the boulder, for at the end he felt much better about himself and had a higher self esteem.

"Thank you Leon, you have made me realize that I don't need approval from my jerkass dad in order to be a good person." said the rock.

"No problem." Leon smiled. The two went their separate ways. "You see kids, problems don't have to be solved using violence. Just by talking it out can people truly understand each other."

Leon went into the house and stole everything in it. At the end of the house was a giant closet, big enough to house practically anything inside it. And it was shaking.

"Oh no… the boogeyman…" Leon narrowed his eyes. Back in training days, Leon knew and older guy named Krauser who used to tell him stories about the boogeyman and how he killed people in their sleep. Krauser was killed in battle, but Leon swore to this very day that it was the boogeyman that had done him in.

"You've killed far to many to go unpunished…" Leon growled. He opened the door, where a gagged man fell out. Leon moved aside his gun. "Oh wait, you're not the boogeyman…"

"The hell?" asked the black haired man. "Whatever! Untie me please!"

"Hm… how do I know you're not a zombie…?" thought Leon.

"I can speak in complete sentences." said the man drolly.

"Prove it." Leon crossed his arms. The man stared at this idiot as if he were an idiot. Which he was.

"…behold, I have rational thought and can talk normally."

"Okay, I believe you." Leon untied the man, who introduced himself as Luis.

"Thank you Leon." he said, "But we have to get out of here!"

"We do?" Leon narrowed his eyes, "Why?"

And then they heard footsteps.

"Too late…" gasped Luis, wide eyed with fear. Steeping forth from the doorway were two farmer zombies. Stepping in lastly was a gruff man with a huge beard wearing light blue garb.

"Oh my God…" said Leon, "He's… He's…

GORGEOUS!"

"Damn straight I am." said the man.

"Luis, who is this beautiful man!?"

"Our enemy…" Luis sighed, "The village chief. Why such a handsome man turned evil is beyond me, but there you have it."

"Oh no!" Leon gasped, "Well fine then. An enemy is an enemy, even if he happens to be good looking."

Leon quickly looked at his inventory: A hand gun, a shotgun, and some grenades.

"I've got it!" Leon yelled, "I'll kick him!"

Leon's kick was blocked. The village chief deflected it with ease and sent him tumbling into a bookcase and rendered him unconscious.

"YOU HAD A FREAKING SHOTGUN AND YOU THOUGHT KICKING HIM WAS YOUR BEST OPTION!?" were the last words Luis yelled before he too was knocked out.

"Take them both away." commanded chief Mendez the Handsome. His soldier obeyed without question, carrying their unconscious bodies somewhere else.

Meanwhile watching all of this was none other than Ada Wong. Through her binoculars, she saw Leon's hot ass and some other guy's not-as-hot-as-Leon's-ass also being dragged somewhere.

"That doesn't look good…" remarked Ada "But I think Leon can handle it this time. After all, what's the worst that could happen?"


Leon, unconscious, was strapped to a chair. Osmund Saddler stood next to him, holding a two foot long wriggling parasite in his hands.

"And now… RECEIVE THE BLESSINGS OF GAWD!"