Every night, Kim Won wept.
He wept for how things had turned out. He wept for his heart. He wept for his destroyed opportunity at having true happiness. Most of all, he wept for Hyun Joo. Grief shook him, a strange clamping around his heart which made his entire body rack with uncontrollable sobs. Though he was at the top, and had managed to wear and endure the weight of every crown… Only one was left. The same crown that was out of reach.
The crown of love.
Tonight was no different.
In the study he sat, the same place where his father made burdening decisions that ruined aspects of Won's life in some way or the other. It was strange to sit in a place he resented so deeply. But… By now he had become accustomed to it. He might have finally achieved what he'd so desperately yearned for all his life, but with it came a price. The price was his own happiness. And he paid it every night.
On the outside, Won seemed cool and composed. His face rarely betrayed emotions since he held them so well together, but every night a tormented expression wound his features – and this was the true Kim Won, first son and heir to Jeguk Group. This was Won in all his aching glory. This was Won who had abandoned love for power.
At the other side of the doors, he could hear Tan standing; could feel him pressing his ear to the door. The concern his younger brother felt for him touched him in a way he couldn't put in words. He tried to contain his tears, then, but the sadness only multiplied. Before he knew it, he was weeping again. Yet as always, the shame of being weak was stronger than his pain, and so after some time, he managed to pull himself together and put on a straight face. Masking his emotions was something he'd been doing since he was young – why would it be any different now?
It wouldn't.
It couldn't.
Won resumed his work, still aware of Tan's presence. Perhaps an hour passed before Tan reluctantly went away.
And then he was back.
Banging his fist on the doors, Tan pushed his way in. Won discreetly wiped under his eyes to rid his face of any giveaway tears, but they'd dried long ago. He cleared his throat, looking up at Tan who held his phone in front of his face, an unsaved number flashing up on the screen.
Won stared. "Yes?"
"It's for you, Hyung!"
He put his pen down, furrowing his brows. Who would call so late at night? Glancing at the clock, he realised it was already half past one in the morning. Won took the chance to glare at Tan who immediately cowered. "Don't you have school tomorrow?"
"Don't you have work tomorrow?" Tan snapped back. Won's brows raised in surprise. "Anyway, Hyung – answer!"
Won took the phone from Tan's grip, holding it to his ear. As soon as Tan was sure Won would take the call, he left the study to give his brother some privacy.
"Hello?"
On the other end, there was soft breathing… But almost anxious. Won stood up, leaning against the large desk, frowning. He repeated his greeting twice, before finally:
"Oppa."
Hyun Joo.
Won almost staggered – he had to grip onto the desk's edge tightly to maintain his balance. He hadn't heard from Hyun Joo in… What had it been now? Four months? Five? Six? The days all seemed to fold into one another, an endless knocking and thumping of dominoes. Time had little meaning to him anymore. He stared at the ring on his finger in disgust. But here Hyun Joo was, on the other end, waiting for him to reply.
"Hyun Joo," he said softly. "Why are you…?"
"I'm sorry, Oppa. It wasn't me that called – Tan did. Said that I had to speak to you, that it was urgent. I'll hang up now. Sorry," she said in that lovely, gentle voice of hers. Won's heart felt heavy inside him as he immediately stopped her from ending their call.
"No!" and then a little more softly, "…No. Don't go. Don't go yet."
Silence. "Are you okay?"
"I'm…" What was he? Was there any word to describe what he felt? Did he even know what he felt? "… Fine," he finished.
Hyun Joo sighed on the other end. He could imagine her tired, cute little face pouting up at him as she said, "Oppa, you're lying."
"Maybe I am. Aren't you supposed to be sleeping?" Won asked, a little sternly. God, how he wanted to gather her in his arms.
"Mm. But Tan called incessantly."
"How did he even get your number?"
"He said he'd got it from someone, but wouldn't name anyone."
Won made a mental note to scold his brother later. But first, he had to tell the woman that ruled his heart something. He just didn't know how. "Hyun Joo…"
"Yes?"
"I'm sorry I haven't checked up on you. I know that we… Ended things, but I have thought about you. Every night."
Hyun Joo's breath hitched. "Oppa, you're engaged." Again he looked at his ring in disgust. "You have no reason to 'check up' on me. I only wish you well. I hope you're truly okay sometime soon if you're not now. Besides, didn't I tell you? I'd be supporting you from the shadows as you reached the top."
Won sat down. "Why would I want you to be in the shadows, Hyun Joo? Why?"
"I—I don't know."
Won massaged his forehead, expression tight and unpleasant. Here, again, half a year later he was torn in the middle of duty and love. He'd had a public engagement; a grand one at that, bringing Jeguk Group even more success as new and potential partners began to seek business with them. He was doing everything his father wanted him to. And yet…
"Hyun Joo," he said her name softly, "I'm going to let you go now." Double meaning, as always. Hyun Joo knew this, Won knew this. They both knew, but never said anything more.
"Yeah, okay. Goodnight."
But still, he wasn't done. He was never done with her. He didn't even mean to say, "I will send someone to collect you after work tomorrow. I will see you then," – but he did. Won bit his lip immediately as the words came out.
He hadn't even expected Hyun Joo to say, "…Okay, Oppa," and end the call – but she did, too.
And then he sat there in his study, for once not hurting. For once able to breathe.
He was going to see Hyun Joo again.
A secret it would have to be, but it had always been like that.
Won took no notice of the time again as he made plans on how to see her and where to take her the following day, just as he took no notice of Tan who strolled in leisurely, smiling.
"Hyung, I need my phone back."
Won stood up, holding it out to his brother.
Then he whacked Tan across the head. "Idiot. Go to sleep."
Tan looked at Won, reaching out to put a hand on his shoulder. "You go to sleep too, Hyung."
Won didn't say anything, only nodded, as they exited the study.
As he shut the doors behind him, Won sighed.
"Sooo. Are you going to see her? My teacher?"
Tan received another whack. "Quiet. Go to sleep." Jogging up the stairs, Won glanced up to see Tan make a 'zip' motion across his lips as he offered a charming smile to his brother.
"Idiot," Won breathed.
A small, almost undetectable smile graced his lips soon after.
