Just a little extra that came to mind after 5x07, in relation to how Holly may be feeling.
Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue, etc etc.
Free falling.
It was the only way she could describe the feeling that coursed through her core as she walked away. Though right this second it felt a lot more like the inevitable impact that one should expect without suitable equipment rather that the giddy delight of descending at a rate that felt like she was going through the motions, never quite setting her sights on land.
No, those days were gone because Gail had decided to come back.
Blinking back the tears, Holly can't help but recount no matter how messed up the images are, the moment that she felt herself fall to the ground. Watching as Gail unwound before her very eyes; unfolding, spiraling, letting herself be known to another human being. And perhaps for the very first time voicing these intricate thoughts and sharing these reflections not only to Holly, but to herself.
This insight was not lost on her.
It was this wonderful, devastatingly tender moment that was so sincere that Holly couldn't suppress the smile from gracing her lips – conceived out of triumph felt for Gail, as she finally, just finally caved to her own introspection and admitted to how she truly felt.
She could finally breathe through this honesty that was being surrendered.
It was a direct transmission that was waiting to be answered, a conversation Holly had been desperate to create for weeks, yet for the life of her could not seem to engage now. As astonishing as it was to be rendered speechless by this turn of events, the line of communication was severed the moment Holly began to tumble down, plummeting toward a sure zone that would exact pain on her person.
The fear was back.
And so the connection was gone when Holly blinked and once again felt the enormous mass heaved across her chest - a weight that Gail placed there in the first place - and so she did what her marrow told her to.
She fled.
It was like the air had been sucked from the building, and all she could feel was this pressure that would not ease up, no matter the earnest words Gail tendered – it just wasn't enough. Not now. Not here. Yet she could not deny the fact that it stirred something within her.
And it bothered her.
She had been stoic all day, professional. She had even practiced how it would be, when the inevitable moment would come where she would have to be in contact with Gail – but this was not expected.
Though if Holly was being entirely honest, she didn't exactly expect to head toward Division 15, evidence in hand as an excuse to see Gail after she relayed to her about seeing someone else.
It just sort of happened.
She had been brave enough to execute her plans. She played by the book, she preserved her dignity. She had grieved in her own way to make it out onto the other side.
But this, this was like she couldn't breathe. How could it be that before all of this, the one person who could make her feel like she could was now the only one who stole her breath away?
This ache lodged in her heart throbbed, yearning to be around Gail, and yet striving to run away at the same time. It was confusing, disorientating and damn right intoxicating.
She makes her way out of the building, grateful to the faces that saw but never stopped to question, for she wouldn't have known what to say at all. The words in her head jumbled, they always did when Gail was around. They always did when Gail made her happy. Nowadays she's not happy, not even close.
And now Holly can breathe again, in the open, with her eyes glazed over as she watches the world carry on their daily routine.
She can finally breathe again, but at what expense?
