Lacrimosa

Author's Note: This is the first Transformers fic I've done in a while and it is based slightly on a dream I had. I felt that I had to write it, just to get it off my chest. LOL. Partially inspired by the song by Evanescence of the same name as well as the song "Missing". It takes place after Nevermore. It plays on my delights with metaphorical imagery. You'll see what I mean as you read it.

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

- Albert Einstein

"What we call our despair is often only the painful eagerness of unfed hope."

- GEORGE ELIOT, Middlemarc

By: VampireQueenAkasha

~O~

New Lucifer

Jhiaxus raced through the fields, carrying three younglings on his back. They laughed and threw their arms in the air, cheering the entire time. Jhiaxus made his way back to the town and leaned down, allowing the younglings to slide right off.

Once they had, he transformed back and stretched.

"I think I get my share of exercise everyday just from running around with you young bots alone," he said, laughing with amusement.

"Just one more time?" one of them pleaded.

Jhiaxus shook his head with a laugh and scooped him up. "Now now, little one," he said, "I have work I need to do. Time for you to do the same."

"Aww." The younglings groaned together.

Jhiaxus smirked down at them. "All things must work," he reminded the children, "Your job here is to learn all that you can so that you can better yourselves."

"Maybe we can be as smart as you someday!" the youngling at his side suggested.

Jhiaxus chuckled warmly and reached down to pet his helm. "Perhaps smarter."

Red Alert had been wandering down the streets when she saw him interact with the younglings. A small smile lit her lips and she approached, just as he ushered them away.

"You sure are good with kids." she said.

He smiled. "Primus knows I would have loved some of my own." He arched his optic ridges at her. "Which reminds me; how long are you planning on keeping it a secret from Shockwave?"

Red Alert felt her faceplates heating. "I'm simply waiting for the best time."

"I see." Jhiaxus laughed a little. "He will understand eventually when you begin to output, I believe. That, and your bonding to him will also have him realize the truth once the sparkling's emotions carry to him."

She made a face. "Good point."

"There's nothing to fear," Jhiaxus told her. "Shockwave will no doubt be pleased to hear that you are carrying his sparkling."

"Yes, you're right." Red Alert said, smiling. "But just to be sure, I'll have Torn mix up Shockwave's favorites before I do."

Jhiaxus laughed and shook his head, watching as she walked away. His smile disappeared when he notice her approach Shockwave in the distance, embrace him before they walked away, hand-in-hand. Sighing, he turned and walked away, letting the sight be another pleasant reminder of what he had lost.

[Jealous of what they have, are we?]

No. I am happy for them. Happy that my student can experience the love that he so desperately needed. It is the right thing to feel.

(A Decepticon should not be happy.)

I am no longer such.

[You cannot deny what your spark feels, Jhiaxus.]

What does it feel?

[Suffering.]

Jhiaxus pushed those thoughts aside and walked to his laboratory, where Starscream was busy with his helm buried in several beakers of fluid.

"Jhiaxus!" he said, standing, "I question the idea of using yourself as a test subject for this formula. I don't know if there will be side effects."

Jhiaxus arched an optic ridge. "I have used myself as a test subject many times, Starscream," he reminded him, "The worst I've ever had was embarrassing backfiring for two weeks."

Starscream made a face. "Yes...uh...we've tried to put that behind us."

"It was exactly that which was the problem." Jhiaxus mildly joked, though his optics seemed distracted. "This formula should help quiet the unwanted thoughts in my central processor."

Starscream watched him warily as Jhiaxus brought one of the beakers to his lips. Before the older bot could drink, Starscream held out two hands.

"Wait!" he warned, "Shouldn't you...eh...be worried?"

Jhiaxus glanced at him before smiling gently. "There isn't much for me to be worried about these days," he told him. "It's all in the name of science. Bots plagued with the loss of sparkmates may choose themselves whether or not they want the reminder."

Starscream still seemed uncertain.

"Well, here we go, then..." Jhiaxus downed the entire contents of the beaker in one single gulp.

The other bot watched warily. "Well?"

Jhiaxus smacked his lips before grimacing. "Oh...that is awful..."

"Do you feel anything?"

Jhiaxus blinked rapidly. "A little dizzy, but that's probably a side-effect from the - " He swayed a little and leaned on the counter.

Starscream looked at him worriedly. "Are you sure you're all right?"

Jhiaxus swayed and collapsed to the floor, taking several beakers with him. Starscream rushed to his side and leaned down to the immobile bot.

"Jhiaxus?" he said. "Jhiaxus...?"

Starscream leaned down, tilting his audio to see if he could hear for a spark pulse. His optics widened and he scowled down at him.

"I warned you not to drink that!" Then, he cringed, as if awaiting to be struck suddenly, but it never came, of course. Old habits died hard.

Starscream let out a sigh. "I've got to stop talking to myself..."

O

Red Alert scanned Jhiaxus as they brought him to the medical hall. She pulled back his optic lids once before turning to the others who watched her the entire time.

"He's not responding to any stimuli," she said, "But his spark is still active. So he's alive."

Shockwave stared down at his old mentor. "Why does he remain in such a state?"

Red Alert turned to Starscream. "Do you still have that formula he was testing?"

"Yes?" Starscream frowned at her.

"Let me see it."

Starscream let out a long-suffering grumble before retrieving the tablet containing the formula. He offered it to Red Alert, who's optics roved over the details. Then, she looked shocked and stared up at the flier with absolute disbelief.

"He actually consumed these?" she exclaimed. "It's pure poison to the central processor!"

Starscream scowled at her. "I didn't think to ask! I assumed he knew what he was doing!"

Red Alert was quiet for a long time. She stood there, pondering this. Her silence troubled the others and Hot Shot readily voiced this.

"Red? What's wrong?" he asked.

She looked at Shockwave. "I might be able to pull him from his coma, but you have to initiate a patch."

If Shockwave was capable of looking surprised, he would have. "What?"

"If Jhiaxus' mind is damaged in any way, I will know the signs and have the means of fixing him," she said, "I wish we had another way, but we don't."

Hot Shot shook his head. "No! No way in Primus' name is that a good idea!"

"For once, I am inclined to agree with him," Shockwave told her. "I am aware of the idiosyncrasies of initiating a psychic patch and - "

"Do you want me to save him or not?"

Shockwave let out a small sound through his intakes. "If your judgment says to do this, I suppose I must trust it." he said. "Though I will take all precautions necessary while your mind is linked with his."

Meanwhile, deep in the recesses of Jhiaxus' mind, he wandered down a dark, ensnared forest until he came to a clearing, listening to the soft weeping sounds of what resembled a newborn sparkling.

He approached the sound and knelt down, noticing a small, sickly shape laying in a bed of dead grass. His optics widened and he bent down, scooping the tiny thing up in his shaking hands.

"This...is my son?" he whispered, horrified.

The sparkling in his hands crumbled into dust and drifted away into the wind.

[I thought you always wanted children of your own...]

O

The connections were set up.

Shockwave watched Red Alert as she leaned back onto a table beside Jhiaxus as he set up the wires necessary to initiate a patch. He doubted the reasoning behind her actions, but supported them nonetheless. After all, she knew what she was doing.

Red Alert could feel his doubt through their link. "Shockwave, I'm going to be fine."

"I understand you are." he said, mildly annoyed by Starscream's rolling of his optics. "It is merely a doubt that I have for all things who attempt a patch."

Red Alert chuckled and glanced upwards. "Of course."

Shockwave loomed over her. "To ensure a proper link, you will need to be put into induced stasis."

"Shockwave..." she said, gently. "I understand. Do it."

After a moment of hesitation, Shockwave placed her into stasis and her optics immediately closed. Then, they turned to a monitor on the wall.

"We can watch and offer guidance for her," Shockwave said, "That is all."

Starscream sighed. "I hope she knows what she's doing."

"I never know what she's doing sometimes." Hot Shot remarked, though he seemed uncertain all the same. "But that's Red for you. Autobot or no, she's always willing to go the extra mile for a friend."

O

Red Alert was standing in a graveyard.

She blinked once, looking around at the crumbling stones, ensnared towers and trees. They looked nothing like the things from Cybertron, though Jhiaxus had been to many places in the universe. Maybe his mind was inspired by such things?

There were whispers around her; ethereal sounds that seemed so far away. They must have been memory fragments that simply drifted about though his head.

Then, another sound filled the air; Red Alert turned and noticed a hulking shape dragging itself from the shadows. Her optics widened.

It was carrying fragments of items and broken objects along its cloaked body which was hunched, as if it had carried the weight of the universe on its shoulders. It had spiked protrusions coming out of its body - they looked like horrible mutations - and rust covering it as well it small patches.

Red Alert moved aside as the shape made its way toward a wall. It weakly raised one clawed hand and began scratching a long, single line.

"It is merely personality data, Red Alert," Shockwave's voice filled her head. "It cannot harm or see you."

"Personality data..." Red Alert studied the back of the shape with amazement.

She could see small snow globes attached to its back now - leaning closer, she could also notice that each one seemed to depict moment's in Jhiaxus' life. These moments seemed to be the most pivotal as she noticed one was of him making his weapons.

"Jhiaxus..." she said, realizing what she stared at.

The shape turned and she saw his face. His helm was cracked, wires draped over his haggard face. Those optics were dull and lifeless, as if they had finally lost all reason to live.

Red Alert watched as the personality data shuffled away lifelessly before she looked up at the wall. She saw many lines had been carved into it - tally marks that seemed to stretch further beyond what her optics could see. He must have been keeping track of his days in his head to the point that it became obsession.

"Primus..." she whispered.

She moved forward and pondered what she had seen. It made her concerned by what else she would find on her way to fix Jhiaxus.

The floor beneath her feet cracked and she stumbled forward, letting out a cry and staggering back before she could fall into pitch blackness.

"What in the slag?" she cried.

"Red Alert. His mind is a crumbling void." Shockwave warned, "You must use caution."

Red Alert frowned, staring into the void. She could make out the sight of another plot of land drifting by and jumped over to it. Tucking and rolling, she landed hard and winced.

"You know, for just being in the mind, it still doesn't hurt any less." she muttered.

Starscream rolled his optics. "She has quite the wit, doesn't she?" he muttered. He gave Shockwave a look. "You certainly know how to pick them, don't you?"

Hot Shot glared at him. "Hey, giving Cyclops grief is my thing."

Red Alert made her way further down a narrow pathway of stone before she came toward a metal gate. She reached one hand out and pushed it open. It creaked horribly, making her wince.

"Jhiaxus?" she called.

She found herself inside a decaying hallway filled with various doors, some of which had been bolted shut. Red Alert wasn't sure where she was, but it held more complicated trips than she expected.

"Jhiaxus!" she yelled.

A door creaked open ahead of her and she could hear laughter coming from the other side. Frowning curiously, Red Alert approached the door and pushed it open further, allowing her to walk though it.

She found herself in a bright, colorful world - completely opposite of what Jhiaxus' mind seemed to be - and noticed trees, a wide, open field and beautiful twin suns in the sky.

Red Alert could hear movement and looked to the left, spotting a blue femme running through the fields, laughing happily. No sooner had she appeared, Jhiaxus soon followed, moving into her so that they both fell into the grass, laughing together.

Red Alert smiled. "I'm in his memories..." she mused aloud.

This must have been Eros. Red Alert couldn't deny that she was beautiful. And the way Jhiaxus looked at her... Red Alert had seen him happy before, but his optics were always sad, never matching those smiles of today. But the look he gave Eros was nothing short of what pure love could be.

"I love you more than life itself..." he sighed, gently caressing Eros' cheeks with his long, dangerous claws.

Eros smiled up at him. "And I love you all the same."

Those watching this on the screen didn't react to what they were seeing. Starscream had been oddly silent and Hot Shot was also quiet. Shockwave only...watched. His old mentor had expressed more strength than he ever felt himself capable of, but there was also love.

Hm.

Red Alert watched the scene change and the ground was replaced by the cold metal of industry. Red Alert looked up and she was now standing among a crowd of Autobots, brutally chanting for retribution. She felt herself pass through them as she tried to see what was happening.

"You have betrayed your own kind!" A powerful, cold voice suddenly boomed, stopping her at a clearing. She was horrified to see Eros now standing in custody. "And you've commingled your Energon with his, resulting in...unholy results. Your past glory as an Autobot warrior does not excuse your present sins! And you refuse to recant for her crimes! What say you, my Autobot brethren?"

"GUILTY!" Came the chanting. "GUILTY!"

Oh. Pontus was here.

Oh no.

No.

Red Alert's features twisted in anguish. Of all memories she did not want to see, she felt herself frozen there nonetheless. "No...not this..." she whispered. "Please no..."

Red Alert didn't want to see any more, but the sound of Jhiaxus' voice made her stop from leaving. She noticed the bot making his way through the crowds. He seemed exhausted, as if he had run thousands of miles to reach her. Red Alert had no doubt he would have continued until his feet bled. Perhaps further.

Red Alert watched as Pontus commanded Jhiaxus to stop, even pointing his weapon at Eros' head. She wanted to scream at them to stop, but knew it was useless. It was a memory. It would change nothing.

"We've done everything we could to capture you," Pontus sneered, "Used up a lot of resources and all it takes to bring you to us is one young, foolish femme?"

Jhiaxus snarled, showing his fangs. "Let her go!" he roared.

"No, I don't think so." Pontus said, "She's made her decision and the people have decided her fate. Ultra Magnus is the one to do the honor."

Red Alert shook her head in disbelief. She felt her optics misting. "You piece of slag..." she hissed, glaring at Pontus tearfully.

Eros smiled weakly at Jhiaxus. "My love, forgive me." she mumbled. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for his to happen."

"Aww, how sweet." Pontus sneered.

"Pontus, enough of this!" Alpha Trion commanded, stepping forward. "There has been no treachery here! All I see before me is fear and mindless contradiction! Eros and Jhiaxus have done NOTHING to harm any of us! There is no evidence that suggests she will turn against the Autobot cause!"

There were sneers and rejections in the form of shouts from the crowd, but directed to him this time. Red Alert could see the helplessness in Alpha Trion's optics. Though he spoke to address the better good, it seemed as though he could do no more.

"You will NOT harm her!" Jhiaxus raised his sword in Pontus' direction. "If it is me you want so badly, come here and get me."

There was fury and hate in his optics, but Red Alert could see the fear there too. On the screen, the others watching had grown deathly silent.

On screen, Pontus chuckled. "That will come later." He looked at Ultra Magnus. "Magnus? If you will?"

"No!" Jhiaxus suddenly changed his malevolent tone entirely. "Please...don't - don't hurt her."

Red Alert watched in shock as he raised his swords and placed them on the ground. He kicked them aside with his foot and even held out two hands, to show that he was truly serious. Eros watched this with anguish and even Pontus looked mildly surprised by the action.

"It's me you want, isn't it? Yes. I'll gladly go." Jhiaxus said, evenly, though his vocals slightly trembled. He smiled with pain and reached out. "There's no need to let her suffer. Please. Don't hurt her."

A hush had fallen over the crowds and even the council members.

Ultra Magnus' features twisted in pain. He took the base of Eros' neck and the femme smiled sorrowfully at Jhiaxus.

"Jhiaxus...this is not your fault..." she said softly.

"NO!" Jhiaxus screamed, surging forward.

Ultra Magnus pulled the trigger. The sound echoed all around Red Alert and she held her hands to her audios, trying to block out the horrible noise as it became a terrible whirring sound of death.

She was transported throughout halls of broken fragments. She saw Jhiaxus in each one, trying to ease his agony by bringing violence upon those who had done him harm. Those he felt were responsible for his suffering. As a Decepticon, one taught in the ways of pain and torment, he knew no other answer. He had no other example as he had grown.

She could see him in brutal combat with a council member. One Red Alert couldn't recognize.

"Come on!" the council bot hissed, grappling with him. "Let's go! Show me what you got!"

Jhiaxus snarled and simply sank his fangs deep into the bot's neck, tearing a horrible chunk of protoflesh with him in a spray of Energon. The council bot staggered back, optics wide and unseeing. He grabbed at his gushing throat and tried to stop the flow.

Jhiaxus' optics were cold and murderous, reflecting a violence that terrified her. When the bot pleaded for mercy through choking intakes, Jhiaxus took his sword and stabbed him in the abdomen. His mouth was soaked with gore and he continued stabbing the bot over and over again to the point that she had to look away.

Dear Primus...this is what he has to live with his entire life...

He was fighting the urge for death his whole life and slowly...piece by piece...

...he was losing.

O

She found him.

He was sitting on his knees in the clearing of a dead forest. She wasn't sure if this Jhiaxus was real, but many other versions of him were pacing nearby. One seemed conflicted, chewing on his claws. Another was small, perhaps a younger, child-like version of himself.

Another was the same version she had seen before, simply standing there silently.

"Why are we still here?" the Jhiaxus in tatters whispered- it must have been his doubt. "What's the point? We're dying slowly. Let's just let it all go."

Another version stepped up behind Red Alert and shook his head. He seemed to be...cleaner than the others and yet, so gaunt and sickly.

"It's what she wanted for him." he pointed out.

Shockwave's voice filled Red Alert's head. "Jhiaxus' personality data seems to have become more unstable. He appears to struggle to keep them under control."

"But we have so many friends who like us!" the child-like Jhiaxus pointed out.

"No. Not friends..." the doubtful Jhiaxus said, glancing around warily. "They hate us. Don't you see it? Are you so stupid?"

"Death would be better for him." another Jhiaxus stepped out from the shadows. He seemed...stronger when he spoke in comparison to the others.

Red Alert shook her head. "No. That's wrong."

Jhiaxus lifted his head and looked back at her. He seemed surprised. "Red Alert?"

"Jhiaxus, you aren't better of dead." she told him. "Don't listen to them!"

The doubtful Jhiaxus chewing his claws suddenly laughed, gesturing to Red Alert. "That's hilarious! Wait, are you sure you're a real doctor?" he sneered.

Red Alert was shocked that the personality data saw her. Shockwave responded to explain.

"They see you now because he's aware of you." he explained. "But they still cannot harm you."

Red Alert noticed more Jhiaxus' watching her now and she felt uncomfortable, but continued on, speaking as steadily as she could.

"Jhiaxus. I know the pain you must be going through," she whispered.

Another version sneered coldly. It must have been bitterness. It pointed a claw at her. "You DON'T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!"

Hot Shot looked up at Shockwave with a worried frown. "This is getting intense."

"Jhiaxus..." the version of him who had spoken so calmly addressed him. "Just let it all go and put yourself to rest. Be done. You've earned it."

Red Alert shook her head desperately. "Don't listen." she pleaded.

"I am a part of Jhiaxus' innermost thoughts," the personality data said. "He sees me as a tempting voice to take his own life, but I am acceptance." He looked down at Jhiaxus. "Jhiaxus, you've helped. Fate gave you one slag of a cruel twist, but you've made it into something more. You've created a sanctuary for the lost and wretched souls of war. You've brought Eros' dream to reality."

Red Alert smiled tearfully. "Yes, it's true. You've done more for us than we deserve. But would she have wanted you to take your own life?"

"I did not plan to do so." Jhiaxus said, quietly.

"He's denying the inevitable truth that spark-grieving bots are torn to pieces unless they find another to heal them." Acceptance Jhiaxus replied, calmly. "But he remains loyal to Eros. Most of those alive never experience that sort of love and devotion."

"I have." Red Alert said, glaring at the personality data. "I know that feeling too."

Shockwave lifted his head slightly.

"I never thought I would live to say that my spark could belong to Shockwave," Red Alert continued, her vocals shaking a little. "But because of Jhiaxus, my optics saw the beauty in him, a bot who had spent his entire life in shame because of what my people had done. I no longer look at the things he's done in the past because right now, I love him. I love him until my dying breath."

Starscream made a face at that. "Such drama..." he muttered.

"Hey. Shut up." Hot Shot snapped, glaring back at him.

"Jhiaxus, you have the choice." Red Alert finally said, "We can't make you live if it's become so unbearable for you. You can choose now what you want. I can't fix you. That's something you have to do for yourself."

Jhiaxus pondered this for a while before Red Alert lifted her head. "Shockwave. I'm ready to wake up now."

O

Slowly, Jhiaxus' optics opened.

Before Red Alert knew it, he turned to her and smiled.

"It's a girl."

She frowned, confused and looked at the others before returning her gaze to him. "I'm sorry?"

"Your sparkling will be a girl."

Shockwave looked to Red Alert and she smiled sheepishly. "I was planning on telling you." she said. "I just wanted the perfect moment."

"You've certainly found it..." Shockwave murmured.

Starscream exhaled. "Well, this has been an interesting experience."

Jhiaxus nodded his head. "Agreed, young bot." he said. "Perhaps I should have looked over those formula details a little more precisely."

Red Alert looked at him. "So you weren't trying to kill yourself."

"What? No, of course not." Jhiaxus argued, frowning.

Red Alert didn't seem convinced and looked at the others. "Can you leave me alone with him for a moment?" she asked. "I need to have a word with him."

They departed, but Shockwave still lingered.

"We will discuss the fruits of our labor later." he told her.

She smiled warmly. "I look forward to it."

Once he was gone, Jhiaxus straightened, looking at Red Alert. He knew she had questions about what she had seen, and no doubt suspected.

"Answer me truthfully," she said, "Were you trying to kill yourself?"

He shook his head. "No." Then, his optic brows arched and he smiled a little. "Do you think I would take my own life at the fault of a simple, failed formula?"

"No, but after what I saw - "

"Red Alert," Jhiaxus began gently. "That is something I must deal with every day. Some days are easier to deal with than others, but I live because it is what Eros would have wanted for me. But I don't want the burdens of an old bot to become yours. Today is a day for you and Shockwave to celebrate the soon birth of your child."

Red Alert sighed heavily.

It was silent before Jhiaxus heard the faint telltale of tears coming from the other femme. He looked up, surprised to see that she was indeed weeping.

"Red Alert?" he exclaimed, low with shock. "Why are you crying?"

"Because that wasn't fair what they did to you two!" Red Alert didn't care how silly she looked. "I'm sad because I served them! I took an oath to uphold their ideals and wishes and if I had known - "

"No." Jhiaxus stood up and put a hand on her shoulder. "Don't even change your ideals for someone else. You stay true to yourself."

"But that was wrong." Red Alert shook her head tearfully. "I wish I could have done something. If I had been there, I would have stopped them! it wasn't right what they did. Taking an innocent femme's life for what? I stood for that cause, so what does that make me?"

Jhiaxus hushed her gently. "Red Alert, you are speaking in despair. The patch allowed you to feel the emotions I felt. It is an unfortunate effect of prolonged connection. It will pass."

"But - "

He smiled at her now. "As I said, some days are easier to deal with than others," he told her. "But when I look out there - " He gestured to a window that overlooked the small, makeshift civilization. " - I am full of joy. I live not only for Eros, but for them as well. For the people I can call my family."

He turned to her. "You and Shockwave both helped give me hope as well. And I must thank you for that. So please...don't pity me. And don't feel as though you are indebted to me. Be joyous and live. That is the only thing I will ever ask of you."

Red Alert wiped her optics and let out a small laugh.

"I have some explaining to do." she said.

Jhiaxus chuckled. "I look forward to it as well."

O

Later that evening, Jhiaxus noticed Red Alert and Shockwave near their home, talking together. He was holding her hands in his and staring down at her intentively the entire time.

"I did not believe it would be possible..." Shockwave murmured.

Red Alert smiled. "I told you I was happy to have your sparklings."

"Hm. This one may have your personality," he said, his usual stoic vocals becoming softer, much more reverent. "And my...well, perhaps only my intellect would suffice."

Red Alert leaned forward, and he took that invitation that she wanted to kiss him. So he leaned down and she placed a kiss against the side of his helm.

"I will love her no matter what." she told him. "With all the love I share with you."

Shockwave straightened and held out his hand. She took it and they entered their home.

"We would require a suitable name for her." Shockwave said. "Perhaps something of both of our names?"

Red Alert smiled up at him. "I would like that."

When they were gone, Jhiaxus chuckled softly to himself and walked into his own ship. He wandered to the small memorial he had made for Eros. He closed his optics with a smile.

"You would be proud, Eros..." he said, softly.

Behind him, her image appeared, placing her hands on his shoulders. She smiled happily and leaned her head against his. He knew she wasn't really there, but it didn't matter.

She was here in some form and he could live if it meant she was happy.

And the same could be said for his family.

O

Note - This little fic was bugging me. I had to write it whether or not it would continue into anything else. LOL. But it IS a one-shot.