Hello, there! My name is There'snoconsistency, and I'm here to bring you a parody of the Disney movie, Sleeping Beauty!

*DISCLAIMER: This work contains vulgar language and profanity. If you are under the age of 13, or this doesn't interest you, please click away and find something else to read. If you choose to stay, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!* This is your first and only warning.

*This is written in play/script format.

*This is part of series. The other plays in the series are of much higher quality.

*This play was not made to offend anyone. It is purely for the sake of comedy.

*This play is a parody. No copyright infringement intended.

*I was 13 when I originally wrote this, so revising it now 2 years later is a challenge. If things don't make sense, I'm very sorry. The other plays are better, but this one comes first in the series.

*This is one of the few author's notes I plan on writing, so as to keep the flow of the script moving smoothly.

*Enjoy!

Smoking Beauty - Scene 1 - The Hospital

(Stage is dark. Loud screams and groans are heard along with two male voices saying things like "Push it out" and "It's okay, honey." Screamed words are audible, like "WHYYYY!" and "GET THIS LITTLE SHIIIIT OUT OF MEEEEEEEEEEEE-" A loud, sudden, popping sound is heard, and the screaming is replaced by crying and panting. Lights go up to reveal a Queen, wearing a crown, lying in a hospital bed, a King, also wearing a crown, standing next to her, holding her hand, and a Doctor, holding a crying baby. All of these characters look like they came from the wild world of 1998.)

Doctor: We'll just give her a bath, wrap her up, and bring her back to you. (Exits)

Queen: Oh, I'm just so excited it's a girl! I've always wanted someone to bond with, you know? I mean, my sister and I never really had that.

King: You do realize that until she's 25, she's going to be unbearable, right?

Queen: 25?! Oh, I can't wait!

King: Yes, yes. Everything's fucking wonderful. But, what are we gonna name the little bastard?

Queen: I don't know, I just work here! Why don't you think of something? After all, this was your birthday gift.

King: I didn't ask for no baby. I just asked for the best sex of my life without protection.

Queen: You do know that this is what happens when you don't use condoms, right?

King: Who wears condoms anyway? We're in the NINETIES, for gods sake.

Queen: All I'm saying is that you should learn to control your tiny shlong!

King: He isn't small, he's FUN SIZED!

Queen: [Insert Sex Joke Here] Okay, this is getting off topic. Any names?

Together:

King: How about… Peanut Butter?

Queen: How about… Mother Fucker From Hell? (Doctor enters and gives the baby to Queen)

Doctor: Have you decided what to name her?

Together:

King: Mother Fucker From Hell.

Queen: Peanut Butter.

Doctor: How about… (thinks) Betsy?

Queen: Too slutty.

Doctor: Okay… Sarah?

King: (suddenly with hipster glasses:) Too mainstream.

Doctor: Alice?

Queen: Too creepy.

Doctor: (desperately:) Sheila?

King: (w/o glasses:) Too fat.

Doctor: (fusstrated:) Mary?

Queen: What, is she gonna die a fucking virgin? (#foreshadowing)

Doctor: (sarcastically:) Rainbow Sunshine?

King: So thirty years ago!

Doctor: (Facepalms. Closes eyes and points to something random in the room.) Placenta.

Queen: That actually sounds pretty good-

Doctor: (Pulls out a plastic play-do knife) I will slice the both of y'all!

King: Hey, I know of a name! … Oh, wait… it's gone…

Queen: What about Auroura?

King: Where'd you get that name?

Queen: Yesterday in the news, there was this woman named Auroura who died of a drug overdose. I don't know why, but I just started thinking about that.

King: Oh, what the hell.

Doctor: Fucking finally. (realizes he said that out loud, then gives the Queen and King a clipboard.) I need you to sign these papers for me, please. Let me know if there's anything else I can do for you. (turns to leave)

Queen: Actually, can you get us a co-

Doctor: (whips around) Haven't you ever heard of an empty gesture? I mean, come on, people. Unbelievable. (exits)