A/N: I did not write this god awful story (thank goodness). I've always wanted to do a commentary on a horrible fic like this, and even though I think it would be extremely fun to shred "My Immortal" like many others have, admittedly I have not read any of the Harry Potter books nor plan too. I know- I know, "My Immortal" seriously has nothing to do with the actual books/movies, but again, I don't know much about the characters (and apparently, nor does Tara). Anyways, here's the first chapter with commentary. Enjoy?

AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time! [A spelling error on the first sentence... hell maybe it is an improvement... a horrible, horrible improvement] btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard but its meant2 be unformal ok! ["Unformal", meaning "informal", doesn't mean you don't have to worry about your spelling, and I kinda find it hard to believe you are dyslexic; I think that's just another one of your excuses for being "unformal"] no critisism pls! [Um... no. When you post your works on the wonderful interwebs, expect it to be criticized. Get some backbone and improve your writing] tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) [Really? You wrote this story for your boyfriend? For what purpose?] amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!) [Best friends forever.] love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx

UPDATE: I have a proofreader [lies] and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see [Your sentence of reassurance tells me otherwise](thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon. [I'm sure you will]

Chapter 1 - Altantiana[You already spelled your own character's name wrong and we haven't even began the story yet!]

Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren (but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa) [If she is called Tiana or Tiaa all the time, why not just make that her actual name? Giving her that outrageous name doesn't guarantee her to be a fan favorite or anything.]. I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington! [Radical!] My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist. [Do that many similes really need to be used to describe your hair?] My eyes are deep forgetminot [forget me not] blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight. I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl [Because we all know that personality doesn't make a character.] (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!) [No shit. But tell me, were they really old and disgusting or REALLY old and disgusting?] but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story. They say I'm too ivory white [ebony black] and ethereal and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about [Ha, I seriously doubt that], but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders [D'aww, so nice to see you have feelings for other people] (btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight [How lucky of you] and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways, I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same! [Oh Atlantiana, you acting like this just proves that you are no better than Miss. Ratty Brain])

Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me [...Then they must be fake Atlantiana my dear, because girls as skinny and as slim and as slender as you cannot get "really big boobs". Not to mention the fact that you just said awhile ago that you can't gain any weight. Boobs are all fat, how are you getting such big knockers if you can't store any of that fat away?]! I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair [Again, physical appearance does not add depth to your character]. I smell like mint and cinnamon [toothpaste flavors]. I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music! [COOL music! Oh great! I was afraid that I was reading about an overtly sexist character that listened to trashy music! But thank you for clarifying that Atlantiana.]

It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie. [Let me guess what happened to your real family: 1) Your mother died and Dad wasn't in the picture, 2) Your parents were murdered, leaving you an orphan or 3) Your mother died and your father abused you. Let's see which one wins) They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family. I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much [I bet that's not going to stop you from allowing Edward Cullen to love you all over is it?]. My real mom died when I was born and I never knew my real dad. [Oh snap! The winner is answer #1!] I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him. [Who knows baby, who knows.] Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it. [No shit they would stare at you. Wearing clothing that shows undergarments, I'm assuming it's all of your bra and not just the straps, is usually labeled under the "Inappropriate Clothing" section of the student handbook] I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me. [Pink = Evil] I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!) [Oh man, you must be so hot to have guys asking you DESPERATELY Tiaa] and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak! Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! [Such a badass] My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,. [... (Sigh) That would never happen Miss. Writer. While some teachers are more likely to not say anything about a short skirt or a bit of cleavage, all of them are obligated to tell a girl that her top is inappropriate if her bra is on display. If her being a foster kid and 'gothic' or whatever is a big issue they don't want to deal with, they can just send her to the school counselor who will realize that this girl is just a poser who needs serious help.]

My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder, and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life. Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this, well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl. I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language [spooky] and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it! I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color! I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire. The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept! [... You done with your baffling descriptions Atlanitiana? Good]

At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me. It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features. [I wonder who this guy is, I mean, I just can't fathom that much HAWT-ness] He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him. I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt! [Yes, yes we get it Atlantiana.] A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her. [... I thought you didn't care about shit like that Atlantiana?] I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking [What the fuck is wrong with you? (Lol) My God! Do you think you are beautiful Atlantiana, yes or no? Don't be such a dumbass and sit there like, "I'm not beautiful... DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME UGLY YOU BITCH, I AM GORGEOUS!"] but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF cause thats just low. [I am so convinced...] So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room while no one was there [Oh Tiana you are so complex and emotional!]. As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine. I locked away hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class. I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK! [We already know you swear, so there's no point in playing modest]

"WTF!" I screamed loudly, "watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems) [Are your anger problems supposed to give you more dimension and make us readers believe you have problems? Try again.]

"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven [eww] "please forgive me my lady" [(Lol) Why is he talking like that?]

It was the hawt pale guy! [Yeah, figured that much]