Jay and Silent Bob vs. The Labyrinth

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters; the characters within the Labyrinth belong to Jim Henson, and Jay, Silent Bob, Dante, and Randall belong to Kevin Smith. This story however, is a figment of my imagination.

AN: This story IS a Comedy, it is rated R mostly for very explicit language (The trademark of any good Kevin Smith movie), as well as the use of Marijuana...I do not condone the use of marijuana to anyone...it is illegal (he he). Please read and review! This is a crossover Fic that I think anyone with a sense of humor will enjoy. If you have never seen any of Kevin Smith's movies, you may want to rent one so you better understand Jay and Silent Bob's Characterization in this story...Movies such as: Dogma, Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Mall Rats, and Chasing Amy are all kick ass. Don't forget to leave me a review!!!


Chapter 1: "The Qwik Stop"

Sarah zipped her suitcase and threw the last of her things into her overnight bag. She took one last look around her old room and spotted something red sticking out from her bookcase that caught her eye. She walked over to the bookcase and pulled out her old copy of "The Labyrinth".

"God it's been years since I read this!"

She thought for a few moments about her childhood adventures in the Labyrinth and almost gave into the urge to call on one of her old friends. She looked at her watch and realized she needed to get back to school if she was going to make it there before dark. She took the book and shoved it into her overnight bag and tried to zip it up.

"Shit!! The zipper is broken again! Oh well, it'll just have to stay open." She said to herself.

She grabbed her bag and suitcase and made her way downstairs to say goodbye to her father, stepmother and Toby.

"Bye Guys, I'm heading back up to school now!" She called as she dragged her suitcase down the stairs behind her.

Toby ran over and just about mowed Sarah down with a huge bear hug.

"Bye sis, make sure you bring me something next time you come home, okay?"

"I will. You behave yourself for mom and dad, okay?"

"Yup."

Toby moved aside so that Sarah could hug her parents too.

"Here, let me help you with those, honey."

Sarah's dad grabbed her suitcase (which weighed a ton) and helped her out to her car. Sarah popped the trunk of her old silver convertible mustang and threw her suitcase in. She carefully placed her open overnight bag on her backseat, and then moved to the back of the car to close her trunk.

"Be careful driving, and call us when you get there."

"Okay Dad, I will."

Sarah's dad gave her another hug and she climbed into her car and started the engine. She beeped the horn as she drove away, wishing she didn't have to leave so soon, but she had a five-hour drive ahead of her as she headed back to school in New Jersey.


Sarah turned the radio on and drove all afternoon. It was about dinnertime when she realized she had missed lunch and she was a little hungry. She had just entered her college town when she saw a small convenience store up ahead on the left. She decided to stop there to grab some food before she got back to her dorm. The sign for the store read, "The Qwik Stop". She pulled into the parking lot and parked in a space in front of the store.

There were two guys, obviously loitering, standing in front of the store that were extremely obnoxious. She had seen them around town a few times but had no desire to talk to either one of them. The one with the long hair and baseball cap grabbed his crotch and yelled, "Hey you want some of this? My friend Silent Bob here needs some head, whaddya say?"

"Fuck off!" Sarah spat back with disgust. "Some people are so crass!" she thought to herself as she walked into the store.

Jay looked over at Silent Bob when she walked into the store and gave him an approving smirk.

"She wants to fuck....Bonnngg!"

Silent Bob nodded, and pointed over to her car and Jay started walking over to it. The canvas top was down exposing her backseat. Silent Bob looked at her open overnight bag and spied a pair of her panties. Jay noticed the small red book sitting on top of Sarah's things and picked it up and shoved it into his pocket while Silent Bob smuggled her panties.

Sarah looked around the store and finally settled on a bag of sun chips and a coke. As she neared the register, she overheard the clerk and another guy who appeared to be just hanging out talking about the universe.

"So Randall, what you are trying to tell me is that this life, that we live day in and day out might only be a tiny part of some all-encompassing reality."

"Dante, you're too closed minded."

"Well, what types of things do you see as being different from this reality?"

"There are probably aliens...too many people have been able to describe them similarly."

"Tricks of the media, my friend."

"No, there is something more to this universe, though like other realms and shit."

Sarah smiled knowingly, as once again her thoughts strayed to the Underground.

"Don't you think so?"

"Hmm? Are you talking to me?" Sarah asked shyly.

"Yeah, don't you think there is something else out there?"

Sarah swallowed and nodded, "Yeah, I suppose I do."

She paid for her food and headed for the door. She braced herself for the barrage of obscene comments that was sure to come her way. Looking straight ahead, Sarah headed for her car as she heard Jay yell out, "Let's get makin' with the love and Shmoke some weed!"

Sarah turned around disgusted and replied, "No Thanks." As she hopped into her car and sped off, she could still hear him yelling after her, "You're just jealous because we didn't want to fuck you!"

Sarah mentally reminded herself NEVER to go back to that convenience store again.

Five minutes later, Sarah pulled into the parking lot of her school dormitory. She grabbed her bag of Sun chips and her coke and absent mindedly threw them into her overnight bag...something wasn't right...

"That's strange, I know that book was in here when I left..."

Sarah ruffled through the items in her bag and the book was nowhere to be seen. Just when she was about to give up, she glanced down and saw a small piece of paper that looked all crinkled up.

"What's this?"

She picked it up so that she could examine it more closely and she saw that it was the remnants of an already smoked joint.

"Those Assholes went through my car!"

Sarah threw the roach into her ashtray and jumped into her car and headed back to the Qwik Stop to confront those two obnoxious thieves.


Jay tapped silent Bob on the arm and gestured to the store.

"Let's see what those two cock smokers are up to."

Silent Bob nodded and followed Jay into the Qwik Stop.

"Hey you fuckin stoners, get out of the store," Dante yelled.

"What's your fuckin problem Grizzlie Adams? Me and Silent Bob here wanted to pick up some cigarettes."

"Here, now get the fuck out of here." As Dante whipped a pack of cigarettes at Jay.

Silent Bob's eyes lit up and he pulled the panties out of his overcoat pocket and held them up proudly.

"That sexy slut that was just here, Silent Bob just swiped her panties...you want a sniff?"

"That's disgusting." Randall said in mock contempt.

"You fuckin pussies" Jay shot back.

Jay pulled the small red book from his pocket and showed it to Dante and Randall.

"Look I grabbed this from that Bitch's car too. Maybe there's pictures of people fuckin in here..."

"Bunch of fuckin savages" Randall muttered under his breath.

Jay flipped through the book, and to his dismay, there were no pictures. He read a few sentences out loud.

"And what no one knew, was that the King of the Goblins had fallen in love with the girl. What's this shit??!! Fetish porn?" Jay shook his head. He read a few more paragraphs to himself about the part where the girl wishes away the screaming baby to the Goblins.

Jay looked up when he heard tired squeal in front of the store and a familiar silver mustang. Jay quickly tossed the book to Silent Bob as Sarah stormed in in a rage.

"I want my book back...NOW!"

Jay tried to play innocent but Bob still held the book in his hands along with her panties that dangled from his pinky.

Sarah gasped, horrified that these two managed to snatch her panties too – They could keep them. She was certainly never going to touch them again.

"Give. Me. The. Book!"

"Alright, alright...you get off on Goblins and shit...it's cool..."

"What??!! No...just...shut up."

"Bob, give her the fuckin book before she rips our peckers off. Chill the fuck out already."

Bob slowly handed the book back to Sarah but held back on the panties.

"Jesus mother fucker, give her her shit! God, I wish the Goblins would take this fat fuck away right now!" Jay yelled.

"WHAT? Oh NO!!!!" Sarah squealed.

Suddenly swirling fog mixed with glitter filled the store. When the air cleared, the Goblin King was standing where Silent Bob stood only moments earlier.

"Hey Peter Pan Mother fucker, where did you come from?" Jay said.

Jareth ignored the comment and settled his gaze firmly on Sarah.

"Well, well, well...what have we here. Didn't you learn your lesson the first time around?"

"It wasn't me....I..."

"What's said is said..."

Jay, Dante, and Randall looked utterly confused as they watched the exchange between Sarah and the Goblin King. Although, Jay just couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"Who's this tights wearin' bitch?"

The Goblin King looked at Jay and formed a crystal on his fingertips and began to twirl it menacingly.

"Hey, how the fuck did you do that?? That's like cirque de soleil shit!"

"Aren't you the slightest bit concerned for your plump friend?" Jareth asked Jay.

"I don't care about that Tubby Bitch..."

Sarah elbowed Jay hard in the ribs. She couldn't let some asshole's ignorance condemn anyone to life as a Goblin.

"Let me save him, please?" Sarah implored Jareth.

"Sarah, this isn't your battle. The choice is his." Jareth replied coolly.

"What choice?" Jay asked in genuine curiosity.

"You have 13 hours to solve the Labyrinth or your "Chubby Bitch" Becomes one of us, forever."

"Okay, I'll give it a go...are there any sluts in the Labyrinth?"

Sarah elbowed his again, and tried to bargain with Jareth. She knew full well that this fuck up could never win alone.

"Let me go with him, please? It was my fault this happened. If they hadn't of found my book, Jay would've never said the words and you know it." Sarah said defiantly.

"Sarah, Sarah, always trying to be the heroine. If I let you help this...man...what will you give me in return?"

"What...what do you want?"

"I'll let you help him on one condition. You must surrender yourself to me whether he finishes the Labyrinth or not."

"That's not fair!" Sarah cried.

"You say that so often...I wonder what your basis for comparison is..." Jareth interjected.

"Alright. All right. I'll....I'll..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll stay with you."

Jareth smiled wickedly as if he had just won the best prize at a carnival game. "Done."

He replied.

In another puff of swirling glitter and smoke, Jay, Sarah and the Goblin King were gone.

Dante looked over at Randall and yelled, "I wasn't even supposed to be here today!" While Randall crossed his arms over his chest with a triumphant smirk as his theory on other realms proved to be correct.