There are limits to what a person can do, no matter how much you set your mind to it, it will never happen, you cannot accomplish it. Like they say, you cannot have everything, you cannot buy love, you cannot buy affection. You cannot undo the things you've done even how much you repent and atone for them. There are times you cannot earn the forgiveness even though you might think you finally deserve it after all this time.
I keep going back to that time I have done that terrible deed. I keep going back to the pages I have googgled in search of you. I want to bring it all back, the past that had bound me to you. The love that sent you to me. If I could have one wish in all my life time, I would wish for you back. If I am going to have one gift, I want it to be you. Sometimes I wondered why I wanted you in the first place when before I never thought I was really seriously in love with you that time. You even scared me of the things you did to yourself because of your possessive love for me. But looking back now, I want that. I want that possessive love of yours. I want to steal you away from that person who had taken my place. Why? Is it because I was jealous? No, I don't think so, I am selfish. I would be honest and admit that. I am not kind, I am not good. I am so many things you never thought I am. One of the reasons I wondered why you fell for me in the first place.
People often use the excuse that we are just human, that is why we make mistakes, we do certain things we never thought we are capable of. But somewhere in the back of our minds, we knew it, we knew it subconsciously we are doing it, we know we wanted to do it no matter how much we deny it. Because we thought we could get away with it. We just say, it was a mistake, we never meant to do it or let it happen. Why do we say this? Because we got caught? We got found out? And it was our escape to say that it wasn't what we meant to do, or we never thought of our consequences. People lie. Or else if we are so honest to one another, I doubt we would last so long with anyone. There are certain things we don't need to say, there are certain deeds we don't need to tell them. There are certain things we needed to put up with each other. I guess, that is the true meaning of loving someone, accepting each other, each of our flaws and shortcomings.
I really wish I had been wiser then. I really wish I had this knowledge back then when I was still with you. Maybe someday you would get to read this. I am still hoping you would. I had said my goodbyes, I can keep saying it, but deep down inside of me, I don't want to. I keep on holding on to the past, to the past you...the innocent you, the one who was so in love with me. The one who had always loved me. I may never have you back. But maybe...hopefully before I go on to the other life, I could accomplish this one purpose I have vowed to keep, that is to tell you how much I still love you. Very much. And how sorry I am for hurting you. Love hurts sometimes. I know that. I just hope there will come a time, I would be release from this invisible prison I put myself in, that I have finally done my time and can be finally released.
Wherever you are in the world right now. Keep in mind, I am looking up in the skies every night. Still thinking of you. That somewhere in your heart, I still have that niche you have entrusted to me a long time ago. And if I may not have it back, I still hope that there is that space inside of you, of the me back then, of the me you have loved and given up. Thank you for that love. It would the one true love I would always treasure for the rest of my life.
