A/N: I published this on my old account, but I don't used that for posting stories on anymore, so now it's here! This version has a whole load of editing done, so it's longer (and hopefully better!)
Let me know in a review!
Santana Lopez was in love with Brittany Pierce.
It hit her in the middle of Glee rehearsal, during free period on Tuesday. Mr Schuester's oh-so-original assignment had been to sing a song to 'express yourself', and it was a surprise to no-one when Rachel took to the floor and sang yet another ballad to an oblivious Finn, who sat wonderstruck in the center of the choir room.
Could you make it on your own?
See if I could, then I would,
I'll go, wherever you will go
Rachel sang it okay, Santana grudgingly gave her that. But it was the song seemed to hit a nerve, the lyrics unsettling Santana, stirring something inside her. A wave of nausea hit her, and she squirmed in her seat, fiddling with her Cheerio's skirt uncomfortably. Was the room swimming? Or maybe it was just her…
And then Santana felt a head rest on her shoulder, and turned to see Brittany there, watching the performance with an intense look burning in her eyes. Relaxing, she intertwined the girl's fingers with her own instinctively and watched the rest of the song in an uncharacteristically thoughtful silence, reluctantly releasing Brittany's hand as it came to an end, clapping along politely with the rest of the group. And as Mr Schuester took to the floor again, most likely praising Rachel or some other crap – who actually cared- Brittany's piercing blue eyes locked with Santana's own, and while no words were exchanged between the two, she could have sworn she felt something.
Not that kind of something where you twist your ankle during cheerleading practice, or pinch your toes wearing million inch stilettos to whichever jock's excuse of a party but the kind of something inside of you. Like the kind of buzz she'd gotten when the Cheerios won their 6th consecutive national championship, or standing on the stage after singing her solo in New York last year. She didn't know what it was, which scared her, but amongst the fear, her eyes still searching Brittany's she felt that a piece of her was content.
Then again, she was never really not content when she was with Brittany… it was almost impossible not to be happy when she was with her. She was…
She was in love with Brittany.
Sweet holy crap. She was in love with Brittany. Not in the way best friends should like each other, but in the way Brad loved Angelina, or Kate loved William. Something much deeper than any of that.
Crap. Crap. But she was straight! Her pin-ups were Taylor Launter and Zac Efron for god's sake; she was a perfect 1 on the Kinsey Scale!
She didn't love Brittany in that way, did she? She couldn't.
Come on, they both had boyfriends. Well, Britt was going strong with Wheels, and Santana had Puck… even if they weren't exactly dating, per say, more like hook-ups whenever things got boring. Maybe if she called him later, scored some beer and got her mack on… surely that should straighten her out, clear her head of the whole Brittany situation.
It was no secret she'd made out with Brittany on more than one occasion before, and enjoyed it…but it was friends with benefits, nothing more. No strings attached. Why did this song make it so complicated? It was easier with no feelings. Getting all emotional was totally overrated.
Santana sat awkwardly in her cheap plastic chair, willing for glee club to end already, so she could have something else to focus on, or at least escape Brittany, who was not helping Santana's muddled brain at all, by tilting her head side to side, meaning her ponytail would occasionally brush against Santana's cheek.
The clock hands were taunting her, dancing from number to number at what felt like a million times slower than normal. 15 minutes left. She could do this.
"Mr Schuester? Seeing as my previous solo was met with such enthusiasm, I think that it would be a strong contender for our ballad at sectionals, with possibly Quinn and Tina singing back-up. Of course, because I'm all for the team, I understand Mercedes might want to wail the last jaw dropping note, which I suppose I'd be willing to sacrifice for in return a solo in our group number, and I think that Train's 'Drops of Jupiter' will showcase my- I mean our- talents perfectly, if I could run by some vocals with you all please-"
Mr Schuester nodded wearily. "Sure, Rachel…" he trailed off, unenthusiastically.
Holy hell. Who was she kidding. Longest glee club meeting ever, she thought, discretely gazing at Brittany through her long eyelashes.
She knew Brittany was pretty, and she knew the other girl felt the same vice versa. Just like any other high school girls on Facebook, they'd always comment on various profile pictures, saying 'Gorgeous sweetie,' or 'Wow, my best friend is stunning!' Looking at her again now, Santana began to appreciate that yeah, Brittany was gorgeous, and her best friend was stunning.
In the space of one Glee club meeting, all this had happened. She'd started to fall for Brittany.
And she was honestly scared shitless.
"Santana!"
She didn't realize what was happening until she was almost align with Brad, perched by the piano as usual.
"Santana, you may not agree what with Rachel has to say but it's incredibly rude to just walk out of her like that!" Mr Schuester weakly protested.
She nearly snorted. Rachel freaking Berry was the least of her problems.
"I thought I mentioned earlier," she lied smoothly, looking her choir teacher straight in the eyes. "I have to sign out, my mom's picking me up for my annual flu jab," Thank goodness it was the right time of year for that. She held her breath, hoping he'd fall for it, and thank goodness the stupid fool did.
"Sorry, I must have forgotten," he frowned. "If we decide anything to do with set lists or choreography I'm sure you'll catch up just fine tomorrow,"
As soon as the words left his lips, she'd disappeared from the choir room, and ventured the twists and turns of the McKinley hallway, straight to her car in the parking lot. She couldn't slam her foot on the pedal hard enough, and began the short journey home, trying not to break speed limits.
Letting herself in the house, she almost flew up the stairs, and confined herself to the comforts of her bedroom, letting sleep consume her and putting her mind at rest. Maybe she'd wake up in the Red Rooster Inn, Lima's tiny motel, and find herself in the room that practically had her and Puck's name on it. This gay thing would be some drunken hallucination that she would laugh at with Puck when he took her for a burger after.
As if McKinley High's top bitch was a closet lesbian, she thought, exhausted.
She woke up bleary eyed at 2:45, and decided to get away from the house before her mother arrived back from work at 3 and found out she'd been skipping school. Her father was a doctor, and had drilled Santana that education would come first and foremost in the Lopez household, if she wanted to do well in life, and she had a feeling skiving would not go down well.
She hopped in her car and pondered where to go. Brittany's was out the question, so Quinn's maybe? She decided against that eventually, after remembering Quinn had mentioned that she was babysitting Beth that night. Mercedes and Rachel? She couldn't go more than five seconds without wanting to strangle one of the two. Tina? Where the hell did she even live? That was all her girls gone, apart from Kurt, whom she counted as one of them after he'd showed up to prom in a skirt. She was about to dismiss him too, until thinking it through. As much as she hated confessing her feelings, talking to an openly gay kid about those kind of feelings was probably a sensible idea. Plus, she knew he could keep a secret, after what went down with Karofsky last year. Hesitantly she started up the engine and began driving to his house, or the approximate whereabouts- she was sure she'd recognize it once she saw it.
After noticing both Kurt's prized navigator and Finn's muddy truck, she decided this was most likely the right one. The Hudmels lived in a sea of suburbia, and identifying their house had proved harder than she'd planned. She locked the car and walked up the driveway, noting how different it was here from Lima Heights. She paused at the door, shaking her head at her own nervousness. She was Santana Lopez, for frack's sake, this was nothing. She rang the doorbell, and then waited for a few seconds, until she heard someone fumbling around in the porch. The polished black door swung open, to reveal Finn Hudson, grinning goofily. Some people were never going to change.
"Santana?" he asked incredulously. The both stood awkwardly until she coughed. "As amusing as it is to watch you fail to subtly check me out, is it okay if I come in? As lovely as your porch is, I didn't drive all the way over here just to admire it…" She smiled flirtishly as she spoke, but it no longer felt natural, so she gave up. "I actually came over to see Kurt. Private fashion questions for homecoming," She added quickly.
"Cool." Finn answered blankly. "Kurt's in his room," he smiled, tripping over his own feet in an attempt to let Santana pass by through the hallway. She rolled her eyes at the Frankenteen's typical behavior. She didn't respond, because trying to keep up a conversation with Finn, however well he meant, was like talking to a sack of potatoes. They both climbed up in the stairs in silence, until Finn pointed at a single door smothered by a poster of Lady Gaga looking as sane as ever. "That's Kurt's room."
She bit her tongue, about to say 'No shit, Sherlock,' but instead settled for an uncharacteristically friendly "Thanks, Hudson."
"It's cool," he nodded happily. "See you in glee," he said, before disappearing into his room.
Santana turned to face Mother Monster, who was staring at her from Kurt's door. She wasn't sure whether to feel relaxed or even more nervous, but here he was; someone who would understand.
Knock, knock, knock. She rapped on his door three times and waited in silence before a split second passed and there stood Kurt Hummel.
"Kurt," she greeted him standing awkwardly at his door. Her eyes were burning with something the boy hadn't seen before.
"Santana?" he looked shell-shocked for a second before breaking into a genuine smile. "How are you doing? Flu jabs are kind of a bitch, and they can do horrible things to the skin" he shuddered, a frown setting in on his face.
"My arm's fine," She answered, having to smile slightly at his greeting. "But thank you for the concern. Actually, I just wondered if you could help me with something… I know it's something you've been through and I was wondering if you could help me with it. You're the only person I know who would… get this." Santana looked down, her hands shaking gently. Kurt nodded seriously, taking her hand and leading her to his bed, where they both sat still, until Kurt broke the silence.
"Just tell me when you're ready," he murmured reassuringly. Santana nodded jerkily and inhaled deeply.
"Right. I- I don't know if this is going to come as much of a shock or not," she began slowly, the nerves clear in her voice.
He nodded his head, slightly confused, indicating for her to go ahead. "Hey, I'm listening," Kurt reassured her, smiling encouragingly.
"You're with Blaine, right?" She asked, not waiting for an answer, knowing it full well. "And you guys are in love?"
Kurt nodded, looking unsure of where their conversation was headed but confident in his answer. "Yes."
"How did you know that what you were feeling wasn't just friendship? How did you know you wanted to actually be with him?"
"I always looked up to him- metaphorically of course, we all know I'm a good couple of inches taller than him," he winked "At first I thought it was because he helped me so much- I mean, you have no idea, he literally saved me- but when I cleared everything up at Dalton, that's when I realized I liked him as someone more than my friend or mentor. But how I knew I loved him…" He paused, seriously considering. "We went for coffee, soon after we got back from New York last year, and he said he loved me. And when he said that… I could picture us having a future together, something that lasted more than high school, and it was like our relationship was something serious… obviously I don't want marriage and all that at eighteen, but… Maybe one day. If it was with anyone it'd be him."
"Thank you," she whispered so quietly she could barely hear herself. Santana cleared her throat and sat up slightly straighter. "Kurt, when I- I ran out of glee it wasn't because I had some flu jab. When Rachel sang that song, it got me thinking that I'm in love with Br- with someone. And I'm scared to admit it to myself because, we're so as close as hell, and this is going to kill our friendship and- oh my god Kurt, it's Brittany, I'm in love with Brittany- I'm gay," Kurt could barely distinguish the words by the end of her mini-speech and there were a few seconds of silence while he processed this. She mistook his silence and began gushing hysterically- "Don't judge me, after all those gay jokes I made about you and Blaine, and you must think I'm s-such a hypocrite, I'm so sorry, Kurt, I just thought that you could give me some advice, I'll just- I'll just leave and-"
"Whoah, Santana," he smiled tentatively. "Do you think that I, of all people, would judge you? Trust me, I've dealt with all this before," he assured her in a soothing tone. "Shh, don't worry, I'm here, calm down,"
She cautiously looked up at him, eyes glassy but with a small glimmer of hope. Kurt carried on, unfazed. "I really wish I could tell you this was easy," he said with a sad smile, "but there will always be homophobes, guys who will do a whole lot worse than what Karofsky did to me. The world is mean like that. But whatever happens, I'm here for you. Blaine's here for you- trust me, Santana, out of anyone, we understand it, okay? And don't forget the New Directions- everyone's gone through something at some point- the love triangles, the teen pregnancies, the, uh- bullying-" he winced slightly, but continued. "But when it came down to it, we were always there for each other- we still are, always will be. And don't think that this decision is going to change what at least the Glee Club will think of you- I think you're stuck with us all." Taking a final breath he added warily; "I never had someone to help me when I realised who I was, Santana, and there were so many times I felt like I should just- give up, and- and put an end to it," he choked, his eyes bright. "Um, anyway, I didn't but, no-one should have to feel like that. Not you, not anyone, and, I promise I'll help you with all this and make sure you never get as low as that," he concluded, a faint smile tugging his cheeks.
Guilt rushed through Santana as she murmured "Kurt, I'm so, so sorry," and engulfed him in a weak hug. Their eyes met, and it was then Santana knew she wasn't alone in this struggle. "You know what, Lady Trousers?" she half teased, wiping the tears away from her cheeks and laughing shakily. "I have a feeling that this could be the start of a beautiful friendship,"
He hugged her back hard, a matching smile on his face. "I promise you it'll get better," Kurt told her quietly. "It did for me and it will for you too."
She nodded into his shoulder, not sure what to make of this display of affection- she didn't do hugs and embraces, she did make out sessions in janitors closets at the most innocent. But she couldn't help but let herself be held for just this once, and let herself be comforted before she tried to come to terms with anything.
One step at a time.
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cause we're ordinary people
Baby we should take it slow
Take it slow, oh
This time we'll take it slow
Take it slow, oh
This time we'll take it slow
Love it? Hate it? Fancy beta-ing because it's currently 02:21 am and I can't be bothered to read it through?
Let me know in a review!
