RED's Tiny Big Problem
Mission 1: Mannly fight, woMannly problem.
WAZAAAAAAAAP? Here's my newest story, RED's Tiny Big problem. This is going to be my first NONE crossover story. Apparently, I have a thing for crossover. I dunno, you tell me. DISCLAIMER, PYRO!
Pyro: Huh Huddah how huh humph! *This author owns nothing. Otherwise, there'd be no author and instead a director.*
Lotta words, for a few noises. ONWAAAAAAAAARD!
"Mission begins in thirty seconds." The woman that always annoyed everyone and commanded them at the same time stated. A large, bald, and fat Russian man with a minigun rolled his eyes, knowing that there were only thirty seconds left. It was on the clock RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! This was Heavy, the tallest member of the RED team. He was supposed to be the guy who draws enemy fire whilst his good friend, the Medic, would heal him. While that happened, he would mow them all down, the little cowards. The Medic in question was a small and somewhat frail German man who wore thin glasses, with his Medigun, which would fire a laser that healed people (?). He adjusted his glasses, visibly nervous. Then, a loud belch ruined the whole moment. He turned and faced the Demoman, a Scottish/African man who was missing an eye, and was armed with multiple bombs on his chest. Not a good idea at all, if you ask me. But he's normally too drunk to care about what other people think. Then another voice yelled, "Yo, Cyclops! That's disgusting!" That was the Scout, who was a kid, plucked from the streets of New York, complete with an accent and attitude. "Ah gotta agree with lil' Speedy thar. Demo, that's just disgusting. Didn't yer momma ever teach you any manners?" The Demo momentarily glared, then rolled his eye, and continued to drink. The person who questioned his mother's level of etiquette was Engineer, a good ol' Southern, friendly kind of guy. He, as the title implied, built devices that played a more defensive role, sentries and dispensers. Get yer head out of the gutter. Then, a tall, thin Frenchman with a mask on, revealing only his dark, chocolate eyes and nose just stated, in a voice like that of a snake's "Gentlemen, you're wasting your breath with that one. It would be like telling Pyro to stop lighting stuff on fire." That idea chilled them to the bone. Pyro was the guy who had one solution to life, "How Hud Huda Huddah How Huh!" that translates to something like this, "Burn EVERYTHING WITHIN THIS PATHETIC WORLD!" To tell him not to burn would be… a death sentence.
They sat there for the remaining time, just waiting for the match to start. Then the announcer proclaimed for them to begin the match, "Begin Mission." They all ran out, roaring their heads off in an effort to scare the opponent. They were all in costumes, to help enhance the fear, as best they could. The Pyro had his demonic set on, the Blazing Bull, a set of false horns over his eye sockets on his gas mask, the Tail from the Crypt, a tail which hangs from his oxygen tank, followed by the Fallen Angel, a set of wings on his back. Next, his melee weapon was the Sharpened Volcano Fragment, a, well, sharpened volcano fragment turned into an axe head. Then his primary was the Backburner, which had a menacing demon head drawn, quite accurately, onto the head of the weapon. His secondary was the Scorch Shot, from his Meet the Pyro video. You know, when he shot Scout in the forehead. Speaking of which, when he becomes… that thing, it's merely a randomized mental disorder due to a childhood brain injury. Yeah, that's what I think. The Spy quickly shakes his hand in front of his friend to make sure he's… you know… 'There'. When the Pyro gives him thumbs up, the Spy gives a sigh of relief. Then the Spy grins beneath his mask and hat, Le Party Phantom. Then he ejects his melee weapon, a hidden blade based upon the Assassin's Creed series' trademark weapon. Here it's called the Sharp Dresser. Then he looks at his revolver, the Diamondback, and then he checks his disguises, then halts in place, turns around, and hides in the spawn room, and plays Angry Birds on his disguise kit, which doubles as a cigarette holder. Then the Announcer yells, "GET OUT THERE, SPY!" He jumps, startled, and then runs out of the door.
As the Frenchman runs away, the Soldier, an American patriot with some SERIOUS History issues, laughs. Currently, he's using as his primary the Cow Mangler 5000, which can fire a charged laser that sets things on fire. The Pyro approves. Then, upon thinking for a moment, he takes out his secondary, the Reserve shooter, which takes out airborne targets REALLY easy. He checks to make sure it has full ammunition, and then goes to his melee, the Disciplinary Action, and then whips the Spy in the toushie as he walks by, "Move faster, Frenchie!" Then they both move about 40% faster than before, and switch to their primary weapons. The Soldier tilts up his hat, the Conquistador, so he could see the slaughterhouse he was approaching. The Sniper was pinned down from the BLU team's Heavy fire, so he couldn't provide support to Scout who was hit in the leg by the BLU spy's Ambassador. The Spy approached the RED Scout, and as he begged, "No, please! Don't do it, man! Please don't!" The Spy leaned down and whispered, "I'll make sure your mother won't mourn for long." Then he raises his Spy-cicle, he yells, "AUGH!" and the RED Heavy raises him in the air, and throws him into the ground, and cracks his skull on the concrete. Then the BLU Spy cowers while grasping his damaged cranium. The Heavy pulls out his secondary, the Family Business, and aims at the Spy's head, "I'll make sure your hundreds of girlfriends won't mourn you long." Then he fires, ripping open the Spy's skull, and the blood splatters onto the Heavy's hat, the Dragonborn helmet. He took it off momentarily, and wiped the blood from the horns, and shoves it back on his head. Then the Medic asks, "Did you really mean zhat?" Then Heavy looks at his friend, and says, "Niet. Does it look like Heavy has time for large quantity of women? NO!" The Medic flinches, causing his pet pigeon, Archimedes, to fly off, back to the RED barracks, so that it can feast upon Heavy's spare sandviches. The Heavy then puts his hand on the Medic's head, and adjusts his hat, the Otolaryngologist's mirror. I don't know how to pronounce it either. Then Heavy whoops out his primary, Sasha, his pride and joy, and begins firing away at the 'tiny babies' that dare stand before him.
The Scout, in the meantime, had the Medic put his ankle back into working shape, and then ran of, using his primary, the Force-A-Nature, to pluck at the rivaling Medic's health. He pulled out his melee, the Sandman, and threw the baseball that accompanied it, at the Heavy that was about to attack him. The stunned Heavy lurched back, groaning and grasping his struck and disorientated head. The BLU Medic's eyes went wide in terror, "Oh no." The BLU Heavy swung his arm, and struck the Medic into a steel crate, leaving a Medic-shaped hole in the wall. Using the cease-fire as an opportunity, the RED Sniper got up, raised his sniper rifle primary, the Machina, which can pierce multiple targets, and traced the Heavy, muttering, "Steady, steady…" Then he fired, hitting both the Heavy and the unconscious Medic. When the Heavy dropped, and the Medic was still in one piece, albeit bleeding from a shoulder wound, Sniper growled, and before he could take a second shot, his Razorback, which protected him from a Spy's backstab, went off. He turned around and stabbed the Spy in the stomach with his Bushwacka, which he had taken the liberty of nicknaming, 'The # 1 Bushwacka'. Then, while the Spy staggered back, the Sniper pulled out his rifle, and fired into the Spy's brain. The blood splattered, with the Sniper muttering, "You got blood on me hat." The hat in question was his Trophy Belt, which was pretty much his regular hat, with a small ring of crocodile teeth he himself had been given by his idol, Saxton Hale. The Sniper shook his head, and dismissed those thoughts, and got back to business. He quickly walked down towards the spawn room to get another Razorback.
The Engineer, in the meantime, was somewhat more successful than the Australian sharpshooter. He had set up his sentry, dispenser, and teleporter, got them all to level 3, AND found himself a nice, cozy spot to rest. He sat down, and tilted his Texas Ten Gallon over his goggled eyes, and began to whistle a tune that was on his iPod,
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby (Look) I'm betting you like people Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby Whistle baby, whistle baby, It's like everywhere I go Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby Whistle baby, whistle baby, Go girl you can twerk it Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
And I'm betting you love creep mode
And I'm betting you like girls that give love to girls
And stroke your little ego
I bet you I'm guilty your honor
That's just how we live in my genre
Who in the hell done paved the road wider?
There's only one flo, and one rida
I'm a damn shame
Order more champagne, pull a damn hamstring
Tryna put it on ya
Bet your lips spin back around corner
Slow it down baby take a little longer
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
Whistle baby, whistle baby
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
Whistle baby, whistle baby
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
My whistle ready to blow
Shawty don't leave a note
She can get any by the low
Permission not approved
It's okay, it's under control
Show me soprano, 'cause girl you can handle
Baby we start snagging, you come up in part clothes
Girl I'm losing wing, my Bugatti the same road
Show me your perfect pitch, you got it my banjo
Talented with your lips, like you blew out a candle
So amusing, now you can make a whistle with the music
Hope you ain't got no issue, you can do it
Give me the perfect pitch, ya never lose it
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby
Let me see you whistle while you work it
I'mma lay it back, don't stop it
'Cause I love it how you drop it, drop it, drop it on me
Now, shawty let that whistle blow-oh, oh oh
Yeah, baby let that whistle blow-oh oh!
Let me know
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it
And we start real slow
You just put your lips together
And you come real close
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby
Here we go
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whistle baby, whistle baby,
Whistle baby, whistle baby
When he was done with the song, he heard the sound of electrocution, and yelled, "SPY SAPPING MA SENTRY!" Then he pulled out his Widowmaker, which requires the metal he uses for building into ammunition, and he aims around nervously for several minutes, and then, when feeling secure enough, pulls out his wrench, and melee weapon, the Jag, and removes the Sapper. When he hears a Spy uncloak behind him, the RED spy taps on his watch three times, a pause, and two more times. The Engineer relaxes. That's the code that he, the Sniper, and the Spy came up with so that they won't attack him when he uncloaks. Then he turns and leans on the dispenser, "What can I do ya fer, Mr. Espionage?" The RED Spy then reports, "I followed the BLU Spy from his spawn to here. Here he is." Then the RED Spy stabs to his right, and on the hidden blade, there is a blue imitation of him. The BLU spy then grins, and then disappears. It was a Dead Ringer. The RED spy mutters, "Damn it." Then he turns towards his friend, "I'm sorry, Engineer. But I have my own work to do. Adios." He then cloaks and disappears. The Engineer grasps his Widowmaker, and looks around, "Confound it all." Then he calms down, sits down, and then leaps up, striking the BLU Spy, who was going to sap his dispenser. He then whoops out the Jag, and cracks open the BLU Spy's skull. For the second time that day, the BLU Spy is dead.
The Demoman and Soldier were on a killing spree in the meantime. They were blowing up everything they could get their hands on. Then when the BLU Pyro was about to ambush them, but before he could, the Demoman dropped his bottle, which contained alcohol. Which is flammable. The BLU Pyro realized how low he held his flamethrower, "Hoh, huh." Translation, "Oh, fuck." Then the BLU Pyro ran right past the two, ignited by his own flames, causing the two masters of explosions to laugh and then stop and blow him up. Then the Soldier whipped the Demoman in the head, "Come on. We've gotta get that intelligence." Then the Scottish Cyclops realized WHY they were there, and yes. He had forgotten why he was blowing stuff up. He forgot why they were there, and then just ran. He then saw the BLU Scout approaching, and picked up his 'bottle o' scrumpy' and ran at full speed, the Soldier following closely. The Demoman then swung his bottle at the Scout, knocking him up like he was on an operating table, right in front of the Soldier, who aimed the Reserve Shooter at BLU Scout's back, and blew him up. Then he walked away, high-fiving his friend and demolition rival.
The Pyro had suffered a head injury, courtesy of a Jarate bottle from the enemy Sniper. See, the thing is this: If the Pyro suffers head damage, he becomes… the monster. He then looked, and everything was all kittens and rainbows. Literally. He saw the Sniper as a little cupid baby creature, and upon seeing it in distress stuck in a tree (he saw the Sniper looking in awe at the monster Pyro had become, and was hiding in a sniping tower). Then he climbed the tree, trying to retrieve the Sniper-baby (Was climbing the tower, going to kill the creature). When he got up to the branch, he grabbed the creature, and freed it from the tree, letting it fly. It fell down (He threw BLU Sniper out of the window). When he jumped down, he landed and held a milk bottle high in the air (He landed upon the Sniper's back, likely breaking it, and held up his Scorch Shot, and aiming it at the Sniper). Then he fed the little thing, and it smiled, and flew off (He shoved the gun in the Sniper's mouth, and fired, igniting the BLU Sniper's head). Then the Pyro walked off, to spread more joy and happiness (bring pain and misery to all that stand before him).
The Spy had set his sights upon the BLU Demoman and Engineer, who had heard the Pyro transform, and they were holed up in the intelligence room. He had positioned himself to pull a Batman. He had disguised himself as the BLU Soldier, so the BLU sentry wouldn't attack him, and then he dropped, using a rope to hold himself, and grabbed the Engineer, and disappeared, in a bungee jumping style. He had his hand over the Engineer's mouth to hide his cries for help. The Texan cried for help, and begged for the masked man to not hurt him. But his pleas fell on deaf ears. The Spy raised his blade, and then plunged it into the Engineer's throat, disfiguring his corpse. He then dropped the corpse on a rope, cloaked, and went off to who knows where. When Demoman saw his friend's mouth shaped like…well… what should only be seen in the bedroom, he panicked. The Spy was near, and he hid himself, aiming his Loch-n-Load around randomly, hoping nothing would find him. Then the BLU Engineer ran in, having respawned, and was panting, apparently running VERY fast from having to get to the intelligence room. When the Demo approached him, he knew it had to be a Spy. He hit him over the head with a frying pan, and while Engineer was on the ground, Demoman slapped himself. Then he heard a voice whisper, "Don't hit yourself. I'll do it for you." Then he felt a sharp pain as the surprisingly strong Spy lifted the Demoman at least an inch off of the ground, his Sharp Dresser going straight through the Demoman's intoxicated liver. Then the Engineer had little time to react, he did a side roll, dodging the blade of the Spy, and then he yelled, "SPY SAPPING MA EVERYTHING!" The Spy's reflexes were great enough to expertly sap the entire of Engineer's devices. Then he used the Diamondback's ability to get automatic crits from sapping Engineer devices to quickly dispatch the Engineer, three shots. One to the arm that was about to fire his Lugermorph, two to the leg of the Engineer as he tried to run. The third was point-blank, to the Engineer's brain, with the BLU intelligence upon the firer's back. The Spy dropped the cigar he was smoking, pulled out his disguise kit, and quickly fired off a Red bird in Angry Birds, then pulled out another cigar. He hid himself as RED Pyro to make the enemy want to run, giving him a chance to live longer. He calmly walked out, his Diamondback hidden as the RED Pyro's Scorch Shot. When the BLU Sniper saw the RED menace emerging from the building, he exclaimed, "Oh, FUCK ME!" Despite his insistence upon civility. He jumped out of the tower, into the pool that was nearby. The real Pyro walked right on by, and saw it as BLU Sniper-baby drowning. Naturally, he had to help. He swam into the water, and gave it a glow stick, and the baby floated upwards (dug the Sharpened Volcano Fragment into the Sniper's shoulder, and the body drifted to the surface). Then, he and Spy walked away to turn in the intelligence, and claim victory.
Later, when the match was declared over, and the intelligence was turned in…
The REDs were partying hard. They had been on a violent win streak due to the Pyro's… issues. Demoman was… you already know by now. Pyro was playing a mean heavy metal guitar, and he was using Engineer's good guitar. The Texan in question was dancing a jig that Demoman had taught him, during his rare moments of sobriety. The Heavy was using a video chat, and was having a nice, quiet chat with his family back in his mountain mansion in Russia. As it turns out, Heavy just know very little English, but is VERY intelligent, despite what others say. When they do call him stupid, they see the wrong end of Sasha. Meanwhile, the Soldier was swinging his rocket launcher around in a very strict format, which kinda ruined the point of 'party'. The Medic was 'dancing' with Archimedes. By dancing, I mean swinging his finger up and down while the bird is on it, and saying things in German that clearly meant he was happy. The Scout had drunk a whole package of his favorite drink, Bonk! Atomic Punch, and was running on the walls, half naked. The Spy rolled his eyes, and held out his hand, which clothes lined the Scout. Then the Scout went sugar low, and passed out. "About time that boy shut up- Wait a minute, guys. GUYS!" They all stopped what they were doing, and heard a small noise. It was long, and high-pitched. It also was severely familiar, though none of them could put their fingers on it. They followed the sound, and found a crate that was rocking back and forth. The Soldier had SOMEHOW gotten his hands on his shovel, even though weapons were locked down every night. Medic then slowly opened the crate, and found that, underneath the wrappings from the box of Soldier's Cow Mangler 5000, which had arrived that morning, were MOVING. The Medic cautiously moved the wrapping aside, and then everyone gasped. Beneath the wrappings, underneath a 40-something pound laser bazooka, was a baby. The Medic then looked at his crewmates, and said one sentence, "Vwe are fucked."
My baby cousin gave me this idea when I was thinking of something Team Fortress 2 for this story, then I saw her and it hit me. We throw a baby into the RED team. Well, see ya. CIAO!
