AUTHOR: Keren Ziv
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of this here Alias show.

I Didn't Want To Hurt Her

I tried to warn her. I knew that she'd get sent there, sent to bring back a man with information that I needed just as much as she did. I tried to get her out of the country, on a plane to meet me at an island. It didn't work. Everything I did to protect her failed.

I remembered her scent well. It hung so heavy on the air whenever she entered a room. That night at the cabin the atmosphere was thick with it. It's always been this great mystery to me, how one woman can smell so specifically her that you'd know that scent of lavender body gel everywhere.

She was so beautiful. I lay away nights, just thinking about her beauty. I would picture her . . . and her fire . . . and her grace . . . and everything I could think of that was she. She was everything. Have you ever known someone who could have the world wrapped up in her personality? She was good and bad; dark and light. She was perfectly in sync with herself.

I knew immediately when she was in the house. I can sense her when she is near me. Even after all these years, all these minutes, of being without her, I knew her. It is like she has this little ultrasonic sound that is she, follows her wherever she goes. I hear it and my heart begins to beat quickly.

I fought hoping to disarm her. I wasn't certain what I wanted to accomplish in battling with her. Would she be able to overpower me? Obviously yes. Even back when we were in training, she was always beating my butt.

"Keeping you on your toes," she'd say, whenever we'd spar and she'd end up the victor.

I'd glower at her from my vantage point on the floor. "More like keeping me off my toes and on my butt," I'd say, feinting embarrassment and anger. I'd clamber up to my feet and start the dance we danced all over again.

What was I thinking, fighting her? Did I honestly believe that I could beat her? Knock her out and leave, quickly, so that she wouldn't have to find out that her boyfriend was the Snowman – a mercenary. A murderer for hire. Something to be ashamed of.

So I kept my mask on and fought her. Kept the shame away so that she wouldn't know, wouldn't see. I didn't want to hurt her, you see. I wanted to protect her. That's all I've ever wanted to do.

Oh, look, I've fallen on her knife.