Set post 19x2 and before 19x3 – this one has been going around in my head for a week driving me mad – so here goes! Some spoilers so be warned, sorry can't write it without them. Come along for the ride, I've no idea where we're going but I know it's going to be more than 1 chapter – that's all I can promise now. As always none of them are mine – I just borrow them to have some fun!

"I'm sorry"

Amanda looked thoroughly confused at the words coming from her Lieutenant's mouth.

"What?"

"You're gona make me repeat an apology Detective?" The slight smirk on Olivia's lips calmed the fluttering of panic in Amanda's stomach.

"No Lieutenant. I'm just not sure what you're apologising for."

"For allowing you to feel afraid that I'm going to lecture you every time you disagree with me. You are allowed to, you should. I'm sorry."

Amanda waved off the apology but Olivia had felt guilty all day about the conversation that was had in her office earlier. Moving around she sat on the edge of Amanda's desk and gripped her fingers around the edge of the desk.

"You were right" the brunette said quietly."

Amanda saw the sadness flicker across the hazel eyes, which were the window to everything this woman felt when her guard was down.

"I was projecting, I was allowing my own personal feelings to get in the way of the bigger picture on this case. I was the victim, I still feel like the victim sometimes. Especially when people keep dragging up Lewis, trying to test me." Olivia's voice wavered as she said his name and Amanda's natural reaction was to comfort, to soothe. Reaching for one of the hands that was gripped hard against the edge of her desk, Amanda took it in hers and held it. Both women started at the touch and Olivia was the first to pull away. She saw the pain in Amanda's eyes as she pulled away and a second round of the guilt that had nagged at her all day hit again.

"We've had a long week and I've promised Noah cartoons and ice-cream tonight. My bet is he doesn't last past 9 though. I however am gona need a few glasses of wine to erase this week. You want to join me?"

Amanda thought about the long lonely evening ahead. Kim had gone back to Georgia to spend a week with their Mom who had broken her arm after a fall, Amanda had no doubt was due to a night of heavy drinking. Kim still cared enough to go and see her. Amanda had long since stopped giving a damn.

"You know what, that sounds good. I'll call Katie, ask her to stay for a few hours. See you about 9:30?"

Olivia stood with a brief nod. She ducked her head as she retrieved her bag from Fin's desk and gave a small smile to the younger woman. "See you later"

Amanda smiled, the first genuine smile she'd smiled all day, and nodded.

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The quiet knock was welcomed with a genuine smile when Olivia opened the door. Amanda returned the smile and walked past Olivia hanging her coat in on the hooks by the door. Amanda took in her boss in sweats and a t-shirt, she'd never seen her in such casual clothing. It suited her. Amanda almost felt overdressed in her jeans and purple t-shirt. She handed the bottle of wine she was holding to Olivia.

"I'm afraid I know nothing about wine so all I know is it's red and in some liquid form"

Olivia chuckled. "Rollins there was no need, but thank you." Olivia had a bottle picked out and on the countertop but she knew it would be rude to not drink what Amanda had brought. Heading to the kitchen she told Amanda to take a seat wherever she was comfortable and went into the kitchen to pour two glasses. Taking a sip, she looked at the bottle and was impressed. Even if Amanda didn't know her wine, this was a good bottle, and expensive too.

"Tell me you had that as a gift and you're re-gifting because I'm gona feel really bad if you bought it?"

She handed the glass to Amanda and placed the bottle on the table. Amanda took a sip and didn't answer her question directly. Instead she decided to allay her Lieutenant's fears with an answer that she hoped would placate.

"I did buy it…" she held up a hand as Olivia began to protest, "but there was no wine in my house. The guy in the shop said it was good and you've had a hell of a couple of weeks so I figured if anyone deserved good wine tonight it was you."

Olivia considered offering to pay for half but she knew Amanda would be insulted so she acquiesced and simply smiled. "Thank you. For everything."

"You have nothing to thank me for. If the situation was reversed you'd be right there by my side."

Olivia took a sip of the wine. "You're right I would but…"

Amanda interrupted to stop Olivia from saying what she knew was coming.

"Yes, I know it's different. I know I'm a good Mom. Sometimes I forget but you always remind me. So, I'm going to remind you. You are an amazing Mom. Noah is lucky to have you. No-one would ever doubt how much you love that little boy. Anyone that would accuse you of hurting him doesn't know you at all."

"My own peers thought I was capable of it."

"They were following up on a complaint Liv, you know how it works, especially when there's kids involved."

"Asking about Lewis was the final straw," Olivia almost choked on his name.

Amanda damped down the anger his name always caused in her.

"He has nothing to do with this, how did they… I mean what…" Amanda put her wine glass down afraid it might smash she was gripping it so tightly.

Olivia rested her head back against the sofa and a tear escaped the corner of her eye.

"I wanted him dead."

Amanda took the hand resting beside hers and intertwined her fingers with Olivia's.

"I wanted him dead too Liv. We all did. I had to physically restrain Fin more than once when you weren't around. He wanted to be strong for you but when you weren't there he veered between despair and anger, we all did."

The tears fell and Amanda's heart broke as her strong, determined, thoughtful Lieutenant broke in front of her. Amanda closed the space between them on the sofa and wrapped her arm around Olivia's shoulder. It was joined seconds later by her other arm as Olivia turned her body fully into hers, letting the fears of the last few days fall away, tears soaking Amanda's t-shirt. Swaying gently, in a motion she used frequently to quiet her fretting daughter, Amanda held tightly to the brunette until the shaking subsided to small tremors and the tears had almost dried. The embrace lingered and Amanda wasn't sure how or if she wanted to extricate herself from it.

"Liv," Amanda said the name quietly so as not to frighten the woman in her arms.

Olivia shifted slightly but not enough so Amanda could see her face.

"It's OK not to be OK, you know that right?"

Olivia nodded once against Amanda's shoulder where her head now rested.

"Good." Amanda began to knead a knot at the base of Olivia's neck, causing her to tense and then relax slightly.

"I did some baby massage after Jessy was born." Amanda continued to speak quietly, "The midwife said she had a problem with her left hip. She said it'd correct on its own but massage would help. Physio said the techniques might come in handy at other times. Think this might be one of those times."

Olivia turned her neck slowly to allow Amanda's fingers more access. The muscles had been in spasm for the last few hours and Olivia had resigned herself to taking a painkiller and going to bed. This was a much better alternative.

Amanda's fingers began to work upwards towards her hairline and then back down, finding the spot that was causing her such immense pain.

"Relax" Amanda whispered quietly against the side of Olivia's head. Olivia complied and made a visible effort to relax her tense muscles.

Olivia tensed as Amanda hit the most sensitive point on her neck again.

"Sorry"

"It's OK, don't stop."

"I won't, turn around for me and relax back." Olivia was too out of it to disagree, it simply felt too good to finally be relaxed and almost pain free. Repositioning herself so she had her legs curled underneath her and her back against Amanda, she delighted in the fingers that were now working on her shoulders and upper back. Olivia rested her chin on her chest as Amanda returned her attention to her neck and inhaled sharply as Amanda hit the spot on her neck again, the circular motion of her thumbs finally easing the spasm that had been irritating her.

Amanda felt the tension in Olivia's body dissipate and when she lifted her head again she rested it back against Amanda's shoulder. Amanda inhaled the scent of citrus shampoo and some sort of sandalwood soap. She didn't want to move, didn't want to disturb the peace that had overcome the woman resting in front of her. She stilled her fingers and did what felt natural, kissing the top of Olivia head and resting her cheek against it. When Olivia finally moved it was for fear she may fall asleep rather than wanting to leave the embrace she was in.

Amanda lifted her head as she felt Olivia shift. She stood and held a hand out to the blonde. Amanda looked between it and the hazel eyes holding hers. The moment of hesitation reflected back in her Lieutenant's face and she regretted it almost instantly. She didn't hesitate any further but she felt the need to reassure the woman now holding her hand.

"That wasn't me saying no, you know that right?"

Olivia nodded as Amanda stood and wrapped her arms around her waist.

"I didn't know if this is what… I just don't know." Olivia's gaze lowered to the floor.

Amanda sat back down and kept hold of Olivia's hand pulling her into her lap as the taller woman started to sit beside her.

Olivia smiled as she found herself staring into bright blue eyes.

"I do know, I know what I want. I've always known I was attracted to you. I never acted on it because, well because you're Olivia Benson. You're NYPD born and bred and I was a small fry detective from Georgia with a point to prove and doing a really bad job of doing it." Olivia was about to speak but Amanda placed a finger to her lips."
"You know how I know that's not true anymore?" Amanda leaned forward and placed a kiss, soft and quick on Olivia's lips. Neither had time to close their eyes so Amanda caught the look of shock on Olivia's face. It caused a grin that left Olivia wondering what was going on. Amanda caught the inquisitive look.

"You. That's how I know it's not true. You telling me, you believing in me, even when I didn't believe in myself, just you."

Olivia cupped Amanda's cheek and kissed her again, deeper this time, tongues peaking and retreating as the two women began to explore each other for the first time.

Resting her forehead against the blondes for a moment to catch her breath Olivia felt a hand rest on her lower back. The hand worked between her sweats and t-shirt and began to stroke bare skin causing Olivia to shiver. Amanda's hands stroked up and down her back and eventually her hands worked under the black t-shirt breaking a kiss momentarily to remove it.

Olivia looked embarrassed as Amanda's gaze fell to her breasts.

"You are stunning" Amanda stated firmly, kissing the now tender lips to reassure the nervous brunette.

"I just wish this had happened 20 years ago." Olivia did the mental arithmetic and then held up her hands at Amanda's smirk "Ok, ten years. Sorry I forget how old I am sometimes."

"You are not old. Age is just a number and you have the body of a 30-year-old."

Olivia smiled again but it turned into a low groan as Amanda's hand found her breasts, cupping soft mounds through purple lace. Flicking her thumbs across erect nipples Amanda reached around, opened the clasp and released Olivia's breasts, lowering her mouth to encase one nipple while she continued to caress the other against the palm of her hand.

Olivia's grip on her head tightened as she ran her teeth along the pink bud, emitting a groan from its owner.

"Woah, one second."

Amanda stopped, lowering her hands, worried she had overstepped.

"No, no, don't stop… just too many clothes."

Amanda laughed and reached for the hem of her t-shirt pulling it over her head. Discarding it and her bra on the floor she began to work the fly on her jeans but her fingers were moved aside by longer ones sliding down the zip and working a hand inside the stonewashed denim.

Olivia held the hooded gaze as she cupped Amanda through her silk underwear, rubbing a vertical pattern that added to a growing wetness both could feel. Amanda keened as Olivia worked her hand into the now drenched silk and began the same vertical motion, this time with her finger between swollen pink lips. Olivia's index finger found her hard clit and began to include it in her strokes.

"Fuck me, Liv please fuck me."

Olivia leaned forward and whispered into her ear "Hush, I'm gona fuck you, I just want to make sure you're wet enough, I don't want to hurt you."

Amanda's heart ached at the genuine concern in Olivia's voice. Her previous lovers had never been so gentle. Only interested in what they could get and then leaving her before the sun rose.

"I am. Trust me?" Olivia wondered why the question, but its reason became evident as Amanda reached forward dipping below the waistband of her sweats and into her underwear, finding heat and wetness like she'd never felt before.

"Always."

Amanda found her clit just as Olivia entered her and simultaneous moans filled the quiet space. The next kiss was fierce, Amanda starting to dominate before Olivia reclaimed power. It wasn't a struggle, rather an effort to show the other what this moment meant to them.

Olivia's wrist angled so she could insert a third finger, her palm hitting Amanda's clit every time she thrust deeper into her.

"Fuck… Christ Liv, yes… yes…"

Olivia loved to hear Amanda say her name like that, almost hoarse with desire. Two final thrusts sent Amanda over the edge and as Olivia felt her fingers being held inside by sharp clenching of muscles she moved frantically against the fingers still teasing her, needing more.

"Mand, I need… you."

Amanda roused herself from the post orgasmic state quickly and curled her fingers, watching Olivia lift her hips, feeling her sink onto them.

The wetness that coated her fingers as she began to fuck the woman in her lap caused her to shiver.

"Yes..., there… God yes"

Amanda felt the start of Olivia's orgasm and leaned in close to whisper against her ear. "You are so very beautiful. Come for me Liv."

Olivia didn't need telling twice and as she began to cum she kissed the blonde long and hard, feeling muscles spasm around her fingers as Amanda came again. The kisses were long and slow now, coming down slowly together.

"Wow" Amanda muttered against Olivia's chest, where her head now rested.

Olivia chuckled, "Wow indeed. I don't think I can feel my legs." Amanda put her arm under Olivia's left knee and turned her body so she was sitting at an angle in her lap.

"Better?"

Olivia nodded against the smaller woman's shoulder.

"I wanted that to be about you Lieutenant – how did you end up fucking me – like I've never been fucked before might I add."

Olivia smiled, rather proud of herself but not wanting to seem boastful.

"I can see that smile Olivia Benson, but you are that good."

Olivia lifted her head and kissed the blonde.

"I'm sorry, I kind of took over. I just couldn't not touch you." It's been a long time, and when I thought that I might not get to touch you, well it just couldn't be like that."

Amanda nodded and stroked Olivia's bare back. Olivia tried to suppress a yawn but it didn't go unnoticed by the other woman.

"Come on. I'm gona get you to bed. I can't stay but I want to make sure you're settled."

Olivia pouted, reminding Amanda of Noah when he was throwing a strop.

"So that's where your son got it from."

The twinkle had returned to Olivia's eyes at the mention of her boy."

"I swear Olivia, if anyone tries to take that kid from you I will be the first on the witness stand to tell them what an amazing mother you are. I might be slightly more biased than most, but that doesn't make it any less true.

Olivia bit her lip to stop another round of tears and stood instead, taking the smaller woman's hand again and leading her to the bedroom.

She retrieved an oversized t-shirt from the drawer and discarded her sweats and panties in favour of cream pyjama bottoms before climbing under the covers, turning one bedside lamp off, but leaving the other on so she could see the other woman join her. Amanda had picked up her t-shirt on the way to the bedroom and pulled it back over her head. She lay on top of the covers, unwilling to get under them, knowing what would happen if she did. She had kicked off her boots however, and as she lay down she moved so she was flush against the body under the covers.

"I'm sorry I won't be here when you wake but Katie can only stay until midnight. I don't want you to feel like I'm abandoning you.

Olivia took one arm out from under the comforter and stroked up and down Amanda's bare arm, kissing her softly, and resting her head inches away so she could feel the detective's warmth as they lay together.

"I know, I'm not going to feel abandoned. A bit disorientated and turned on possibly but not abandoned."

Amanda stroked Olivia's hair noting that the long strands were soft and silky as she ran her fingers through them.

"Get some sleep Liv, I'll see you tomorrow and we can see what we can do about that turned on thing."

Olivia gave a small laugh as she began to fall asleep, her breathing slowing.

Amanda stayed watching her for half an hour, amazed and in awe that she was in Olivia's bed, that they had just had sex and that Olivia wasn't objecting to doing it again. She felt around on the bedside table for her phone where she had left it earlier and opened the app to hail a cab. It informed her the cab would be there in 15 minutes. She spent ten of those minutes watching the steady rise and fall of Olivia's chest as she breathed. Kissing the side of Olivia's head, she rose and turned off the bedside lamp, retrieved her jacket from behind the door and made her way out into the cool night air.

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Olivia groaned as the chiming of her phones text message tone woke her. She had put it on repeat so she didn't miss messages when she was on call. She smiled and pressed a finger to her lips, remembering the evening before as she checked the time on her phone. It was 4 a.m. Whoever was waking her they better have a dam good reason.

She read the text once and then sat up re-reading it to make sure she wasn't mistaking what she was reading. It was from Fin. It read,

Have you heard from Rollins? Dispatch called me just now. Sitter rang the prescient. Said she fell asleep around 1 a.m. when Amanda didn't show. She's just woken and there's no sign of her anywhere.

Olivia's heart was in her mouth and beating at a rate that was not compatible with breathing normally, causing a head rush that forced her to sit back down when she tried to stand up suddenly. Pulling up Fin's number she stayed seated as she rang him. He picked up on the first ring.

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A/N I am gona try and write this on the commute home from work every day but I don't always get the chance to; so as always, you'll need to be a bit patient with me, sorry. Hope you enjoyed that