Is it really possible for anyone to say that Castle Oblivion isn't like any other world? Each day the non-existent sun rises, the non-existent birds sing in the non-existent trees, the inorganic, non-existent people awaken and kick start the 'bustling' nature of the opposite-of-a-tourist-attraction that was known as The City That Never Was, and thirteen people living in a nonsensically large castle awaken and start their non-existent day.

Okay, so maybe it is possible for people to hate The World That Never Was.

And for that crashed semi truck, wedged haphazardly in between Memory's Skyscraper and a cheap Chinese take-out joint? Maybe having a fifteen-whore gang bang in the front seat of a moving vehicle wasn't the best idea, Xigbar.

Well, at least it didn't roll off into The Fucking Huge Gorge Beneath A Floating Castle Holy Crap! That Never Was. But that's a different story.

Anyway.

Maybe they drove away the citizens of The City That Never Was by blasting I Like To Move It just a little too loud for the non-living dead to handle.

Or maybe the last tourist just couldn't handle the thought of having a Creeper for a personal chauffer.

"Oh please hold on, sir, but I need to get a kiddy-sized driver's seat- I don't know about you, but I can't reach the pedals. I am humbly sorry for any inconvenience. Have a positively oblivious day."

Ahem.

But if there was one thing that the Organization learned, it was not to let Marluxia decorate. And to pick a more inconspicuous spot to hide a secret operations base- which isn't in the middle of a large field. Ditching the large 'Eat At Joe's' sign out in front of their castle was a step in the right direction as well.

House-shopping for a new Castle Oblivion must have been fun, to say the least.

"Oh yes, mister real estate agent, it needs to be so big that you need five cameras to photograph the whole thing, and it must be all white, and have upside-down hearts impaled on spiky crosses for windows. And it must be floating in a dark city that no one lives in anymore. Oh, and did I mention that it has to be beneath Kingdom Hearts?"

Have fun finding that on Go-Scout Homes.

Now, my friends, if I penned how much that sucker cost, it would certainly bump this word count up from 378 words to at least 15,000.

Oh, right. Can I assume that you were expecting an angst-ridden manuscript about how Axel is more into self-mutilation than the scary doctor-dude from Saw? The one who cut off his foot in order to shoot the poor photographer who was chained to a toilet? Good times, man. Remind me not to invite him to any birthday parties.

If you were expecting something dark, disturbing, angst-ridden and full of teenage love, hate, pleasure and pain, and are not willing to read anything other than the selection I have just mentioned, and will not bother to mention again, or if you are allergic to run-on sentences, you may as well give yourself a frontal lobotomy with a fork. Or you could hit the lovely little 'back' button, or whatever the hell Microsoft is programming there in its place, and leave.

But if you are persistent, then I shall reward you with a humorous, smut-filled, blatant, sarcastic and absolutely lame chapter story about Organization XIII.

But first, I shall drive this point home.

-Drives the Point Home, but gets jumped by fifteen whores, and runs that poor, over-abused semi truck into The Fucking Huge Gorge Beneath A Floating Castle Holy Crap! That Never Was-

Excuse the lame humor.

But I don't need to drive that point home again, do I? That damn point better get a drivers license.

Now, Organization XIII isn't the huge group of skinny men, and one random woman, who wear black coats, smoke Persian rugs in their spare time and get their asses kicked by a little brunette with his head stuffed halfway up his own ass most of the time- that they portrayed. No, that was only for theatrics- a false-front, shall I say. No, Organization XIII is as normal as any place in a world inside of Ansem's computer could be, provided that you realize that each member of the Organization could qualify for the Lunatic of the Year award.

Roxas- that poor, poor new kid. Someday, we pray, that he will accept that Organization XIII frequently parties and boozes themselves silly- which may-or-may-not have lead up to the semi-truck-into-the-gorge incident- and that Axel is the resident pole dancer slash whore who works on-the-house. Poor kid. We loved Roxas… really, we did.

Larxene, being the only woman, received almost no attention, providing that most of Organization XIII preferred to screw men as opposed to women. However, she keeps herself busy by regularly videotaping their exhibitionistic bedroom activities, which coincidentally, usually aren't in their bedrooms. That poor refrigerator was never the same after the nude art show went awry.

Marluxia, the poor, freaky botanist, AKA 'Mister Wonderful'. Although he is exceedingly buff, sexy and all-too exhibitionistic, he has tenancies to be a real self-centered asshole who has a horrible taste in interior decorating, and who finds agriculture invigorating. We haven't the heart to tell him that Vick's Vapor Rub does the same thing.

Luxord is the man who gambled away his last functioning brain cell a long time ago. He frequently smokes legal, illegal, organic, synthetic, Persian rugs, Creeper entrails and other various substances with Xaldin, Marluxia and Vexen, just for the hell of it. He also has a knack for failing miserably at strip poker. He is the songwriter for the infamous I Wanna Go Puke on Yo Momma's Lawn song, which goes something like this:

I wanna go puke on yo momma's lawn,

But a cop shot me,

Damn right, a cop shot me

Then Xigbar ran over Vexen with a steamroller.

After that point, however, the lyrics fade into Deck the Halls with Balls of Collies. Do note that the first song is sung to the tune of Milkshake, whilst the latter bears the tune of Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly.

Demyx has conflicting stupidity and maternal instincts. In plain text (But how is this text plain? You could be reading this in Algerian font… and honey, that sure as hell ain't plain), he likes to think of everyone except for the other Organization members as his children, and fills their heads with stupidity. He has a knack for adopting various nobodies, and he frequently laps into crying fits when he has to release the nobodies 'into the wild'. He likes for his 'children' to call him Auntie Demyx.

Axel is the most powerful man in Organization XIII, for one reason only.

Axel controls all of the sexual pleasure in the castle.

The man is a prostitute working for charity, and rarely ever sleeps alone. He's the resident pole dancer, stripper, dominatrix, bondage toy, Master and slave driver of the castle. However, despite current sexual situations, he is one of the most respected, and popular (For obvious reasons) in the castle. Did we mention that he's incredibly good looking, and he has a six-pack that could put John Basedow to shame? In his free time, Axel is actually quite sane… some of the time.

If there is an illegal substance, Saix either deals it, uses it, abuses it, tried it, smuggled it, or referred a friend to try it. He has some aggression issues and a sick infatuation with Vexen, and he has a tenancy to be very territorial. Taking his spot on the couch is not advisable. However, he has a large sweet tooth, and loves cookies.

Zexion is probably the sanest person in all of Oblivion, which is a statement to boast when you live with raving loonies. He prefers to read and chat with Axel, or lock himself in his room before Saix goes nuts because Marluxia won't let him watch Birds of North America vs. The Evil African Lions from Hell because he's watching the World Series.

Lexaeus is a cross dresser, no questions asked. He tries his hardest to be as girly as possible, despite his incompatible personality and physical build. He doesn't bother with the questionable antics of the other Organization members, and is lost in his own little pink, fluffy world.

Vexen is too skinny, too old, too crotchety, too much of an addict, and too masochistic for his own good- or for anyone else's good. If he's not working on an experiment, rambling to himself, almost overdosing on Vicodin, complaining, reading or begging Axel to discipline him… only his dead grandmother knows what he's doing. He also has control over that ever-controversial bulletin board that Zexion frequently gorges himself on post-it notes.

Xaldin scares the rest of the castle on a regular basis due to his nudist nature. He has a thing for pornography, and loves to share his collection of tasteful smut with the rest of the gang, much to their disapproval. He has a tenancy to state the obvious, repeat the repeated, and ask blunt questions to unsuspecting tourists- such as the Three Wise Men who got lost on their way to Bethlehem.

Xigbar is old. Older than Vexen. Older than cockroaches. Older than the adenovirus. Older than the custard in the back of the freezer. Okay, let's face it… Xigbar is old. He's rather moronic, insulting, blunt and obsessive, and he has really bad erectile dysfunction.

And as for that fifteen whore gang bang in the semi truck that almost ran over the Three Wise Men? He still has yet to comment on that.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the biggest buffoon in all of history.

We assume that Xemnas doesn't mean to be a bozo. Well, putting all of your energy into Kingdom Hearts, which Sora has proved to be LIGHT with the intention of causing DARKNESS wasn't necessarily the brightest idea. Also, verbally accosting Ansem while you could have been torturing Sora to the deepest depths of hell wasn't a get-up-and-go idea either.

No matter.

Xemnas is pretty stoic, other than his apparent need to run around in his boxers and a tank top.

Ahem.

Good to know, eh?

Now, you may be wondering why I just bored you by giving you all of this random information. Well, if you haven't had a reality check in the past five minutes- the amount of time I assume it took you to read this document- this is the beginning of a hilarious story about Organization XIII that you will review, alert and favorite for future reference.

Brainwashing… 5 complete.


Alrightey. Don't worry, there will be an interesting story for the next chapters… just had to get the introductions done. If not, my dear friends, how lost you would have been! Anyway, since you haven't committed suicide with a stick of Tollhouse cookie dough, I assume that you'll keep reading. Thank you, and have a positively oblivious day. -Xal