I Am... Akatsuki
By A Clockwork Pumelo
I Am... Zetsu
I've noticed that I've been really into writing about the Akatsuki lately, so I thought I'd do a series of excerpts from their point of view just for bricks and giggles. I got the Idea for Zetsu this morning in the shower, and I thought 'hmmmm... i wonder if Siamese twins have to share junk?'... Yeah, I know, I think about weird things. I'm kind of a weird person, but I make up for it by being cute and lovable and a good writer. Deidara's chapter will be next, so stay tuned!
I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS. KISHIMOTO DOES.
Hi. You look tasty. How much do you weigh?
Gah, shut up! This is supposed to be a diary! You're talking to a freaking tape recorder, in case your dumb a** didn't notice.
Fine, be an a** and do the stupid diary, but don't come whining to me when we're hungry tonight. It's almost time to go get the mail...
Hello, I'm Zetsu, and welcome to my greenhouse. Feel free to sit wherever you like, just not in my pot. Oh, and ignore the black half. He's a total idiot.
No, you're the only half of Zetsu that's an idiot. Get the hell out of my garden, or I'll eat you and feed the rest to my plants.
I thought we agreed as to who would be speaking here. This is a formal greeting, and who knows, others might be looking to join our ranks so would you just be quiet and let me make a good impression?
No, you shut up, cracker.
You shut up, n*****.
F*** you, don't call me that. It's 'cause I'm black, isn't it?
No, it's because you're already on your fourth mailman this year, baka.
Shut up you f****** racist. You know we both like them... lots of lean meat from walking around so much... mmmmm....
Sicko.
Fine dobe, be in denial. I'm going off to... fertilize the plants. Come here planty planty planty... Your leaves are so soft...
You f****** pedophile, that one's still a sapling! Honestly, you are just disgusting...
Not any more disgusting than you with your frying pan, always cooking perfectly bloody meat and adding powdered relatives to it.
It's called seasoning!
Come here babe, let me wash your needles for you...
That's last year's Christmas tree, baka.
So? It likes me...
It's dead, you f****** necrophiliac. [to the tree] Sorry, we really should get around to chipping you, you know, you'd make perfect mulch for the rose beds.
Not until I'm through with you...
I'm not gonna deal with you today.
[White Zetsu separates from black Zetsu, carries on conversation]
Anyways, let me take you into the flower room while he's... busy.
[In the flower room]
Aren't they pretty? They just really light up the place, don't they? [Nuzzles flower] Yes you do! Anyways, now that he's gone, I can talk freely. As you probably already know, I am the Akatsuki's best spy. I can merge freely with any natural material: Stone, plants, trees, etc. I like sunlight, and I keep plants for company much as you humans keep dogs or cats, only plants are more useful, and they never bark. I love all of my plants, and they love me back. They don't like black Zetsu, he does bad things to them...
[White Zetsu looks downcast]
I wish I could do something about it, but he's the one who gets our junk when we split. All I get is an extra bit of forehead, and it makes me look like that pink-haired bitch who killed Sasori. [sighs] Nothing is sacred... shoulda seen Black gnawing on the parts that were left like they were actual remains...
[Black Zetsu walks in]
Aww, is the d***less cracker baby crying again? You are so f****** pathetic, you know that?
[Black Zetsu merges with White Zetsu]
Ugh, shut up. You're starting to sound like that Sai person.
At least I'm not a f****** pussy like you.
At least I'm not a plant-molester like you.
You're just jealous, so f*** you.
No, f*** you.
You couldn't, even if you split.
See what I mean? He is a complete a******.
Hah, at least I have an a******.
That's not something to be proud of.
Like you have anything to be proud of, d***less.
I'm talking to Pein about this. Seriously, I'm not taking this s***.
[White Zetsu separates, stomps out of greenhouse]
So, it's just you and me, huh? You look really tasty...
[Author runs and hides]
