Chapter One: In Love
"Oh come on Doctor, they're just in love," said Clara smiling. "They'd just been reunited!"
"Yeah, well it'd be nice if they could have done more "reuniting" once they got off the TARDIS," grumbled the Doctor. They'd just dropped off two Swampies that had been separated by their warring families for years. The Doctor had spent the better part of an hour trying to get them home as quickly as possible and clearing his throat repeatedly in the hopes that they would break apart from their snog for a few minutes.
"Have you always been such a prude?" Clara asked.
"Yes," he said not really listening. Then he realized what she said. "No! What? I'm not a prude!" he exclaimed and started fiddling with the TARDIS controls.
"You so are! Look at you! All flustered!" she teased.
"I don't care what they were doing! I just didn't want to see it on my TARDIS!" the Doctor insisted. He straightened his bow tie in indignation.
"Prude," she said nudging his arm with hers. He shot her a look and stayed silent.
Clara walked around the console, brushing her fingers against all the controls she didn't understand. She'd been wanting to ask him a question but she hadn't known how or when to bring it up. She wondered if this was a good enough transition. She glanced around to the other side of the console where he was still fiddling with a switch. He looked calm enough. At least from what she could tell. There was still so much she didn't know about this man; this daft, wonderful, ridiculous man. Or rather, alien to be precise. She wanted to know more so she took a leap,
"Have you ever been in love, Doctor?"
The Doctor's head whipped up and she saw a darkness cross his face that she only rarely saw when his normally excited, exuberant personality was drowned out by something particularly devastating on one of their adventures. He quickly hid his expression behind a mask of calm and looked back down at the controls.
"Yes, I have," he said in a low, heavy voice. She'd only heard his voice get like that when he talked about his home planet, Gallifrey, which was not often. She wondered if it was connected.
"Was she from…your home?" Clara asked tentatively. She really didn't want to see the pain that crossed his face at its name.
"No," the Doctor said. Clara nodded and was suddenly too afraid to press him further. Judging by his reactions and answers thus far, it was not a story that ended happily. She decided to drop it and was about to apologize.
"She was human," he said suddenly, not looking up from the console.
"Oh?" said Clara quietly. She kicked herself. What a stupid answer, she thought. She wanted to ask more but she was entirely unsure what to do. She swallowed and said meekly, "What, um, what was her name?"
The Doctor moved to the side and started fiddling with a new set of buttons that he hoped Clara didn't realize were doing nothing. He clicked them loudly, trying to block out a memory of a similar conversation.
That friend of yours. What was her name?
"Rose," he heard himself say aloud, as well as in his head in his previous regeneration's voice. "Her name was Rose." He could feel Clara's eyes on him but he wouldn't look up.
"Can…Can I ask what happened to her?" Clara asked quietly.
"Well you're going to anyway so why not?" he said sharply, glaring at her. Take a breath, Doctor, he scolded himself. He looked down to see that his hands were shaking. Why, why does this always have to come up? He thought with frustration. He could almost accept what happened because she's happy if people didn't keep bringing it up. It wasn't fair! He steadied himself by leaning his hands on the console.
"I'm sorry-," Clara began.
"No, no, I'm sorry, Clara," the Doctor interjected more calmly. He looked at her and saw the compassion in her eyes and the fiery curiosity behind it and gave her a small smile. He stepped back from the console and looked up to the very top of the TARDIS without seeing any of it.
"I suppose…it's…it's a bit complicated really," he said finally, eyes locked firmly upward. Then suddenly he was hit with a flash of memories so strong he felt he'd fall to his knees with the intensity of them.
He saw it. He saw the basement at Henrik's like it was happening at this moment. He saw the girl close her eyes while the mannequin raised its hand above her. He felt his hand slip into hers and saw her look at him for the first time and felt the warmth spread into his chest and heard himself say in that Northern accent, "Run."
…
I'm the Doctor by the way, what's your name?
Rose. Her voice. So clear in his head. It was so beautiful.
Nice to meet you Rose, run for your life!
…
My planet's gone. I'm left traveling on my own 'cause there's no one else.
There's me.
…
He saw the Gelth. He could hear them. Then he grabbed her hand and looked at her and couldn't see or hear anything else. I'm so glad I met you.
Me too. He saw her smile. Her smile.
I want you safe, my Doctor.
…
I was going to take you to so many places…
The Doctor suddenly felt like one of his hearts had stopped and he gasped and jerked back to reality. He was shaking all over now and there was a burning in his eyes and throat. He saw Clara step towards him, hand outstretched but he stepped back.
"Sorry, felt a bit dizzy. 'Must've been the TARDIS. I'll check to see we're still on the right course," he said quickly, trying to brush off it all off. The pain, Clara's worry, all the memories.
Clara put her hand down and nodded. She knew that was the end of the discussion. She wanted to rush up and hug him but something stopped her and she couldn't quite place what it was. She just knew he needed space.
"I'll, um, be in my room," she said softly and left without a glance back.
The Doctor nodded without looking up and kept fiddling with the controls. When he knew she was gone, he let out a breath and put his weight against the console. Come on, you stupid old man, she's happy. Move on, he told himself. He clutched his head and tried to shake away the image of her smile and the sound of her voice so clearly in his head. He kicked the console and winced at the pain.
"Sorry old girl," he whispered and stroked the TARDIS. He felt it hum in sympathy. He patted her again and said, "We'll be alright. We're always alright."
