DISCLAIMER: I do not own ANYTHING in this fanfiction. I do not own Resident Evil or any of its characters. Any of the products mentioned in this fanfiction do not belong to me. They belong to their respective owners.
Chapter 1
Chris is driving through Africa in his jeep with the song "I'm a Barbie Girl" blasting loudly through his CD player.
Chris (singing loudly and completely off key): I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WOOORRLD! LIFE IN PLASTIC…IS FANTASTIC! YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR! UNDRESS ME EVERYWHERE! BLAH, BLAH, I FORGET THE WORDS, UM IMAGINATION…MY IMAGINATION! COME ON BARBIE LETS GO PARTY! OH! OH! OH YEAH!
Chris drives until he finally arrives at his destination. Before Chris gets out of the car he continues jamming loudly to "Barbie Girl".
Chris: I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WORLD! LIFE IN PLASTIC…IS FANTASTIC!
Chris (jiggling his chest): I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WORLD!
All of a sudden, a beautiful African woman approaches him.
Chris: OH SHIT!
Chris starts frantically trying to put off the CD player but he accidentally increases the volume of the song.
I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN A BARBIE WORLD!
Chris: Oh shit, oh shit!
Sheva is still looking confused.
Finally Chris turns off the CD, ejects it and throws it out the car. A cat is heard screaming.
Chris (smiling sheepishly): Hey. I don't know how that song got on my CD player. My kid sister probably left it in the car. I wouldn't be listening to such a girlie song! But my sister would listen to a song like that, because it's a girlie song and she's a girl.
Sheva: ...
Chris: I got nothing but manly songs! You know some Lil Wayne, some NWA, some Drake, you know what I'm saying? Lets see here…
Chris gets out a CD from his CD bag and pops it in the CD player.
OH GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN! OH GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN!
Chris frantically changes to the next track
CALIFORNIA GIRLS! WE'RE UNFORGETTABLE! DAISY DUKES BIKINIS ON TOP! SUNKISSED SKIN, SO HOT WE'LL MELT YOUR POPSICLE! OH OH OH OHHHHHH! OH OH! OHHHHHHHH!
Chris changes to the next track
DON'T CHA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME? DON'T YA WISH YOUR GIRLFRIEND WAS A FREAK LIKE ME? DON'T CHA? DON'T CHA BABY? DON'T CHA?
Chris puts off the CD and there is an awkward silence. Chris gets out of the car, completely embarrassed and walks up to her.
Chris: Well that was…humiliating to say the least..oh wait a minute! You're African! You don't speak English! Lucky me! That means you didn't understand the words of any of those songs.
Sheva: Um…
Chris (Loudly): NICE TO MEET YOU! MY NAME IS CHRIS. CHRIS! (He touches his chest as he says this) CHRIS! YOU UNDERSTAND? MY NAME CHRIS! YOU ARE?
Sheva (looking more perplexed than before)
Chris: ME, CHRIS, CHRIS! YOU?
Chris puts his hand on her boobs.
Chris: AND YOU? YOUR NAME? Ooo, nice boobs.
Sheva gets so enraged and grabs his wrist. She twists it and throws him on the ground.
Chris: Owie!
Sheva: I CAN SPEAK ENGLISH YOU FUCKING, IGNORANT ASSHOLE! AND IF YOU FUCKING TOUCH ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, THAT WILL BE THE LAST THING YOU EVER FUCKING TOUCH!
Chris: Damn, you're so angry...that's hot. You wanna have like angry sex?
Sheva: What the? What the fuck is wrong with you?
Chris: Well, I tend to cry after I finish having sex, but that's because I get so emotional you know? Sex is such a beautiful thing. But I'm trying not to cry after sex anymore. So I'll keep that in mind after we finish boning.
Sheva: What? No I meant what's wrong with you in general?
Chris: Well, I have had this rash on my ass for a few days now. I think I got bit by a bug.
Sheva: You know what, whatever. I can't believe that you of all people are going to help me save the world from bioterrorism. Do they just hire any idiot now?
Chris: Hey! I'm not an idiot! I am offended. Ooo! Is that a monkey? Hey monkey!
Monkey jumps on Chris' face and starts scratching him.
Chris: OH SHIT! GET THIS LITTLE SHIT OFF ME! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Sheva: Oh this is going to be a long mission.
