NARRATOR
When we last left our hero...yada yada yada... We join our hero in the space bank.

SPARKS NEVADA
My point is that it's important to have your own bank account, to keep your money safe.

CROACH THE TRACKER
I still do not fully comprehend the necessity of the human concept designated money. Why not simply share resources equally in order to prevent rampant societal inequality?

SPARKS
Well, where have you been keeping your money until now? How do you keep it safe from robbers and the like?

CROACH
I do not have any. When I worked for you, my only payment was a reduction in my onus. And in my tribe, currency was unnecessary.

Sound Effect: Space doors whoosh open and closed.

PRYAN THE RADIO REPAIRER
Croach the Tracker!

KRITUG THE HAIR DRESSER
Our initial offspring!

PRYAN
We had been informed that you were currently located in this establishment, and it appears that that information is indeed accurate in regards to both geography and chronology.

CROACH
Parental units! I was unaware of your proximity to my current location. What is your purpose in searching for me?

KRITUG
We had heard that you have found a mate, so we have come to get accurate information from the original source: you.

PRYAN
Upon finding the accurate information, we will then express either our approval or disapproval of the unification as the case may be.

CROACH
I see. Unfortunately, my unification with the Red Plains Rider was short lived as well as disastrous.
Despite multiple attempts at successful mating, I was unable to achieve physical satisfaction while engaging in our premarital couplings.

SPARKS
Gross.

CROACH
While she may have been satisfied with our physical interactions, the sensations were not mutually experienced.

PRYAN
Actually, the being that you were rumored to have unified with is supposedly designated PARKS-neh-vee-DAH.

SPARKS
Wait, what? Sparks Nevada?

CROACH
That is not accurate.

SPARKS
Yeah, we're not mating or unified or anything like that. Martians are gross, no offense.

KRITUG
I am concerned at the inaccuracy in our information.

CROACH
Parental units, let me introduce you to my coworker, Sparks Nevada. I was assigned to him to fulfill our tribe's onus. Sparks Nevada, let me introduce you to my female progenitor Pryan the Radio Repairer, and my male progenitor Kritug the Hair Dresser.

SPARKS
Wait, your dad is a hair dresser?
That explains a lot.

CROACH
Yes. The Being you would designate as my "dad" is the only hair dresser in my tribe. Wielding his Space Hair Dryer and his Comb of Serenity, he rights the hairstyle wrongs on Mars.

KRITUG
I am pleased to make your acquaintance, Sparks Nevada, Faithful Human Companion of Croach the Tracker.

SPARKS
Actually, you can just call me Marshal Nevada.

KRITUG
Marshal Nevada? You mean you are the marshal for this, the planet of Mars.

SPARKS
Yep. I protect everything on this planet, includin' space banks.

KRITUG
Ah, so you keep this planet safe by enforcing building codes to make sure the structures are safe from mars-quakes and space fires.

SPARKS
No.
You're thinking of Andrew Goodstein, the Fire Marshal on Mars.

PRYAN
That makes sense. Sparks would be a terrible name for a fire marshal.

SPARKS
Anyway, for the record, I did try to pay Croach with human money, but he would only accept onus credit.

CROACH
This is correct.

SPARKS
Hey, while you guys are here, do you have any embarrassin' stories from when Croach was growin' up?

KRITUG
You mean something that caused great shame.

SPARKS
Yeah, sure.

PRYAN
Well, there was one incident when Croach was a youngling.

SPARKS
This is gonna be good.

PRYAN
He was invited over to a peer's place of residence for an overnight observance of community in order to congratulate his peer on surviving another cycle on this planet.

SPARKS
So, a birthday party sleepover.

KRITUG
Yes. In the middle of the night, Croach began to show emotion.

SPARKS
So, did you have to go pick him up cuz he was afraid of being away from home overnight?

CROACH
Not exactly.

PRYAN
While at the party, Croach imbibed a large amount of the human beverage designated hot cocoa. It was a rare delicacy at the time, and Croach's peer had obtained some. After numerous rounds of cocoa, he began to sing.

CROACH
But only for a brief period of time.

SPARKS
Wait, that's your embarrassin' story? The most shameful experience when Croach was growin' up was singing at a birthday party?

CROACH
Yes, what could be more shameful than that?

Sound Effect: Space bank doors swoosh open and closed.

ROBERTA
(heavy Spanish accent)
Everyone is to put their hands up!

PHILLIPINA
(heavy Spanish accent)
Si!

HAROLD
(heavy Spanish accent)
Jes!

KRITUG
Oh, my.

ROBERTA
This is a space bank robbery.

CROACH
Well, now my money is truly safe from being stolen, now that it is in the space bank, which is currently being robbed.

SPARKS
Why don't you just shut up, chorus-boy.

CROACH
I do not understand that designation.

Sound Effect: Gun hammer clicking uselessly.

SPARKS
Hey, why won't my laser six-shooter work?

Sound Effect: A couple more clicks. Even more useless.

ROBERTA
Ha ha, Sparks Nevada! We have come prepared for dealing with you: we have brought this laser-gun-disabling-science-gun.

PHILLIPINA
It is a science gun that disables laser guns.

SPARKS
Yeah, I got that from the name.
But, wait, who are you guys?

ROBERTA
We are Las Piratas Mutantas, and I am their leader, Roberta! And this is Phillipina, and this is Harold.
We are a roving band of space pirates, and we will rob any bank we please! Also, we have thick Latina accents, for some reason.

CROACH
Are you a spin-off of Los Banditos Mutantes?

HAROLD
NO!

PHILLIPINA
No, no! Los Banditos Mutantes are a spin-off of us!

KRITUG
But I heard that Los Banditos claim that you are spin-off of them.

ROBERTA
No, that is backwards.

HAROLD
Posers.

ROBERTA
Anyway, Marshal Nevada, you will not be able to shoot your laser guns on account of our Laser-Gun-Disabling-Device.

PHILLIPINA
Marshal, please drop your laser six-shooter on the floor.

Sound Effect: Laser six-shooter being dropped on the wooden floor.

ROBERTA
Now, do you have any other weapons of which we should know, Sparks Nevada?

SPARKS
No, just that six-shooter there.

PHILLIPINA
Then, you would not mind if we fri-isk you.

ROBERTA
Harold, if you will.

SPARKS
Wait, what, no! Hey, I wouldn't hide anything there. And like I said, I don't have any more weapons.

Sound effects: Various items being dropped on the floor as...

PHILLIPINA
Then what about this second laser six-shooter?

SPARKS
I forgot I had that one.

PHILLIPINA
And this pair of robot fists?

HAROLD
Pow!

SPARKS
I consider those to be more like enhancers of my natural strength rather than offensive weapons in themselves.

PHILLIPINA
And your astro-spurs?

SPARKS
Those are more of a ... fashion accessory, than a...

ROBERTA
And the rest of you's? Have any of you any space weapons or strength enhancers? Or ... fashion accessories?

CROACH
Yes, I have this space gun.

KRITUG
Here is my hair dryer, which I use for my job as my tribe's hair dresser. I am the only hair dresser in my tribe.

PRYAN
I have a few tools in my radio repair kit, which I use for my job as my tribe's only radio repairer. They could possibly be utilized as makeshift weapons.

SPARKS
Guys, you don't have to tell them the truth.

KRITUG
Yes, we do.

PRYAN
We come from the tribe of Martians that never lies.

SPARKS
You don't say.

PHILLIPINA
Croach the Tracker, please put your space gun on the floor, but you two may keep your tools and hair dryer. Unless we require a radio to be repaired or some hair to be dressed.

CROACH
Sparks Nevada, I am glad they are not making us do what that Space-Crazy Preacher made us do in episode 6.

PRYAN
What did he make you do?

CROACH
He forced us to show him our feet.

KRITUG
So, you have shown Sparks Nevada your feet?

PRYAN
The showing of feet is the most sacred bonding ritual between non-platonic partners.

SPARKS
Hey, no, it wasn't like that. No.

CROACH
It was not in a sexual context, but I did show my feet to Sparks Nevada.

SPARKS
And we were at gunpoint. That's a very important point to mention. You know, the gunpoint part.

CROACH
Yes, we were being threatened by a space-crazy preacher who had a space rifle and a detonator for space dynamite. To prevent dishonor from being brought upon me, our tribe, even the great nah-NO-tech, I chose to display my feet.

SPARKS
It's just nanotech. And I thought we agreed to never talk about that again.

CROACH
I agreed to not bring it up within the context of an unrelated conversation. I did not agree to lie when asked a clarifying question in response to a vague reference I made to the event in question. I am from the tribe of Martians that never lies.
I also required that Sparks Nevada stimulate my egg-sacs in order to display my feet.

SPARKS
Okay, that was uncalled for. You don't have to tell everyone every little detail about everything you know. Can we just focus on the situation on hand?

PRYAN
Well, I have a relevant question...

SPARKS
Thank God.

PRYAN
...how are the guns held by Los Bandito Mutantes able to work? Doesn't the laser-gun-disabling-science-gun disable all nearby laser guns?

PHILLIPINA
We are using offensive weapons which were used on Earth in ancient times. They are known as...bullet guns.

CROACH
Ba gropa, I have heard of those.

ROBERTA
Now, we require that the space bank vault be opened for us! Where is the space bank tellador?

SPARKS
Not here.

CROACH
But he will return within a quarter of an hour.

SPARKS
Croach!

ROBERTA
Then we will all of us await his imminent return. Hey, what are you doing, Marshal Nevada?

CROACH
Sparks Nevada is pressing the alarm button that is located near the bank teller desk.

SPARKS
Come on!

ROBERTA
Marshal Nevada, you have made an unwise decision, considering you are being robbed by Las Piratas Mutantas!

PHILLIPINA/HAROLD
Jes!

ROBERTA
For if reinforcements do arrive, Las Piratas Mutantas will not surrender without a fight, or at the very least a space hostage siege.

SPARKS
Takin' space hostages will only increase the amount of trouble y'all are in with the law. Just walk out of this space bank right now, and I'll let you off easy. But if you harm me or my deputy or ...

ROBERTA
As we have just said, no!

PRYAN
Observe how Marshal Nevada is very protective of our son.

KRITUG
Yes, they obviously have deep feelings for each other.

SPARKS
What?

ROBERTA
Harold, Phillipina, please go and blockade the back doors to this bank.

HAROLD/PHILLIPINA
Aye, aye, Roberta.

ROBERTA
I will stay with the space hostages.

Sound effect: Harold and Phillipina walk away to secure the back doors.

ROBERTA
Now, I wish to offer my opinion on the relationship between the marshal and his Martian.

Music: Sweet and sorrowful music begins to play.

SPARKS
Wait, what?

ROBERTA
It is true that I am, right now, roving wild and free across the red plains of this planet, stealing and robbing as I please. But my hearts have been taken captive by one of Los Banditos Mutantes. (We are mutants, so we have more than one heart.)

SPARKS
Sure.

ROBERTA
Our mutant gangs are rivals, but despite our differences, my love for Sklor cannot be denied. My hearts long for his hearts, my other body parts long for his other body parts, and my flesh longs for his flesh.

SPARKS
I didn't need to know that...

ROBERTA
And yet, I, the Dread Pirate Roberta, can never be with a member of a rival mutant gang. Sklor, Sklor, why four art thou Sklor? Be thankful, Marshal and Martian, that external forces beyond your control have not kept the two of you's apart. Be thankful that you are not star-crossed lovers, like Sklor and I.

Sound effect: Harold and Phillipina returning.

HAROLD
We have secured the rear door of this establishment.

PRYAN
Well, secure this!

PHILLIPINA
Wait, why do those two Martians have their tools of trade out?

Sound effect: Hair dryer comes on and something clangs.

ROBERTA
Ow! You have stabbed me in my gun hand with one of your radio repair tools! And why are you pointing your hair dryer at me?

KRITUG
Because Martian hair dryers emit gamma radiation, which reverses the polarity of Martian hair follicles and also disables any nearby laser-gun-disabling-science-guns.

PRYAN
Sparks, Croach! Now's your chance!

Sound effect: Laser guns being shot.

ROBERTA
You have shot my arm that is holding my space gun! I will have to replace it with a hook.

PHILLIPINA
You have done the same to my own arm. It is also the same arm that was holding my gun.

HAROLD
And I am in the same situation.

ROBERTA
How will I ever caress my beloved Sklor when I will have only a hook to stroke his succulent flesh?

SPARKS
I don't care. And, that is too much information.

KRITUG
We did it!

SPARKS
Yeah, I did it. You're welcome. Anyway, Croach, how about you and your parentgeniters...

CROACH
It's pro-genitors.

SPARKS
Whatever. ...how about y'all go down to the space saloon. I'm going to take Las Piratas down to the marshal station and put 'em in el jailador.

PHILLIPINA
That is not correct Space-spañol. Do you even speak Space-spañol?

NARRATOR
Later, at the Space saloon.

Music: Pleasant Western-style saloon background music.

Sound effect: Space saloon doors whoosh open and closed.

BARKEEP
So Marshal, I hear you helped foil a space bank robbery. In thanks for keeping trouble out of our town, and thus out of my place, have one on the house.

Sound effect: Glass of beer being slid down the counter.

SPARKS
Thanks Barkeep. Yep, it was a tough day, but I won, because I'm ... from Earth. Yeah, I shot all of the Piratas.

CROACH
Actually, it was through teamwork and creative use of work-related tools that we managed to...

SPARKS
First I disabled the science-gun that was disablin' my laser gun, then I shot all the Piratas so they couldn't shoot at us. It was epic. But there is no need to thank me. Anyway...

PRYAN
Sparks Nevada...

SPARKS
Present.

PRYAN
...Croach the Tracker...

CROACH
Yes?

PRYAN
I have been in a discussion with my marital counterpart, and we have come to a conclusion.

KRITUG
It is true that same-sex couplings are rare in our culture, seeing as they do not result in offspring. However, we have decided to be accepting of this union.

SPARKS
Wait, it's like I told you. We ain't in any type a union or any...

KRITUG
In addition, I can see how you would be physically attracted to a man such as this: chiseled jaw, piercing blue eyes, erect posture.

SPARKS
Well, I mean, yeah. But...

KRITUG
He carries himself with such great arrogance, completely out of proportion to his actual abilities.

SPARKS
What? Hey!

PRYAN
What we are trying to say, to both of you, is that whether or not the two of you recognize the functionality and efficiency of your partnership, we grant our approval of your union.

SPARKS
Seriously?

CROACH
While your understanding of our partnership is erroneous, I am appreciative of your support.

SPARKS
Whatever.

PRYAN
It has been good to get an accurate update on your status, Croach the Tracker. And now it is time for us to return to our primary location of residency.

KRITUG
Farewell, our initial offspring. And farewell, to you, Sparks Nevada, faithful human companion of Croach the Tracker.

SPARKS
No, I told you: I go by my marshal title.

KRITUG
My apologies. Farewell, Sparks Nevada, Fire Marshal on Mars.

Sound effect: Space saloon doors whoosh open and closed.

SPARKS
Actually, it's just Marshal ... but they're gone.
Well Croach, it looks like it's just me and you again.

CROACH
Yes.

SPARKS
Wanna have a beer with me?

CROACH
Yes.

Music: Conclusion music starts up.

NARRATOR
Is this the end of Sparks Nevada!?

SPARKS
Why does he always say that?

NARRATOR
What dangers lurk on the horizon of the red planet for our peril-prone pair. Find out next month, in another excitin' episode titled "Why the Oblong Face?"