"What are you doing?" your mother asks as you lay on your bed, holding a pillow as tightly to your body as possible even with your growing baby bump in the way.
"I'm sulking mother. Can't you see that?" You hear a scoff in the background and you squeeze the pillow tighter, hoping to alleviate some of the frustration you're feeling toward your mother without actually alleviating that frustration by strangling her.
"Sulking? About what? About Milos? Rafael? Killing Ivan?" you quietly mumble that she was the one who killed him but what good would that bring if you said it louder so she could hear?
"I'm not sulking about any of that. Even though I should be. My life is a complete mess and you're responsible for more than half of it." You close your eyes and try to even out your breathing because just thinking about all of the things going on in your life makes you panic and you want to make sure you're not adding any more stress to the babies. You hear your mother sit in one of the chairs in your room and you can feel her eyes on you; it feels as though she's trying to rip you apart to see what was bothering you. Not in a motherly way though. Never in a motherly way. At one point, you hear a scoff of disbelief and a cackle coming from where your mother was sitting. And then the cackle gets louder and louder until you sit up and glare at her, not sure why she's laughing but it puts you on edge either way. You look at her and raise your eyebrows expectantly, but she just laughs even more.
"Mother, what is so funny?!
"You! You are!"
"What? What are you talking about?"
"You are sulking because of that girl. You are sulking because you did not get to go out on your date with Jane." The way your mother says date and how she says Jane's name makes your skin crawl and your anger raises more than what would be considered good for the babies. You stand up and you feel dizzy for a second but you regain your composure and you look your mother straight in her eyes, your cheeks flushed and your heart beating loudly against your chest making it almost uncomfortable for you to breathe.
"How dare you laugh at that? Because of you, I lost my only chance at starting a friendship with her."
"Just a friendship? Or do you want something more?" The gleam in your mother's eyes does not make matters any better and you hate that she can see right through you.
"That is none of your concern. I like Jane and I wanted her around but because of you, I've lost her."
"Eh, she's not worth it."
"No, Mother. That's where you're wrong. She's worth it. She's worth everything." You say the last part quieter than you intended. It sort of hits you in that moment that no matter what, your life is apparently going to be crazy. And your mother doesn't seem to be leaving your life anytime soon so why should you deny yourself this one chance at semi-happiness because of her? You smile to yourself and give a little nod before grabbing your purse and heading towards the door.
"Where are you going?"
"To fix things with Jane. Don't wait up, mother." You distinctly hear her yell that Jane was never going to go for a woman, much less you, but that still doesn't stop the smile from spreading on your face or your determination toward at least getting Jane to be your friend.
So trying to get someone to be your friend after you basically tell them you don't want a friendship with them? Yeah not as easy as you might have thought. You've been standing in front of Jane's door for about five minutes now, pacing back and forth while mumbling different ways you can say hello.
"Hey Jane. Long time no see…no that's stupid. You saw her three hours ago. Uhh. What's up, Jane? Oh god no. That's even worse. Maybe I could knock and then get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. No, that won't work. That'll hurt my knees. Oh, I should have brought something. Like flowers. Oh no. I need flowers!" You dart your eyes around frantically, trying to see if you could pluck a random flower from the ground when the door suddenly swings open and you see Jane's mother, Xiomara, standing there with her arms crossed across her chest.
"Oh hello. Is umm…is Jane around?" You ask, definitely nervous but you make sure that you don't show it. At least you think you don't show it. Xiomara rolls her eyes and shakes her head slightly but there's no malice in her actions when she lets you in and tells you Jane is in her room. You walk slowly, trying to collect your thoughts and calm your breathing because again, none of this must be good for the babies. You're about to walk into Jane's room when you see her rocking Mateo, her back to you and small whispers and kisses are being given to his little head and you just stop. You stop and you admire the sight before you. And you swear your heart grew twice as big and so did your smile. You don't remember when the exact moment it was when you fell in love with Jane Villanueva but right now, you will remember this moment as the time when you fell for her a little more. Jane slowly turns around and she sees you, and your eyes go wide and you take a step back out of pure instinct while she just stares at you with an incredulous look on her face.
"Petra, what are you doing here? And why are you just standing there?" Suddenly, it dawns on you that Jane asked you a question and you know that you have to answer but nothing comes out. "Listen, Petra. I don't know why you're here but I'm not really in the mood for whatever this is. You made it perfectly clear you didn't want anything to do with me so if you'll please excuse me…" Jane said, while putting Mateo in his crib. That springs you into action because this was not how everything was supposed to go. You weren't supposed to stand like an idiot and not saying anything to the girl you love.
"I lied" you quickly say and you notice that Jane straightens up a bit more at that but she does not turn around to face you.
"I lied. A friendship with you is worth it. You are worth it. You're….everything" Okay, well you didn't want to say that last part but I guess you got too caught up in the moment. Jane still hasn't turned around so you panic and then the word vomit starts to come out.
"My life is a mess, Jane. I artificially inseminated myself with a turkey baster and now I'm having twins. The father of said twins wants nothing to do with me because he doesn't love me anymore but he is irrevocably in love you, not that I blame him. I'm married to a crazy man who filled my room with grenades which I threw out with my mother because I didn't want to be a part of his dirty work. And my mother. Oh god, my mother. She lost an eye and her hand because I made her help me get rid of the grenades and then she goes and kills Ivan. And because of that, I didn't come to our date and I told you it wasn't worth it trying to pursue a friendship with you because she had him in a wheelchair right behind you. A dead man in a wheelchair, Jane! Can you believe it? And I covered all of this up because she's my mother, Jane, and I'm supposed to help her because she's my blood but she's no good. I thought I needed her but all she does is bad things and then she drags me down with her." Your breathing is now erratic and you know you have to slow down so you sit on her bed and you place your head in your hands.
"I'm just so tired, Jane. Tired of feeling guilty, of feeling sad. The only moment when I was truly happy was when you said yes to lunch. And I threw any chance of being your friend away by making you think you weren't worth it." You don't know when you started crying but you feel a wetness on your cheeks that you know isn't supposed to be there. A long silence ensues, the only sound is Mateo's small snores that seem to echo throughout the room. You think you've really blown it now but at least Jane knows the truth and a weight seems to have been lifted off your shoulders that you didn't even know was possible. A weight is suddenly on the bed next to you and you turn to see Jane looking at you, those deep brown eyes conveying so much sympathy that you feel like you need to look away. But she grabs your cheeks with both of her hands and wipes your tears with her thumbs. You give her a shaky smile and you place your hands on top of hers and you just stare at her while she stares back.
"Thank you" she says finally, slowly moving her hands away from your face but before you can put your hands on your lap, she grabs them and interlaces your fingers together.
"For what?" you say breathlessly, not looking at her face as you stare at your interlocked hands. You hear her laugh so you look up and you see a small smirk on her face, letting you know she caught you staring at your joined hands.
"For finally telling the truth. I mean, phew…it's a lot to take in, Petra, but at least you told me."
"I told you I'm a mess" you say with a humorless chuckle.
"You're not a mess. You just have messy things going on in your life" she says with a small smile and a squeeze to your hand and you can't help but let out a relieved chuckle at what she said.
"How about we start over, huh? We'll try our hand at a friendship. But no more letting your mother come between us. Now she's the epitome of a mess but we'll figure out what to do with her later. Right now, let's focus on us. What do you think?" Your eyes are a little wide and a little watery and your face must show how incredulous and flabbergasted you must feel because Jane just laughs again and your feel your body get all warm and tingly just from hearing that wonderful sound.
"Are you actually giving me another chance?" You say quietly while looking at her.
"Yes. I'm giving you, well us, another shot at being friends. And maybe something more." She looks at you then and you realize she knows. And your heart sinks but then it raises back up and thumps more loudly than before because she said that maybe you two could be something more.
"Something more? Really?" You can't stop the smile spreading across your face and when she leans in and kisses you on the cheek while saying 'really, really', you can't stop but think that you're going to do everything you can to make Jane yours. No matter who tries to get in your way, you're not letting go of this second chance at happiness with the girl you fell madly in love with.
