Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight.


You wanna know why I'm here, waiting in front of the library doors when I really should be studying for my Physics final next week?

More than likely you don't. When have you ever cared, really? And, more importantly, why would you?

No matter. I am here, thinking, hoping beyond what is possible, and wanting what I shouldn't. My feet hurt from the cold. Cheap-ass boots that look great but wear terribly.

"Hey, Ben, wait up!" yells a girls when she leaves-yelling to her boyfriend, or loved one, or tonight's hookup. I don't know; it's hard to tell nowadays.

And then you walk out. My heart flips just a bit.

But then you walk down the stairs, not minding the girl now standing behind you. You're leaving me.

"Hey, Edward!"

"Huh?" You look! "Oh. Hey, Bella. What's up?" I walk to you, you walk to me, and the not awkward thing is that we end up talking.

I say, "Hey, I was just going to the library. You?"

I'm thinking of kissing you, even though I've never given any indication of wishing so. Is this bad?

You say, "Back to my dorm. Jasper and I are gonna eat, then maybe try to study."

What you're wearing really intimidates me. The clothes aren't the problem, really. It's more you that intimidates me and scares me and keeps pushing my mind to dream. As if I can maybe wear your dark gray jacket someday, or rummage through your messenger bag and rifle through your papers, your notes, your life.

"Yeah, finals week is gonne be hell," I comment.

"Tell me about it," you say, smiling.

The thing is, I do want to tell you about it. You shouldn't be left in the dark. You should know how I feel, know why I keep thinking you're the best guy there is, the handsomest, the kindest, the smartest, the sweetest…

"But hey, at least the semester's finally over, right? Can't wait to get home after this." Then I can't think hard and speak at the same time. I'm just thinking: you you you.

"I know. What are you doing for break?"

Are you asking because you're polite? Or can you maybe turn that politeness into something else?

"Just staying at home, work part-time maybe. You?"

"A little of the same, except with a snowboard trip thrown in."

I am becoming obsessed with looking at you.

"Wow."

And then I stumble upon words to say.

"Yeah, so, I'll see you around 'kay? I don't want to keep you from studying."

I agree. "OK. Good luck on your finals!"

Walking away from this is easier than I thought. Must be from all the practice I've had.

I look back. You're walking away, much farther than I expected. Something hurts, but I tell myself that nothing's even happened. I go to the library and sit in one isolated desks, the one that overlooks all the students walking. Here I am, hoping to see you.

My textbook and my laptop sit right in front of me, and, knowing that I have a lot of homework to do, still I face toward the window. I look toward the grass and I feel giddy when I see you walk with your friend Jasper.

I have become a most passive stalker, in the least creepy sense. It occurs to me that I've been here for hours.

Have I accomplished anything? No. My stomach just growls loudly, and I ache as I shy away from the metaphor of emptiness.

My phone vibrates. It's my dad. I get up, fix my stuff, and leave.

"Dad?" I call him again.

"Bella, hey, what time are you coming home?"

Today's a Friday. Huh. Didn't even notice.

"Oh, yeah, I might be home a little late, sorry I just got busy with studying." And looking at a certain boy's face.

"OK, just be sure to get home before it gets too cold. See you then, bye."

I walk back to my dorm, passing by all the buildings and the people. Everything is quiet and biting cold. My feet are starting to hurt again. I head for one last pit stop, one more detour that is sort of spontaneous but probably subconsciously determined.

My friend Alice's. I know we're only freshmen, all of us, but I know there's a party near her dorm. There's always a party somewhere there, and everyone's always invited.

Do I feel nervous? Boy, do I. When I knock on Alice's door all I think about is dropping off my stuff and fixing my hair and catching your attention.

"Bella, hey! Are you going to Frankie's party with me?" she asks. "I'm not really going to stay. I'm just going to meet up with Jasper and Rosalie."

Jasper and Rosalie were her friends in high school.

Alice pulls me in her dorm. "Come on! You can leave your stuff and just come back later. We still have an hour, so let's just hang! You hungry?"

"No, I've only been studying." I feel so lame next to her, seeing all her cool stuff in her dorm. She's a fantastic person who gets everything she wants.

An hour later, we are at the party, and Alice searches everywhere for Jasper and Rosalie. I am nervous, and I act excited, because I knew you were gonna be here.

And, just like in the library, you suddenly walk in. I skip a breath.

You look surprised to see me. "Hey, Bella!"

"Hi, Edward." I giggle, as in, Look, we see each other again. As if it were coincidence.

A few minutes of talking, where I don't really fit in because I don't know what you guys all talk about, and then we leave. Just like that, there's the four of us, Jasper, Alice, you and I. Rose stayed at the party, for which I didn't really care much.

Why don't you start a conversation? Why don't I?

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"How are you?" I release a breath and you smile.

"I'm good. Everything's good, you?"

"I'm fine. Glad the semester's about to end." Yeah, we say the same things. But I feel the thrill anyway. I'm glad for this, as much as this sickens some part of me.

Because you really don't like me like that. I see you with other girls all the time, walking them someplace and sometimes taking them out to lunch. It's not your fault, really. It was mine.

Should've been more interesting. Should've joined that club to make more friends. Should've never taken all these damn math classes.

When you smile and don't say a thing, I fear it's getting awkward, and I really don't like that I can't detach myself from the situation.

I say, jokingly, "I'm gonna miss you."

You laugh, "We'll catch up before the break ends."

"D'you really mean that?" I say quietly, off into the distance.

"What?"

And then Alice and Jasper see something that interests them, and they tell it to us. I walk, always staying beside you, wishing you'd see that there could be an us, if you'd just reach for my hand and keep it in yours.

My phone vibrates, and I know it's my dad.

I don't answer.

It isn't a big deal–nothing else matters with you–and I keep walking, keep that small distance between our arms just in case some wind blows and you come closer to me.