One day, not very long ago, Collins brought home a drag queen for Christmas, and, while drag queens are the BEST FUCKING PRESENTS EVER, Mark and Roger are ungrateful little bitches, especially Roger, who enjoys sending confusing postcards to his mother in his spare time.

"A drag queen?" Roger groans, smacking his forehead with extreme force. "Ouch, fuck, seriously though, a drag queen? I mean, most people will bring home a stray kitten, or a yeti, or sasquatch or SOMETHING normal, but no, leave it to Collins to bring home a fucking drag queen."

Mark, who has a yeti fetish, stares wide eyed at Roger. "Did you just say yeti? I fucking LOVE those guys!!"

"Um…" Roger starts, but is interrupted by Mark "Well, I liked the drag queen personally, I thought she was pretty and nice, plus she has a heart of gold like Julia Roberts in the American classic 'Pretty Woman', which is pretty much my second favorite movie in the entire world, second only to 'The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, which I found to be very inspiring." -

Roger blinks stupidly. "Hey, did you hear about the man who drank too much water and drown from the inside out?"

Mark opens his mouth to reply that yes, he had heard of the man, who actually happened to be his third cousin twice removed. Before he has a chance to say anything though, Collins burst through the door, breaking it off the hinges. 'Um…guys, I think your door is broken!"

"No shit!" Roger mutters under his breath, once again smacking his forehead with extreme force. "Fuck! I really need to stop killing my few remaining brain cells!"

"I second that notion." Collins agrees, smacking his forehead as well. "Ouch!"

Mark meanwhile, is staring wide eyed at his friends. "M'kay guys, no more angel dust for you guys!"

"Angel!" Collins squeals, jumping up and down. "Oh my God, don't you guys just love her?"

"Not really." Roger replies honestly. "Seriously Collins, why couldn't you have brought home something normal like a…"

"Yeti!?" Mark interrupts, now jumping up and down as well.

Collins turns around and glares at Roger. "I brought her home because I love her and I thought you would too."

"I like her!" Mark says, raising his hand in the air and waving it around. "She reminds me of Julia Roberts."

"She would remind you of Julia Roberts" Roger mutters, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Seriousfuckingly, why am I friends with you guys, you're both fucking insane!"

"Um, speak for yourself!" Collins says, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a musket with one of those pointy things on the end like the British royal guards use. He points it at Roger. "Haha! This is a stickup! Die bitch!"

Roger crosses his eyes. "Whoa! How did you fit that in your back pocket?"

"How could you not fit it in my back pocket?" Collins replies. "Seriously though, I can fit anything in my pocket, I could even fit you in there if I wanted to."

"Cool!" Mark exclaims. "Can we try?"

Collins shakes his head and wrinkles his nose. "Eww…no, I don't want Roger in my pants!"

"Yeah, and I don't want to be in Collins' pants either," Roger whines. "The drag queen has probably been in there!"

Collins pokes Roger with his musket. "Jesus, you're such an ass!"

"What? Not my ass!!" Roger cries, shielding it with his hands. "I don't want you anywhere near that either!"

"Ugh!" Mark groans, looking positively disgusted. "Will you two stop that?"

Roger turns around and looks at Mark, and then back at Collins. "Alright guys, well If you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to go water the plants.

"Um, Roger…" Mark blinks. "I'm pretty sure that the plants are plastic."

"All living creatures need water!" Roger exclaims defensively, pointing his finger at Mark. "You stupid pumpkin headed albino fascist!"

"Wow!" Collins mutters, shaking his head. "I never thought I'd say this, but Roger just may be more fucked up than me."

"Yeah, well I'm going to go water the plastic… I mean… plants." Roger says, turning and bolting from the room.

In reality though, Roger wasn't really leaving to water the plants (or plastic), but instead to write a postcard to his mother, which, for some reason he always found very soothing.

He walks into the bedroom and box of postcards from his desk, picking one with a picture of Merry Wanderer the 9 foot tall hummel breathing fire on small children on the front. He then sits down on his bed and begins to write.

Dear Mom, Happy day after Christmas! Thank you for the shoes you sent me, I really like them except for that they are three sizes too small. Yesterday Collins brought home a drag queen, today he broke the door off the hinges. Three days ago Mark got a sunburn and he was really red and acting all bitchy. Thankfully now he's back to his normal, pasty, Jewish boy self.

-Love Roger

Finished with his letter, Roger licks a stamp (yum!!) and sticks it on the front of the postcard. "Remind me to mail this later" he tells himself as he puts the postcard on his desk and going back outside to rejoin Mark and Collins, who are currently in the middle of a very violent game of scrabble.

"So…chips anyone?"

if you read then you must review...that is an order!