A/N: I wasn't happy with the way they ended 'Workforce'. I thought she should have told Jaffen to stay aboard Voyager and they'd work something out. So I decided to write my own version. I've been told by a very reliable source, My girlfriend, that it's a very good story so I decided to share it with all of you. Haha well anyway, I hope you like it, please review with thoughts and any suggestions for future chapters. I will try to update every week or so, I am almost done with my freshman year of college so soon I'll have plenty of time to write.
Enjoy! J And don't forget to review!
P.S. There is some swearing and mentions of depression and self-harm so beware, if that offends or upsets you please hit the back button located somewhere on your screen, thank you!
As the turbo lift rose Kathryn tried to get a handle on her emotions. She tried to push the longing, loneliness, and devastating heartbreak of leaving Jaffen out of her mind. Removing them from her heart however was easier said than done. She wasn't sure she'd be able to face her crew. Before she had a chance to chicken out, the doors opened signaling her arrival on the bridge. She took a deep breath and put on her captain's mask. As soon as she stepped onto the bridge she heard Harry's distinct voice.
"Captain on the bridge."
They all looked up from their consoles and looked at her. She could feel their questioning stares and felt her resolve crumble and tears well up in her eyes. She kept her head down and swiftly made her way to her ready room. As soon as the doors closed behind her, the tears fell. She dissolved into sobs. She staggered her way to her couch and collapsed. She clutched at her chest desperately wanting the pain to subside. It was pure agony. She tapped her combadge.
"Janeway to the Doctor."
"What is it Captain?" He asked concerned.
"It hurts." She whimpered. "It hurts so much. Can you make it stop? Can you make it stop please?"
"I'll be right there Captain." He replied and a nanosecond later he transported into her ready room.
He gasped at the site that greeted him. Kathryn was curled in a ball on her couch, sobbing into her hands, letting out cries of agony.
"Kathryn, what's wrong? What happened? Where does it hurt?" He asked as he rushed towards her.
She grasped her chest in response, directly above her heart. "It feels like my heart is being ripped out and torn into a million pieces and stomped into the ground. Do you have anything that will make it stop... please? I'm so sick and tired of feeling like this all the time. I just want it to stop. For once I want to not feel like my insides are being torn out."
He gathered her into his arms, accidently activating her combadge which broadcasted their conversation to the entire ship.
"Shhh Kathryn. It's okay." The Doctor said in a soothing tone.
"No it's not okay. It's not okay. It's never been okay. For almost 7 years I have been alone on this damn ship. For seven years... yeah, okay I had a couple holograms here and there but it's not the same. It's not... no offence Doctor, but having a hologram love you just isn't the same as having a real person care for you, and love you. Have you ever had sex with a hologram? It leaves you empty, unsatisfied. It makes you feel lonely and pathetic. I was so happy with Jaffen. And then he ruined it, and took it all away." She sobbed.
"Who did? Who are you taking about Kathryn?" The Doctor asked.
"Who do you think I'm talking about? Chakotay, the man who thinks everything that happens on this damn ship is his business. The one who thinks that everything that involves me is his damn business. Well guess what? It's not. I'm not his property. He has no right. No right. You know what? Did I love him? Maybe once, but you know what? I couldn't do anything about it because I'm the fucking Captain. The Captain has to be alone for... for the entirety of the journey because that's the way Starfleet fucking wants it. Well, I'm sick and tired of following protocol. I have followed protocol my entire life. My father, the incomparable Admiral Edward Janeway… I was his pride and joy, his perfect little Starfleet daughter. And when he and my first fiancé died I thought it was over. I considered ending my life quite a few times, but you know what stopped me? It's really fucked up... Starfleet and its protocols. It's unbecoming of a Starfleet officer to commit suicide." She ran her sleeve under her nose, sniffling as the tears kept coming.
"Everyone thinks being Captain is so easy, well you know what? It's not. Not when you have so many expectations to live up to. And not even just my father's, because you know what? I was Admiral Owen Paris' protégé. I was the perfect Starfleet daughter he never had. At his beck and call. Whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it..." She trailed off.
"Kathryn are you saying... he forced you to have... sex with him?" The Doctor asked hoping he was wrong, while Tom Paris felt sick to his stomach waiting for the captain's reply.
"Yes okay yes. He forced me to have sex with him. Is that what you want to hear? How he made me his little dirty whore. How he told me I was his and I had to obey him, wither I liked it or wanted to or not."
"He RAPED you! Did you tell anybody?" The doctor asked outraged at what Kathryn had to go through.
"Of course not. Who was going to believe me over a highly decorated Admiral? Besides why would Owen Paris rape his best friend's daughter, the girl he treated like his own daughter?" She said tears pouring down her face. She buried her face in the doctor's neck and sobbed.
On the bridge, Tom Paris turned green at her words and quickly left his post at the Con and heading for the nearest bathroom to empty the contents of his stomach. The entire bridge crew was in shock as well as the entire ship. They couldn't believe the Captain's confession. They all felt disgust and anger towards the Admiral.
After a few minutes she pulled away and wiped her sleeve under her nose.
"It doesn't even matter." She sniffled. "You know Doctor, after I got that stupid 'Dear John' letter I was upset, but it didn't really surprise me. I mean why not? Every other man I ever loved has left me, why not Mark too? I told myself it wouldn't be that bad. I might meet someone, I might not. But I didn't even have a chance to try. Every time I even talked to someone, human, alien, Q, hell even a hologram there was Chakotay trying to claim me. Like I was some fucking trophy that he could take whenever he wanted, and put on his little shelf and I'd be his forever. Well you know what? No. NO, that is not how it works. He had no right… no right to have a claim on me because you know what… I tried. And he told me he wasn't interested. And I was glad, because Starfleet protocol was against it. Being alone wasn't so bad, you know? Because I thought Chakotay was going through the same thing as me. Because as the two commanding offers we weren't allowed to fraternize with our subordinates. But obviously I was the only one following that damn rule, because he didn't care. And he found Seven, and I was happy for them. One of us had to be happy." She sighed.
"And I thought I was going to end up alone. No chance to have kids, because I gave all that up when I became captain. I mean I knew what I was getting into and it really wasn't so bad... for the first couple of years. Then we got stranded out here and Samantha Wildman had Naomi, and it just hurt. Then there was the whole warp ten thing (sniffle) with Tom. It wasn't even so bad. But no, Chakotay had to ruin that too." She sobbed.
"What gave him the right to make that decision? What gave him the right to leave our offspring on that planet? So what if they were lizards. Maybe we could have changed them back, we could have tried. I bet he didn't even ask you if it were possible, because he didn't care. He wasn't the father, so why should he care about three innocent children. He just left them there in the middle of the wilderness, with no parents, and no protection. He thought it was A-Okay. But it wasn't. And then there was the whole Q thing. And you know what's sad? I was actually going to consider his offer." She said with a bitter laugh.
"When was I going to have a chance like that again? By the time we get back, hell if we get back, it'll be too late. I'll be too old to have kids. So I thought this is the only offer I'm going to get, I better take it. I was going to say yes. But then, he had to barge in and stake a claim on me. He said he had no right to feel jealous. And you know what he didn't! He didn't! It wasn't fair. That he could do whatever the hell he wanted, consequences be damned. It didn't even matter how I felt, because he didn't care. I was genuinely happy for him when he got with Seven. And then I meet Jaffen." She let out a sob. "He was sweet, and I know we were only on that planet for three weeks but, I love him. I love him very much, and it's killing me to have to let him go. Sometimes I wish….. I wish Chakotay hadn't found us. It wasn't such a bad life. Yeah we were abducted and working against our will but, it wasn't hurting anybody, and it certainly wasn't hurting me. That was the happiest I felt in a long time Doctor, a long time."
"What do you mean?" He asked.
"Just… I felt sad, all the time, for a while. It wasn't so bad sometimes, and I found the perfect way to deal with it." She replied.
The Doctor remained quiet but gave her a questioning look.
"Remember that dermal regenerator that I borrowed from sickbay? Well, I didn't need it for the reason I told you. I didn't really need it to heal wax burns. I…. needed it to heal these." She said as she pulled up the sleeve of her uniform to reveal half a dozen long, thin scars.
"Captain… you… you cut yourself." He said in disbelief.
"Not all the time. It makes me feel better. Sometimes I'd just sit in my bathtub crying. Drinking wine helped, for a little while. Until it didn't, so I tried something else. It was an accident, the first time. I was shaving and I cut myself. It made me feel in control, and human again. So I kept doing it." She explained, pulling her sleeve down.
"Why did you leave the scars?" He asked curiously.
"I healed most of them but I kept some, to remind myself I suppose. It doesn't work anymore. It doesn't make me feel better, not this time. I've never felt this much pain, this much agony." She said. "Do I not deserve happiness? Am I not allowed to be happy Doctor?" She asked.
"Of course you do Captain. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You sacrifice so much for this crew, of course you deserve to be happy." He told her.
Kathryn dissolved into sobs, and for a while he just held her. She shows no signs of calming down.
"How about a sedative? It will make you feel better Kathryn. It'll let you sleep." The Doctor suggested softly.
"How long will I be out Doctor?" She asked wiping her nose.
"24 hours." He said.
"Okay." She replied.
He pulled her closer in his arms and initialized a site to site transport to sickbay. He gently lifted her up onto a bio bed and helped her lay down. He grabs a hypospray and presses it into her neck. Her tear and pain filled eyes fell shut. He brushed her hair from her face and kissed her forehead.
"Sweet dreams Kathryn. We're going to find a way to fix this." He whispered to her unconscious form.
He pulls a blanket up over her sleeping body. Before he tucks her in, he reached for her combadge. As he pulls it off he hears an echo of the rustling of the badge throughout the ship.
'Shit!' He thinks as he deactivated the combadge and places it aside. He tugs the blanket up to her chin and makes sure she's comfortable. He dims the lights as he pushed his own combadge.
"Doctor to the bridge."
He hears a sniffle and then Chakotay replies "Yes Doctor?"
"We need to talk." He leaves sickbay and heads to the bridge.
