Title: Confessions
By: Angel
Rating: PG
Time: Late season three, should have happened after Xindi weapon was destroyed, before returning to Earth.
Synopsis: Trip and T'Pol need to talk
Disclaimers: I don't own these characters, and I'm not making any money.
Notes: I haven't written any fic in a really long time and all my previous stuff was for a different show, but I have loved these guys for a long time now (I've thought they were perfect together since season one) and this story was burning to escape the narrow confines of my mind.
Trip turned the corner and caught a glimpse of T'Pol as she entered her quarters. "Here's your chance, Trip. Take it or leave it," he thought to himself. Never one to let an opportunity pass by, he approached her door. Pausing to collect his thoughts and take a deep breath, he glanced down at the data padd in his hand that would provide the excuse he needed. He smiled at the absurdity of being so nervous. All he wanted to do was to ask her to have dinner with him, right? He'd asked plenty of women to dinner before, no big deal. He could do this. Exhaling, he buzzed her door comm.
Nothing happened.
He knew she was in there. He'd just seen her enter for heaven's sake. He decided to buzz again.
Nothing happened.
Well, damn. This was just irritating. Finally he leaned close to the door and called to her. "T'Pol? It's Trip. Can I come in?" He listened intently, feeling more than a little foolish. He was about to give up and walk away when he heard something. A groan? No, more like a muffled cry. That was all it took. As he was reaching out to override the security lock and enter her quarters, permission be damned, the door opened to reveal T'Pol looking her usual controlled self. That is, she would look that way to anyone else, but to Trip she looked tired and more than a little stressed. Briefly he wondered when he had gotten to know her so well.
"Was there something I could help you with, Commander?" she asked in her reserved tone of voice.
He visibly shook off the preceding events and decided to play along with her show of normalcy. "Sorry to bother you so late," he said as he offered the padd to her. "I wanted to drop off the engine status reports before turning in for the night." And to ask you to dinner, and if that goes well maybe something more, but his question remained unspoken.
Stepping aside to allow him entry, she reached out to take the proffered data and that's when he saw it. Her hand shook like a leaf in an autumn breeze. She noticed his glance and immediately tried to pull her hand back, but it was too late. He reached out and grasped her small hand in his large one, the data padd forgotten and carelessly tossed onto a nearby table. He closed his fingers around hers and felt the smoothness of her skin in contrast to the quakes still coursing through her. "Okay, that's it. I've tried to pretend that everything's okay, but I've had enough. What's going on, T'Pol?" His voice was soft, but insistent. "You've been acting...different for months now. At first I thought it was just me, after we, you know..."
"If you are referring to when we had sexual relations, as I've already told you..." she attempted to pull her hand back but failed as his hold tightened.
Trip interrupted her before she could complete her sentence. He placed one finger over her lips, "If you tell me again that it was just an experiment, so help me I'll believe you. I'll walk out of here and never bother you again. Damn it, T'Pol, I'm worried about you." He sighed heavily before continuing, "Do you want me to go?" His eyes never left hers and his voice never raised a notch, but she knew he meant it. He would leave if she asked him to.
For a moment, she was tempted. It would be so easy to just tell him to go, to not have to face him and the growing feelings he evoked in her. But she didn't want to do that, not with her heart. She knew what she had to do; she had to tell him everything. Slowly, she shook her head and he lowered his finger from her mouth.
She took a step back from him to physically distance herself from him. She knew she would need the space in order to continue. Meeting his eyes, she almost whispered, "There's something I need to tell you."
He started to approach her, but immediately stopped when she held up a hand. "Whatever it is, I want to help you." His tone was soft, friendly and she almost hated him for it. She had no right to accept his friendship after the way she'd acted. She started to pace as she began to speak.
"Do you recall the ship of Vulcans that had been exposed to Trellium-D?" It was a rhetorical question, of course he remembered. "Something happened to me due to my encounter with them."
"Yeah, you almost went insane. T'Pol, what does this have to do with..."
"NO! You only think you know what happened! It has everything to do with it." He could see her physically calm herself down, but her outburst had frightened him more than he cared to admit. The intensity in her eyes burned through him and he realized this was a story she needed to tell without interruption. He nodded slowly at her to continue.
As she resumed her pacing, her eyes fell to the floor. She knew she would not be able to tell him all she needed to if she had to meet his gaze while doing it. "I apologize for that, Commander. You must understand, there is a great deal to tell and it is...difficult." She chanced a glance at him and saw that he too was staring at the regulation carpet with extreme interest. He nodded slowly again, without looking up.
Breathing deeply, she continued, "After my exposure to the Trellium-D, I was forced to look at myself differently. I meditated often about its effects and came to realize that while the severity of those emotions was overwhelming, I wanted more of them. I wanted to begin exploring my emotional being." Her pacing intensified and Trip fleetingly thought she might burn a hole in the floor.
Suddenly, all motion ceased and she looked poised to jump off a cliff. "So, I devised a way to inject small amounts of Trellium into my bloodstream." She had jumped.
Trip looked up sharply at her, his mind going at Warp 10 (as if such a thing were possible!). He wanted to scream at her, to flail his arms and rant, "What? How? Why? Why would you do such a thing?" But all he could do was stare. Their eyes met briefly and he saw what he could swear were tears waiting to fall. His anger dissipated as quickly as it had come and all he now wanted was to hold her in his arms and let her cry.
She knew he could read the emotions pouring off her. She knew she should be embarrassed about that, although with him she wasn't. She knew that if she asked, he would hold her and comfort her for as long as it took. She knew that if she didn't break eye contact soon that's exactly what she would do.
Her pacing resumed before he could be sure of what he was seeing in her eyes. He thought he saw doubt and hunger and fear, none of which he had ever applied to T'Pol before. Again, he was scared. For her, for himself, of his feelings.
Following a short attempt to regain some mental control, she continued. "I quickly became addicted and found myself unable to function without regular doses. My emotions were seething within me and I had no way of controlling them." Her breathing became short and ragged. "Vulcans are, were, a very passionate people. We developed our emotional control centuries ago to preserve ourselves. When we hated it was a fierce hatred that started wars, and make no mistake, they were bloody wars. When we loved it was an intense, burning love hotter than any star in the sky."
Trip's anger began to resurface. How dare she? What could possibly have been worth feeling that she was willing to risk her life? Damned selfish. He looked up again under veiled eyes, but she was pointedly avoiding looking at him. 'So much the better,' he thought and he continued to watch her.
"With the doctor's help, I am now recovered from my addiction. However, I do have some lasting after effects. I am not always able to suppress my emotions. Unfortunately, the doctor believes this may be a permanent consequence to my actions." Her pacing quickened yet again and her hand twitched at her side. Trip suddenly thought of the old-fashioned zoos back on Earth. He had an image of a caged animal, ferociously waiting for freedom, testing every possible means of escape before finally finding one and bursting out with all the fury of a raging storm.
His sympathy for her waned at the mention of the 'permanent consequence'. "So, let me get this straight," he spoke for the first time in what felt like years, his voice hoarse and gravelly, heavy with emotion. "You wanted to play with emotions like a toy, something you could take out and enjoy when it suited you or tuck away in a corner when they were troublesome? And now I'm supposed to feel sorry for you because as a nasty, little side- effect your toy box is broken?" He knew his tone was harsh and that he had probably hurt her, but right then he didn't care. "Well, sorry, T'Pol if our pesky feelings are an inconvenience to you but maybe you shoulda thought of that before you went prodding at your mind." Where was all this anger coming from? He didn't want to face the answer to that question.
What had she expected? That he would be happy to hear this confession? That he would pat her on the back and say, "It's okay, I understand. Hey, let's do some neuro-pressure and take the edge off!" Of course not. She knew he'd be angry, hell she was angry, but still his rage threw her off and stunned her into silence.
His ranting continued unabated, "So, tell me, is that what all this has been about lately? I thought we were becoming good friends, maybe more, but it was all just some drug-induced mirage. You don't feel anything for me other than what your injection tells you to. I guess you were right, it was just an experiment." His voice was suddenly soft, sad. He started to turn, to run for the door, but her voice slowed his departure. He paused, hand held still over the control panel to open the exit.
"No. You must understand. The feelings I released were mine. Nothing was manufactured or imagined, the Trellium simply allowed me to unlock my control and actually experience them." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Please believe me."
Trip's shoulders slumped. He considered giving in, turning around to face her and wrapping her in his arms, comforting both of them, but instead he pushed the button and the door opened to reveal the Enterprise hallway. He stepped through without looking back. "Trip?" she called softly. He paused, but without turning said, "Not now. I can't do this right now, T'Pol." The door closed.
End Chapter 1
Rating: PG
Time: Late season three, should have happened after Xindi weapon was destroyed, before returning to Earth.
Synopsis: Trip and T'Pol need to talk
Disclaimers: I don't own these characters, and I'm not making any money.
Notes: I haven't written any fic in a really long time and all my previous stuff was for a different show, but I have loved these guys for a long time now (I've thought they were perfect together since season one) and this story was burning to escape the narrow confines of my mind.
Trip turned the corner and caught a glimpse of T'Pol as she entered her quarters. "Here's your chance, Trip. Take it or leave it," he thought to himself. Never one to let an opportunity pass by, he approached her door. Pausing to collect his thoughts and take a deep breath, he glanced down at the data padd in his hand that would provide the excuse he needed. He smiled at the absurdity of being so nervous. All he wanted to do was to ask her to have dinner with him, right? He'd asked plenty of women to dinner before, no big deal. He could do this. Exhaling, he buzzed her door comm.
Nothing happened.
He knew she was in there. He'd just seen her enter for heaven's sake. He decided to buzz again.
Nothing happened.
Well, damn. This was just irritating. Finally he leaned close to the door and called to her. "T'Pol? It's Trip. Can I come in?" He listened intently, feeling more than a little foolish. He was about to give up and walk away when he heard something. A groan? No, more like a muffled cry. That was all it took. As he was reaching out to override the security lock and enter her quarters, permission be damned, the door opened to reveal T'Pol looking her usual controlled self. That is, she would look that way to anyone else, but to Trip she looked tired and more than a little stressed. Briefly he wondered when he had gotten to know her so well.
"Was there something I could help you with, Commander?" she asked in her reserved tone of voice.
He visibly shook off the preceding events and decided to play along with her show of normalcy. "Sorry to bother you so late," he said as he offered the padd to her. "I wanted to drop off the engine status reports before turning in for the night." And to ask you to dinner, and if that goes well maybe something more, but his question remained unspoken.
Stepping aside to allow him entry, she reached out to take the proffered data and that's when he saw it. Her hand shook like a leaf in an autumn breeze. She noticed his glance and immediately tried to pull her hand back, but it was too late. He reached out and grasped her small hand in his large one, the data padd forgotten and carelessly tossed onto a nearby table. He closed his fingers around hers and felt the smoothness of her skin in contrast to the quakes still coursing through her. "Okay, that's it. I've tried to pretend that everything's okay, but I've had enough. What's going on, T'Pol?" His voice was soft, but insistent. "You've been acting...different for months now. At first I thought it was just me, after we, you know..."
"If you are referring to when we had sexual relations, as I've already told you..." she attempted to pull her hand back but failed as his hold tightened.
Trip interrupted her before she could complete her sentence. He placed one finger over her lips, "If you tell me again that it was just an experiment, so help me I'll believe you. I'll walk out of here and never bother you again. Damn it, T'Pol, I'm worried about you." He sighed heavily before continuing, "Do you want me to go?" His eyes never left hers and his voice never raised a notch, but she knew he meant it. He would leave if she asked him to.
For a moment, she was tempted. It would be so easy to just tell him to go, to not have to face him and the growing feelings he evoked in her. But she didn't want to do that, not with her heart. She knew what she had to do; she had to tell him everything. Slowly, she shook her head and he lowered his finger from her mouth.
She took a step back from him to physically distance herself from him. She knew she would need the space in order to continue. Meeting his eyes, she almost whispered, "There's something I need to tell you."
He started to approach her, but immediately stopped when she held up a hand. "Whatever it is, I want to help you." His tone was soft, friendly and she almost hated him for it. She had no right to accept his friendship after the way she'd acted. She started to pace as she began to speak.
"Do you recall the ship of Vulcans that had been exposed to Trellium-D?" It was a rhetorical question, of course he remembered. "Something happened to me due to my encounter with them."
"Yeah, you almost went insane. T'Pol, what does this have to do with..."
"NO! You only think you know what happened! It has everything to do with it." He could see her physically calm herself down, but her outburst had frightened him more than he cared to admit. The intensity in her eyes burned through him and he realized this was a story she needed to tell without interruption. He nodded slowly at her to continue.
As she resumed her pacing, her eyes fell to the floor. She knew she would not be able to tell him all she needed to if she had to meet his gaze while doing it. "I apologize for that, Commander. You must understand, there is a great deal to tell and it is...difficult." She chanced a glance at him and saw that he too was staring at the regulation carpet with extreme interest. He nodded slowly again, without looking up.
Breathing deeply, she continued, "After my exposure to the Trellium-D, I was forced to look at myself differently. I meditated often about its effects and came to realize that while the severity of those emotions was overwhelming, I wanted more of them. I wanted to begin exploring my emotional being." Her pacing intensified and Trip fleetingly thought she might burn a hole in the floor.
Suddenly, all motion ceased and she looked poised to jump off a cliff. "So, I devised a way to inject small amounts of Trellium into my bloodstream." She had jumped.
Trip looked up sharply at her, his mind going at Warp 10 (as if such a thing were possible!). He wanted to scream at her, to flail his arms and rant, "What? How? Why? Why would you do such a thing?" But all he could do was stare. Their eyes met briefly and he saw what he could swear were tears waiting to fall. His anger dissipated as quickly as it had come and all he now wanted was to hold her in his arms and let her cry.
She knew he could read the emotions pouring off her. She knew she should be embarrassed about that, although with him she wasn't. She knew that if she asked, he would hold her and comfort her for as long as it took. She knew that if she didn't break eye contact soon that's exactly what she would do.
Her pacing resumed before he could be sure of what he was seeing in her eyes. He thought he saw doubt and hunger and fear, none of which he had ever applied to T'Pol before. Again, he was scared. For her, for himself, of his feelings.
Following a short attempt to regain some mental control, she continued. "I quickly became addicted and found myself unable to function without regular doses. My emotions were seething within me and I had no way of controlling them." Her breathing became short and ragged. "Vulcans are, were, a very passionate people. We developed our emotional control centuries ago to preserve ourselves. When we hated it was a fierce hatred that started wars, and make no mistake, they were bloody wars. When we loved it was an intense, burning love hotter than any star in the sky."
Trip's anger began to resurface. How dare she? What could possibly have been worth feeling that she was willing to risk her life? Damned selfish. He looked up again under veiled eyes, but she was pointedly avoiding looking at him. 'So much the better,' he thought and he continued to watch her.
"With the doctor's help, I am now recovered from my addiction. However, I do have some lasting after effects. I am not always able to suppress my emotions. Unfortunately, the doctor believes this may be a permanent consequence to my actions." Her pacing quickened yet again and her hand twitched at her side. Trip suddenly thought of the old-fashioned zoos back on Earth. He had an image of a caged animal, ferociously waiting for freedom, testing every possible means of escape before finally finding one and bursting out with all the fury of a raging storm.
His sympathy for her waned at the mention of the 'permanent consequence'. "So, let me get this straight," he spoke for the first time in what felt like years, his voice hoarse and gravelly, heavy with emotion. "You wanted to play with emotions like a toy, something you could take out and enjoy when it suited you or tuck away in a corner when they were troublesome? And now I'm supposed to feel sorry for you because as a nasty, little side- effect your toy box is broken?" He knew his tone was harsh and that he had probably hurt her, but right then he didn't care. "Well, sorry, T'Pol if our pesky feelings are an inconvenience to you but maybe you shoulda thought of that before you went prodding at your mind." Where was all this anger coming from? He didn't want to face the answer to that question.
What had she expected? That he would be happy to hear this confession? That he would pat her on the back and say, "It's okay, I understand. Hey, let's do some neuro-pressure and take the edge off!" Of course not. She knew he'd be angry, hell she was angry, but still his rage threw her off and stunned her into silence.
His ranting continued unabated, "So, tell me, is that what all this has been about lately? I thought we were becoming good friends, maybe more, but it was all just some drug-induced mirage. You don't feel anything for me other than what your injection tells you to. I guess you were right, it was just an experiment." His voice was suddenly soft, sad. He started to turn, to run for the door, but her voice slowed his departure. He paused, hand held still over the control panel to open the exit.
"No. You must understand. The feelings I released were mine. Nothing was manufactured or imagined, the Trellium simply allowed me to unlock my control and actually experience them." Her voice dropped to almost a whisper. "Please believe me."
Trip's shoulders slumped. He considered giving in, turning around to face her and wrapping her in his arms, comforting both of them, but instead he pushed the button and the door opened to reveal the Enterprise hallway. He stepped through without looking back. "Trip?" she called softly. He paused, but without turning said, "Not now. I can't do this right now, T'Pol." The door closed.
End Chapter 1
