Author: Chaos Valkyrie
First Conceptualized: August 29, 2005
Posted Chapter 01: January 27, 2006
Posted Revisions: August 1, 2006
Chaos Val: Welcome! Let me shake your hand vigorously! Someone had some actual Villain's Guide plotlines that she wanted to write, and hence decided to start a whole separate series. (sweatdrops) I had thought to work them in to TVG, but I didn't want to detract from the Lessons… So, anywho, here we go!
Chapter One: Ha ha ha… No Way in Hell
Chaos Val sat on the Big Comfy Couch of Evil, quietly reading the newest issue of Nemesis Quarterly. The yamis, Marik and Bakura, are lying on the floor, flipping channels on the Villain's Monitor.
"Just give me the remote, Marik," Bakura snarled. "I wanna see what that baka pharaoh is up to!"
Marik continues flipping channels. "I'll find it, I'll find it," he said, rolling his eyes. "Just give me time…" The station changes to the Chaos Land Evening News, just in time for the room to hear the announcer say…
"And that's it! The Fifth Golden Ticket has been found right here just outside the gates to the factory…"
"NNNNOOOO!" Marik jumped to his feet and ran up to the Monitor. He began shaking it vigorously. "LIAR!"
Chaos rolled her eyes and grabbed the remote, switching the set off. "Could you knock that off? Do you know how much those things cost? The contest is finished, get over it and leave my Monitor alone."
Bakura pries the now sniffling Marik off of the television. "Baka Tomb Keeper. We could just steal the ticket. What could possibly go wrong?"
Marik sniffled. "That's what you said when we tried to ransom that guy for the box of Wonka bars, remember?"
Bakura sweatdropped. "Well, how was I to know that lady would choose the chocolate over her husband? Anyway, stealing the ticket should work flawlessly!"
"Really?" Marik asked, giving Bakura hopeful Puppy Dog Eyes.
Both Chaos Val and Bakura panicked together. "STOP THAT AT ONCE! You'll get us in trouble!"
"Too late." Mokuba smirked as he entered the room. "That's my trademark," he told Marik before handing him a think stack of legal documents. Marik gulped nervously before reading out loud…
"'Any use of the Puppy Dog Eyes™ will result in a tremendous lawsuit which will take all your assets – hikaris, Millennium Items, and souls included.'" He whistled. "Damn."
Mokuba's smirk widened. "Pays to be Seto's little brother."
Chaos decided to change the subject. "So anyway, I guess you've heard the news," she said, gesturing to her Monitor.
Mokuba's shoulders fell in dejection. "Yeah, Nii-sama couldn't get his computer to tell him where the last ticket was…"
In a secret room somewhere in a not-very-remote Domino Mansion…
"Talk damn you!" Seto snarled, slamming his fist against the console.
The computer whirred. "Nu-huh, hun. Crashing a satellite was one thing… but what would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?"
"GAHHHH!"
Chaos shook her head, smirking. "Oh really? Poor Seto…"
Marik snorted. "Yeah, I'll bet. Anywho," and now he addressed Bakura, "let's go plot our theft of the last ticket!"
Bakura nodded. "Fine by me." The two Millennium spirits left the room.
Mokuba shook his head, watching them leave. "Whatever. Chaos, have you got any candy?" he asked cutely, his eyes widening and his lip starting to pout…
Chaos quickly pulled a pair of sunglasses out of her pocket and put them on. "Don't even try it, kid. I'm on to your ways," she said, tapping the glasses. "These puppies are PDE-Resistant."
Mokuba switched tactics and went for pure pout.
Chaos Val winced, sighing. She turned to her bookcase and tapped spines until she found one that sounded hollow. "Here," she said, opening the book and tossing a lollipop to Mokuba.
Mokuba cheered. He managed to mumble a thank you as he frantically unwrapped the candy and stuck it in his mouth. He then looked at Chaos curiously as she picked through the book's contents for her own treat. "Why is your stash in a book?"
Chaos snorted. "Do Marik or Bakura look like they actually read very often?" she retorted, finally choosing a Wonka Dark Sizzler Deluxe.
"Point taken," Mokuba conceded.
Chaos chuckled as she unwrapped the candy bar. "Exactly. They're not exactly rocket… scientists…" she trailed off, staring at the chocolate in her hand.
Mokuba giggled. "Really." His eyes then caught the flash of gold as she raised her hand in disbelief. "Hey! Is that… It can't be…" he trailed off, eyes widening.
Chaos Val held up the Golden Ticket with shaking fingers. "Oh, no way in hell. It can't be real…" She grabbed the phone with her free hand and dialed the secret Wonka Factory hotline.
"Wonka's Chocolate Factory, Doris speaking," as voice answered in Oompa-Loompan.
Chaos cleared her throat. "Um, yes," she began, also speaking Oompa-Loompan. "I just found a Golden Ticket in my candy bar… but the other five have already been found!"
Chaos could almost hear the female Oompa-Loompa sweatdrop. "Um, that shouldn't be right. Read it off to me."
Chaos read the Ticket off to the secretary, and was answered by a somewhat frazzled silence.
"Well, that seems to be in order. Let me put you on hold for a moment, please." The phone clicked, then began to play some disco-influenced Oompa-Loompan Elevator Music.
"I didn't know you spoke Oompa-Loompan!" Mokuba whispered.
Chaos snorted. "I'm quite fluent in many languages: Squirrel, Mummy, Oompa-Loompan, Gobbledygook…" she trails off as the phone clicks at her. "Oh, she's back," she told Mokuba. "So, what's the verdict?"
Doris sighed. "Apparently someone was having a flashback at the time and put one too many tickets in the candy. It was a mistake on our part, so you may join the other contestants tomorrow at the factory gates. Goodbye," she finished, and line went dead.
Chaos replied "Thanks!" anyway and hung up the phone. "Now…"
She was interrupted by the door as it was flung open and Bakura and Marik piled into the room.
"Sixth Golden Ticket?" they cried in unison. Both Mokuba and Chaos gave them confused looks.
"How did you know?" Mokuba asked. Bakura rolled his eyes, while Marik gave them his patented 'pathetic-mortals' smirk.
"Duh. Like any good miscreant, we listened at the door," Bakura told them, as if the answer should be obvious.
Chaos rolled her own eyes. "Oh. Well, now that it's legal, I have to decide who to take."
Marik chose this opportunity to point out the obvious. "Um, when has legality stopped you before?"
Bakura, however, was ignorant of all except one thing… "Take me, me!" he cried, waving his hands over his head. Marik chuckled while Chaos sweatdropped.
"I have to take a kid."
Bakura kept bouncing. "I am a kid!"
"Mentally, perhaps," Chaos conceded. "But how old are you really again, adding on all those years you spent trapped in the Ring?"
Bakura stopped bouncing long enough to work out his answer. "Um… 3016?"
Marik smirked. "Baka Tomb Robber. She's going to take me!"
Chaos shook her head. "Whatever. No one even knows how old you are."
Marik sweatdropped. "Perhaps…"
Mokuba had had enough. "Oh Chaos…" he pouted, giving her his best Puppy Dog Eyes.
Chaos merely tapped her sunglasses, which were firmly in place. "Won't work, kiddo. Besides, I had already decided to take you anyway."
"YAY!" Mokuba exclaimed, dancing about the room. Marik and Bakura looked at Chaos in horror, as if she had just declared that she was rejoining the Light Side of the Force.
"Say what!" they asked in unison. Chaos gave them a withering glance.
"Please, you can't expect me to take you guys! Remember what happened when Bakura won the 881st Aztec Medallion?"
Flashback…
Chaos, Marik and Bakura are dancing around with the pirates, drinking rum… er, the world's finest… something juice… in the treasure cave on Skull Island.
"This is a rockin' pirate party!" Chaos tells her companions.
"Yeah!" Marik agrees.
Captain Barbossa stands up, waving his hands for his crew's attention.
"Now we'll spill the blood of the newcomers and be that much closer ter liftin' the Curse!" The pirates cheer about him as the Trio stops. The pirates turn as one towards them.
Chaos looks at Marik in shock. "Say what?" They both turn towards Bakura.
"Heh, heh. Whoops?" He shrugs apologetically.
Marik whips out the Millennium Rod and tries mind control. "Um… you are all getting very sleepy…"
Chaos, meanwhile, is pondering. "Hm…"
"Argh!" the pirates cry, closing in.
"Hm…" Still pondering. Just then, a Random Passing Lightbulb walks by and kicks Chaos in the shin.
"Ow! Oo, Bingo!" she cries, turning to the pirates. "Parley!"
The pirates stop, sweatdropping. "Aw shit."
End Flashback…
Chaos finishes relating the story. "You're just damned lucky I was able to kidnap that Will Turner guy and get us out of there."
Marik snorts at her claim. "We still almost died!"
Chaos shrugs helplessly. "Well, he was cute! You didn't think I'd hand him over that easily, did you?"
Bakura tried begging. "Anyway, that's all in the past! What about now!"
Chaos shrugged. "No dice. I'm taking Mokuba."
Meanwhile, Mokuba had been reading the legal jargon scrawled on the back of the ticket. "But it says here I have to take a legal guardian…"
"Which is why I'll take him," Seto replies, entering Chaos' domain hesitantly.
"Seto!" Chaos cries, glomping the tall CEO.
Seto flinches. "Get off me."
This of course causes Chaos to only tighten her hold. "Nope. Besides, it's my Ticket. I'm going, period, end of story."
Seto struggles against her death grip. "And I'm not letting my brother go anywhere alone with you," he grunts as he finally pries himself free.
Chaos rolls her eyes. "Oh please. We won't be alone… there'll be other contestants too!"
Seto shakes his head, folding his arms across his chest stubbornly. "No."
"Besides, he's not the Kaiba that has to worry about being alone together with me…" She winks.
"Chaos," Seto begins, "No one, ever, in any state of mind, would be alone together with you. Still no." Watching the stalemate, Mokuba resorted to what he does best.
"Please, Nii-sama?" he begs, PDE out in full force.
See Seto. See Seto cave. "Damn it. Well, what're we going to do then?"
Chaos thinks hard. "Hm… You could marry me…"
Everyone just looks at her. "Do what!"
Chaos smiles, lifting her finger in the air. "That technically would make me a legal guardian…" She bats her eyelashes at Seto. "Honeymoon, here I come!"
Seto shudders. "Sorry, Mokuba, but I don't love you that much."
Mokuba sulks, and Seto sighs in resignation.
"How about I write a contract to make her your guardian for one day…" the elder Kaiba suggests unwillingly. Mokuba instantly perks up.
"YAY! Thanks Nii-sama!" he cries, dancing about the room once again.
Chaos smiles. "That's settled then! Onwards to the Chocolate Factory!"
Chaos Val: And that's the first chapter. I was going to use one of my nieces or nephews, but Mokuba used the Puppy Dog Eyes on me when I didn't have my sunglasses on. Anywho, I own Story-Me, the Trademarked PDE-Resistant Sunglasses, and the Dark Sizzler Deluxe idea. And probably some other things, but I do NOT own Willy Wonka, his factory, Doris, Pirates of the Caribbean, or anything related to Yu-Gi-Oh! Satisfied?
