Play with Fire
Author: Chaos Valkyrie
First Conceptualized: January 16, 2006
Posted Chapter 01: January 27, 2006
Updated: February 26, 2009
Disclaimer: Don't. Own. Period. Because if I did, Auron would live forever. Got that?! LIVE FOREVER!
Author's Note: This is my first FFX fic, initially inspired by reading Princess Artemis' "The Not Quite Quick Enough and the Dead", and my own "revelation" whilst watching the Djose Temple cutscene – "It was only later that I realized... The only one really laughing then... was me." Of course they didn't, Tidus, because your companions are all a bunch of stiffs (No pun intended, Auron). Thank God for Rikku, the only one with a personality! Well, I don't really mean that, especially since I find Auron dead-sexy, (the author pauses to laugh once again). Anywho, this is completely unserious and will follow the game's plotline in that sort-of-not-really way because it's just humorous drabble. So enjoy. Oh, there will also be some spoilers – probably – and definite bashing of all the characters, so you've been warned. And all Al Bhed translations are listed at the end.
Chapter One: Death Wish
It was the last watch for the night, and Tidus and Rikku whispered lowly to each other in the flickering light of the campfire. The party had stopped in the Macalania Woods after a long day of fighting fiends. Tomorrow, they hoped to reach another Al Bhed travel agency by late afternoon and book rooms there for the night. Tidus was slowly catching Rikku up to speed on the events of the pilgrimage prior to her becoming a guardian.
"So then we're getting ready to leave the Temple, and everyone was teasing Yuna about her hair," Tidus whispered as Rikku grinned. "Even Auron. Of course, it wasn't until much later that I realized that the only one really laughing then… was me," he replied sadly. Rikku frowned.
"Why weren't they really laughing?" she asked. Then she answered her own question, "Oh, of course, could it be that besides Yunie, none of these damn people have any sense of humor whatsoever?!" Rikku exclaimed as though she had just struck gold. Chuckling, Tidus shushed her as Wakka groaned in his sleep.
"Shh! We don't want to wake anyone!" he mock-scolded her.
"Especially not Old Grumpful over there," Rikku whispered, pointing to the massive bulk that was Auron's sleeping form. Tidus grinned.
"'Rikku, if you don't like the cold, why don't you go back to the Thunder Plains?'" Tidus mimicked the older guardian's voice perfectly, even going so far as closing his right eye and pull his jacket across the lower half of his face. Rikku giggled, falling off the log.
"That… was… perfect!" she gasped between fits of almost-silent giggles. Had any of the other party members awoken at that moment, they would've thought that she was having some sort of seizure. As it was, Kimahri merely grunted and rolled over in his sleep as Tidus kept both his hands over his mouth to stifle his own laughter.
It was a good twenty minutes before the pair could look at one another again without bursting back into gales of quiet laughter. Rikku finally climbed back on the log, wiping her streaming eyes as she did so.
"You know, I'm tempted to look at the Sphere Grid and see if there are any 'Sense of Humor' nodes that they've skipped over. I'll bet there are," she added, shaking her head. Tidus grinned.
"If only it were that simple," he replied. His smile turned to puzzlement at the look on her face, like she had just pickpocketed the winning lotto jackpot ticket off someone. "Um, Rikku, you okay?"
Rikku nodded her head slowly. "What these people need is a good, healthy prankfest," she said. Tidus choked.
"What?! Do you have a death wish?" he asked her, grabbing her shoulder and shaking it.
"And we'll start with Ol' Gloom and Doom," she finished. "I still owe the big meanie for the way he treated me back at the Thunder Plains." Rikku grinned, eyes twinkling in mischievous delight.
"You do have a death wish," Tidus said, awed, his hand falling from her shoulder.
"And you're gonna help me," Rikku added, turning her bright green eyes on Tidus. His own eyes widened in panic.
"Nu-uh. I'm too young to die!" he whispered panickedly, raising his hands in self-defense. Rikku snorted.
"Oh come on! We'll be perfectly safe – Yunie won't let him kill us!" Rikku reassured him. As he still remained unconvinced, she switched tactics. "Pwease, Tidus?" she asked, frying him unmercifully with the Rikku Patented 'Puppy Dog Eyes of Doom.' She held her grin in check as she watched Tidus quaver and then break down in homage to the Look. Rikku grinned. If only she could get it to work on fiends, (and she had tried), she'd be more powerful than Lulu! If only…
"Buck up, Tidus. Think of it this way – we're doing this for the betterment of the group."
Tidus looked up. "Yuna did say she wanted her pilgrimage to be filled with laughter," he added thoughtfully.
"And as guardians, isn't it our duty to carry out our summoner's wishes?" Rikku asked, grinning.
The two conspirators shook hands to seal the deal.
Yuna looked over at her cousin in concern as Rikku yawned for the umpteenth time that morning. She fell into step beside the young Al Bhed, her head tilted as she regarded the mess of synth parts in her hands.
"What are you doing, Rikku?" she asked kindly. Rikku grinned, her eyes flickering towards Tidus briefly before answering.
"Oh, Tidus and I spent our watch discussing equipment customizations. I'm trying to see what I can rig up to ice-proof our armor," she lied perkily as she juggled Ice Gems and various tools with her nimble fingers. Yuna smiled.
"That would be nice," she said, shivering slightly. Rikku's smile widened.
"I know. It's cold enough here without adding the fiend's abilities to the mix," she stated.
Auron sighed from the front of the group. "Rikku, if you don't like the cold…" he began, but he was cut off before he could finish by the wild laughter behind him. Actually stopping in his tracks, he turned and regarded both Tidus and Rikku hysterically laughing from where they had fallen on the ground. Yuna smiled at Auron, an involuntary chuckle emerging from her own mouth at the pair's antics. Auron merely glared at the two before turning back around and marching stiffly past the other curious guardians.
Auron did not like being laughed at, especially when he had no idea why he was being laughed at, but he decided that for the moment he'd let it slide. They still had a ways to go before reaching the Travel Agency, and in any case, a tinkering Rikku was a quiet Rikku, which suited him just fine. How little did he know…
"Oh, look! Its Clasko," Yuna cried, running over to the Chocobo Knight where he stood tending his mount. The others followed her as Rikku nudged Tidus, tilting her head towards the inn. Tidus nodded and winked before joining the others.
Rikku casually stepped inside, then hurled herself across the room once the door was safely shut behind her. She jumped the desk, ignoring the confused shout from the desk keeper, and threw herself into Rin's office. He looked up at Rikku, his expression quizzical at her hysterical appearance.
"Rin! Tuac Kehho cdemm fung rana?" she asked quickly. He nodded.
"Cra'c caaehk du dra nuusc zicd huf," he answered slowly. He blinked as Rikku suddenly vanished. He shook his head and returned to his paperwork, used to such outbursts from the small Al Bhed girl.
Rikku, meanwhile, was running down the hall, frantically flinging open doors as she sought her old friend Kehho. After several screams (and an invitation) she found an open door with a curious blond head sticking out of it.
"Rikku?" her friend asked in disbelief. Rikku grinned as the two girls, roughly the same age, hugged. Rikku pulled back quickly, however, and began to address her friend rapidly in their native tongue.
"Xielg, Kehho, lryhka lmudrac fedr sa!"
"Fryd?!"
The rest of the party entered the Travel Agency, and immediately Tidus looked around for the blond Al Bhed. He spotted Rikku's trademark orange shirt in a dark corner of the lounge area near the kitchen doors, already setting out the game board with her back to the others.
"Hey, Rikku! Ready for our game of checkers?" he grinned, striding over to the table. The older guardians shook their heads – Tidus and Rikku playing checkers was never a pretty, nor a quiet, sight.
Auron walked up to the desk. "We'd like some rooms, please," he asked the woman politely, laying the gil down on the counter. The woman smiled at him, eyes twinkling.
"Here, sir, I have just the room for you," she replied, handing him a key and smiling sweetly.
Meanwhile, Tidus sat down across from the blond Al Bhed and grinned.
"Kehho, I presume," he asked, and the girl smiled back at him conspiratorially.
Meanwhile, the real Rikku was humming the "Mission: Impossible" theme that she had learned from an old music sphere to herself as she applied the finishing touches to the "master prank". She jumped down from the chair she had been using as a ladder and moved it back to its original spot. She then padded softly into the hallway, almost shutting the door behind her. A few quick proddings with her special pliers, and the door was safely shut and wired. She did a quick victory jig in the hallway before sprinting for the kitchens.
Luckily for Rikku, this particular Travel Agency was arranged in a circular fashion. She ran into the kitchen and peeked out the door towards the front desk where the other guardians were still talking. From behind the shelter of the door, she waved at Kehho and Tidus. Kehho quickly got up and entered the kitchen, carefully keeping her back to the front desk. The two girls quickly swapped clothes again, much to the amusement of the chef, who fortunately was Kehho's mother. After grabbing two mugs of hot cocoa, Rikku walked back out and rejoined Tidus at the dark table.
Tidus moved jumped the last piece on Rikku's side of the board and grinned. "We on?" he asked.
Rikku took a deeply contented mouthful of cocoa. "Oh, we're on all right," she replied.
Auron walked past the reception desk, impatient to find his room. Not that he would ever admit it, but he couldn't stand the cold weather. A long, hot soak was definitely in order. He snorted as he listened to Rikku and Tidus bicker back and forth over their game. A long bath, a hot meal, and a nice soft bed were definitely on the agenda for the evening, with a big dash of avoiding the two rambunctious youngsters. The thought brought a pleased smile to the older guardian's face – not that anyone could see it past his extremely high collar, mind.
He reached his room and fit the key into the lock. He turned it, only to have the door jam on him. He grunted in annoyance, smile fading. He was certainly not going to be denied his long hot bath, not if he had anything to say about it. He jerked harder on the doorknob, throwing his shoulder against the door for good measure. The door jerked open, and he stumbled through the doorway. He heard a quick clicking noise…
And was instantly buried up to his nose in six feet of magically produced snow and ice. After a moment of confused shock, his one eye narrowed as he looked over the doorway just in time to see what looked like a small machina self-destruct in a shower of silver glitter and clicking noises.
Back in the lounge-slash-lobby, Wakka and Lulu talked lowly at a table set far away from the other members of the party. Tidus and Rikku bickered good naturedly over their game, while Yuna laughed over her own mug of hot chocolate next to them. Kimahri had stationed himself behind Yuna, quietly observing the game, which he too found entertaining.
However, all activity in the inn ground to a screeching halt at the roar of incoherent rage that echoed down the hallway. Wakka half-rose to his feet across the room, his hand reaching for his blitzball. Kimahri leapt to his feet, patting Yuna's shoulder before rushing to the hallway entrance. Tidus and Rikku feigned innocently confused looks, which didn't pass muster at all due to the wide and evil grins they now sported. Luckily, they had chosen a rather dark corner, so the only person to notice was Yuna. She looked at the pair, her eyes narrowing slightly. "Wasn't that Sir Auron just now?" she asked slowly.
Tidus shrugged. "Sounded like it. Maybe his pillows weren't fluffed enough," he quipped, then frowned as he looked back to the checker board.
Rikku grinned. "No, that definitely sounded like a 'How dare they forget the mint on my pillow' sort of scream," she giggled. Her smile widened as she jumped two of Tidus' pieces and landed on the end of the board.
"King me!" she crowed, throwing her hands into the air victoriously. Looking up, she was momentarily puzzled by the frozen looks of shock on Tidus' and Yuna's faces. Then, her hearing caught the ominous dripping sound coming from behind her. She snorted, her heart laughing, pounding, screaming, as she fought to control her laughter…
She turned too soon and burst into giggles. "Ancestors! What happened to you, Sir Auron?" she asked ever-so-sweetly. The elder guardian glowered down at the pair, giving them his most intimidating glare; however, the effect was somewhat dampened, quite literally, by the fact that his eyebrows and hair were still frosted with the ice. Combined with his now-frosted red coat, he could have been easily confused with a jolly old elf, and if it weren't for the fact that she could clearly see the tick in his cheek rapidly pulsing in anger, Rikku was tempted to jump in his lap and start telling him what a good girl she'd been. The two troublemakers tried unsuccessfully to hide their amusement as Auron seethed.
"Rikku. Tidus," he gritted slowly, "You have a lot of explaining to do. Now." He barked the last word in a stern command. Rikku's eyes widened in feigned innocence.
"What are you talking about?" she asked. "Tidus and I have been in this corner the entire time!" she said, looking to Tidus and Yuna for confirmation. Tidus nodded vigorously in agreement.
"But ya came in first, didn't ya, Rikku?" Wakka asked from nearby. Rikku forced herself to smile sweetly and not throw a grenade at dense blitzer.
"Only to set up the checkerboard," she replied sweetly. She could see Auron's eye narrow. They had all seen 'her' in the corner when they came in, and they had only been outside a short time with Clasko. But still…
"She wouldn't have had time to rig up… whatever it is that happened to you, Sir Auron," Yuna defended her cousin lightly. Auron's eye became slitted as he regarded the barely concealed amusement of the two youngest guardians. They knew they had him cornered with Yuna on their side.
"I know I saw a small machina above my door, which conveniently destroyed itself. If I find out that you two did this…" he warned, his voice grating. Tidus had the nerve to grin.
"Hey! Without burden of proof, your claims carry no weight. We're innocent until such a time as you can prove us guilty," he stated, rocking back in his chair and crossing his arms in satisfaction. Everyone else looked at him blankly as if he had grown another head.
"Hey! I used to watch those lawyer shows back in Zanarkand while I waited for the cartoons to come on!" Tidus defended himself. Auron snorted in disgust as he turned to go back to his room. The pair looked at each other behind his back and grinned.
"Auron, if you don't like the cold," Rikku drawled suggestively. The room hushed again as the elder guardian paused and threw her an evil glare over his shoulder before stoically marching on. Tidus grinned.
"And can you bring me a new blitzball for Christmas?" he yelled as Auron reached the entrance to the hallway. Auron threw the pair one more 'Hell hath no fury to match mine' look before storming back towards his room. The pair listened expectantly until they heard (and felt) the vibrations of a door slam, then burst into wild, raucous laughter. Yuna shook her head, a slight smile adorning her face.
"Do I even want to know how you pulled that off?" she asked, a giggle escaping her. She looked at Kimahri, whose shoulders jerked in self-contained humor.
"Now, Yunie, we've been sitting here the entire time," Rikku grinned, moving her 'king' across the board. Tidus frowned briefly at the game before looking up and smiling at Yuna.
"Besides, I believe your famous last words were when you said you wanted the pilgrimage to be full of laughter," he reminded her, and the three teenagers burst into giggles.
Meanwhile, somewhere down the hall, an extremely pissed off guardian was plotting his revenge.
End Notes: I was in the mood to write something goofy, and this is the result. I'm happy with it. I'm not sure how long this fic'll go on, because I keep getting all sorts of good ideas. But it will skip around a bit through the plotline. So, I'll see you soon with chapter two, "Auron's Retribution".
Chapter One Al Bhed Translations:
Kehho = Ginny (name tribute to HP)
"Rin! Tuac Kehho cdemm fung rana?" = "Rin! Does Kehho still work here?"
"Cra'c caaehk du dra nuusc zicd huf." = "She's seeing to the rooms just now."
"Xielg, Kehho, lryhka lmudrac fedr sa!" = "Quick, Kehho, change clothes with me!"
"Fryd?!" = "What?!"
