Rating: PG
Pairing: MerlinEmrys/ArthurPendragon
Rights: Merlin and co are owned by the BBC, and not me… sadly.
Prince Arthur of Camelot had decided that throwing himself on his bed in a fit of sadness was not his thing. As he lay in his bed, tangled in blankets, hands balled in angry fists, he came to that realization. Not to say that his heart wasn't shattering inside his frame, simply that throwing himself dramatically onto the bed wasn't something he liked to do. He couldn't really believe he'd done it. It was spur of the moment. He thought about how that's what Morgana did when she was upset and helpless, and that must have settled it, because he did it. It didn't help.
He sat up, running a hand through his blonde hair and sighing. Much more dignified. He'd have to try a manlier way of letting out his pain. He thought perhaps he could go to the training grounds, and hack a target to pieces. Or maybe a hunt. To his dismay, the last thing he wanted to do was leave his room. He wanted to lie in bed, and bury his head under the covers. He didn't want to go anywhere else.
But even hiding in his bed wouldn't save him. He knew Merlin would be back in the morning, before Lancelot's knighting ceremony, awkwardly stoking the fire and going about his work. He would probably pretend that Arthur didn't exist. He would probably act like their relationship had never happened. Pretend he hadn't torn Arthur's heart from his chest only the night before.
Arthur moaned and shoved his face in his pillow. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think about how much he ached, how much he wished he could just cry his eyes out. But those were not things that a prince could do. So he held it in, turmoil tearing him apart on the inside only. He didn't know if he could keep it in when he saw Merlin the next day.
Merlin. That gorgeous, perfect creature. Arthur hadn't really noticed when he'd realized that he loved Merlin more than as a friend. But it had happened, and it had hurt. When he learned Merlin felt the same, he'd never been happier. Merlin, the object of his most sincere affections had finally become his. But Arthur should have learned that good things never last. There's always something that comes along and ruins them.
This something was named Lancelot. Arthur could tell straight off that Merlin fancied him. He was quite the man to fancy, dashing good looks, moral perfections, and undying loyalty. But Arthur didn't really believe Merlin would act on it. He was comfortable with Merlin. He trusted Merlin. Merlin would never hurt him.
When Arthur and Gwen walked in on those two men kissing in the stables- Arthur could barely think about it. Merlin, his Merlin, was being held tightly in Lancelot's strong handsome arms, and they were kissing. It's not like Arthur could do anything. Not in front of Lancelot and Gwen. He couldn't go exposing his secret that he fancied men. Gwen's reaction did the job. Her short gasp woke the two of them from their beautiful dream, and they saw Arthur. Lancelot bowed his apologies for his conduct and left. He didn't know the extent of the damage he'd caused. He could never know.
Merlin just stared. He didn't even look the least bit sorry.
"If you'll excuse me, Guinevere," Arthur managed to sputter, nearly running from the stables.
"Me as well," Merlin said, chasing after Arthur and leaving Gwen alone.
They'd ended up in Arthurs chambers. Arthur's hands were splayed on the wall above his roaring fire and he was shaking. He couldn't cry. He wouldn't cry. Not for Merlin. Not for this.
"Arthur?" Merlin said, walking into the room.
"What do you have to say?" Arthur snapped. He usually wasn't truly angry at Merlin, and his snapping felt rough, but he had to. He was hurt. "What could you possibly say?"
"It just sort of happened," Merlin said. Completely calm. Like he didn't care.
"So when you said you loved me… that was… a joke?" Arthur said, not moving.
"I did love you," Merlin said. "But I can only take so much poor treatment before I stop loving."
"Poor treatment?" Arthur asked. "What have I done?"
"You never listen," Merlin snapped. "You still treat me like I'm a servant."
"If I treated you like a normal servant we couldn't even be friends," Arthur said, voice low and shaky. "My father already gets angry at me because of how gentle I am with you."
"But you still don't listen to me," Merlin said. "You don't respect the things that matter to me."
"Yes I do," Arthur said. "I'm sorry that you don't always get your way. But that's life. You're not always going to like the decisions I make. If you want me to just do your bidding blindly, then why don't you just use your magic and enchant me?"
"That's the part that hurts the most," Merlin snapped. "You treat me like a criminal because I can do magic. I was born this way! I can't help it."
"Whether or not I agree with the laws, it is still a crime. If you're not careful, my father will kill you," Arthur said. "Of course I have to be cautious. I'm trying to protect you. My life is no cakewalk, Merlin. It's hard. Uther doesn't let me live. Doesn't let me have fun. He doesn't let me breathe. I know things are difficult for you, but you have to understand that I'm doing the best I can."
"Well maybe it's not enough," Merlin said.
"You don't mean that," Arthur said, looking up at Merlin. The prince's eyes were wet, but no tears had actually fallen.
"I do," Merlin said. "I'd like to go now. It's getting late."
"Tell me you don't love me," Arthur said. "If you mean that, then you can go."
"I don't love you," Merlin said. Turning and leaving the room. It was at this moment that Arthur had thrown himself on the bed.
Thinking through the events of the night, Arthur moaned again, burrowing farther into his blankets and pillows. He willed away his tears until he finally fell asleep.
~*~
