Drop and roll Dave!
Monday 6th September – 11:30 AM
The Stiff Dylans are back! Thrice yes!
One minute later.
For those of you who don't know; the Stiff Dylans were offered a recording contract with some company in London and they became an even bigger hit than the Spice Girls!
Seriously!
They've spent the last year touring around Europe and are back this evening gigging in, Phoenix, the new club down town.
Five minutes later – on the phone to Jas.
"Jas, I'm actually having a nervy b."
"Why?"
Merde, is my bezzie really as dim as she looks? The answer is, tragically, yes. "Because, Jas, we're seeing the Dylans tonight!"
"And?"
"And, Jas, they're international superstars!"
She was making little sucky noises down the phone. Great, I'd made her think; that's always dangerous. "They're still our friends though, right, so why should that make any difference?"
"Jas, I think you're forgetting the fact that I dated two of their singers." I informed her. My stomach did that funny clenching thing when I thought about Robbie. Great.
I heard distant voices on the other side of the phone. "Oh! Georgie, I'll see you later; Tom just found-"
"I don't care Jas!" I told her before slamming the phone down.
One minute later.
The phone rang and I picked it up expecting it to be Jas. "You are not forgiven." I told her.
"Why, what did I do?" Rosie asked. "Was it that note from last week; I'd have thought that you'd have noticed sooner."
"No, I thought it was going to be- hang on, what note?"
Ten minutes later.
The short and short of it is, we're calling an emergency meeting to discuss how we are going to dance tonight because we both agreed that the Viking Disco inferno dance is lacking in maturosity for something as huge as this.
One minute later.
Seriously though, what note?
12:30pm
Sitting with Rosie, Jools, Ellen and Mabs, in the park, waiting for Jazzy Spazzy to show up.
"She'll turn up eventually" Rosie told me as she handed around her chuddie "the lads are playing footie."
"Ah yes" I replied "Jas likes bums just as much as the next person."
Five minutes later.
Jas finally turns up all red faced and puffing. "Sorry I'm late, guys" she says "Tom found-"
I cut her off before she sent us all to sleep "it's fine my little pally, you're here now and that le fact."
She glared at me before sitting down between me and Ellen. I turned my attention toward the football pitch just in time to see Dave the Laugh's (otherwise known as Dave the Biscuit or Dave the Tart) startling white bottom smiling at us.
"Is he erm I mean is uh Dave erm-" Ellen was dithering worse than other. "I mean Dave is erm, his uh, erm…"
"For god's sake my dithery pal, spit it out!" I shouted.
Five minutes later.
She was trying to ask whether or not Dave was mooning at us. We all looked at her until Rosie said "Ellen, the answer is smiling at you from across the field."
"Oh, erm, yes; I see."
Ellen's infatuation with Dave hadn't evaporated and it was getting rather irritating. She just isn't laughy enough for the Hornmeister.
2:00pm
Lying in bed with an orange peel and egg facemask on; I was trying to soften my skin and give it a nice glow for tonight. After deciding that with the Dylans new found fame the Ace Gang needed to have dignosity at all times, especially me seeing as I was a datee of the Love God and the Sex God. IE. Robbie and Masimo, we had come up with a new dance for the gig tonight and it goes like this:
Awkward turtle to the left (that's when you put your left hand on top of your right hand and then roll your thumbs.)
Awkward turtle to the right.
Punch the air!
Squat and Sven! (Sven is what we call that weird Russian dance; you know when they're in that weird crouch thing with their left arm on their right arm and they do this weird jig type thing? It's named after Rosie's mad boyfriend.)
HORRRRNNNNN!
Well, of course we called it 'The Awkward Turtle Disco Inferno'
Two minutes later.
I still didn't find out about that note.
Ten minutes later.
Digging through everything to find that damn note.
Five minutes later.
Couldn't find the note. Phoned Rosie.
"Yes my little nose miner?"
"Rosie, what note were you talking about?"
She laughed manically down the other end of the phone "I'm not telling you where it is so don't look in your pencil case."
One minute later.
"Kitty Kat, as your friend and fellow Hornmeister; I must tell you that I'm away laughing on a fast camel. Au revoir. DTL."
What?
7:30pm
Facemask – done.
Makeup – done.
Hair – done.
Clothes – purple mini dress and mutti's (shhh) vair lovely purple high heels.
Now I'm plodding like a plodding plodder toward the clock tower to meet the gang.
7:45pm – in club Phoenix.
It's actually pretty groovy in here. There's all this awesome strobe lighting and the ceiling is all black but for all of these little white LED lights.
ERLACK – Wet Lindsay is here; what happened to going away to uni like most people do?
She's dithering around the stage with ADM (Astonishingly Dim Monica) waiting for the Dylans to get on stage. I thought she'd 'outgrown' Robbie? Maybe she's after Masimo. Well, my mutti always told me share my leftovers.
Five minutes later.
I no longer have the horn for Masimo; sure he's sexy and a God but I am no longer on the rack of love when it comes to him.
One minute later.
So why do I feel funny?
8:00pm – in the tarts wardrobe.
"I think it's because you don't want her to have him because you know what she's like" Rosie told me. The moment I'd told her about the whole weird funny feeling about WL and the LG, she'd dug out her pipe and stuck on her beard. Good God!
"She's definitely slimy" I nodded "even thinking about her makes me feel sick."
"Then don't think about her?"
Easier said than done my weird little pally.
Back in the club.
The Dylans are on stage! Oh my giddy God, look at Robbie! He was just as gorgeous as ever but he had stubble! I never thought little hairs sprouting out of someone's chin would make my knees go jelloid. When I told Rosie this she said "I never thought you liked Slim all that much."
Twenty minutes later.
To take my mind off of Lindsay who was still sliming around the front of the stage like some disgusting slug, the ace gang decided to put the awkward turtle into action. Rosie even managed to pry Jas away from Tom for it!
Awkward turtle to the left.
Awkward turtle to the right.
Punch the air!
Squat and Sven!
HORRRRNNNNN!
Five minutes later.
The entire club joined in! I had to stop to watch my work of art transform the room.
Half time break.
Yes! The moment the Still Dylans stepped off the stage, Robbie pushed past Lindsay and joined me at my table. Lindsay was giving me the dirtiest look she could muster as she mouthed "you are so dead!" Oh go on why don't you? Tell me something I don't already know.
"Hello Georgia" he said in his supercool, superstar, voice "how've you been?"
"Groovy" I smiled, taking care to keep my nose in check; it has this tendency of spreading right across my face and making me look as though I am all nose and nothing else.
He chuckled "you look great; older."
"Well, I don't like to brag but-" OWW! Something extremely hard had just been smashed over my head.
"Oh my God!" Robbie exclaimed as he jumped up.
"It's ok" I said as I felt my head "I'm not bleeding."
But he wasn't looking at me. I stared across the room to see someone doing a fire dance.
As it turns out…it was someone on fire and that someone just had to be Dave.
"DROP AND ROLL DAVE!" I yelled in panic "JUST DROP AND ROLL!"
