She took a steady breath and slowly walked toward his office. Never in a million years did she think this would happen or that she'd be at this place. Not the physical place but this place in her emotional state. She'd hit rock bottom and it was time to pull herself back up. She couldn't do that as long as she kept worrying about him.
Fitz's head snapped up when the door to the Oval slowly crept open. He rolled his eyes when his wife appeared. He had bills to look over speeches to approve he did not have time for her theatrics tonight.
"What is it Mellie?" The question laced with arsenic contempt. She didn't speak as she walked toward his desk, back ramrod straight and head held high. She held his steady gaze. Once Mellie reached his desk she slid a folder across that he hadn't even noticed she was holding.
"I need you to sign these." It was the first time she'd spoken since entering and even to her own ears her voice sounded strained with emotion. Fitz tore his gaze from hers and opened the folder ready to blow at what he knew was another one of her schemes or demands. What he found inside made his face shoot up toward hers. He just stared at her, his mouth slowly agape in shock. Mellie stood and stared at her husband.
"Is this another one of your schemes?" She released a small sardonic laugh and shook her head.
"Just sign them Fitz. I am divorcing you. I thought you'd be more thrilled."
"I would be if I thought this wasn't just some sort of attempt at manipulation."
"It's not trust me. It's a woman that is sick and tired of being sick and tired. Have your lawyer look over them if you don't trust me but I am sure you will find everything in order and fair." Mellie backed slowly away from his desk before turning and leaving the office. She never gave him another glance.
Fitz sat frozen at his desk for about ten minutes after Mellie left. He couldn't believe that this day had arrived. He'd wanted this for so long. This was his chance to be with his Liv, but why wasn't he jumping for joy why wasn't he celebrating, why hadn't he called Olivia to tell her the good news? He was rooted in place. He knew from the look in her eyes that this wasn't another one of her schemes and she was truly giving him the divorce he so badly wanted. Behind those eyes was also a flash of emotion he hadn't seen in over fifteen years. It was love, the love she had for him before she became an ice queen.
He stood from his desk and walked slowly to the crystal Scotch decanter sitting on the mahogany end table. He poured himself two fingers of Scotch and sat heavily on the couch. His mind floating back and forth between present and past trying to remember where it all went wrong. He'd told himself for so long that she didn't love him and never had but he knew that was not entirely true. He knew that the stained hazy vision that he painted of how they came to be was not rooted in truth and had been twisted and turned to fit the current narrative of their relationship.
If he were to be completely honest with himself then he'd admit that they once were in love. Was it a deep devastating love, no but it was love. Mellie was always driven but she still found time to be his wife. They were introduced through their fathers and while his father was the usual asshole and put a lot of pressure on him to marry Mellie he ultimately and most importantly married her because he loved her and she loved him back, that was until about five years into their marriage when he decided to run for governor. Fitz laid his head against the back of the sofa and took a drink of Scotch letting his mind float back fifteen years.
"What is your deal Mellie? Ever since Jerry was born you've put this wall up."
Mellie didn't reply. Fitz frustrated with her took two big strides towards her and grabbed her by the forearms.
"Do you hear me?" Mellie is momentarily stunned before she started fighting. She twisted herself in his grip and kicked at him like a wild animal cornered.
"Get off of me Big Gerry let me go!" Her eyes were glazed over and she was taken to another place. He immediately released her and stared.
"Did you just call me Big Gerry?" Mellie was brought out of her haze. She blinked a few times to clear the tears away and Big Gerry was replaced by Fitz. The icy demeanor slipped back in place. Mellie ran a hand through her hair to make sure it was in place and smoothed down the front of her skirt.
"I don't know what you're talking about." She attempted to walk away from but he blocked her path. The once angry look in his face now replaced by one of concern.
"What's going on Mel?" Her chest tightened and she so badly wanted to tell him but she knew it would be a burden too heavy for him to carry. For his sake it was best that he not know. Mellie placed a shaking tentative hand on his chest.
"Just let it go Fitz." She felt the emotions welling up inside and immediately left the room before they spilt forth.
Back to present
Fitz slammed down the glass and quickly rose from the sofa. He strode quickly toward the office door, Fitz snatched the door open and startled Lauren at her desk. She started to speak but the hard set line of his mouth halted her words. He quickly walked past her. The deadly stillness in his eyes caused everyone that he crossed paths with to allow him to walk past unencumbered. Fitz stormed into the residence living room.
"Mellie!" He yelled walking briskly into the bedroom when he was met with silence. She was not in the bedroom, the bathroom door was open and the light was off. He strode out of the residence and nearly collided with one of the housekeepers.
"Have you seen Mrs. Grant?" The woman seemed almost hesitant but she nodded yes and told Fitz where Mellie was. He walked to the Lincoln bedroom quickly turning the knob, not bothering to knock. When he entered he found Mellie sitting in a wing backed chair next to the bed reading. Her head snapped up when he walked in.
Mellie was disturbed by look on his face and she immediately went on the defensive. Before Fitz had barged into her sanctuary she was relaxed well as relaxed as she could be, catching up on law briefs. She was preparing herself for getting back into law once she left the White House. She'd always thought that she would want to carve out a political career of her own but recently she had decided it would probably be best to go back into law for a year or two and then to pursue a political career. Mellie placed the briefs on a bedside table and immediately rose from the chair. She was uneasy.
"Fitz what are you doing here?"
"I went to our bedroom looking for you and you weren't there." Mellie furrowed her brow confused why he'd think that she would be sharing a bed with him tonight or any other night.
"I didn't think we should sleep in the same bed."
"I'm surprised you didn't kick me out of the residence." A brief flash of pain crossed her beautiful features but as usual she immediately stuffed it away.
"Why do you always think the worse of me?" She cocked her head to the side and regarded him despite her best efforts her eyes welled with years worth of unshed tears. She didn't give him a chance to answer before she continued. "Once the divorce is final I won't be First Lady anymore but you will still be President so you should stay there."
Fitz took a step toward her and Mellie stepped back. They stood staring at each other trying to figure the other one out.
"What did he do to you?" Fitz finally spoke. The icy tone of his voice immediately clued her into what he was referring to but she was not yet ready to have this conversation. She would probably never be ready to have this conversation.
"Have you been drinking?" He cocked an eyebrow but did not answer.
"What did he do to you?" He said more sternly this time.
"Fitz it's late I'm tired I really don't want to have this conversation or any other conversations with you. Have your lawyer look over the papers and sign them so we can both go our separate ways." She went to move past him but he moved into her path. Fitz slammed his fist down into the bedside table causing the briefs to go falling to the ground.
"Damn it Mellie I asked you a question! What did he do to you?" She knew she wasn't going to get out of this so easily.
"I have no clue what you are talking about so now if you would excuse me." She tried to move past him once more but he blocked her path. A fear started to creep into her soul. She started darting her eyes around looking for a way out. This moment, this experience was uncomfortably familiar. "Please Fitz."
Her small broken plea shocked him. For the first time in many years he looked at Mellie and saw his wife. Gone was the ice princess facade she had erected and what he saw rocked his very core. He softened his face and took a deep calming breath.
"Mellie please tell me. What did my father do to you?" Apart of Fitz already knew the answer. If he'd been honest with himself he'd known that answer for fifteen years, but dealing with it was not something he was equipped to do.
A lone tear escaped down Mellie's cheek.
"Please." She dropped her head and he could tell she was trying to compose herself.
"Whatever it is I won't be angry." Mellie's face snapped up.
"You won't be angry?" It was more of an accusation than a question. "Everything is always about you Fitz this is not your moment to be angry in. I have walked through the valley of death for you. I lost pieces of myself for you and you turn my pain into your issue." She scoffed and looked away.
"I didn't mean it that way."
"Whatever you think happened it...it wasn't my fault."
Mellie faltered not entirely believing that it wasn't her fault. She'd wrestled with that moment for the last fifteen years. If she'd only fought harder or screamed louder it would not have happened. If she'd have told Fitz things would have been better but Mellie knew that she was the stronger one and Fitz would not have been able to shoulder that burden so she did it alone. Although she was ripped to shreds on the inside she turned the unfortunate incident into an opportunity to help Fitz become the great man she knew he could be.
"Just let it go."
"I can't let it go. Please tell me Mellie." He was pleading with her to let him in even for one last time.
"Why is this important to you? I am your wife in name only you do not love me. I would think you would be out celebrating with your precious Olivia. Why are you here harassing me? Have you decided to kick me one last time?" Mellie's venomous words cut him to the core. He was desperate to understand how they arrived at this place and he knew she held those answers.
"I'm not trying to kick you Mellie I am trying to understand what happened."
"Fitz you know what happened. I'm an ice queen that never loved you. Your father made us get married because I had pedigree. You never knew love until Olivia came around. You know we've just been pretending all this time and as you said I am tired of pretending."
He shook his head feeling suddenly ashamed at the skewed view of their relationship he'd painted the last five years.
"Mellie you and I both know that I was wrong when I said those things, that the first five years of our marriage was loving and then something changed. I would like to know what."
Mellie let out a slow breath. She was so tired, so very tired. Tired of it all. Tired of being kicked and made to feel like she was nothing. Tired of being blamed for everything wrong in his life when everything she'd done since she met him was for him. She was tired of him most of all. She was tired of him not acknowledging the sacrifices that she made to get him here, her dignity and self respect.
"FItz this all of this does not matter anymore. Our marriage is dead."
"Why won't you tell me?" She knew he was not going to let this go.
She shook her head and smiled ruefully.
"You always have to get your way." Mellie sat heavily on the bed and Fitz came and stood over her.
"I can't understand why you have to keep this secret. This is why our marriage fail apart because you don't know how to be honest and open! All you know is how to manipulate and push away!" The words tore to shreds any self respect that she had left, any small feeling of self worth. She lifted her head and looked into his eyes and what she saw there took her breath away. He stood menacingly over her with a gaze filled with anger, pity and most of all hatred.
"He raped me Fitz! Your father raped me!" The impact of her words hit him like a shot gun blast to the chest. He staggered back and had to grab the arm of the wing back chair to keep from stumbling backwards into the wall. A part of him knew but he'd hoped against all hopes that he was wrong.
She rose from the bed and stood toe to toe with him. "Are you happy now? Now you can go and run and tell everyone what a whore I am. How I was too weak to fight him off. How I let your father fuck me." The last sentence was choked out, she covered her mouth and turned from him. Fitz was brought out of his stupor by her hurt laced words. He walked to her and softly gripped her shoulders. She immediately tensed and shrugged away from him.
"Don't touch me! Why don't you just go, you got what you came here for." Mellie kept her back to him and willed him to leave.
"Is that what happened to us? Did you blame me for what he did?" She laughed but there was no mirth behind it. Mellie shook her head and looked at Fitz over her shoulder.
"You are so selfish and self centered." He bucked his eyes surprised by her words. Fitz walked around to look her in the face but she immediately dropped her face like the carpet had become the most interesting thing in the world.
"Mels look at me." She kept her face tipped down. Fitz gently took hold of her chin to tip her face up. He looked into her eyes and what he saw made him loose his breath. "I didn't know Mellie. I thought that you stopped loving me. I remember you became so withdrawn and cold after Jer..." His words cut off by a sudden realization. Mellie could read his mind.
"He's yours Fitz." He slowly let go of the breath he didn't even realize he was holding. "I had a DNA test shortly after he was born."
"And if he weren't mine then what? Would you have told me?"
"I know what you want me to say but yes if he hadn't been yours I would have told you but I'm sure you don't believe me since I'm big bad Mellie. Because he was yours I felt no need to bring it up."
"I-I don't know what we can do to make this right. What can I do Mellie?" For the first time in years he looked at her and saw his wife, the woman he fail in love with.
"There is no we in this. There has never been a we in anything. I made it right and I'm fine. What you can do is sign the divorce papers." His eyebrows shot up.
"You're still going to divorce me?" Mellie looked at him like he'd suddenly grown two heads.
"Do you think that this revelation will undo the last five years of absolute hell that you have put me through? All the humiliation and the devastation that I have felt at you not only having an affair but that you threw it in my face every chance you could get that you no longer loved me and no longer wanted me around. All those nights I went to bed alone because you were at your precious whore's house. No Fitz there is no we and yes I am still divorcing you."
"If I had known..." She cut him off.
"If you'd known you would have kept it in your pants? You wouldn't have acted like your father at every turn?" A deep look of pain and regret flashed across his face. "Nothing would have been different Fitz. You wouldn't have been able to handle it. You would have eventually found a way to blame me because everything is my fault." Mellie rubbed her forehead trying to will a mounting headache away. "I can't Fitz please I just can't. I'm tired." She said the last part in a strained whisper.
"We can talk more in the morning once you've been able to get some rest." She shook her head.
"No Fitz I am tired. Tired of living like this. Tired of being humiliated. Tired of you. I love you Fitz God knows I do. Everything I've ever done was for you, for your happiness including bringing your whore to you because I wanted you happy, but for the first time since I met you I love me more. It's over and what your father did to me does not change that."
"That's unfair to me Mellie. I didn't know..." She cut him off again.
"And you didn't try to find out either. Fitz you knew something was not right with me and you never made any real efforts to find out what was wrong. I used to stare at you trying to will you to inquire about what was going on with me but in usual Fitz fashion you were too wrapped up in your feelings, in your hurt and pain toward your father to see what he'd done to me. Too wrapped up in your anger over having to run for office and be something other than nothing. I've had to do it all for way too long and now I want to do it all for me."
"It's over?" He said with a strained voice.
The thought of no longer having his safety net scared him. She'd always been his foundation, the one that kept him motivated when he wanted to quit. Mellie was his biggest cheerleader and always pushed him to live up to his greatness and he resented her for believing in him more than he believed in himself. He wanted her to let him be the looser his father always told him he was but she wouldn't let him and in her he found his security. He'd asked her for a divorce in the past but truth be told that was all posturing. He didn't really want her to leave and especially not like this. What would he do without the person that made him great? If she were not around everyone would realize that he was a failure on his own including Olivia. Mellie was the foundation of who Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III was and without his foundation his structure could not withstand.
"Are you done now?" Her voice brought him out of his thoughts. He could tell from the steely calmness in her blue eyes that she was done and nothing he said could make this right but he decided he should try.
"I'm sorry, sorry that I took you for granted. That I did not live up to my vows to love and honor you for better or for worse. I failed you Mellie and I can never apologize enough."
"Thank you Fitzgerald." With the use of his full name he knew that she had completely closed herself off to him. He nodded and turned slowly shuffling toward the door. Before exiting the room he turned to her once more.
"I did... I do love you Mellie." She nodded.
"I know but that is no longer enough for me." Fitz scrunched up his forehead, turned toward the door and walked out without another word.
Mellie crumpled to the bed and for the first time in years, she cried. It wasn't crying for the loss of her marriage. It was for the lost of who she was. She cried for everything that she'd given up for him and in the end she still ended up being the bad person. She cried for the hurt that she still felt because of what his father did to her. Mellie cried for nearly half an hour letting go of twenty years of pent up feelings of disappointment, hurt, betrayal and love. When her body was spent and she no longer had any tears left she gently wiped her face with a Kleenex sat up in bed and took a deep breath. Although she still felt hurt apart of her felt reborn and she knew that there was going to be a light at the end of the tunnel for her. She never imagined it would be without Fitz but for the first time in her adult life she could be great instead of worrying about trying to make him great and with that realization a small smile crept across her features and she felt free.
