Hey! Omg, this is my very first time stepping into this fandom. I'm kinda terrified.
Any who, after watching the Hetalia episode about American history and the birth of America, I thought to myself; wait, what about poor Canada? So, as a Canadian citizen, I've decided to tell Canadian history; HETALIA STYLE!
P.S. When the writing is Italic like this, it means the narrator is talking. Just FYI.
P.S.S. I apologize for my possible inaccuracy. The last time I learned about this crap was in grade seven.
P.S.S.S. I wrote this all in one go, so it probably sucks.
Please review!
Disclaimers: Rated T for swearing, both in English and in French (bilingual, bitches!)
I do not own Hetalia. Sad.
After America picked England over France as a mentor, as you can imagine, France was goddamned pissed.
"How dare he?" France muttered, kicking at stones in the countryside, "What does that little brat know? Turning down fine French food in exchange for the British slop! Crètin!"
In his rage, France traveled north, unknowingly coming across what is known today as Montreal.
"What is this?" France asked himself, looking out at the island in front of him, protected by a powerful thundering river and thick green trees, "Is this the place Jacques(1) told me about? O, c'est magnifique!"
But the fact that it's magnifique doesn't make up for the fact that I'll be stuck here all winter, France thought bitterly. Stupid Francis(2) didn't think I'd need a ride home until April.
"I can do this," France convinced himself, "I will learn to live beautifully in this wilderness! I have the blood of the French in my veins! I CAN DO THIS!"
That night was a living hell.
6:35pm: "Oh, I'm so hungry…"
6:45pm: "Where's the crêperie(3) when you need one?"
7:00pm: "Let's see if I can catch some food. Maybe some poulet, or some boeuf. Oh, I would kill for some paon(4) right now!"
7:01pm: "… avec du potage (5) et d'haricots (6)…"
7:05pm: "How the hell do you even hunt, anyways? You use a bow and arrow, oui? Or was it a sword…"
7:06pm: "I don't have either..."
7:14pm: "Ah, merde, it just got dark!"
7:15pm: "And it's so c-c-c-cold!"
7:17pm: "I'M GOING TO DIE OUT HEEEEEERE! BWAAAAAAAHHHH!"
It took exactly forty-two minutes for France to break in the wilderness.
And I don't even want to mention when he had to go to the bathroom.
The next morning…
"Argh," France rubbed his sleep-deprived eyes, "This is going to kill me. I'll never be able to survive when the snow sets in."
But then France saw it. The little flash of a blond head.
"Wh-wh-who was that?" France called out, shaking with fear, "Sh-show yourself!"
Out of the bushes appeared a small boy, who bore a remarkable resemblance to America, except for his brown tunic, leggings, and moccasins (7).
"America!" France exclaimed, "What are you doing up here? And where is England?"
"I'm not America," the young country muttered in a soft voice, "I'm Canada."
"Canada?" France asked. The little country nodded. "Well, do you know how to survive up here? I'm afraid I'm stuck here for the next few months."
"Of course I do," Canada declared quietly, "I'll teach you how to live."
And so, Canada started the long and frustrating journey of teaching the modernized France to live off the land.
And that's where I stop. For now. How do you think France will bear with this?
This is my first Hetalia fanfic, and I hope I'm able to do this accurately. Oh, and actually finish it, as opposed to my other fics… * bursts into tears of shame *
Anyways, please comment and review. Now here's the boring history, citations, and translations!
THE ACTUAL HISTORY (as I remember it from grade seven :P Note: Eventually gave up and went to Wikipedia)
The first European man to set foot on actual Canadian soil (as opposed to American, which was Christopher Columbus, of course) was the Frenchman Jacques Cartier, ordered to go there by the French king Francis I to find another passage to Asia, like Chris Columbus tried to do.
After twenty days, Cartier reached what he thought was Asia, but turned out to be Canada. Though it wasn't until his second mission he reached the village of Hochelaga, known today as Montreal, where he met some Iroquois who taught him and his 110 men to live in the notoriously nasty Canadian winters.
To be continued…
References!
(1)Referring to Jacques Cartier, the first man to set foot on the island of Montreal, or the first person to set foot into modern-day Canada!
(2)Referring to King Francis I, the ruler of France at the time. Not to be confused with Francis Bonnefoy, France's human name.
(3)A place where you buy crêpes.
(4)Roasted peacock. A medieval French delicacy.
(5)Thick veggie soup. Commoner's food. An odd choice to go with paon.
(6)Steamed beans. Again, common food.
(7)This is what I remember First Nations would wear from seventh grade history. If I'm incorrect (which is likely), I apologize.
French dictionary!
Crètin: Idiot, cretin, buffoon, ninny, moron, dipshit… you get the idea.
O, c'est magnifique: Oh, how magnificent!
Poulet et boeuf: Chicken and beef, respectively. Neither of which are indigenous to the Montreal area…
Paon: Peacock. Not indigenous to Canada as a whole.
Avec du potage et haricots: With thick veggie soup and steamed beans.
Oui: C'mon, everyone knows this one!
Merde: Shit.
