"Okay then. Everyone ready to go?"
Jim Hacker, Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, was standing in his study, looking around. This in itself was not unusual, although today the expression on his face was one of excitement, as opposed to its usual one of bewilderment. What was unusual (apart from the fact that Sir Humphrey Appleby was in the room and Jim wasn't bewildered) were the seven suitcases, along with various other small bags, that Annie Hacker was just finishing organising in a neat pile in the centre of the room.
"I can't believe that in 24 hours' time, we will be in Melbourne. In Australia!" Annie said, dropping the final bag, belonging to Sir Arnold Robinson, on the top of the pile. Her excitement quickly turned to dismay as the whole pile swayed precariously before collapsing.
Sir Frank Gordon, Permanent Secretary of the Treasury, looked at the bags scattered across the room without much interest. Turning his attention to Annie, he said, "I'm sure we all know where Melbourne is, dear lady."
"Frank," warned Arnold.
"Sorry."
"Actually, we'll be there in 33 hours," Bernard Woolley remarked.
"What?" Jim asked, his face resuming its well-known look of bewilderment.
"The flight's not that long, Bernard," added Annie with a smile.
"It will be if we miss the plane," muttered Arnold under his breath.
"What I mean is that it's a question of maths, as well as time differences," Bernard continued. "Melbourne is 9 hours ahead of us, correct? Well, the flight leaves Heathrow at 11am today and we will arrive in Melbourne at 8pm tomorrow night. This, when you work it out, equals 33 hours."
"Thank you, Bernard," said Humphrey in a tone of voice that indicated he wasn't really thanking him at all.
"As a matter of fact, it's a good thing it is winter over there at the moment. Otherwise, it would be 34 hours, because they have daylight savings over there from October to March. Well, not all the states, just the southern ones. Not to mention..."
"Thank you, Bernard," repeated Humphrey, more firmly this time. "I'm sure you don't need to mention it."
Looking sheepish, Bernard stopped talking. Dorothy Wainwright looked from Bernard to Humphrey, an expression of disapproval on her face.
"However, the fact remains that from our perspective, we will be in Melbourne in 24 hours," she said logically.
"Exactly," agreed Annie, giving Dorothy a grateful smile.
"Look, we're not going to get anyway if we don't leave soon," said Humphrey, sounding exasperated.
"Quite right, Humphrey," Jim said, clapping his hands together and rubbing them eagerly.
So, finally they were off. As less than half of their journey was counted as official government business, they would have had to pay for a car and driver if they had wanted one. The Prime Minister, however, was eager to be seen spending less money than his predecessor, so instead Jim had arranged to hire a mini-bus to take them to the airport, much to the horror of Sir Humphrey.
"A mini-bus?" he had exclaimed when Jim had told him.
"A mini-bus, Humphrey. A completely appropriate and thoroughly economical mode of transport."
"But you can't expect...," Humphrey had spluttered.
"What, Humphrey? Surely, you don't consider it to be beneath you?"
Jim had known exactly how Humphrey had felt (and, in all likelihood, still felt). However, Humphrey apparently hadn't known that Jim knew, because with Jim's statement, he had rapidly switched to grovelling.
"I am thinking about you, Prime Minister. Surely you don't want them to see you looking so ordinary?"
"Why not? It can't harm my image in any way to be seen as one of the people. It will also show that I am sympathetic to the problems many people are facing due to the state of the economy."
"Yes, but..."
"Anyway, with seven of us going, it's the only really viable option available to us."
Humphrey had been unable to think up an argument to this statement fast enough to continue fighting his point, so a mini-bus was what they were going in. As Jim had pointed out, they were only going to the airport in it, not the whole way to Australia.
Getting from the Prime Minister's study to the mini-bus outside turned out to take a lot more time than any of them had expected. To begin with, the lift had been switched off for the summer holidays, so they had to take the stairs. This was quite difficult enough, as the men each had two bags, while Annie and Dorothy each had three. They were managing surprisingly well though, until Bernard lost his grip on one of his bags. Annie, who was immediately behind him, didn't notice what had happened; because she was too busy talking to Dorothy, who was behind her. Neither did she notice Bernard stopping to to pick up the bag he had dropped.
Arnold, second from the back, did notice. All too late he yelled a warning, "Look out!"
Annie ran into Bernard, just as he was bending down, and they both fell down the remaining stairs, taking out Jim on the way through, the three of them ending up in a complicated heap at the bottom. To make matters worse, as the others went to their assistance, Humphrey slipped, his legs going out in front of him, knocking Dorothy off her feet. They didn't fall down the stairs (to the relief of the three people already there), rather Humphrey ended up sitting on the stairs, with Dorothy (to her great embarrassment) in his lap.
There was a brief pause as everyone came to terms with all that had just happened, and then Arnold spoke.
"Is everyone okay?" He was trying his hardest to sound concerned, but he couldn't hide the smile that came from watching Dorothy trying to get up. Behind him, Frank was having a coughing fit, trying, without much success, to cover his laughter. Dorothy finally put her hand on Humphrey's knee and pushed herself up that way, ignoring his yelp of pain. Arnold and Frank continued to watch in amusement as Humphrey stood up as well and began dusting himself off as Dorothy was doing, both of their faces glowing with humiliation.
They weren't the only ones in an embarrassing situation. At the bottom of the stairs, Jim had managed to stand up, after pushing away the suitcase that had fallen on his leg. Looking down at Annie and Bernard, he didn't know whether to be angry or amused. Despite the fact that Annie had been behind her husband and Bernard coming down the stairs, she had ended up lying on her back at the bottom of the pile, with Bernard lying face down on top of her.
Looking up at Bernard's face, about an inch from hers, she said, "Um, Bernard, could you please...?"
"Sorry, Mrs Hacker," he said, getting up very quickly. His embarrassment was clear to all, which became part of the reason Jim didn't pursue the incident further.
The other part of the reason came from Sir Frank. By this time, he and Arnold had reached the bottom of the stairs, and as Arnold helped Annie up (because it was quite apparent to him no-one else was going to), Frank glanced at his watch.
"Prime Minister, I don't wish to rush you; it is hardly my place to be peremptory, but it's already a quarter past nine..."
After first thanking Arnold, Annie said, "Aren't we supposed to be there an hour before the plane departs to check in?"
"My pleasure, dear lady," Arnold replied with a smile. "And in answer in your question, yes, we do have to check in by ten o'clock. Therefore, I suggest that we seriously consider making our intention to embark on our journey within the window of time we are immediately faced with, and subsequently acting upon this intention so that we can be certain, or at least as certain as our time constraints will allow us to be, that we will arrive at our immediate destination in time to allow us to travel to our eventual one."
"Never mind all that, let's just go," replied Jim impatiently.
As everyone picked up their bags in preparation to leave, there was one thought going through all their minds: would they get into the airport in time? Was their trip over before it had even begun?
