Disclaimers:

First of all, I am not Stephenie Meyer, and do not own any of her characters (thank God), and some of the quotes here.

Secondly, I have read Twilight.

I have read New Moon.

I have read Eclipse.

I have NOT read Breaking Dawn. However, I have been told more than once about the book's plot, so I know what happens.

Thirdly, I used to like the Twilight series. I slowly got sick of the fangirls and then got sick of the books. I was never an obsessive Twilight fan, but I did like Twilight quite a bit at one point. But I got over it.

Fourthly, these parodies of Twilight are not meant to be sophisticated. Do not inspect any good writing here. I have very little plan here, so, yeah. It's going to be mostly dialogue, if not ALL dialogue, so it might be a bit hard to follow.

And finally, I'm not stupid. I'm not a loser. It's physically impossible for me to fuck myself. And I'm not about to kill myself or change my mind about these books just because of something someone told me via Internet.

In addition, Edward isn't hotter than me, and if you opened the book and read maybe three pages of it you'd realize that Edward can't be hot, just as he can't sleep.

Thank you.

However, feel free to get as defensive and rude as you like. I revel in your insults.


Twilight:

"My name is Isabella Swan, and I'm a Mary-Sue - I mean, a plain average girl. I had no life or dreams, and then I moved to Forks. Huh. Is it me, or are all the guys being really nice? Guess they're friendly... Ew, I'm so pale- Oh look, a good-looking person."

"My name is Edward Cullen and you smell nice. I want to eat you, but instead I'm going to go around everywhere and save you from cars and rapists who inexplicably want to screw you. Why? Because I think I'm in love with you, even though we've only talked twice before."

"Um, okay then. You're so beautiful that I creamed myself. But... why do you want to eat me?"

"SAY IT OUT LOUD."

"Is it because you're a vampire?"

"What? No way. That's totally crazy. I'm actually a Mary-Sue - Wait, I mean, yes. Yes I am."

"Oh. ...You're not really seventeen years old, are you?"

"Um... no."

"How old are you?"

"SAY IT OUT LOUD."

"One hundred?"

"Yeah, that's about right."

"Wow, you're totally not a pedophile. I can completely trust you, can't I?"

"Yep."

"In that case, I'm going to forget all my friends and you can go watch me sleep and stalk me!"

"Yay! Oh, and guess what else I can do? I can sparkle in the sunlight!"

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY. Isn't that just fantabulous?"

"..."

"..."

"Um, are you gay?"

"Uh..."

"Well? Are you?"

"...SAY IT OUT LOUD."

"...?"

"HEY, LOOK OVER THERE! A DISTRACTION!"

"Really? What is it?"

"Um... Uh... JAMES IS TRYING TO KILL YOU!"

"What? I am?"

"Yes, you are. You are trying to kill Bella. -Edward kills the poor innocent James-"

"Yaaaaaay! You saved my life!"

"Yes. Yes I did. I totally saved your life."

"..."

"..."

"But, seriously, ARE you gay?"


Author's Notes: Did you notice the movie jokes? I haven't actually watched the movie, but the "say it out loud" thing was so creepy in the previews. And did you notice the "You're so beautiful that I creamed myself" thing? Robert Pattinson said something like that, apparently, claiming that the book was pretty much "Edward was so beautiful that I creamed myself." So I thought I'd throw that in there. I hope you like it. New Moon will be out soon.