Smoke fills the air, and Bakugou feels his mind hazing over. He's not totally fucked up yet - not like Kirishima and Kaminari, who have already left this world and entered a new one - but he wants to be. He needs to be, needs be totally numb and emotionless and non-existent. Completely wipe out his mind like a fucked-up experiment, and let him feel something close to happiness.
"How are you feeling, bro?" Kirishima asks, voice as lazy and droopy as his body. Bakugou knows the question is directed towards him, but he ignores it, inhaling the smoke into his lungs. He feels floaty, so light as feather, like Uraraka is fucking with him or something, but he still doesn't feel out of it.
Kirishima asks again.
"None of your fucking business," Bakugou spits, his face growing hot and his heart growing hotter. What the fuck is this, some questionnaire? Don't speak; just feel.
"Shut the fuck up," he adds, just to make sure the peanut gallery understands.
(Kaminari doesn't because Kaminari never understands.)
"Dude, you gotta talk about Midori -"
"Don't say his fucking name!"
The air gets thick and it's not because of the smoke. Kaminari blurts out a fear-laced apology and Kirishima scolds him. Their voices are whispers but Bakugou can hear them as if they're screaming right in his ear.
Denki, dude, you can't be like that. He's still not over him.
I mean, he's gotta talk about it fam. He can't keep it -
He'll talk about him when he's ready.
Everything grows so loud and Bakugou's head is pounding, so he screams, ripping his vocal chords apart with pure hate. Kirishima and Kaminari quiet down, and the world is at a false peace. Who are they to talk about him like he's some fucking museum exhibit? He's here, damnit, here and still alive. Katsuki Bakugou still exists and he's going to keep existing until he grows tired of it.
(Until he's certain that Izuku is far out of his reach.)
So what if he's not over him? That's normal, right? Is he supposed to be over him? Is supposed to forget about Izuku Midoriya, to remove those emerald eyes from his memory. Is supposed to wash him away, throw him away like a bad batch of weed? Is that he should do? Because he can't. He fucking can't remove a force like that from his mind. Izuku Midoriya is engraved in his heart, carved in, tattooed on his skin. There's no forgetting the taste of his soft lips or the curves of his slender body.
That's one drug Katsuki longs for, and the withdrawal is killing him slowly and painfully.
He feels the tears burn his eyes and he screams louder because this is Deku's fault (though it's not really Deku's, because Deku's an angel and Kacchan's a sinner and Katsuki's thought process has always been fucked up). He thinks Kaminari and Kirishima are holding him down - something's stopping him from blowing himself and everything to bits - and he screams more because that is the only way Katsuki Bakugou can function at this point.
The smoke begins to dissipate, the smell of illegal substances grows weaker, and he feels himself falling back to that cruel bitch called reality.
Katsuki yells and sobs and Izuku's name escapes his lips.
when i got the lo-fi playlist blasting and it inspires hella bakudeku fics. feels smooth my dudes.
why can't i write happy bakudeku lol. someone request it so i'll be forced to write it.
(also, the fact that in the character selection thingy, there is "e. kirishima" and "eijirou k." is really fucking interesting and funny.)
