Kavaul; I hold no responsibility for the ownership of Labyrinth

Kavaul; I hold no responsibility for the ownership of Labyrinth. BUT. If I ever get kidnapped by a sexy guy called, 'The Goblin King', I have the Traveler's Guide to the Labyrinth. :D

Traveler's guide to the Labyrinth

Step 1. If you are at the hill, continue forward towards the castle. Do not be disturbed if you see a floating clock in the tree and a Goblin King telling you it is dangerous at the hill. Walk calmly past.

Step 2. Once you get to the walls, interact with the ugly dwarf. His name is Hoggle. Stay away from any fairies you see; they will bite you. And they hurt, too.

Step 3. Ask him if he will show you the door. He will summon a door you probably didn't see later. Once you've opened them, turn to the right, and continue for a length of time.

Step 4. If you see a small blue, talking worm, talk to it. If you decide to skip this, there is an illusion in front of his hole. Feel your way to it. Feel free to squish the effin' worm. For no reason at all, nothing suggesting that he knows the way to the Kingdom. Really.

Step 5. If you found the illusion, proceed by going in whichever direction you'd prefer. Usually others go right again.

Step 6. If you've followed Step 5, do not mark the stones with lipstick. The inhabitants that live under them will mess with them. If not, they will return for revenge and defacement of property. Believe me; it is Not Pretty. If you get to the Helping Hands, always go down. There's an oubliette. If you move a cloth in the corner of the room, there is a hidden exit. Take off the Firey's heads and throw them somewhere, and make your way to the wall with the rope.

Step 7. If any annoying Goblin Kings interrupt you during the quest, ignore him. And his pants. The best way to defeat a total of five Goblins wearing helmets with Anklebiter spears is to hit their helmets with rocks, by the way.

Step 8. If you are at the castle with the Goblin King, and he attempts to make you his slave, Quote; 'Fear me, love me, do as I say, and I shall be your slave.' Unquote, pay no attention. Please, feel free to take one of his feathers as a souvenir.

Step 9. That line you forgot goes, 'You have no power over me.' Or, if you're so forgetful, it's, 'Through dangers untold, and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City, to take back the child you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, my Kingdom as great. You have no power over me.' Please have a safe flight back to your home.

Step 10. Do not be disturbed if you hear creepy music during your hike. Please have a nice day and enjoy your trip. And if Jareth asks you who gave you this, it was not Sarah. I swear.

Thank you for purchasing the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Labyrinth.

Please enjoy your trip through the Goblin King's Lands, a wonderful hiking area. Do not feed the goblins or monsters, please, and keep your hands to yourself.

A specialized packet is included with this book in case you fall into the Bog of Stench. If you have any complaints, take them to the Goblin King and go bother him. Thank you very much.

The end.

((… Jareth could never figure out why he kept getting complaints about something that involved a book and a packet of powder. Clorox or something.))

((…He never realized that Sarah was the reason why every single traveler won the stupid Labyrinth only a month after she'd won. This resulted in far more Goblin accidents.))