Really, you can probably just click that back button. I'm sure nothing interesting will happen.
ATOTALLYBORING-fuck, what was that title again? Ah well, I don't give a shit anyway…
BY DA GAMES ELITE and DARKANGELX110
CHAPTER 1
"Oh, Edward! Last night was a little…kinky."
Edward chuckled as he wiped the blood off of his face with a werewolf skin rag towel. The night before had indeed been kinky. It was probably a good thing that his daughter was able to age so quickly, or else she'd never have known how to operate the video recorder to tape their Paris Hilton-esque porn tape. It was her duty as a woman to do that, after all. Because, in Forks, that's all women could do. Just produce children and film porn tapes. It wasn't like they had rights or anything. Nah, that'd just be silly.
And so after filming the porn tape of Paris Hilton off the television (what? You think there'd be a sex scene in a fan-fiction?), Rene-fuck it, I'm calling her Nessie-decided to ask what the tape was of. "Well, Rene-Renny-Rena-Bella, what's the point of naming our daughter something we can't even pronounce?"
Bella would've replied, but she was asleep. Apparently she read that vampires do that during the daytime, so she decided she should at least pretend to act like a vampire now that she had become one. She was sleeping in a black lace coffin she had exhumed out of the dirt. She had disposed of the body in the garage, making sure to sort the meat into separate bags to recycle later that day. After all, just because she was a vampire didn't mean she didn't need to be eco-friendly.
Anyway, the point of all that gibberish was that she was asleep.
…too much information? Never!
"Daddy? I had a question-"
"Right, right, get it over with. You need to make me a sandwich so I can watch Bella while she's sleeping. It's better than the Jersey Shore."
"Vampires eat sandwiches?"
"The question?"
"Right, well, what are they doing?"
"Well, Nessie, when a man and a woman love each other-wait, I thought your mind progressed past this stage already."
"I'm only two years old, ya know. Just because I'm articulate enough to hold a conversation doesn't mean I'm mature enough to grasp the concept of sexual intercourse…or have the muscle strength to control bladder movements."
"…that would explain the brown stains on the carpet."
And then Jacob hopped through the window. After all, it would've been tricky to just break into the house like Edward did. He was shirtless, as always, but was still wearing dark combat boots, black leather pants, black nail polish, and a black bowtie.
Did we mention he had turned goffick?
Because, if we did, that would be a lie. He just lost a bet.
"Hi guys!"
"…daddy, why is my future slave here?"
"Don't mind him, Recoughcoughcough," Edward said, scaling himself up against his romantic rival. Why was it he always came here? Was it because he thought he could woo Bella with his good looks, charming personality, and strange aversion to shirts? Was it because of those gorgeous abs and those beautiful eyes and that sweet ass of his?
"Hey there, Eddy," Jacob said, drawing closer, his hot breath burning against Edward's forehead, so intense that it actually began to mist against his crystal-like skin, "Is my future mother-in-law here?"
"You mean your former girlfriend?"
"What's the difference?"
Edward nodded, understanding the logic behind those words. "She's just asleep. Want to watch?"
Jacob stared at Edward with a look of sheer horror, his eyebrows twisted in fear as he slowly backed away, stumbling through the glass of the window. His throat was slashed, his face skewered against the pipes below, and his testicles-well, let's not mention that.
On the positive side, his abs got out okay.
Edward walked over to Bella, only to find Jacob standing there. "Didn't you die?"
"Haven't you ever heard of the Revolving Death Door?"
"…what?"
Jacob cleared his throat as he made himself look as academic and clever as possible considering he lacked any clothing. "Elementary, my dead Edston. In this world, there is a concept of life and death being separated by a revolving door. If you look outside, you'd still find my dead body rotting there, collecting worms."
"I would?"
"No, not really. You'd just find a dancing unicorn."
"Oh, okay." Edward nodded in agreement before freezing in place. He dashed toward the window with his daughter as he watched a white pony burst out of Jacob's body, covered in its own bile and flesh, his organs draped over his horn and mane like a twisted fur coat of dead baby sea otters.
On the positive side, his abs got out okay.
"Ew! That's just disgusting!" the unicorn cried, having a panic attack as the dirty organs drooled on her skin.
"Daddy, did the unicorn just develop OCD?" Nessie asked.
"Ren, did you just overlook the fact that there's a unicorn out there?" Edward asked, confused.
"You realize I'm still two, right?" Nessie queried.
"…remind me to return that car I bought for you last week," Edward murmured as the unicorn, who from here on out shall be named Purity, sprinted off and washed out the blood in a puddle of mud. Then Purity realized she was washing in a puddle of mud, cried, and then, with her cries, ripped a hole in space and time.
…unicorns can do that.
A great rainbow crack ran through the air, bisecting the sky and universe apart right down the middle as multicolored beams of light explosively sprinkled out of the vortex. Edward stared transfixed at the hole that progressively started to resemble what could only be described in terms of a pseudo-sexual nature, and, despite this fan-fic having no qualms about exposing your virgin minds to odd imagery, the authors are too lazy to go into any detail about what this thing looks like.
"Daddy, why does that look like where I came from?" Nessie asked.
"Don't look at it!" Edward snapped, shielding his daughter's eyes.
"But she already looked at porn, so why-" Jacob began, only for Edward to pull a gun out of Jacob's pants, and spew its contents against his chest until the werewolf was dead, a bloody smear on the ground.
On the positive side, his abs got out okay.
"How did you know he had a gun?" Nessie asked.
Staring at the gun, Edward shrugged. "I didn't."
"What?"
From Jacob's splintered corpse emerged two unicorns, one blue and one pink, blood erupting from the corpse. They were laughing in high pitched voices, cheering Satanic verses with a maniacal laugh on their tongues. That wasn't what pissed Edward off, however.
The abs hadn't gotten out okay.
Edward aimed the gun at the two unicorns, and fired, only to find the bullets bounce off, and hit his daughter in the head. Since death was a revolving door in this universe, he didn't worry himself about his daughter's death or anything. She'd be back before he knew it, anyway. However, the fact those damn unicorns coming out of the werewolf's body was disturbing him, driving him mad with fear and horror at their indestructible nature. What sort of eldritch abominations were these creatures? What sort of citizens from the inferno spewed these creatures from their inner regions?
"Charlie! We have to find the banana king!"
"The banana king knows ALL! Charlie!"
"Who the fuck is Charlie?"
"Charlie! You're our new Charlie, Charlie!"
"The last one ran out of kidneys, Charlie!"
"Your kidneys are the only thing that can fuel the Candy Mountain Death Ray, Charlie!"
"The death ray is the only thing that can stop the Banana King's blue penis, Charlie!"
"Why won't you die?" Edward snapped, finding that, despite firing far more bullets than what could be contained in the gun's magazine, bullets still spewed out of the barrel, deflecting off the hysterical, demonic spawns of unicorn Hell.
And then a bullet bounced and hit him in the fore
