Authors Note:
Just a little thing that I came up with while listening to "Our Deal," by Best Coast. It was so heartbreaking that I just had to write something about it. This is a one-short, but I could be persuaded with enough reviews to turn it into a story... but we'll see.
Bella's POV: Our Deal
X
"When you leave me,
The bed is empty."
I wake up with a startle, but I am not shocked at what I see. Nothing. There is nobody next to me, but that's okay. I try to pretend there is no bitterness inside my heart that the boy that was next me last night did not stay.
"And I feel crazy
'Cause I didn't say anything."
The worst part is, that I knew that this would happen because it's happened each and every time he's come to my door or has called me in the middle of the night. I know what's going to happen. I'm not stupid or ignorant; but the truth is, I always regret it. But not enough to not open the door when he comes back again.
"I wish you would tell me,
How you really feel."
I always wonder about it afterwards, when I'm putting my clothes back on by myself. Is there an underlying reason as to why he always comes back? Other than what the obvious benefit my body gives him? Because sometimes he stays long enough to where he whispers stuff to me that lights my heart alive. Like, "You're the only one I can really trust." and "You're such a good person." and my personal favorite, when he's halfway asleep, "You have the most beautiful soul."
"But you'll never tell me,
'Cause that's not our deal."
There's always hope after these encounters; that things will be different this time. There's hope that I will have the bravery and guts to go up to him and demand him to tell me his actual, true feelings for me.
But every time I see him when I get to work, laughing with another of his female co workers, I know I could never ask. And that he would never tell me.
"When you leave me,
You take away everything."
I don't talk to him and try to avoid him without it seeming obvious. That's one thing he's made clear from Day 1. Nobody can know. No one.
Keeping it a secret isn't difficult for me; I generally don't express my personal life to anybody, but this is a hurtful secret. It's something that tells me that I will always been hidden.
"You take all my money,
You take all my weed."
When we sit in meetings, with all the other moderators, I can see the other guys lingering eyes. One goes as far to compliment me and calls me a "bad bitch." I laugh it off, but look at his face to see if there is any reaction from him. Any trace of jealousy or possessiveness; anything. But there is nothing there. He laughs along with everyone else, and doesn't seem to mind at all. I realize, for the 100th time, that he would not mind if I got involved with any of these men here.
And I could never ask him to care.
"I wish you would tell me,
How you really feel."
Days pass, and I tell my best friend, Alice, about our most recent encounter. Her smile turns sour as soon as I utter his name; she doesn't understand why I keep letting him inside the door. Why I don't just quit; both the relationship and the job. But that's always been the problem; I love my job, and I love my coworkers. I love the fun of it, I love the atmosphere, the jokes, the laughter. And although I would never admit it out loud, I love my boss. Despite it all, he is the funniest man I have ever met, but also the most aware. He is just… he just is.
"When will you realize that he's never going to pursue anything with you that's not sexual? He's not even public about that!" She scolds, stabbing at her salad. Although she makes it clear that she's angry, she also sounds defeated. She knows this will fall on deaf ears.
"But you'll never tell me,
'Cause that's not our deal."
"Of course he's not going to go public with it. He's my boss. It would considered inappropriate. He knows that. Besides, he's made it clear when people ask him about relationships that he's not ready for that. I can wait." I promise. And I know I can; I just have to be patient. I just have to wait for him to see me.
"How long are you going to wait for?" She frowns. "It's been a year."
A lump forms in my throat, but I try to not let the tears seep their way into my voice.
"As long as it takes."
"I wish you would tell me,
How you really feel…"
I walk into work, with the intention of starting the domino effect. I will confront him about it. I will ask him to be serious with me; he has to be. He's not one to answer private, personal questions, but I find myself not caring. We have shared too much with each other, literally, for him to pull away from me emotionally.
I will get answers.
"But you'll never tell me…"
"Meeting! We're having a meeting," Emmett whispers to me. I internally curse. I wanted to have the talk with him before work officially started but it seems that fate is working against me today too.
I walk into the meeting room, and sit down next to Caius, and Emmett. I look around for one of our usuals, Victoria, but see that she's missing. "Where's Victoria?" I whisper to Emmett.
He shrugs. "Maybe James finally got to her. You know how long he's been trying to convince her to go have drinks with him. Maybe she finally gave in." I let out a laugh, and silently wish Victoria good luck. James is a force to be reckoned with.
"What's the meeting about?" I ask him.
He shrugs and says, "Apparently it's an announcement."
I don't pay it any heed, and continue with my thought process. Already, I'm overthinking it and I know it. I wonder if I should have prepared a speech, a declaration… but I know he's not superficial. I know that honest and to the point is the best way to go.
"Hey everybody!" We hear his voice, and everyone turns around but me. I'm too nervous to look at him in his face. When he walks in, everyone snickers, but some let out a little gasp. I see Victoria and her red hair take her seat in my peripheral, but pay her no mind that she's late. He's not too strict when it comes to that stuff either way.
But when I look at her, and him, and both their faces are flushed, and both have sly smiles on their faces, my heart stiffens. I can't understand what's going on, but at the same time, I know exactly what's going on.
"I have an announcement."
My face is red, but I don't know if it's from anger or embarrassment. Embarrassment is worse; it's embarrassment towards myself.
"Victoria and I have discussed some things…" everyone snickers. "Shut up," he continues, with a grin on his face. He gestures for her to join him, and she stands up and meets him at the head of the table. She never takes her eyes off of him.
"Victoria and I would like to announced that we are in a serious relationship, are engaged to be married."
"'Cause that's not your deal."
I almost want to scream. I want to do anything but sit here and force myself to smile and clap along with everyone else. Emmett, next to me "woops!" his glee, and I force myself to laugh. I hope no one can see the pinched look in my eyes. I hope no one can see or wonder why I'm blushing so hard.
His eyes meet mine, and they are full with general content; I look away without smiling back. When I chance a look back at him, he seems… concerned. He looks confused, as to why he could see no reason as to why I would be the least bit upset.
Of course he never told me about his feelings.
"That's not your deal,"
Of course he had no interest.
"That's not my deal,"
He never told me anything because there was nothing to tell.
I walk out of the meeting room, my heart heavy and my jaw sore from trying to keep my tears locked away for another time, another day. I feel a hand grasp my wrist, and I jerk back to look; to look at him.
His eyes are still full of confusion, and perhaps… hurt?
"Are you okay?" He asks, whispering. His eyes dart around to see if anyone's listening to us and I'm bitterly reminded that even now, now that he's acknowledging my existence individually, I'm still hidden. I'm still a dirty little secret.
"No," I respond sharply, wrenching my hand from him. Now I'm angry.
He stares, even more confused. "What's wrong?"
"That's not your deal,"
I glance at his eyes, and feel tears fill up in my eyes again.
"Do you really have no idea what you did?" I whisper back, hating the way my voice waters up. I raise my hand up and fist his shirt, not caring who sees. I'm tired of not being seen. His eyebrows furrow, and right now, I can tell he doesn't care who sees right now. I know that he senses that people are watching us, and that the office is becoming eerily quiet. He places his hand on my wrist, but not to make me pull it away - in a concerned way.
I clear my throat.
"That's not my deal,"
"Why do you think I let all of that happen between us? Why do you think I was so open to… us? All this time?"
"That's not your deal,"
"Because… because you… you find me attractive?" His voice is uncertain, and I know the truth is in sight.
"That's not my deal,"
My heart breaks. And I see the realization on his face.
"That's not your deal,"
"You're in love with me?"
I take a deep breath.
"I'll place my resignation letter on your desk first thing tomorrow morning."
He gasps so quietly, and grips my wrist tighter.
I let go of his shirt.
"That's not my deal."
"Isabella... Bella, I -"
"I hope you and Victoria have a good life." I don't look at him, and I let my voice become loud enough for everyone to hear. "And don't worry," I continue quietly, "I won't tell anyone about this."
"That's not what I'm worri-" He starts to say, but the touch of his girlfriend stops him. His eyes skirt back from me to her, and I know he's having a hard time making a choice. Except he and I both know there was never a choice.
Even if there was, it would have never been me.
"Goodbye, Edward."
"I wish you would tell me,
How you really feel,"
I hear a knock at my door later that night, and I don't even try to wonder who it is. And I know that right now, I can make the right choice. I can. I could. I should.
But I open the door.
"But you'll never tell me…"
When I wake up, there's no one in my bed.
"'Cause that's not our deal."
X
Our Deal - Best Coast.
Thank you for reading.
