It was December 24th. Almost everything was ready for Santa Claus to make his yearly trek around the world. The sleigh was loaded with toys, the reindeer were fed, and the weather was clear. There was only one thing missing: Santa was nowhere to be found. The elves were getting worried.
"Where the hell is that asshole?" asked Sydney, the Jewish elf.
"Yo, I don't fuckin' know," said Leroy, the African American elf, "All I know is there be a whole lotta kids that be waitin' on his cracka ass."
"The las' time anybody heared from him was two days ago," added Buford, the redneck elf.
"Yes, he called from that awful little whore house in town. Why do men insist on going to that place?" said Brucie, the fag elf.
"You mean The Boobie Trap, homie?" asked Leroy. "That place be the bizz-omb!"
"You are a pig, Leroy," shot back Brucie.
Then a very intoxicated St. Nick came staggering into the room.
"Wha' the fuck's goin' on, little peoples?" asked Santa. "Is my fuckin' ride ready yet?"
"Where the hell have you been, Santa?" asked Sydney.
"You writin' a fuckin' book, Jew boy?" asked Santa.
"Santa! You're drunk! How could you?" cried Brucie.
"Listen you little dick ninja, whatever I do is my own goddamn business," Santa said. "You little midget assholes just get my shit ready to go. I'll handle my end."
Brucie ran from the room in tears, shocked and saddened by what Santa had said.
"Don't cha think you was a little hard on the faggot, boss?" asked Buford.
"You know what, you hillbilly dickhead?" shouted Santa. "I don't give a rat's shit about the little ass monkey. I'm tired of tryin' to mind everybody's fuckin' feelings. What about me? What about Santa? Who gives a goddamn about my feelings? Does anyone care about ol' St. Nick? Do they? Hell no! I give and give and give! What have I gotten in return? You know what the last present I got was? Fuckin' AIDs! From Mrs. Claus! And I know she got it from you, Leroy, you little nigger bastad! I also know she's been fuckin' you too, Sydney. I should've listened to my father when he said 'Nickey, ol' boy, never trust a fuckin' Jew.' And don't think that I don't know that bitch has been suckin' your dick, Buford, you chickenshit motherfucker! But tonight is my night. Tonight, Santa's gonna pay back some fuckin' debts."
Santa then proceeded to draw a handgun and shoot Sydney in the head.
"Holy sheeit!" screamed Leroy. "The muthafucka's done lost his damn mind!"
"Shut up, boy, and jest run!" yelled Buford.
"Who the fuck you be callin' boy, honkey?"
Those were the last words that Leroy ever spoke, as a three bullets ripped through his torso. Then Santa aimed and shot Buford in the leg. He went down with a big thud. Santa casually walked over and emptied the rest of the clip into Buford's body.
"Merry Christmas, motherfuckers," Santa said. He then turned to his reindeer and said, "Let's go to work, boys. I gotta hire some more workers when we get back."
