Sometimes I wondered what sunlight felt like.
It looked warm, that was for sure. So bright and golden. Even the lightest rays would warm the glass of the small window in the room my brothers and I shared. Every so often, I would place my hand on the glass to feel the warmth. It felt strange, but surprisingly soothing. I never knew warmth, or sunlight. Only the cold sterile white walls of the laboratories, and the annoying buzz of fluorescent lighting above my head.
I sometimes wondered what life would be like outside these walls, but my brothers always shushed me whenever I tried to talk about it. The scientists would not like me talking about leaving the lab, especially Hojo. I had a purpose here. All three of us did. At least, that's what he always told us. I had believed them once, but…now I'm not so sure. This life wasn't normal. But, what was normal if this is all we knew?
I may be small, but I'm not a stupid kid. I know normal isn't screaming your head off everyday. Normal isn't tears and pain and being strapped to a table by scientists while they probed you and cut you and injected you with strange liquids that burned your insides. No, that's not normal. I was so tired of always trying to comfort my poor big brothers. I was sick of telling them that everything would be okay, even when I knew it wouldn't be.
Lozzie please stop crying
We can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful
And it's tearing us down.
We hear patients screaming
As we sit up in our beds.
You know Yazzie didn't mean
Those nasty things he said.
Lozzie was the oldest, but he didn't like pain. He cried a lot. It hurt me and Yazzie to see him so miserable. He was supposed to be the strong one. The protector. But every time he'd come back to our room from the labs, he'd curl up in a tiny ball in the corner and weep. Yazzie and I would do all we could to comfort him, but hugs didn't always help.
We didn't know what else to do, and that would sometimes frustrate Yazzie. He didn't like seeing us sad, and he'd get really emotional. He didn't cry much, so usually he'd sulk in a corner, or get very agitated and say hurtful things to us when we tried to talk to him. We always knew he never meant it, but it did hurt us sometimes. Never as much as the scientists hurt us, though. That pain was much worse.
Pain, torture, and treatment
For three little brothers
And this we call home, too
This is our shelter.
It ain't easy growing up in world war three
Never knowing what love could be, you'll see
We don't want love to destroy us like it has done our family
We knew we weren't like other kids. Other kids played outside, and got dirty, and laughed, and danced, and went to school. We never did any of that. We would sit in our little room every day like good little boys and wait to be taken to the lab. There, we would be put through a series of different experiments. Some were painful, like the needles we got all the time; and others were strange, like reflex testing. I was really curious about what it was all for, but no matter how many times I asked, no one ever told me. Not even Hojo. Then again, no one really ever spoke to us. Not unless it was about Mother.
Mother. Now that was something normal. Me and my brothers had a mom. Every kid had a mom, right? After all, it was only natural. That's the one thing that made us feel normal. With a mother, we were a real family.
Can we work it out?
Can we be a family?
We promise we'll be better.
Momma, we'd do anything.
We never got to see our mother the way other kids did. She wasn't some beautiful woman walking around in an apron and high heels carrying a tray of freshly baked cookies. In fact, we weren't quite sure what she was or what she looked like. I'd have dreams some nights about her. I'd imagine she'd have silver hair like us, and smell really pretty. She'd bake cakes with us, and give us baths, and check for monsters under the bed when we had nightmares. I always dreamed that one day - one not so special day - she'd walk in through those doors and take us out of this place. Take us to a new home far away from here. To a place with no needles, no scientists, and no pain. A place with sun.
But that day never came. I'd spend hours sitting by the door waiting and waiting and waiting until my brothers were convinced I had gone insane, but Mother never came. When Lozzie began to worry, Yazzie convinced him for a while that maybe she was held up in traffic. I knew it was a lie, but at least it calmed Lozzie down, if only for a little while.
One day in the labs, I asked Hojo where she was, he said that he didn't know. He said that we had to find her. Find her?! We were just kids! We weren't even allowed out of the labs! How were we supposed to find her behind walls? Kids aren't supposed to look for their moms. They're supposed to always be there! Right from the beginning!
I got mad. I got really mad; to the point where I was screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the lab. I kicked and thrashed and yelled for my Mother, hoping that she would hear me. I knocked down tables and broke anything I could get my hands on. The scientists had to hold me down and inject me with yet another stupid needle. It calmed me down a bit, but as soon as I got back to my room with my brothers, I started screaming again. I wanted the entire world to hear me. I wanted my Mother to hear me. Why didn't she hear me?!
Kaddy please stop yelling
We can't stand the sound
Make Lozzie stop crying
Cause we need you around.
Momma she loves you
No matter what they say, it's true
I know that they hurt you
But remember, we love you too
That was the last straw. I knew from that moment that we had to escape. We had to get out of the labs for good. This wasn't a home. It wasn't a place for kids. This was a prison. I didn't know why they were keeping us here, and I didn't care. I wanted out.
My brothers didn't think it was a good idea at first, but I had ways of convincing them. I was the clever one, and I knew that somewhere out there, Mother was waiting for us. It would just take some thought, and the perfect moment. The scientists were smart, and they monitored us a lot. We weren't exactly the most well behaved children. They always carried around those little needles that put us to sleep in case we got too rowdy. Maybe…just maybe…that would be our way out.
Late one night, Yazzie, Lozzie, and myself got up from our beds and grabbed whatever object we could reach to clang and smack together to make the loudest ruckus we could. According to plan, one of the scientists that monitored us came in to see what all the commotion was about. It being my plan, I took it upon myself to do all the dirty work. When the scientist reached into his pocket and pulled out the syringe, I snatched it out of his hand and slammed the needle right into his calf, injecting him with the sleeping potion. He was unconscious on the floor in a matter of seconds.
I never had my heart race so fast before in my life! Up until that point, I never hurt the scientists. I was sometimes loud and rude and reckless, but I never hurt them. Not until now. I was shocked to see that…I liked it. I really enjoyed hurting them. They hurt me and my brothers, so why shouldn't I be able to do the same? It seemed like a pretty decent agreement.
Being as quiet as possible, my brothers and I tiptoed out of our room and darted down the hall. It was really dark in the labs. A startling difference from the bright lights that always shined in our eyes. There weren't even a lot of people around either. That was a bonus. Maybe it would be a lot easier than I thought.
But, as we darted around the corner, we were horrified when we ran smack into Hojo. He and a small group of scientists stood before us, so it was virtually impossible to break through the barrier of legs to the other side. Hojo was horrified and angered to see his three little experiments out of there room, and my heart sunk when he ordered us back. There would definitely be one heck of a punishment tomorrow. Damn…and we were so close too.
We ran away today
Ran from the pain, ran away!
Don't wanna go back to that place
But don't have no choice, no way.
It ain't easy growing up in world war three
Never knowing what love could be, you'll see
We don't want love to destroy us like it has done our family
That will not be the last time we try to escape. That was simply a trial run. I was a quick thinker. I observed a lot, and took mental notes and plotted and schemed as much as my mind would let me. Yazzie and Lozzie even joined in with the planning. They were far smarter than I had ever thought before. Tricky and deceitful. Perfect for what I had planned. The scientists were keeping a closer eye on us, but no matter. I wasn't scared of them anymore.
We were going to escape from this evil place. We were going to get out and we were going to find Mother. She was out there somewhere, waiting for us. I could feel it. I could sense it. I could practically hear her calling out to me.
One day, my brothers and I are going to get out and we're going to do whatever it takes to finally be normal. We were going to finally find our Mother. We were going to finally have a family.
In a family portrait
We'd look pretty happy
Let's play pretend
And act like it comes naturally…
