Disclaimer: we don't own PotC, eBay, Facebook, or any other corporations mentioned here. Seriously, please to not be suing.
Warning: contains slash; contains het; contains irreverent mocking; contains love-dodecagon; etc.
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Part I
From: customerservice(at)ebay. com
To: notapirate(at)weselltea. gov
Subject: Order Confirmation
This e-mail is to confirm that "William F. Turner" ordered:
2 Genuine Facsimile Longsword
Your total is: £ 23.98
These plastic factory-made swords are guaranteed to shine, swish, and slash as if a talented blacksmith forged them!
"eBay: because one man's trash is another man's bargain shopping."
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From: wallmaster(at)facebook. com
To: notapirate(at)weselltea. gov
Subject: Elizabeth Swann wrote on your Wall…
Elizabeth Swann wrote something on your Facebook Wall.
"omg Will u'll never guess the rumor I herd today!! every1 is saying tat a pirate landed at the port and now hes in Port Royale!!!1 i kno, lyk, reely here!1… its soooo exciting, don't u think so?? it makes me remember how we met… ;-)"
At Facebook, we are dedicated to bringing you news of your friends and other acquaintances around the clock,
The Facebook Team
"Have you poked your stalker today?"
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From: rumlover(at)blackpearl. org
To: powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov
Subject: Hello from the four seas!
My Dear Commodore,
It is my sincere and great pleasure to inform you that your old friend, the one and only Captain Jack Sparrow, has found the time in his busy schedule to fit a visit to Port Royale in between marauding and pillaging. 'Tis my dearest wish to bask in your presence once more. Alas, the cruel fates (and your inexplicable desire to throw me into prison) have conspired to keep us apart.
But seriously, ditch the hairpiece. That which we call a wig by any other name would look as fake. And it makes you look old, Fair Norrington.
Your Devoted Arch-Nemesis,
Captain Jack Sparrow
"Your donations keep us afloat!"
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From: comments(at)livejournal. com
To: notapirate(at)weselltea. gov
Subject: Jack S. has commented on your entry.
You wrote:
Life is just so cruel to poor, poor Will. I love her so, so much… she's my everything, and someone I'd die for… but, alas! All she ever talks about is her fairytale, mystery man. How can I make her understand that we are meant to be? Oh, oh! She's my precious Swan! -angst angst-
Jack S. commented:
Mate, I just happened upon your livejournal… lad, you've got some serious emo issues. Try a swig of rum and then see how you feel. :-)
"LiveJournal: all your angst is belong to us!"
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From: powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov
To: rumlover(at)blackpearl. org
Subject: RE: Hello from the four seas!
Sparrow,
I am overcome with joy at your kind sentiments. Why, I feel warm and fuzzy on the inside! Unfortunately, I find myself unable to meet you for our appointed wig-shopping expedition, as my duty to the crown calls. I'm sure I can catch up with you later… at the gallows.
Commodore Norrington
P.S.: How much did you have to pay in bribes to get yourself a "nonprofit" domain?
"Look stoic."
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From: powderedwig(at)weselltea. gov
To: minions(at)weselltea. gov
Subject: Very Seekrit Plans!!1!!1
Minions,
Through confidential sources, highly sensitive information regarding the whereabouts of one Jack Sparrow has been received. I want everyone currently stationed in Port Royale to be on high alert for a tall, dreadlocked pirate with a girly swagger and too much eyeliner. Show no mercy, but do try to keep him alive. I plan to spear him with my own bayonet…
Commodore Norrington
"Look stoic."
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From: matchmaker(at)lonelyhearts. com
To: captainzombie(at)blackpearl. org
Subject: Account Confirmation
Dear Mr. Barbossa,
This e-mail is to confirm your registration with us at LonelyHearts. com. At LH, we are dedicated to finding you The One.
Your profile:
Name: Hector Barbossa
Age: not a day older than 20
Appearance: scruffy
Interests: looting, pillaging, plundering, marauding, holding young women hostage on my pirate ship… nothing else really comes to mind. Oh! and apples. I'm very interested in apples.
Seeking: anyone with dreadlocks, a broken compass, and a devastatingly handsome smile.
"Lonely Hearts: where you can find your first mate!"
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Authors' Note: Thanks for reading! This is a short test chapter. Please tell us if we should continue!
